"Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
'Think I'm addicted to your light
-Beyonce, "Halo"
Remus propped his elbows on the table and heaved a sigh as he cradled his head in his hands, inhaling the comforting aroma of his tea as the tendrils of steam rose from the mug resting on the table. He conjured the image to his mind of Tonks walking down the stairs just minutes before; a shining beacon of loveliness with her halo of pink hair. Outfitted so beautifully in that dress for her mission for the Order, Remus had been shocked into silence. He had thought Tonks to be beautiful the moment he met her, but the vision of her tonight was one that would be burned into his consciousness forever. He was thankful for the image tucked away in his memory because, without a doubt, Remus knew that she would never be dressed in such a way just for him.
Scarcely a day out from his last transformation, he felt the need to tell himself, rather harshly, that any relationship beyond friendship with Tonks was an impossibility. He rationalized that the only reason she seemed interested—at least he thought she seemed interested, but it really could be dreaming on his part— was because she didn't truly understand the reality of his condition. Which led him to determine that he'd let this, whatever this was, go on for far too long. Once she did become aware of what a bleak future she would have with a werewolf for a romantic partner, the pain of losing her would likely break him. After so much pain and loss in his life, Remus wasn't keen on adding to it. Keeping what they had from turning into anything beyond friendship was the more practical choice. His adult life had been full of practical choices. He could surely do it again.
There was no denying that it would be far more difficult this time. Remus had felt like he'd been unable to catch his breath since Nymphadora Tonks stumbled into Headquarters and into his life little more than a month earlier. Her luminous personality and humor had been an easy trap to fall into. And fall, he had. At first, she had amused him. That first meeting where she had threatened to hex Sirius and had given back to Snape as if his vitriol didn't bother her in the slightest, he had watched her with interest, unable to take his eyes from her as she'd moved about the kitchen. After working with her, she had impressed him. Her nerve, her seemingly limitless energy, and her attempts to make each mission count to its fullest left him respecting her abilities entirely. And now, he realized, she had him seriously smitten.
He wouldn't judge himself too harshly. After all, when he broke this down to the simplest terms, Remus was merely a man in the company of an attractive young woman. The thoughts he'd had of Tonks since they'd met were ones that he hadn't permitted himself to think about any woman in quite some time. She had swept into his life and taken him by storm, breaking every rule he'd laid down for himself over the years almost instantly. He'd flirted, he'd touched her, they'd nearly kissed. And at the center of it all was Tonks' response to him, indicating that she was just as attracted to him as he was to her.
Indescribable.
That he was in a position in which a brave, funny, intelligent, and beautiful young witch was willingly getting to know him—Remus, the man—despite his lycanthropy, was indescribable.
But ultimately, it was all a dream. This was as far as he should let it go. Regardless of the utterly inconceivable realization that she seemed to return his feelings in some fashion, he wasn't good enough for her; too poor, too old, too dangerous. She deserves someone young and whole, not a werewolf.
Sirius' voice broke him from his maudlin thoughts. "You're going to cock this up before it's even properly begun, aren't you?"
"There's nothing really there to cock up, as you say," Remus replied without looking up. He didn't say what he was really thinking, which was that he had already attempted to ruin their tenuous relationship by acting like a jealous sixth year at a Yule Ball. It still amazed him that he had successfully muddled through fixing that situation.
The sound of a chair scraping across the stone floor indicated that Sirius had taken a seat across the table. "Isn't there?" he asked.
Remus kept his head in his hands so he wouldn't have to see Sirius' face. He needn't give him any ammunition for whatever pep talk he seemed to be gearing up for. If he knew Sirius, and he did know Sirius, he could be sure this particular pep talk would likely include calling Remus a prat seven ways from Sunday.
"Too bad Snivellus gets to be the one to see her in that dress all night," Sirius said conversationally. Remus knew better. He recognized his friend's tactic; he was going to perform the conversational equivalent of prodding him with a stick. "Did you see her? 'Course you saw her. You looked like you needed either a good wank or a cold shower after you two walked into the kitchen."
