A Really Dumb Star Trek Parody
brought to you by
Tribbles: Cute and fuzzy and help
you lose weight. How? They eat
everything you own!
and by
The Galactic Warp Speed Limit
Commission: Warp 5; it's not just a good
idea, its the law.
And now on with the show.
The players
Captain Mainway
Harry Skim
Chak O.K.
Banana Torres
Tom Parish
Tooknock
Rick Berman
James Kirk
Dada
Norf
Scene: U.S.S. Voyeur in space stock shot
#3
MAINWAY: Captains log: Stardate 2 million
or whatever. Who cares? No
one's
going to read this anyway since we're 70,000 light years from home
and its
going to take 75 years to get there.
SKIM: We're down to 73!
CREW: Yay!
MAINWAY: Anyway, I just finished watching
The Joy of Cooking Neelix,
uh,
With Neelix, and now we are beginning our day.
MAINWAY: (Briefing room) Well, crew, we
must think of a plot for this
episode.
PARISH: Let's do a weird disease.
BANANA: No, I want a kidnapped crewman.
SKIM: No, a space anomaly.
MAINWAY: Quiet, quiet. We'll do this as we
always do. (picks up hat and
takes
out a piece of paper) and it is a... (reads paper) space anomaly.
EVERYBODY EXCEPT SKIM: Awwwww. (red alert
klaxons sound and crew walks
out of
briefing room.)
MAINWAY: Where the hell are we?
TOOKNOCK: Captain, we seem to have been
transported to a new world
against
our will. This place is dark and filled with a new species who sit
around
and eat donuts.
RICK BERMAN: What are you doing? Get back
on the set!
MAINWAY: They seem hostile. Set phasers to
stun.
RICK BERMAN: You stun me and you can take
a 10% pay cut.
MAINWAY: ... O.K. back to the ship. (Crew steps
onto bridge set and
assumes
positions.)
SKIM: Captain, we are encountering
a...(pause)
MAINWAY: Well, what is it?
SKIM: Hang on, I'm checking the
technobabble generator. It mixes
prefixes,
suffixes, and root words to form new and different anomalys and
equipment.
Oooh, here's a nice one: Spatial axionic flux string.
PARISH: Oh, let me try. (grabs PADD from
Skim) Hey, it's a quasisub-
harmonic
vertion filament. (Presses a few buttons) How about this one:
Ambient
plasmodic retrobeam.
MAINWAY: All right, we get the idea. Mr.,
I mean Miss Torres, what do
we know
about the wormhole?
BANANA: It seems to be some sort of
time/space vortex.
MAINWAY: I meant something new.
BANANA: I think it goes into the Alpha
Quadrant.
MAINWAY: Quick! Beam anything that moves
over here, NOW! BEFORE IT GETS
AWAY!
(Transporter energizes, forms of Kirk, Boney, and Norf beam over.) Oh
no not
another lame crossover episode.
PARISH: Hey? I like those episodes.
MAINWAY: Yeah, but now I have to go do my
diplomatic tactics, like
those
ever work. (sighs and goes over to Kirk) Mr. Kirk it's a-. Wait a
minute,
didn't you die in Generations? (Whispering in background)
KIRK: Ha, ha, ha, ha! You haven't seen the
last of me! I'll be back!
(Drops
smoke bomb and disappears as he laughs maniacly.)
MAINWAY: (Turns to Boney) Mr. Coy-.
BONEY: McCoy, but call me Boney.
MAINWAY: I'll call you whatever I darn
well please. This is my ship and
I'm in
command! But it's a pleasure to have you onboard and I'd like to
present
you with this award for "Actor with most wrinkles", previously held
by
Jabba the Hutt.
BONEY: Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not an
actor.
PARISH: That's for sure.
MAINWAY: Quiet you. (Turns to Dada) Mr.
Dada, so nice to meet you.
DADA: Thank you captain. I'm, (sniff,
sniff) it's just so beautiful
here
I'm (sniff, sniff).
BANANA: What a wimp.
DADA: What! Why you little... (Goes to
Banana and lifts her up by the
neck,
realizes what he's doing, and sets her down) Sorry captain, my
emotion
chip is feeding me a new sensation called PMS. It creates emotions
randomly
at 10 times their strength.
BANANA: I know what that's like.
DADA: Next movie I hear I'm getting
genitalia.
MAINWAY: (Goes to Norf) Mr. Norf, you have
a different uniform on?
NORF: I accepted a transfer to Deep Space
Nine in order to serve as a
liaison
to the Klingon Empire.
MAINWAY: Are we at war again?
NORF: I dunno, I just wanted to get away
from that kid. Dumped him at
my
parents again.
MAINWAY: Yeah, that's what I did with my
dog.
NORF: Besides, have you ever seen a Star
Trek actor have a career
outside
this set, besides doing Colgate commercials and lame documentary
shows?
