Yeah, so this is really really old . I'm not sure if I followed the story right because I haven't read it in a while . So tell me if I got it wrong... ____
-At the airport-
Renée: Oh, Bella! Why do you have to go and leave me here with my soon-to-be-ex-husband?
Bella: Because.
Renée: Because…?
Bella: Because.
Renée: That doesn't tell me why—
Bella: Oooh, my plane's leaving! Bye mom, hope you have a horrible time at the honeymoon!
~Long plane ride~
-At another airport-
Charlie: Hey Bells!
Bella: Who are you?
Charlie: I'm your dad, Charlie!
Bella: Oh. Okay then. Hi, Char—I mean, daddy!!!
Charlie: O-kay, awkward? You haven't changed much.
Bella: Can't say the same for you.
Charlie: Why?
Bella: You've gotten uglier.
Charlie: True.
-In Charlie's police cruiser-
~Awkward silence~
-At Charlie's house-
Bella: Wow. Nothing's changed here.
Charlie: Yeah.
Bella: Damn, it's too green here. Even the dirt is green.
Charlie: Yep.
Bella: Do you always talk small?
Charlie: Mhm.
Bella: Um, okay.
Charlie: I bought you a new car!
Bella: Really? How new?
Charlie: Well, not really new. It only goes up to like 55 mph and has a loud engine. It also has the possibility of blowing up on you at any second.
Bella: Wow my dream car!!
-In Bella's room-
Charlie: Here's your room!
Bella: Wow. I feel so young.
Charlie: Okay now I'm going to go downstairs to watch the game, like I have been for the past two years ever since you stopped coming here!!
Bella: Ehh save it for your free time, dad. Go cry somewhere else. Like what I'm about to do now.
Charlie: Okay have fun! *runs downstairs*
Bella: I hate myself already. *cries self to sleep*
-In the morning-
Bella: I'm scared to go to school. What if there're stalkers there??
Charlie: I'm sure you'll be just fine. There're a lot of them up there. They might, say, gang up on you and—
Bella: Ok, ok, I get it!!!
-At school-
Bella: Wow. I hate it already.
-In hallway-
Eric: Hi I'm Eric. Can I escort you to your next class?
Bella: AHH! STALKER!!! *runs away*
-In Trig-
Jessica: Hey I'm Jessica.
Bella: Are you a stalker?
Jessica: Um…no…?
Bella: Okay let's be friends! *hugs*
-At lunch-
Bella: *stares at Cullens* Who the hell are they?
Angela: The Cullens.
Jessica: They're fans of Alaska and are hot.
Angela: Always stating the obvious…
Bella: Anyway, who are they?
Jessica: I just told you, freakazoid!!
Angela: Shut up. Their names are Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, and Edward.
Bella: Edward is hot.
Angela: I bet he smokes.
Jessica: He's staring at you.
Bella: Is he a stalker, too?
-In biology-
Bella: Hi, I'm Bella.
Edward: Screw you.
Bella: What the hell?
Edward: Piss off.
Bella: Okay, sheesh. Don't get your boxers tied in a knot. *whispers* If you have any on…
Edward: I heard that.
Bella: How could you hear that??
Edward: *stares with black eyes*
Bella: *shuts up*
~Edward is gone for like a week~
Bella: I miss Edward.
Mike: I'm sure he doesn't miss you.
Bella: Go make some other girl puke, Newton.
Mike: Ouch.
-In biology-
~Edward is back, yayyyyyy~
Edward: Sorry I was so bitchy last week. I'm Edward. You're Bella?
Bella: *gasps* Wow you're talking to me. Yeah I'm Bella.
Edward: Okay Isabella.
Bella: Just Bella.
Edward: I know, Staci.
Bella: What the hell??
Edward: You're so fascinating.
-In port Angeles-
~Stalkers come~
Stalker 1: Come on, hang out with us! We have fresh milk and cookies!
Bella: AHH!! RAPISTS!! AHH!! HELP!!
Edward: I hear their thoughts!!! Get in the damn car, for cryin' out loud!!! *scares them away*
Bella: Fine. *gets in car* Wait, how did you find me?
Edward: I can smell you from a mile away.
Bella: Is it good or bad?
Edward: I'm not talking to you. *cough*bad*cough*
Bella: Wow, Angela is right. You do smoke.
-At the restaurant-
Edward: I'm taking you to dinner. Anything you want?
Bella: You.
Edward: What??
Bella: Umm mushroom ravioli. Yumm.
-In the car driving to Bella's house-
Bella: Slow down!!!
Edward: Screw you. If we crash, which we won't, I'll walk away while you slowly die a painful death.
Bella: Sounds good to me.
~Awkward silence~
Edward: So did you figure out that I'm a vampire yet?
