One day, an uneventful yet peaceful day, tucked away in the Shire, Gandalf the Grey approached Froho Daggins in the ghetto. Froho was an interesting hobbit, in his prime. Although his personality had always lacked a little maturity and...maturity.
"Hello Froho Daggins," the old, tall wizard said, "I would like you to do a favour for me."
"Whatyda want ya big gay mango?" Froho replied, picking a leaf from between his toes.
"Ahem," Gandalf said, "I would like you to take this bracelet to Mordor and destroy it."
With that Gandalf pulled a shiny, silver bracelet out of his pocket.
"Daaamn! Ya homo! Where the hell did you get that shit?!"
"It's an evil bracelet that will rule the world."
"I duno 'bout no evil bracelet...but that shit is bling-blingin'! Why do ya wanna destroy this chain?"
"...Because it's evil and plans to take over the world."
"That's some crazy shit," Froho replied, snatching the bracelet, "I'll do it!"
So Froho packed his things and was about to leave the Shire. However Gandalf enlisted Sam, Froho's pesky gardener, to help him.
Froho had been walking quite a bit and had noticed the fat hobbit trailing silently behind him. Froho finally decided to confront Sam about his mission as he stopped for a breather.
"What da hell are ya followin' me for? ...You ain't a stalker are ya?"
"No, Mr. Froho," Sam said politely, "Gandalf asked me to help you with your burden, sir."
"What burden?"
"The task of destroying the bracelet."
"Well...I wasn't really gonna destroy it... Just move away and worship it," Froho confessed.
"That's bad, Mr. Froho."
"Yeah, well, whoever said I'm a good person?" Froho asked, "If you're gonna follow me around like a lost pup then carry my sack for me."
"Yes sir," Sam said, picking up Froho's two-ton backpack, leaning with the weight.
They travelled to the edge of the Shire and bumped into two more fellow hobbits on a mission of their own.
"You punks are stealing again aren't ya!" Froho said after examining the situation.
"He won't miss any of it," Perigreen Took, AKA Pippin, said, hopping off down a hill.
"Yeah!" Meriadoc Brandybuck agreed, AKA Merry, following his friend.
"Now you guys better give him back his crops!" Sam insisted, nagging after them.
"Oh go chew on a sock Sam," Pippin said, sitting down on the road to eat a mushroom.
"Yum! Mushrooms!" Sam exclaimed, eating one too.
"Hey..." Froho said, "Maybe we shouldn't be sittin' in the street, yo. Mum always said"
"Shut up already Froho," Merry said, giving him a mushroom, "I wasn't going to hold out on you."
"Cool," Froho said, eating the mushroom.
Suddenly a cold gust of wind ran down the road and all four hobbits turned to look down the road. The trotting of a horse's hooves was heard from off in the distance.
"This is bad," Froho stated, "We need to haul ass off this road!"
"What he said!" Pippin agreed.
So the hobbits grabbed all of their things quickly and slid off into a cranny in the side of the road. Since hobbits were such small things the rider of the horse could never see them.
The rider of the horse turned out to be very strange looking. He was dressed in a long flowing black cloak, his face hidden beneath the folds. Beetles crawled out of his fingers and his presence gave off an evil aura.
The rider galloped on, ignoring the small things, and left down the road, leaving the hobbits feeling very frightened.
"THAT," Froho exclaimed, pointing after the hooded rider, "was some scary shit."
"Word," Pippin agreed.
"I think he was after you Froho," Merry said, brushing himself off.
"That sucks," Froho said, "Maybe I owe him money?"
"That rider was EVIL, Mr. Froho! Why do you think an evil person would be after you?"
"...Ohhh! ...I got nothing," Froho said.
Sam sighed and pointed to the pocket where Froho had hidden the bracelet; "Maybe he was after a certain evil bracelet you're carrying."
Froho gasped, "I thought the bracelet acted on its own! It has minions?! I wasn't informed of that."
"Gandalf told me that the bracelet is just a tool of the evil Lord Sauron."
"Who's he?"
"He's a big giant eye."
"...?"
"A big giant FLAMING eye."
"Yeah, that makes him a lot more intimidating."
"Fire usually does that."
"So that rider guy is after YOU Froho?" Merry asked, still not gripping the main idea that has been expressed in the dialogue thus far.
"That's right," Sam said.
"That's what HE says," Froho said, pointing at Sam, "I'm still in denial."
Merry paced for a second and then looked at Pippin. "So what you're saying," Merry said, summing up everything, "Is that you have something evil and evil people are chasing you to get it back?"
"Basically," Froho said, rubbing his chin, "But check this shit out. This is a PIMPIN' evil bracelet."
Froho showed the evil bracelet to Merry and Pippin. The silver glinted and winked in the sunlight. Merry and Pippin both gave approving 'ooo's.
"It's very pretty," Pippin nodded.
"Very," Merry, "But I can tell it's evil."
"Yeah," Froho said, putting it away, "Let's just get on with the story. I'm tired of standing on the side of the road like a frickin' hitchhiker."
--
I'm a review whore so...gimme some feedback!