Weightless
by Scarlet Eve
Small World by Idina Menzel
I'm standing in the field
My feet lift off the ground
No one here will see me
No one will hurt me now
A.C. 210
February
Relena Darlian could no longer work using the light streaming in from the windows of her office. The sun had set completely now, shrouding the room in darkness. Only the glow of her computer screen gave her light. She pushed back her keyboard and leaned forward to rest her elbows on the desk. Her head dropped into her hands, and she gently massaged her temples. With her eyes closed, all that appeared in her mind was a ball of yarn unraveling faster and faster.
That's what her life had felt like these past months. When the first major crisis of her career occurred, the image of the yarn had appeared to her. The end of the yarn, frayed and untwisted, began to fall away from the tightly wound ball. Since then, the ball got smaller as each new problem rose up, and Relena continued to feel less and less held together. Her mind was unraveling as fast as the yarn.
Relena released a long sigh and rose up from her desk. She saved her work and shut down the computer, then gathered her personal items and shoved them into her bag. She slung the strap over her shoulder and left the office behind.
Brussels' night life was in the midst of waking up - Friday nights were always loud, busy, and chaotic, no matter the time of year. Even in mid-February, groups of people emerged from their homes and offices, ready to eat, drink, and dance until the sun reappeared in the sky. Relena walked down the sidewalk, holding the strap of her bag against her shoulder. The weight pulled her down, and she knew that in the morning, her muscles would be sore, as they so often were those days.
The townhome that she bought a few years prior was a short walk from the ESUN headquarters building. To save money, she'd released her regular driver and took to walking to work and back, no matter the weather. No one protested the decision, not anymore.
Relena made a left turn down a block and her townhome came into view. It was a larger townhouse compared to most in the city. After selling off her family's assets to historical societies, museums and government preservation groups, she'd had enough to buy the townhouse outright. It was likely that she'd spend the rest of her days in that townhouse, unless something else happened to knock her life off course.
Lights burned inside the home as she approached. At the door, she could hear the television. She smiled to herself; her niece and nephew, Milou and Naina, were likely watching one of their favorite movies. Relena unlocked the front door and stepped inside.
She was greeted by the smells of pasta, sauce, and garlic. Buried under those scents was the smell of toasted bread. Relena kicked her shoes off and dropped her work bag and purse on the table in the hallway. As she passed by the living room, she slowed and glanced through the doorway. As she thought, the twins were sitting side by side on the couch, watching the movie that had been on repeat in the house since it had been released from theaters. Relena stepped behind the couch and leaned down to plant kisses - one on the blonde head of Naina and one on the dark-haired Milou.
"Welcome home, Tante Lena," they chorused, their eyes never leaving the screen.
"Thank you, darlings," she said, patting them before leaving them to their movie. Relena padded to the kitchen, following the smells of food. She found Noin standing at the stove, stirring a pot of what smelled like cheese sauce. Noin wore a white apron over the remnants of her Preventer uniform of a dress shirt and slacks. Relena stepped to her side and inhaled deeply.
"You're home late," Noin commented, swatting Relena away from the stove. Relena hopped up on a barstool at the island counter and rested her chin in her hand.
"There's a lot of work to do, always," Relena said. Noin turned the burner off and set aside her wooden spoon.
"You need a break," Noin said, leaning forward over the counter on the other side of Relena. "You are exhausted." Relena shrugged her shoulders.
"If I wasn't doing this, what else would I be doing?" she asked.
"You have time to figure that out," Noin replied. Relena gave her sister-in-law a thankful smile, but her gaze drifted away towards the salad bowl on the far counter. A pang of longing hit her chest, and in that moment, it was difficult to hold back a sudden urge of tears. Noin must have noticed, because she reached across the counter and patted Relena's hand. "Are you going to see him tonight?"
"I don't know," Relena said, not meeting Noin's eyes. "I should. I haven't been there all week." Noin smiled sadly. "It's just hard."
"I know."