Bella: Nope. But with two more minutes of thinking I'll figure it out.
~two minutes pass~
Bella: HOLY BUTTFUDGE YOU'RE A VAMPIRE!!!
Edward: Are you afraid?
Bella: Nope.
Edward: You're weird.
Bella: You're a vampire, and you're calling me weird.
Edward: I hate you.
Bella: Go to hell.
Edward: Already there, Bella.
-In forest-
Bella: Poser.
Edward: Why are you calling me that?
Bella: Look. We have similar clothes on.
Edward: So?
Bella: Never mind. Let's go.
-In forest-
Bella: It's even worse than I thought.
Edward: Yeah. Nothing but trees and grass and microscopic bugs that only I can see.
Bella: Wow, you make me feel special.
-In meadow-
Edward: *strips shirt off and goes in sunlight* Look at me sparkle! *strikes a pose*
Bella: Show off.
Edward: Aren't you supposed to be dazzled by my abs?
Bella: Oh yeah, right. *faints*
~one hour later~
Edward: Bella, can you hear me?
Bella: No. Go away.
Edward: *laughs* Here, maybe a run around the forest will wake you up.
-Edward grabs Bella, puts her on his back, and runs like crazy-
Edward: So did you—holy crow, your hair looks windblown.
Bella: No shit, Edward. Put me down before I punch you.
Edward: *puts her down* Brave, yet stupid. You'd crush your hand.
Bella: Whatever.
Edward: So, what do you want to do?
Bella: Hmm…oohh I know! See how far you can throw me across the forest with your super vampire strength!
Edward: Okay! *throws Bella* Woo, look at her go! *fake yawns* Okay this is boring. *runs away*
Bella: Holy shit, Edward! That was AWESOME! LET'S DO IT AGAIN! ….Edward…? Where the hell did he go??
Edward: Grr. Fine I'll go back… *runs to Bella* So, how far?
Bella: Well…I'd say about…40 miles.
Edward: I counted 40.3 miles.
Bella: Damn you and your vampire accuracy.
Edward: Already damned, Bella.
~A few hours later~
Edward: I wanna try something. *kisses Bella*
Bella: *faints*
Edward: Does this girl eat at all?
Bella: *wakes up* Edward, I have a question. Why don't you just kill me and drink my blood?
Edward: You're too special for that.
Bella: I thought you hated me.
Edward: That's what YOU think.
Bella: I bet I taste good.
Edward: I highly doubt that.
Bella: Why?
Edward: The thought of it makes my stomach turn.
Bella: I thought your stomach didn't work.
Edward: *sighs and looks down* Exactly my point…
-At Cullen house-
Alice: Hey, I'm Alice!
Jasper: *keeps his distance*
Bella: AHH! STALKER!!!!
Edward: No, Bella, this is my 'sister' Alice.
Alice: Hi, Bella! *hugs Bella*
Bella: AHH! RAPIST!!
Alice: What the silly shit is wrong with her?
Edward: She's had bad experiences.
Bella: Have not!
Emmett: *comes from behind Bella* Yo, Bella!!
Bella: HOLY POPTART!!! *clings to ceiling*
Alice: I see… *grabs Bella and gasps* Wow. I need to take you shopping. You need new clothes.
Edward: Just take them off.
Alice and Bella: HUH?!?
Edward: Nothing.
Emmett: *rides skateboard into room with a ballerina tutu on* WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Edward: *points to Emmett* That never leaves this room.
Bella and Alice: *stares at Emmett as he does a kick flip out the window*
-In Edward's room-
Bella: Wow. This is a dump.
Edward: Quit talking shit on my room.
Bella: There's not even a bed. How do you get it on without a bed??
Edward: I have my ways. And I can't sleep.
Bella: Damn it.
-At the clearing-
Bella: Where the hell did you take me?
Edward: We're going to play baseball.
Bella: Cool! Wait, vampires play baseball?
Edward: Yes. But I'm the hottest, so I play the best.
Bella: You're very self-conscious, aren't you?
Edward: Yes I am. And you're not.
Bella: That's what YOU think.
Edward: Quit stealing my lines.
Emmett: *does the skateboard thing again, only with a baseball bat in his hand* OH YEAHHHHHHH!
Edward: He has problems.
Bella: That scares me a bit.
Edward: Shit. There are other vampires here and the ugly one is after you.
Bella: I thought all vampires were beautiful.
Edward: Nope. Just me.
Bella: True.
Alice: Sorry to just barge in on your small talk, but I want some cheese. GIVE ME SOME DAMN CHEESE BEFORE I EXPLODE, BITCHES!!!!
Bella: You drink blood. You don't eat cheese.