Leave it to Sirius to put it so bluntly. Truth was, he had indeed seen her in that dress. He would be seeing her in that dress in his fantasies for the rest of his days. His mind was currently warring over which image was better; that of her swaying her hips the way she had on the stairs to make the skirt play about her shapely calves, or the dress puddled at her feet after he'd ripped the blasted thing off.
He frowned. "That's your dear cousin you're referring to."
"I'm sorry to offend your delicate sensibilities." Remus heard the rustle of newspaper as Sirius unfolded the copy of the Evening Prophet sitting on the table. "I didn't say I was going to think about her in the shower, I simply suggested that you should."
"She's young," Remus said flatly, knowing that engaging in this conversation was the only way to get Sirius to back off. That, or best him in a duel, which was out of the question with the house full of children.
"Who cares?"
"I have nothing to offer her."
"She doesn't seem to see it that way. If you'd open your stubborn eyes, you'd see that she looks at you like the sun shines out of your arse."
Remus finally glanced up. "You know I can't let this go any further."
Sirius folded the Prophet and slapped it down on the table. "The only thing I know is that the last thirteen years have been a load of shite for both of us," he said with a measured stare. "And one of us has a chance to have something better in the end."
They were still staring each other down when the herd of teenagers that had overtaken the gloomy house entered the kitchen. They were followed close behind by Molly in full dictator mode, instructing the kids on what tasks they would complete to make sure dinner was prepared. Remus stood and immersed himself in helping with dinner, for no other reason but to put an end to Sirius' input. He knew his friend had a point, but surely he understood Remus' position. After all, a convict had about as much to offer a woman as a werewolf.
A few hours later, Remus was relieved to be alone in the kitchen at last; Sirius had reached his limit for social interaction for the evening, and the kids had finally been ushered to bed. He sat at the table, pretending to be absorbed in a book, when in actuality he'd decided that he would wait up for Tonks. Just to see that her mission had ended all right, he told himself. And, the honest part of his brain revealed, he couldn't let her go entirely. Even if he couldn't have her the way he truly wanted, he would settle for her friendship. Perhaps he would be allowed to continue with those innocent gestures that had come to mean so much to him after so long of being deprived of the indulgence of regular human contact. The treacherously honest part of his brain again spoke up and reminded him that contact with Tonks was unlike anything he'd ever experienced, and it was becoming almost as serious an addiction as his near addiction to chocolate. The simplest of gestures made his entire body burn with a fire he had assumed long extinguished. His hand on the curve of her lower back, her feet resting in his lap, the feel of her tiny capable hand running through his shaggy hair. That last one was the front-runner; he'd likely walk through fire just to feel her fingers brushing his forehead before running through his hair.
His thoughts were again interrupted when the kitchen door swung open. Looking up quickly, hoping it would be Tonks, he saw Dumbledore striding into the kitchen.
"Ah, Remus," he greeted pleasantly. "I'm glad to see I needn't wake anyone at this hour."
"Hello, Albus," Remus replied as he looked up to the wall clock. "Although, I suppose I should say good morning."
Dumbledore maneuvered around the table to sit across from Remus. "Was Harry early to bed tonight?"
"As early as Molly was able to manage."
They spoke easily for a few minutes about safe topics. Harry's hearing scheduled for the morning, how Sirius was faring with his current situation, how abysmal the Chudley Cannons would likely be that year. Remus should have known the Headmaster would take the opportunity to inquire as to how he was doing. He had not said a word to Remus about the inopportune Apparition that had interrupted what would've been he and Tonks' first kiss. He'd simply smiled pleasantly and commented on what a lovely summer evening it was as they had walked to Headquarters. With the early hour and empty kitchen being a perfect chance for a quiet conversation, he had a feeling the topic would not lie dormant much longer.