Relena heard footsteps on the stairs, and a moment later, her brother's form blocked the doorway to the kitchen. He had changed from his Preventer uniform and was dressed in a pair of jeans and a loose t-shirt. His long hair hung loose down his back.
"Relena," he said, nodding to her by way of greeting.
"Mil," she replied. Milliardo hopped onto the barstool beside her and patted her shoulder roughly.
"How was work?" he asked.
"Same as every other day," Relena murmured. Milliardo patted her shoulder once more. An awkward silence fell for a moment before Noin turned back to the stove and pulled open the oven door. Steam lifted from the oven, filling the air with the scents of garlic, butter, and cheese. Noin pulled a pan with garlic toast out of the oven and set it on the granite countertop. She spun and smiled.
"Dinner's ready!"
I'm brushing off the rain
While climbing through the clouds
Nobody can see me
No one can hurt me now
Relena glanced around the table at her family - her brother, sister-in-law, and her darling niece and nephew. Each dug into their plates of pasta, garlic toast, and salad, chatting between mouthfuls. Relena picked at her plate, her mind drifting off to the circumstances that led her to that moment.
When she purchased the townhouse, she hadn't planned on Milliardo and Noin moving in. That happened a few years later.
The Mars Terraformation project had been moving along fairly well, though there were many setbacks, as could be expected with any project of that size. Relena somehow managed that project, along with her regular duties, acting as vice president of the Preventer Executive Board, and maintaining some semblance of a social life. It was difficult, but she persevered out of desire for peace.
In October of A.C. 207, the rug was pulled from underneath her feet. At a committee meeting for the Terraformation project, Relena was informed that the project would no longer be hers to manage. It was going to transition to another member of the committee, a man who had been itching for more control for years. His connections to space habitation construction companies were too good to pass up, apparently, and all Relena's hard work was taken away.
She'd left the meeting devastated and vowed never to return to the project.
When Milliardo and Noin heard the news, they immediately ordered a shuttle to bring them back to Earth, along with their three-year-old twins. They arrived back on Earth six months later and moved into an apartment near Relena. In spite of losing her project, Relena was elated to have Milliardo, Noin, and the twins living so close to her. She could see them as often as she wanted.
"Tante Lena, are you going to eat your toast?"
Relena blinked, pushing away the unpleasant memories. She glanced at Milou, who was staring at her with bright blue eyes. Relena smiled and handed over her garlic toast. Both Noin and Milliardo were watching her with curious expressions. She smiled, still trying to push away the unpleasant memories lingering in her mind. They returned to their meals, but Relena knew they were becoming more and more suspicious of her moods. As hard as she tried to hide her unraveling, it was finally reaching the surface.
Goodbye, gravity
Goodbye, enemies
I'm going up to a place where the world is small
Where I can fly above it all
If I don't make it, sing my song
From here I'm weightless
No stars are famous
And the world is small
And the world is small
The dinner dishes were cleared away, and the twins were sent off to play with any number of educational toys Noin and Relena had purchased for them. Milliardo took on the task of cleaning up the dishes and the kitchen while Noin and Relena took their wine to the living room.
Relena sat back in her favorite chair and held the glass by the stem. Noin spread herself out on the couch and picked up her tablet. In the far corner of the living room, the twins played quietly with each other.
"I can't believe they don't fight," Relena commented. Noin smiled over the tablet.
"I'm sure they will eventually. At least at daycare, they get some time away from each other," she said. Relena chuckled, and Noin returned to her tablet, likely reading over Preventer reports from her team. Relena continued to sip at her wine, the fruity taste lingering on her tongue. She stared off into space and tried to relax.
She was restless. Her glass was empty quickly and she rose.
"Done already?" Noin asked.
"I'm going to walk to the Preventer building," Relena said, stepping around the couch to the doorway.
"Are you okay to go alone?"
"I'll be fine." Relena returned her glass to the kitchen and left it for Milliardo to wash. She retrieved her coat from the closet and pulled it up over her shoulders. Slipping quietly from the townhouse, she walked down the steps and onto the sidewalk.
