Disclaimer
Everything about Harry Potter is owned by JK Rowling.
Some dialogue is taken directly from Page 528 and 544 in Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows ©JK Rowling
The lyrics are from ©World So Cold by Three Days Grace, Album: Life Starts Now
Author's Note
Um, hey? Well, this is my first story, probably will be my only one. Everytime I listened to this song (which is a good song, download it), I would think about Snape the whole time. He is my favourite character and had been since The Philosopher's Stone. Anyways, I hope you enjoy
"The Potters," the Dark Lord announces. "The mudblood, Lily Potter and her husband, the blood-traitor." Severus Snape physically recoiled in his seat, surrounded by his fellow brothers—no, not brothers, nor friends. They are alliances, back-up, and the people he gave his life for. His fellows cheer, rejoicing in their master's announcement where the possible threat will be planned to death. The Death Eaters were not told the information that Severus heard, only that a child would need to die, or their 'fear-less' leader may be defeated. No one dared to believe The Dark Lord could die, however the threat could be real, so it is a chance that none would dare to take.
The slippery tones of The Dark Lord penetrated Severus' mind, though he willed not to believe this confirmation. The confirmation of his absolute worst fear sunk deep into his pores, where his now clenched fists started to shake. He was glad for the mask he was wearing as his face was contorted into pain, his eyes closed and mouth in a thin line. He willed himself to take deep breaths and rejoice with his fellows so he did not seem like he regretted the announcement.
I never thought I'd feel this
Guilty and I'm broken down inside
Livin' with myself
Nothing but lies
The knowledge of what he had to do did not make the feelings any better, in fact it was much of the opposite. How could he face the man he once called sir and currently called Headmaster, beg for the protection of Lily, while being looked at in absolute disgust. Perhaps disgust is to light of a word—what about revulsion, like an abomination, complete revolt.
It could have been apprehension or regret that first filled Severus as the seconds counted down to when Albus Dumbledore was to appear in the field, but the tangle of feelings soon turned to fear and apprehension. The overwhelming threat of death hung over his head, though he knew Dumbledore wouldn't kill out of spite, especially considering there is no official proof Severus is truthfully a Death Eater.
"And what will you give me in return, Severus?"
"In – in return?" Thoughts tore through Severus rapidly, each one less likely than the last. He knew this was it, the last chance, possibly the only way anything will work. The decision, though the only one that would be the right one, was possibly the hardest thing to say: one word, three syllables, and a life-time of difficulty. 'Anything,' Severus finally said, knowing that the choice he made could make his like chaos.
I always thought I'd make it
But never knew I'd let it get so bad
Livin' with myself
Is all I have
The lies that he must tell, the cover-stories he must make, the ultimate fury that will take over flew in an out of his head. However, as he neared the drawing room where the meeting was taking place, he turned his mind off, made his face blank-though the mask covers his face, The Dark Lord can tell your facial expressions through your voice- and entered the near-full room.
"Well," The Dark Lord's silky voice drawled in my direction, his red eyes un-naturally human sought through the slits in my mask. "Our spy at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has mentioned that the filth-loving fool has been silently recruiting more and more students who are in their final year for the futile resistance..."
Through The Dark Lord's speech, Severus knows to continue looking into his eyes. Without doing so could end up in an unwanted search with precise legilimency. Every follower knows of The Dark Lord's title of the best legilimens, but what no one truly knows is the constant occlumency practice that Severus underwent.
Looking into the cold eyes, Severus was able to keep his thoughts aside. He pushed his deal with Dumbledore to the back of his mind, out of the way of the probing, along with the burning love he felt for Lily. All that The Dark Lord would see is the loyalty and the truth of the information. Severus felt the vague probing sensation lift, but knew better to let his guard down. One must always be alert, especially in the hands of the World's most dangerous, blood-thirsty wizard.
"I have business tonight," The Dark Lord announced. "Soon we'll be rid of threats." With that, he left the room. The disapparating 'pop' was heard clearly despite its normal nature of being faint, because the room was silent. Not one Death Eater moved as no one was sure of what to do. Should they cheer? Should they be nervous? The Dark Lord never included them into the plans unless they were needed; that's the way of a Slytherin. Trust no one, and if you must, trust them with the bare minimum. Severus sat there, still, unmoving like his fellows. No, it's impossible. Of course he wasn't talking about the Potters. They're hidden. Dumbledore hid them, Lily is safe. One by one, the Death Eaters got up from the table and started to talk. Not one noticed the last Death Eater sitting at the table, head bowed in thought– in worry.
I feel numb
I can't come to life
I feel like I'm frozen in time
Severus sat in the Headmaster's office, slouched over, disbelieving. Tears freely slid down his face while his whole body shook with uncontrollable anguish. Dead, gone, never coming back. Wasn't the point of deciding to put my life through hell to keep her alive, Severus thought. While he was trying to keep his giant weave of thoughts still, Dumbledore was talking– taunting.
Then, "You know how and why she died. Make sure it was not in vain. Help me protect Lily's son."
Positive the disbelief was seen on his face, Severus argued that He was gone, where Dumbledore countered that He would come back. Though the possibility of The Dark Lord coming back was a terrifying thought after the deals Severus made and was currently making, he agreed.