"Did you rise exceptionally early, or have you been unable to sleep?" Dumbledore asked, his piercing gaze seeming to penetrate directly through Remus, detecting all his thoughts. Remus counted himself a perceptive person, able to read people well, but he knew he didn't hold a candle to the Headmaster.
Remus dropped his gaze to the table. "I slept a good portion of the day before returning to Headquarters. I don't require any further rest for now."
"Is it not a certain young witch that is the reason for your vigil this evening?" Remus could feel Dumbledore's eyes on him still as he continued to study the table. "Remarkable young lady, is she not?"
"A true asset to the Order."
Dumbledore gave what sounded like a noncommittal "hmm", but Remus knew that he said nothing idly. "I daresay Nymphadora is quite capable of returning from this mission unscathed."
"I believe you are correct," Remus replied.
"Nonetheless, I'm sure she will be delighted to see you upon her return."
Remus looked up. "Even if that happens to be the case, do you honestly think it wise?"
"Perhaps it is a decision that is not yours to make. As I have already said, she is quite remarkable."
Remus couldn't bring himself to answer, and instead leaned back in his chair and scrubbed his hands over his face.
Just as he lowered his hands, the kitchen door swung open once more, and the face he'd been picturing in his mind all night was there, back in her usual jeans and t-shirt. Damn, I wanted to see that dress again. Feeling a bit foolish at not being able to stop himself from voicing his question about her dress aloud—easily soothed by the fact that Tonks had brought him back a dessert—Remus decided to sit quietly and listen while Tonks reported what she'd overheard.
He tried his best to listen and be concerned about Hagrid as Tonks spoke, but was easily distracted by Severus' unsettling smirk and comments about something to do with an admirer on their mission. He glanced up to see dark eyes giving him a calculating stare as he spoke; he knew Severus was likely trying to wind him up and shouldn't take his bate. But the thought that Severus Snape had been the one to spend the evening with Tonks—mission or not—brought Remus back to the same bad temper he'd been in all night. Not only was he jealous of Severus spending an evening in her company, but Tonks was a clever witch. He'd loved to have been there with her on the mission, seeing what route she took to gather her information. She was brave and followed her instincts, and watching her while she worked was an amazing thing.
Once Tonks was done reporting to Dumbledore, Remus gave a quick flick of his wand to start the coffee percolating before trudging up the stairs under the guise of waking his sleeping friend. Although he knew that Sirius' dread of the day and worry about Harry would have likely prevented him from sleeping. Hearing Sirius moving about in his room, Remus turned and returned to the kitchen.
After pushing the door open, he stopped in his tracks. Tonks' head was resting on her arm, blond curls spilling across her beautiful face as she slept. Mindful that others in the house would soon be awake, he quickly poured Tonks a cup of coffee and walked toward her, hoping to be close to her for just a moment before the kitchen filled with people. He pushed the errant curl off her face, tucking it behind her ear so he could whisper her beautiful name close to her ear. He hesitated for a moment before pressing his lips to her cheek, telling himself that friends were allowed to kiss on the cheek.
As her hand reached out to him, Remus closed his eyes and greedily took in the sensation of her fingers touching his lips before sliding across his cheek and into his hair. He inhaled sharply. Merlin what he wouldn't do to feel her hands in his hair while kissing her properly, the way he'd imagined almost daily for weeks. In his imagination, he would wrap his arms around her and hold her close, running his hands over the curves of her body that he had gotten a slight feel for while she'd sat on his lap during their mission to the Poison Quill. Her hands would move from where they rested at the back of his neck and slide into his hair, grasping it lightly as she was now. He really should wake her before he lost his sense completely and kissed her in the middle of this terrible kitchen. It was safe if he woke her up, safe if he kept it to himself much he truly desired her. And so he whispered her name again, effectively waking her, which Remus didn't think to be so bad when he considered the sleepy smile he received upon handing her the cup of coffee he'd poured.