DADA: I did, I did!
NORF: Yeah, right, you died after seven
minutes in Independence Day and
had one
scene in Phenomenom.
DADA: I had an opening credit. (Meanwhile,
Boney is associating with
the
crew.)
BONEY: (To Chak O.K.) Hey, where'd you get
that neat tatoo?
CHAK O.K.: Tatoo? What Tatoo? (Feels
forehead and tatoo smears on hand)
All
right, who's been drawing on my head while I was sleeping?!
(Silence. Parish snickers.)
(Chak O.K. runs to turbolift to clean up
face.)
BONEY: (To Tooknock) So, another
green-blooded, logic-lovin' Vulcan,
eh?
TOOKNOCK: Yes, admiral, I am a Vulcan and
I will ignore your insults
because
it would not be logical to use violence against an illogical human.
BONEY: Yeah, well you can take your pointy
ears and stick 'em in your
Pon
Farr.
TOOKNOCK: O.K. that was personal (Starts
punching Boney's lights out)
BONEY: Dammit Jim I'm a doctor, not a
fighter.
TOOKNOCK: (keeps smashing into him until
he's knocked out) You want
some
more of that? HUH? DO YA? (Returns calmly to post
DADA & TOOKNOCK: Captain, there's a
Kazon warship off the starboard
bow.
Hey, stop that. It's my job to find stuff. Cut that out. I mean it.
CHAK O.K.: (Chak O.K. comes out of turbolift)
Hey,
captain,
did you know there's a Kazon warship out there?
MAINWAY: Thanks, Chak I didn't notice.
Fire all phasers. (Ship fires
phasers.
They fire back. Show battle scenes from Basics)
PARISH: That's it. Signal our surrender.
MAINWAY: What? We haven't even begun to
fight.
PARISH: Yeah, I know, but I really need to
go to the bathroom! (Runs
into
side door with hands between legs)
MAINWAY: Hey, that's the briefing room!
CHAK O.K.: Captain, I know. Let's send out
one of our shuttlecrafts to
blow
the tribbles out of them.
MAINWAY: Yeah, that always works. Make it
so.
DADA: Hey, that's Picard's line.
MAINWAY: Get Parish out of my briefing
room and get him into the
shuttlecraft.
CHAK O.K.: (Chak O.K. goes to the briefing
room and Parish comes out
before
Chak O.K. can enter) I hope you realized that wasn't the bathroom.
PARISH: What? Oh, yeah, right.
CHAK O.K.: Now get your indicted keister
to the shuttlebay and launch a
shuttlecraft.
PARISH: (Parish goes into shuttlebay to
launch shuttlecraft) Captain,
I'm
ready to engage thrusters and stuff.
MAINWAY: Go ahead. (Shuttlecraft leaving
shuttlebay stock shot #29)
PARISH: (camera shaking to instill sense of danger) Captain, I'm
experiencing
some turbulence.
MAINWAY: Then tell the guy to stop shaking the camera.
PARISH: Hey, you with the camera. Stop moving that thing around.
(camera
stops shaking) That's better. Now I have a clear shot.
MAINWAY: Give 'em hell, Parish.
PARISH: Aye sir! (Presses some buttons,
but nothing happens)
MAINWAY: Mr. Parish?
PARISH: I don't understand... (presses
some more buttons and opens
control
panel lid. Finds some Supervolt batteries) Noooooooo!
NARRATOR: It keeps going, and going, and
going...
MAINWAY: O.K. enough of this, fire
everything we got.
CHAK O.K.: No wait, we've got to
conserve... (but its too late and
Voyeur
fires everything but the kitchen sink. Kazon ship explodes in Cool
Explosion
#58)
CHAK O.K.: Well, that's just great. Not
only are we weaponless now, but
the
explosion closed the rift.
BONEY & DADA & NORF:
NOOOOOOOOOOOO! We can't be trapped on this crummy
little
ship!
MAINWAY: I guess you are. But while you're
here you may as well earn
your
keep. Everyone's gonna get a job and like it. Dada, you'll replace
Skim at
operations. He'll help Neelix with cooking now.
SKIM: Hey, wait a minute.
MAINWAY: Norf, you can be security and
Boney will be CMO.
BONEY: Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a...
oh wait, never mind.
(and so everybody gets a job on the U.S.S.
Voyeur. Tooknock gets sick
of
Boney's insults about Vulcan and kills him. He is currently serving 5 to
10 in
his quarters and spends the rest of his days melding with Suder.
Norf
tries to come on to Banana and gets his Mr. Happy ripped off and
shoved
down his throat. Dada goes insane from the onslaught of emotions and
was
last seen dancing on the warp core, singing his "Ode to Spot" in
falsetto.
The rest of the crew falls victim to a ratings blight and gets
sucked
into a huge black hole in the plot)
THE FREAKIN' END