The Preventer building was near the ESUN building, and only took a few more minutes to get there. In the pocket of her coat, she fingered the badge that would allow her access inside the building.
Chilled air brushed against her face as she walked, reminding her that it was still February. The last three months had passed by before Relena even noticed. She longed for the sun, for the warmth on her skin. The clouded skies dampened her moods, even on the days that she managed to lift herself out of her ever-present sadness.
The streets of Brussels were unusually quiet. Relena passed by townhouses that looked similar to her own, which glowed in the night. She imagined happy families inside, children, laughter, smiles. She reflected that she had those things, too, but there was a hole that demanded filling - children of her own. For her, having children was never a question. It was something she wanted since she was young. Of course, the potential father turned out to be quite different than she would have imagined back then.
Relena smiled to herself, his face swimming before her. She brushed her thumb over her finger, where a pink diamond sat nestled in a web of silver. He hadn't asked, so much as demanded.
"Marry me, Relena."
Relena's chest tightened as his words rang in her mind. It was the last conversation they had, just over a year ago, before he left on a mission.
The Preventer headquarters loomed in front of her. Tall and shining, it was nearly as tall as the ESUN building just two blocks away. Under the care of Commander Une, the organization had flourished, branching out to fill other needs for the Earth and Colonies. So many potential threats had been removed over the years by the Preventer, efficiently and quietly, to keep humanity safe.
Most of the building was dark, but the lobby was lit up, as it was twenty-four hours a day. Relena used her badge to pass through the front doors. Tyler, the night guard at the desk, looked up from his computer as she entered.
"Good evening, Miss Relena," he called over, smiling. Relena lifted a hand to wave to him. He was young, but she knew he was an excellent Preventer. He had to be. He'd had the best trainer there was.
Relena took the elevator down to one of the lower levels, where the specialized medical facilities were located. The doors of the elevator opened in a long, white hallway. Doors and hallways branched off in many directions, just beyond a desk where a receptionist usually sat during the day. Relena passed by the desk and walked down the hall to room B309. She swiped her badge once more and the door opened. She stepped inside.
Still rising towards the dark
Don't care what's down below
'Cause no one can see me
And no one has to know
Heero Yuy lay inside a plexiglass and metal tube, his head propped up just out of the rejuvenation fluid. The rest of his body lay submerged in the lifesaving and life sustaining fluid, where microscopic organisms worked to repair the damage to his body. An oxygen mask covered his mouth and nose, which was connected to a machine that quietly helped him breathe.
Relena stared at him from the doorway, her hands pressed over her heart. She set her purse on the ground and approached the side of a tube, where a chair had been left for her. She lowered herself onto the seat and pressed her hands against the glass.
Heero had been inside the tube for almost a full year. She closed her eyes, and her ears filled with the sound of her phone ringing.
"Relena, there's been an accident."
Relena squeezed her eyes closed, trying to will away the voice of Une, who was the one tasked with informing Relena about the accident.
"It was an explosion. He's alive... but-"
Relena held onto those two words: he's alive. If his heart continued to beat in his chest, then he would return to her someday.
At first, the coma was induced to help his body heal from the tremendous damage it had received from the explosion and subsequent collapse of a load-bearing wall. After most of the damage had been repaired by the best doctors, Heero didn't come out of the coma. He was placed in the tube to heal.
And yet, after all this time, he was still lost to her.
Relena opened her eyes and stared at his face. A jagged scar ran down the side of his face, where an initial blast from the bomb had struck him. She longed to touch him, to touch the scar that distinguished him from those not brave enough to fight the real battles. People like herself, who hid behind office doors and tried to save the world, one report at a time. She wished to touch his chest, which was pockmarked with scars from falling debris. The surgery scar on his elbow, where the doctors put a metal plate to help his bones heal properly. His hip, where another scar showed the repair work his doctors had performed. Relena knew each and every mark on his body that wasn't there before. She memorized them, so that when his eyes opened someday, she would commend him for each and every scar.
