hey. i'm back but not with what any of you wanted. so here, have a beekeeping AU that no one asked for. this is 100% for lauren, who laid in bed and laughed with me about this concept at 3 am
"Are you ready to lose to me again?" Ivan's honeyed asked. Alfred groaned.
"I'm not gonna lose this year. I didn't lose last year, either. The judges just received some 'extra incentive' to pick you, Ivan," Alfred huffed. Ivan chuckled.
"I guess we'll have to see, then," he said before walking back to his own stall.
Alfred huffed again and resigned himself to a slow day of selling honey at the market right next to Ivan, who was also selling honey. Alfred could have easily sold fifty jars had it not been for Ivan flaunting that he had won the previous year's Honey Makers' Competition at the state fair.
What was even worse was the Ivan was Alfred's husband. Alfred would have to put up with hearing about how Ivan had won the competition and how he had sold more honey and that he was a better beekeeper for at least another weak- until this year's Honey Makers' Competition.
"You look miserable," Alfred's brother, Matthew, stated upon arriving at the stall.
"Ivan's been holding this competition over my head for a year and I'm sick of it," Alfred grumbled. Matthew laughed in response.
"The two of you are such children. I can't believe that you would let him hold this over you for so long, and I can't believe that you're actually upset by it," Matthew said.
"It's just that I was supposed to be the beekeeper and Ivan was supposed to be the gardener. That's we always talked about before we got married. And now he's a better beekeeper than me, and you're the gardener, so where does that leave me?" Alfred asked miserably.
"Alfred. Quit pouting. So what, Ivan won the Honey Makers' Competition? You're still a great beekeeper. Your honey is way better than mine ever was. The two of you just have different methods when it comes to harvesting honey and last year, the judges like Ivan's method better," Matthew consoled his brother.
"Thanks, Mattie. I sold two pounds of your strawberries, by the way," Alfred said, gesturing to the table in front of him, which was overloaded with mason jars full of honey and various fruits that Matthew had grown.
"I sold forty-eight jars today, Alfred. How many did you sell?" Ivan asked, depositing his wad of cash in the tin pail that was reserved for a new beehive and supers for each of them.
"Only twenty-three. How could I sell any more when you were stealing all of my customers by blabbering on about you win at the state fair?" Alfred complained, also depositing his wad of cash.
"I can't help that I keep better bees that harvest sweeter honey, my love," Ivan said, kissing the top of Alfred's head.
"We literally keep the same bees, Ivan. The only difference is that you use a different smoke and remove the wax in a different way. Your bees aren't that great," Alfred pouted. Ivan chuckled and kissed his head again.
"I'll make a bet with you, my love," Ivan said suddenly. Alfred looked up from where he was smoking his bees. Ivan had his back turned him, cranking the extractor.
"What is it?" Alfred inquired suspiciously.
"When I win the Honey Makers' Competition this year, you have to watch The Bee Movie with me," Ivan proposed. Alfred groaned loudly.
"You know I hate that movie. I have no earthly idea why you like it so much," Alfred said. "But what do I get if I win?" he asked. Ivan hummed.
"That's a strong 'if.' But, you get to use the honey. In the bedroom," he said after moment. Alfred blushed darkly.
"Deal. I hope you're prepared for defeat," Alfred said smugly. Ivan smirked and took his husband's hand in a firm handshake.
The day had finally come. Alfred stood at his table waiting for the judges to make their way to him. Matthew stood beside him and watched the proceedings with amusement.
"The two of you are utterly ridiculous. But I do sincerely hope that you win because I'm kind of interested in hearing about your, erm, prize," Matthew said. Alfred smirked.
"I will win. I used the same method as Ivan for this batch. So if they like his honey, they'll have to like mine," Alfred explained. Matthew rolled his eyes.
"Ridiculous."
The judges finally made their way to Alfred's table. Ivan quickly caught his husband's eye and winked. Alfred smiled and prepared himself to present his honey.
Alfred greeted the judges and immediately launched into his spiel about his harvesting methods and offered his guests little paper cups full of honey. Each judge sampled a small amount and deliberated.
"It's got a very distinct taste," one judge said, offering Alfred an encouraging smile.
"I rather like it. It's sweet but not too sweet," another judged said.
"It taste eerily similar to one of the previous contestant's product," the final judge said, nodding towards Ivan. Alfred smiled.
"That contestant is Ivan. He's actually my husband, so it's understandable that are products taste similar," Alfred explained. Two of the judges smiled sweetly and one 'harrumphed.'
"Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to announce the winner of this year's Honey Makers' Competition!" One of the judges exclaimed into a much-too-loud microphone. Alfred snatched up Ivan and Matthew's hands and squeezed them tightly.
"And the award for the best honey goes to…Contestant number seven!" the judge announced. Alfred felt his shoulders slump. He was contestant number thirteen. Matthew giggled.
"Neither of you won," he wheezed between laughs. Alfred looked up at Ivan and smiled. Ivan hadn't won! He couldn't hold this over Alfred's head anymore. Alfred pulled his husband down into an excited kiss.
"Neither of us won!" Alfred exclaimed, and Ivan laughed in agreement.
"What are you gonna do about the bet?" Matthew asked after a minute or so.
"I guess we'll both get our rewards," Ivan answered, kissing Alfred again.
"You know, the honey was sweet, but I thought you were sweeter," Ivan said, handing Alfred a mug of tea before settling in to watch The Bee Movie with his husband. Alfred sighed at Ivan's comment.
"You're so cheesy," Alfred said, snuggling into Ivan's side.
"But you love me. Are you ready?" Ivan asked, nodding towards the menu screen on the TV.
"Honey, I'm good," Alfred said. Ivan snorted.
"And you say I'm cheesy."
i'm insufferably cheesy and in love with bee/honey puns
also, alfred and ivan would watch the bee movie together any if you disagree you can fight me
*a super is the box that the bees are kept in within the hive
**the extractor is a spinny cylinder thing that essentially liquefies the honey