Edward: Go get your own damn cheese. *kicks Alice with super vampire strength* So, where were we? Oh yeah, James is out to kill you. And probably will kill you.
Bella: You're so reassuring.
-In Ballet studio-
James: This was too easy.
Bella: Just kill me already, god.
James: You mom's not here.
Bella: WHAT?!? I come all the way out here for nothing.
James: Yes, that was the plan. *gets out video recorder and tapes everything*
Bella: What's that for?
James: So I can show Edward how I killed you.
Bella: You have issues.
James: Oh really? *pushes Bella into glass wall*
Bella: Okay I see your point.
James: I'm so posting this on YouTube.
Bella: What's next? You're going to juggle my dismembered body parts?
James: It would make it more entertaining. But, no, I was going to do this. *breaks Bella's leg* But, actually, I had that in mind…
Bella: Go to h—oh, never mind…
James: Shouldn't you be fainting now?
Bella: Oh yeah. *faints*
James: *bites Bella*
Edward: YOU BITCH! *kills James* Bella!
Bella: GAHH MY HAND IS BURNING LIKE TOAST THAT CHARLIE MAKES!!!
Edward: I know that, dumbass. I've been through it before. Wait, since when does your dad cook for you?
Bella: Very seldom.
Edward: Hmm.
Bella: Dude, this hurts!! This is like burning yourself with a hair straightener!!
Edward: Again, I know what it feels like. God, you're so difficult…
Alice: You have to suck the venom out or its game over.
Edward: Damn you and your idiotic terms. And where the hell did you come from?
Alice: Your mom.
Edward: Your mom's mom!
Bella: Um, guys?
Alice: Don't be talkin' shit on my grama!! Your mom's mom's sister's aunt's cousin's brother's sister-in-law's dad's mom's grandfather's son's fish's dog's iguana's half-brother!!
Edward: I hate you all! *groans*
Alice: Temper, Edward, tem-per!
Edward: Shut up, you damn pixie.
Bella: Uh, guys…
Alice: Why don't you just make me?
Edward: I could have a long time ago. But I'm too nice for that.
Alice: Aww, I knew you loved me! *hugs Edward*
Bella: Guys?!
Edward: Gahh! Get the hell off of me!
Alice: God, fine…kill joy…
Bella: Um, guys…girl in pain here?!?
Alice: Just do it, Edward, or my vision will come true.
Edward: Screw you. *kicks Alice again* Bella, I really hope you don't die.
Bella: You're so reassuring, even in my darkest hour.
Edward: You're always in your darkest hour.
Bella: AHH IT BURNS!
Edward: Quit your whining. *sucks venom out* Shit I can't stop.
Bella: *lays there dying* Edward, I will haunt you forever if you kill me. *faints again*
-In hospital-
Bella: *wakes up* Mom, go away.
Renée: *walks away*
Bella: Edward, am I a vampire?
Edward: Nope.
Bella: Damn.
Edward: You want to be a monster?
Bella: Yes. I wanna scare little kids away at Halloween.
Edward: *sighs* I didn't think I would stop. And I didn't want to. You taste good, Bella.
Bella: Told you…
Edward: Alice kept bugging me saying she wanted to still play dress up with you, do your hair and makeup, take you shopping, and do your birthday party this year so I can push you—
Bella: Nobody's supposed to know that until the next book!
Edward: Damn, fine. But anyway, it got annoying, so I stopped. And because you said you'd haunt me forever. *shudders* That would be horrible because of obvious reasons…
Bella: I hate you, Edward!
Edward: I hate you too!
Alice: I love you guys! *gives bone crushing hug to both of them*
Edward: I still don't know how you do that.
~There is a loud snap~
Bella: Well, there goes my leg again…
-At Prom-
Jacob: Bella, my dad paid me twenty bucks to come tell you to break up with Edward. To you comply?
Bella: No, not really.
Jacob: Damn. *walks away* At least I get my money.
Edward: This is gay. But I didn't want you missing out on this. I'd say it was a sacrifice.
Bella: You've been to like sixty of these.
Edward: Yes, I have, and this is the most boring.
Bella: Again, you're so reassuring.
Edward: Want to dance so we can make this life a bit easier?
~they dance~
Bella: Edward, I want to live with you forever.
Edward: The thought of that also makes my inactive stomach turn.
Bella: Bite me, Edward.
Edward: Not if your life depended on it. Shit, I just gave a foreshadowing.
Bella: Oh well. I'll just wait until then.
Edward: Not if your clumsiness kills you first.
Bella: So reassuring…
Edward: Will you stop saying that?!
Bella: No, probably not.
Edward: Goddammit.
...Hmm. Well it's not that great, but tell me what you think anyway. I'm probably going to make more of these.
I'm not that funny :/