Relena lost track of time, with her forehead leaning against the cool plexiglass tube. She may have dozed off. When she became aware of reality, she checked her watch. It was almost two in the morning. She rose up from the chair and rubbed her eyes. Leaving Heero's side was difficult every time, and became more difficult as time passed. Each day that he remained in a coma brought more doubt into Relena's mind that he would ever wake up again.
She leaned down and pressed a kiss to the tube. "I love you, Heero. I promise I will wait for you," she said. She picked up her bag from the ground and left the room, allowing the door to close behind her. Upon checking her phone, she found several messages from Noin and Milliardo, asking if she was alright. They would be asleep by now, so Relena didn't bother to respond.
Passing through the lobby, she saw that the midnight security guard had changed. She waved to the young woman as she passed through the lobby and out the doors into the cool night.
After the accident, Relena was left alone in her home. A month passed, and it was clear that she was not coping well with being alone. Milliardo and Noin offered to move in with her, temporarily, until Heero returned to his old self. She had agreed, thinking it would be nice to have them with her all the time, and she could have unlimited time to play with the twins. Though she was grateful for their presence, they symbolized a loss she had - that the love of her life was unable to come home.
Relena didn't notice that she was crying until the tears froze and dried on her cheeks, pulling her skin tight. She scrubbed her face with the sleeve of her coat and shook her head, trying to pull herself together. She looked up. Though the city lights of Brussels obscured most of the night sky, she could still see the moon and the brightest stars. A streak of light flashed across the sky before her. A shooting star. She made a wish and held it close to her heart.
The atmosphere is lonely
And beautiful
I don't miss a thing I used to know
I used to know
A.C. 210
March
Days and weeks passed by in a blur. Before she knew it, the weather was warming and trees began to bud with the first signs of awakening. Her office in the ESUN building became warm with the rays of the sun that shone through the large windows for most of the day. Relena shed her winter clothes for lighter fabrics.
One afternoon, Relena's boss entered her office unannounced. She was in the middle of an agreement between two colonies that would lower the tax cost of transporting goods between the two, a mutually beneficial agreement that Relena had been asked to mediate.
Lyle Barnes, Director of Foreign Affairs, crossed her office and sat down on the opposite side of her desk. It was always strange when her boss did this; she knew that other directors often asked their employees to come to their office. But Relena knew that she was held in high esteem by many people that she worked with, even now, more than ten years after the major events of the wars.
"Afternoon, Relena," he said, smiling to her, which she attempted to return.
"Afternoon. To what do I owe the pleasure?" she asked, folding her hands on her desk. Director Barnes smile faltered slightly.
"I wanted to talk to you about the agreement between L2 and L4," he said.
"I'm just finishing with the edits right now," she said, waving a hand towards her computer.
"I know," he said, his face pinking slightly. Why was he so nervous? "I want to transfer that to Vice Minister Webber."
Relena frowned, a crease between her eyebrows deepening. "Why?"
"It's beneath you, don't you think?" he asked, trying to act casual. She could tell there was something off about him. Anger coiled inside of her.
"I was asked by the colony leaders to mediate the agreement," Relena said, her voice lowering as she pulled her anger back. Director Barnes nodded.
"I know, but I have talked to them, and they agreed that Vice Minister Webber could do the job just as well as you," he said.
Relena stared hard at him. He was crumbling under her gaze, but she knew that he wasn't going to leave the agreement in her hands. And yet, he had come to her office, where she was more powerful. It didn't make sense.
"Fine," she said. "I'll send the files over to Vice Minister Webber." Director Barnes looked relieved, perhaps that she didn't put up as much of a fight as she usually would. He was about to stand when she threw another question at him. "Is there a problem with my performance, Director?"
He froze, turned his head slowly back to her, and sank back into the chair. "It's just that - well we know you're going through a rough time right now." Relena rose an eyebrow, waiting for him to continue. He sighed. "I wasn't going to do this yet, but I'm getting pressure from my superiors, including the President." Relena's chest tightened. Was she being fired? "Minister Darlian, the ESUN wants you to take a mandatory leave of absence."