The opportunity to solidify their relationship as friends only was presented just after Arthur left with Harry. He'd laughed at her story of leading Scrimmgeour to believe she was carrying on with Mad-Eye, but had decided to take the chance to point out that she was definitely not fated to be saddled with an old man. A young Auror; yes, that would likely be who she'd end up with. Remus tried not to visibly wince as he heard the irritation in her voice as she said she was going home.
"God, you're a prat," Sirius hissed at him as the kitchen door swung closed behind Tonks. "Even I can tell she's arsed, and I'm about as emotionally mature as Buckbeak."
Not sure what he was even going to say, Remus rushed up the stairs and through the front door, catching Tonks just as she was ready to Disapparate. Not surprisingly, since he'd chased her with no real plan in mind, their brief chat did not go well. Unwilling to return to the kitchen and face Sirius' inquiry over the result of following Tonks to the alley, Remus walked with heavy footsteps up the stairs and turned on the shower. Letting the hot spray run over his body, he contemplated why he'd gone after her. Sirius's words? Knowing he'd hurt her feelings? It certainly hadn't solved anything; if possible he'd made things worse. Realizing he wasn't resolving anything in his attempt to drown himself in the shower, Remus turned off the water and toweled off so he could shave and dress.
With no missions planned for the day and no reason to leave Headquarters, Remus pushed his arms through his most careworn jumper and dragged it over his head. As he pulled on his trousers, he was startled by three sharp raps on his door. For an instant, he hoped it was Tonks coming back to continue where she'd left off giving him a piece of her mind. Maybe she'd call him a prat and yell until that bit of hair that fell across her forehead turned red. He loved seeing her emotions, even anger, playing so freely across her face—and hair. She was glorious when she was angry; all temper and righteous indignation. He crossed the room, convinced it was Tonks, only to find Mad-Eye outside his room.
"Be ready to leave in five minutes," he barked. "Albus wants us to work with Tonks on the information she gathered last night."
Remus raised his eyebrows. "I believe her direct quote was to inform you to 'bugger off' until she'd slept and gone for a run."
Mad-Eye gave a grunt along with his lopsided grin. "Black said she left in a temper. Believe me, lad. If she's in a nark, she'll not be asleep." He narrowed his non-magical eye at Remus. "He also said her temper had something to do with you. Not goin' to ask after that." He turned to thump down the stairs. "Yet," he called over his shoulder.
After locating his boots and clean robes, Remus walked down to the kitchen where he was amused to see Molly taking Mad-Eye to task over disturbing Tonks' sleep after she'd been up all night. She was packing food into containers and charming a pair of knives to chop fruit with quick and efficient flicks of her wand, all the while gesturing angrily with a spoon at Mad-Eye who stood silently with his arms crossed over his chest. Remus had a fleeting thought that Molly would make an excellent duelist before she rounded on him with a glare.
"And you!" she said angrily, jabbing the spoon she was wielding into the middle of his chest. "Stop being so ridiculous. And make sure she eats this food."
Remus stood bewildered for a moment as Molly thrust the containers she'd filled into his hands. He watched as she stomped out of the kitchen, muttering under her breath as she went. Remus pulled his wand and quietly muttered "Accio", thinking of his rucksack sitting next to his bed. A moment later, his bag flew through the kitchen door and into his waiting hands. He packed the containers of food, slung the bag onto his back and followed Mad-Eye as he turned and walked from the kitchen.
A few minutes later, Remus stood awkwardly to the side as Mad-Eye knocked on the door to Tonks' flat and grumbled, "Open up, lass." When she didn't answer, he pulled his wand and made to tap the door handle.
"Shouldn't we wait in the hall?"
Mad-Eye turned to him sharply. "Serves her right for not fixing her wards yet."
After muttering a few spells under his breath and tapping his wand to the door handle a few times, the lock clicked and Mad-Eye pushed through the door. Remus entered after Mad-Eye and watched him sweep his gaze around Tonks' flat.