Livin' in a world so cold
Wasting away
Livin' in a shell with no soul
Since you've gone away
Livin' in a world so cold
Counting the days
Since you've gone away
You've gone away
Through the years, Severus knew his life was going to be difficult. He knew seeing the boy would be excruciatingly difficult so he postponed looking at him. Through his sorting, which took a longer time than expected, Severus kept his eyes averted. Staring slightly to the side gave the illusion of his attention being captured, though his concentration was only focused on avoiding eye contact with the boy at all. During the feast, Severus figured if he didn't look at the boy where people would be paying attention to himself, he could get easily get over the shock. However, as Potter felt his gaze, he looked up and Severus could see the familiar emerald eyes looking back at him. Though their eye-contact was short, Severus couldn't help feeling overthrown by repulsion. How could those eyes be in a body that looked so strikingly familiar to James Potter, the man who made my life living hell?
Severus found protection was difficult to provide the boy with seeing as he couldn't keep himself under control. His first year, his broom gets cursed. Second year starts with a flying car and ends with fighting a basilisk. Third year finds him with a convicted mass-murdering criminal and a werewolf, both men who, side-along Potter, were hell. His fourth year he was entered in the Tri-Wizarding Tournament, which should be difficult for a seventh year. Ending his fourth year brought the return of The Dark Lord, which struck everybody. His fifth year was proven difficult due to Umbridge, and his sixth year was possibly the hardest, as the act had to be kept up in front of Draco.
I'm too young to lose my soul
I'm too young to feel this old
For so long I'm left behind
I feel like I'm losing my mind
Murder. Severus slowly lowers himself into his desk at his home, mind reeling from his conversation with Dumbledore. He pulls out his book, willing to read, willing to vanquish the thoughts that continuously invade his mind. He absentmindedly turned the pages, the words on the thick parchment doesn't sink into his mind, rereading sentence after sentence. He pushes the words into his brain, finally knowing what they say, but realizing that he still cannot concentrate.
Murder. He replaces his bookmark where it first was and moves to the couch. He only then remembers the vile creature that is residing in his home against his will, though he knows he wouldn't have said no to The Dark Lord. Murder. No, he thinks. Cover-story, before anything else. Pettigrew edged into the room, noticed Severus sitting there, and left hurriedly. No explanation needed then, and Severus takes a breath.
Murder. The thought is back, it won't stay away. How many times have I murdered? Severus pondered that question freely, questioning his sanity. Not many people sit on their couch remembering the people they've killed, whether it was out of spite, self-defence, or a worthless meaning as blood. Murder. Quite a few, Severus relents. More than one should. How many pieces have my soul split into? Murder. Why is this thought taking up so much of my mind? Murder. Not only am I not doing it for a reason as shallow as blood-purity, I'll be helping to prevent another replica of myself. Murder. Dumbledore said it wouldn't rip my soul seeing as I'm doing him a favour. Murder. It's all the same, isn't it?
Someone knocked on the door, and as Severus answered it, he got a rather surprising visit. As Narcissa and Bellatrix entered into his house, and Narcissa made her plea of protection for her son, Severus knew he received his answer. He made the unbreakable vow with Narcissa which made his promise with the Light sealed as well as his promise to the Dark. As they left, Narcissa slightly relieved and Bellatrix slightly more trusting, Severus knew the answer.
Murder. It's not the same in every sense as the choice and reason changes, but this choice, this reason, is inevitably for the Light.
Livin' in a world so cold
Wasting away
Livin' in a shell with no soul
Since you've gone away
Livin' in a world so cold
Counting the days
Since you've gone away
You've gone away from me
Dead. Thrown. Soared through the air. Severus did his deed, though his allegiance did not die. Everyone may think he was a double-crossing man. Double-agent for the Dark side, for The Dark Lord. That is what the Death Eaters toasted to in hushed tones in a pub down Knockturn Ally. The death of Albus Dumbledore, The Order's inevitable downfall, the Double-Agent success, and The Dark Lord were the murmurs that the Death Eaters voiced in their toasts for a full week afterwards. No one knew of the real allegiance except for Severus and the man he just killed. Murder. Not a double-agent for The Dark Lord, but a triple-agent for The Order of the Phoenix.
I'm too young
I'm too young
The blood seeped out of the two punctures in his neck from where Nagini bit. Thirty-eight years old, and his blood rushed out of his neck, his eyes clouding over because of the poison. Thirty-eight years old and he can no longer live his life or the life he ought to have lived. Severus' fingers were attempting to staunch the bleeding, but having little success. He looked up through his blurry eyes and saw Potter. He knew what he must do, so he expelled all of what he could remember through memories. Severus looked at him, knew Harry was seventeen and knew that though he had lived to thirty-eight and had some kind of life, though admittedly hard, Harry had one year with his parents, ten years with relatives who hated him, and seven years of facing death and overcoming it.
"Look...at....me..." he whispered. Thirty-eight years old and he was dying, where Lily Potter was only twenty-one.
Author's Note
So? Did you like it? Review please. This is my first story like I said so it'd be nice to get some constructive criticism so I can know what to improve and the like if I ever actually do another story :] Thanks.