Her coiled anger struck out. "What?!"
"It is evident that you are distracted lately, and we all understand why. No one is blaming you. But we need you to be in top shape, Relena, and you are not, at this time." He was trying to be diplomatic, but Relena knew he feared the anger in her eyes. She pulled back again, trying to hold her anger. She crossed her arms over her chest, as if that might help.
"And how long is this leave of absence supposed to be?" she asked. Director Barnes shrugged his shoulders.
"A few months, maybe? It's not a punishment, Relena. You have been working non-stop since 196, and you deserve a break."
"Because I'm not performing to their standards," she added.
"Anyone would have faltered under the pressure you've been under, Relena. You fought through. You deserve a break."
"I think we'll have to agree to disagree," she said, her eyes narrow.
"Even so," he continued. "It's my call, and I'm requiring that you go home after this week is over, and not return for a few months. Go on vacation. Relax. Let the rest of us carry your weight for you."
Relena felt sick at his pretty words. He didn't understand that a 'forced vacation' was not something she could accept. Taking away her life's work was an insult. It was bad enough that the Terraformation project had been ripped from her grasp, but now, her position, and everything she worked for, would be in the hands of some inexperienced Vice Minister who had not lived through the trials she had?
"You know what," Relena said, rising from her chair. "I'll just leave now."
Director Barnes rose abruptly, stammering, "That's not necessary."
"I know," she said, gathering several of her personal items into her bag. "But I fear that if I remain here the rest of the week, then we will have a conversation that would be more detrimental to my career than this one has already been." He stared at her in surprise, but said nothing as she pushed a stack of folders towards him, and swiped up the pictures from her desk and shoved them in her bag. He remained silent as she brushed past him and left her office behind, anger seething from her body. She ignored every person she passed by in the halls, until she burst into the late March sunshine. Her ball of yarn unraveled further, nearly exposing the core.
Goodbye, gravity
Goodbye, enemies
I'm going up to a place where the world is small
Where I can fly above it all
If I don't make it, sing my song
From here I'm weightless
No stars are famous
And the world is small
I feel so tall
"Maybe it's not so bad," Noin offered, trying to console a distraught Relena. Rather than go home, Relena walked to the Preventer building and burst into Noin's office, desperately holding back angry tears. "You have been working hard the last ten years, and you have been under a lot of pressure, and you have been going through a tough time."
Relena covered her face with her hands, a few tears still leaking down her cheeks. Noin rose from her chair and knelt down in front of Relena and pulled her hands away from her face.
"I know you're angry," she said, her voice calm. "And that's okay. Life has been unfair to many of us. Your brother and I will always be at your side, and you'll support you, no matter what."
"Thank you," Relena sobbed out, throwing her arms around Noin's neck. Noin returned the hug with force, keeping a tight hold on Relena for several moments, until the hitching her chest subsided. Noin patted her back, grabbed the box of tissues from her desk and handed it over to Relena, who took one and dabbed at her face. She took slow, deep, breaths, willing herself to calm down.
"Maybe Une will let me work here," Relena mumbled, twisting the tissue around between her fingers. Noin chuckled.
"You need to rest, Relena. At least take a few weeks off."
"What will I do with myself?" she asked. "My life has been my work. I don't have hobbies." Noin laughed, and even Relena smiled.
"You have an office full of books that I don't think you've ever read," Noin said. Relena laughed quietly.
"That's true."
Noin was silent for a moment, seeming to be unsure about her next words. Relena tilted her head to the side and waited. "And there's that publishing company that wants your autobiography," Noin said.
Something thrummed in Relena's heart. It wasn't anger or sadness, but it wasn't happiness either. Curiosity, maybe. The idea took hold in her mind, latching itself onto a list of possibilities. Before, she never would have had time for writing an autobiography, though she knew many people wanted to know about her life. She received requests for it on a weekly basis.