"She's out for a run," he said before stumping over to the armchair and settling down, stretching his wooden leg in front of him.
Remus wasn't quite sure where to wait, but felt odd relaxing comfortably on Tonks' couch without invitation. He settled for leaning against the kitchen counter, folding his arms across his chest. "How do you know she's not gone to see her parents?"
"Cos I know Tonks," Mad-Eye said without elaborating.
They waited only a few minutes before Remus could hear Tonks' footsteps coming up the stairs. He took a deep breath, not knowing what her reaction would be to find him and Mad-Eye waiting for her, uninvited, in her flat. At first, she didn't even realize he was there. She'd entered her flat, immediately conversing with Mad-Eye, not appearing surprised at all to find him sitting in her arm chair. Once Mad-Eye gestured to where Remus stood, she turned quickly, a mixture of emotions crossing her face in a matter of moments—anger, hurt, confusion—before she fought for control and mastered her face into an impassive expression.
As she turned back to Mad-Eye, Remus took the chance to close his eyes and take a deep breath. As he opened them again, he couldn't help but let his senses take over, enjoying the sight of her standing just a few feet from him, dripping in sweat from her run. Her running clothes—thank Merlin for that exercise attire—clinging to every lovely curve of her body. With her back to him and Mad-Eye now occupied with walking over to start tea, Remus took full advantage of the view he had. As Tonks turned back to him, hands on her hips, he was only momentarily embarrassed at her catching his eyes wandering up her beautiful form. Their eyes met, and Remus couldn't hold back his emotions from his gaze as thoughts of them together rushed through his mind. Peeling off her sweaty clothes, kissing her skin as he went. Her hands in his hair as their mouths finally met in the deep kiss he desired, lips parting, his tongue sliding slowly against hers. His hands skimming over her feminine curves.
Remus watched as a blush creeped up Tonks' neck and he wondered—hoped, really—if she was thinking similar thoughts. His mind came back to reality as he watched her Summon a t-shirt and pull it over her head. As enjoyable as these thoughts of Tonks were, they were completely counterproductive to his friends-only campaign. Maybe friends kissed on the cheek, but they certainly didn't imagine one another starkers. He closed his eyes and took a deep steadying breath to calm his mind and his body. Remus opened his eyes and allowed himself one last glimpse of her, letting his gaze follow as she walked from the kitchen toward her bedroom.
Mad-Eye's gruff voice startled him from his thoughts. "Mind your eyes, Lupin," he growled next to him. "And listen up, because I'm only sayin' this once."
Remus swallowed audibly, cursing himself for not remembering Moody's magical eye. He'd known Mad-Eye for a long time. Had fought in the first war with him, had been his friend ever since, and had—until this very moment—never been afraid of him.
"I've known you a long time. Known her for a bit too." He continued to prepare the tea, never moving his head to indicate he was looking at anything other than the tea things before him. But Remus knew better. He knew that magical eye was watching him with a forceful gaze that would terrify most people.
"Reckon she'd be good for you. And you for her. Good lad to have around in a tight spot, you are." Mad-Eye turned to Remus, both eyes fixed on him. "But you hurt her and you'll find yourself at the end my wand, hear?" Mad Eye jabbed a finger to Remus' chest to drive his point home.
Remus met Mad-Eye's stare and nodded once. "I hear."
"Hurtin' someone doesn't always happen on purpose, mind," Mad-Eye turned back to the kettle, pouring water into each mug. "Never had a daughter, but that girl in there… ."
Remus was shocked to stillness hearing Mad-Eye speak so openly about caring for someone. Being friends with Mad-Eye, one knew they were cared for without him speaking it aloud. It was in the way he had your back, would defend you until the end. This was a part of him that Remus had never seen, and he couldn't decide if it more comforted or terrified him.
Mad-Eye turned and thrust a mug into Remus' hand. "I won't have this discussion again."