"Maybe," Relena said. Maybe she could release some of the weight lying on her shoulders, the secrets and memories that she carried with her since childhood. Like a diary, but for the world to read.
"I know you won't listen, but don't worry, Relena," Noin added. "Everything will be fine."
If there's nothing to break my fall
It's OK, I've seen it all
And maybe I was always small
But I could fly before I crawled
A.C. 210
April
Relena's birthday passed by with its usual excitement, though Relena struggled to supply the appropriate amount of happiness. She knew she should be grateful that she had friends and family that cared enough about her to continue to celebrate her birthday year-after-year, but the holes in her heart were too great to fill. She observed from the sidelines as the Vice Foreign Minister struggled to keep up with Relena's workload, but out of pride, perhaps, no one called Relena to ask for assistance. She watched her Transformation project flounder, mismanaged to the point of disaster, when one of the first permanent structures exploded, killing a small group of men and women who had been working on Mars. The video footage made Relena sick.
Relena had never imagined losing her purposes in life. Being raised as she was, it was something she thought she was immune from - that people would let her fulfill her whims as she wanted because of her birth and other roles in the past. But it appeared that her power and popularity had dwindled.
She thought back to the year that she turned fifteen. Back then, she had no idea what she would do with her life. It was the wars that changed her, the death of her adoptive father and the revelation of her true identity. She was thrust in the spotlight, unwillingly, but she brought hope and prospects of peace to mankind. Was that her entire purpose? Had she already fulfilled her life's work in just thirty years of life?
Was there anything left for her to accomplish?
She tried to imagine what Heero would say to her, if he were around. He'd likely tell her to follow her emotions, but at the moment, her emotions were telling her to drink a bottle of wine while wrapped up in her blankets.
After Heero completed his mission during the wars, to help establish peace, what did he do?
He found a new mission.
Relena smiled to herself. Heero Yuy, who always proclaimed to not understand humanity, had found a way to keep himself motivated and moving forward. He always had a purpose.
Relena could learn from him. She would find a new purpose.
One morning, after sleeping in and spending two hours over breakfast and coffee, Relena made her way to the Preventer headquarters. She took the elevator down to the basement and let herself into Heero's room.
As usual, the room was empty, save for Heero, still deep in his coma. Relena pulled her chair up beside the tube and sat down. She leaned towards the tube until her forehead touched the plexiglass. She released a long sigh.
"Help me find a purpose, Heero," she whispered, hoping that somehow, he could hear her. "Help me learn to accept changes and challenges in my life."
A beep, louder than the standard beep of his heart monitor, drew her eyes up to the machine standing beside his tube. Relena stared at the monitor, her eyes wide with surprise. His heart rate had increased slightly. Relena shifted her gaze down to his face, which remained impassive. But his hand - one of his fingers twitched. A gasp escaped her lungs, and she leaned over more, wanting to see more movement. But his hands remained still.
The door opened and a doctor walked in, followed by a nurse. The nurse hurried to the heart monitor while the doctor lifted Heero's chart from a box on the wall.
"Miss Darlian," the doctor said, nodding to her in greeting. "We saw his heart rate increases."
"Yes," Relena said, breathless.
"Did you notice anything else?" the doctor asked, staring through the tube at Heero's form.
"His finger moved."
The doctor nodded and glanced at the chart, and then at the heart monitor. The nurse switched screens to the nodes monitoring Heero's brain waves. "Brain wave activity has increased," the nurse said. Relena squeezed her hands together, trying to calm herself down. He wasn't waking up yet, she knew that. But the first signs of activity since the accident filled her with joy. Perhaps soon, she'd have Heero back, and they could find a new life's purpose together.
Her heart beat wildly in her chest, and butterflies fluttered up to her throat. She stared at his eyes, and thought she saw slight movement of his eyelashes. Relena glanced at the doctor, who was smiling at her. "These are good signs, Miss Darlian."
"Yes, and just the signs I needed."
If I don't make it, sing my song
From here I'm weightless
No stars are famous
And the world is small
And the world is small
-SE