Remus nearly smiled at the thought that what they'd just shared could constitute as a discussion. Unveiled threats and unique glimpses into Mad-Eye's psyche hardly counted as discussion. Nonetheless, Remus knew to take what he'd said to heart and thought carefully over his words as they sat in silence waiting for Tonks to return.
A short while later, she flopped down on the couch next to him, fresh from her shower and bringing the most delightful waft of citrus smell of her shampoo or body wash to his nose. He smiled slightly, thankful—for once—for his over developed senses allowing him to detect the subtle scent without having to bury his nose in her disappointingly not pink hair. Which was, in all honestly, what he'd like to do. Remus usually detested any reference to anything wolf-like, reminding him so unpleasantly of his condition. But, when Tonks had remarked on his sensitive hearing as "wolfie" in such a lighthearted way, as if she were remarking on something as innocuous as his love of chocolate, it had actually made him smile. Making him wonder if his condition was truly that inoffensive to her.
They worked reasonably well together for a while, but once Mad-Eye had gone, leaving them in uncomfortable silence, Remus wasn't quite sure what to do. How did he fix things? If nothing else, he needed to be able to have a good working relationship with Tonks. Topping that, he definitely wanted a friendship, if nothing else. They sat in silence for quite some time, eating the food that Molly had prepared, before an owl interrupted their awkward meal. He watched her closely as she dealt with her message and came back to the couch. Now was the time to say something, anything to get them speaking to one another again. Apologize for being a prat.
Barely having time to register his relief that Tonks had accepted his apology, Remus felt her fingers brush against his forehead before slipping through the shaggy bit of hair that always seemed to reside across his forehead. There it was: the gesture for which he would gladly walk through fire. Such a simple gesture, but always tender in nature, always soothing. And usually accompanied by a smile. And he never wanted it to stop. Remus found he couldn't help himself from leaning forward and brushing his lips against hers softly. Not the proper kiss he wanted to give her, but for now it would have to do. Especially since he heard Mad-Eye's uneven steps walking through the building.
The rest of the evening was one of the best he could recall in a very long time. Sitting on her couch with her feet propped in his lap, listening to music, Remus decided there was nowhere in the world he would rather be. That Tonks had wanted to cheer him up after the news of Umbridge was like balm for his very soul. He rarely had someone in his life to cheer him, aside from the few people he counted as friends. The three men who had provided unsolicited advice over the last twenty-four hours were the ones he counted as those closest to him, and they had never been able—unsurprisingly—to cheer him up so successfully.
After Tonks drifted off to sleep, Remus took the time to unabashedly gaze at her face while she slept and marvel at what an amazing young woman she was. She was smart, funny, beautiful…he was in over his head, and it should terrify him. In the end, she had seen right through him, seen through his attempts to push her away. And then she'd asked the question of all questions.
"What are you afraid of?"
Nobody could fully understand his fears. It wasn't just that he was dangerous when transformed although, after what had happened at Hogwarts, the guilt of having transformed in front of the children would never leave him. The other fear that loomed in his mind was what involvement with him truly meant for Tonks. Their association would make her an outcast. It was people like Dolores Umbridge who determined his fears and self-worth by making his kind outsiders in the Wizarding world. He would not consider that fate lightly for anyone, especially not this woman who he had already come to care for.
As he carried Tonks' sleeping body to her bed and tucked her in, kissing her lightly at her temple, Remus wondered if there really could be more for them beyond friendship. He liked to think there could be. No matter how many times he told himself that he was just a man, attracted to a woman, he knew deep down that it would never be that simple. And when he was near her, he was glad.
"Don't give up on me, Nymphadora," Remus whispered, and quietly let himself out.
A/N: This is a one-shot companion piece to my OOtP story "Jinxed Hearts". If you haven't read it, go check it out so you don't miss out on the Remus and Tonks love story!
Thank you, of course to my beta extraordinaire, Kerichi!