"I have to admit, I'm surprised." I glance up at Shiki, not entirely sure I know what he's referring to. Luckily he doesn't make me admit that. "I expected you to be more distracted than ever, now that Heiwajima-san has publicly laid claim to you." I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes.
"Claiming implies ownership. Shizu-chan does not own me, Shiki-san." It tastes like a lie on my tongue, but I have to save at least a little face. Shiki doesn't look impressed.
"I imagine he would disagree with that, were I to ask him."
"Can you, I dunno, not? I'm sure you of all people can appreciate keeping your private life separate from work. I'd like it if you didn't cross that line. Especially when it comes to him." I scowl at Shiki, and he shrugs one shoulder in a mockery of disinterest.
"Of course I would never try to come between the two of you. Why would I?" I've been wondering the same thing, ironically.
"You've always seemed just a little too concerned about my business with Shizu-chan." I mutter, as much as I'd like to drop it. Every time the topic of Shizuo has come up between Shiki and me, a cold feeling of discomfort has crawled through me and all I want to do is hide from it. But that's how things end up going from bad to worse, in my experience.
"My concern is only for the work you do for my organization. I am glad that the violence between you two is done, but it does not immediately put me at ease. The things you know-"
"The things I know have nothing to do with Shizuo, and never will!" I snarl before I can help myself. It's Shiki's turn to glare now. "Besides, I don't talk business in the bedroom. It would sorta ruin the mood, given the fact that Shizu-chan hates everything about what I do."
"How reassuring." Shiki drawls. "As I've said, I wouldn't dream of coming between you and your lover. I just recommend you be cautious. Who knows what might happen if people believed he knew too much." It's a threat, no doubt about it. But nothing good would come of calling him out right now.
"Then I guess it's a good thing everyone knows how much of an idiot I'd have to be to tell Shizuo Heiwajima anything important." I stare at Shiki until he reaches into his pocket to pull out a photo.
"I'm glad to hear it. I wasn't sure if you knew how to keep healthy boundaries at this point." He hands me the photo- a snapshot taken from a distance of Shizuo and me several days ago.
I had spotted him from afar and crept up on him to pounce on his back. With my arms wrapped around his neck and my face partially buried in his shoulders, there was no way to see his face. Based on his yelling, I had assumed he would look angry, or at least irritated that I managed to surprise him like that.
The picture in my hands reveals not a scowl or even shock, but the biggest grin stretched across Shizuo's face as he reaches up to grab the hands linked in front of his throat. All the bitching he was spitting out was what he knew I was expecting. This is what he really felt, while I couldn't see his face. It makes something uncomfortable knot in my stomach to know that Shiki saw this side of him before I did.
"I'd hate for the bliss of young love to be ripped away because of your…indiscreet nature, Izaya. You could stand to be a little more careful, is all." I see him standing from his seat out of the corner of my eye. I keep my gaze on the picture.
Shiki wanders towards the door of my apartment, collecting the coat he took off when he came inside. I want him to leave, as soon as possible. I wish he would take this horrible feeling of discomfort with him when he left. But I know it'll probably stay with me the whole day.
"I am happy that the two of you have worked out your previous arrangement into something healthy. Truly, I am. I hope that you can maintain it. I'll certainly be keeping a close eye on things to make sure." His warning is followed by the front door finally opening and closing. It feels like he's still there for an agonizingly long time as I stare blankly at the photo.
How could I be so stupid? I've been so caught up in this fairy tale of Shizuo and I being together that I think I actually forgot what I am for a moment. I'm one of the most hated creatures to crawl around Shinjuku and Ikebukuro. I'm a dangerous, shadowy thing that people deal with, but don't like.
And being disgustingly domestic with Shizuo- even just in passing moments- has painted a target on his back, as well as given people a soft spot to poke at on me.
I shouldn't be mad at Shiki for being the one to point it out to me. He's doing me a kindness, all things considered. Really I'm just more angry at myself than usual, and that anger is overflowing and targeting Shiki.
I've been so stupid. But not anymore.
"I'm going home for the day." I kind of hum to acknowledge Namie as she stands from her desk. "What time do you want me here tomorrow?"
"Take those files home with you and work on them there tomorrow. I have a few private meetings and it would be a waste of time for you to keep coming and going all day."
"Shiki was just here on Thursday." She states it, the question cleverly hiding without being said out loud.
"Shiki isn't one of my meetings tomorrow. His appointment is next week." I drawl, and her brow furrows.
"Don't tell me you're planning on being with Heiwajima all day." Now she adopts a more exasperated tone, and my customary smirk drops.
"Don't be ridiculous Namie." I mutter.
"Excuse me for assuming. You haven't gone to Ikebukuro in five days, and I'm relatively certain he hasn't come here. That's something of a record ever since you recovered from your stabbing." My nails dig into my palm under the safety of my desk.
"How thrilling that you've been keeping track." I drawl darkly.
"Did you fight?" She replies, completely undeterred by my glare.
"No."
Namie stares at me for a long moment, shifting in place like it's all she can do to stop herself from asking questions. Eventually I flick my eyes back down to my laptop, a clear dismissal. And about thirty seconds later I hear her continue collecting things to leave.
"I'll see you on Wednesday." She calls from the door. I give her a quick glance so she knows I've heard her, and return to blindly scrolling through posts. Eventually she leaves, the door clicking closed and locking from the other side with her key.
I lean back in my seat, switching my blank gaze to the ceiling. It's been a long time since I've been so terse and standoffish with Namie. I'm certain she thinks there's something wrong, my behavior alone must be a sure sign for her. I wonder if she'll go resurrect the old group chat with Shinra and the brats to gossip about it.
Not that there's anything wrong, really. Shizuo and I really didn't fight. You need to have contact to fight. These past five days I've barely left my living room, let alone my apartment. And she was right when she guessed Shizuo hasn't been here.
It's not for lack of trying on his part. I pick up my phone to finally reply to the messages he sent me hours ago, feeling only minor guilt as I do.
12:47 PM: FROM: Shizu-chan: Come over tonight.
3:04 PM: FROM: Shizu-chan: Or I'll come to Shinjuku if you want.
4:32 PM: FROM: Shizu-chan: I can bring over Russia Sushi, if you're hungry.
I sigh through my nose, tapping out a reply about being busy with work. Which isn't a complete lie.
The newest job Shiki gave me at his last appointment- which he wisely did before bringing up Shizuo- has been interesting. Not Saika levels of interesting, but better than sniffing out rats in his ranks.
Akabayashi has been keeping an eye on a rising group of smugglers, and apparently expressed concern to Shiki at some point. And leave it to Shiki to immediately want to gather every scrap of information he can about it.
I have an almost complete picture formed at this point, there's just a few things I still need answers to. Thus my meeting tomorrow. It's just one, in the evening after Namie normally leaves. But she doesn't need to know that. Sometimes I just need a whole day to prepare for things like this.
My phone buzzes as I'm typing a reply to a message board on the Dollars site. By the time I'm done with the post, it slips from my mind until about ten minutes later when another text comes through.
6:49 PM: FROM: Shizu-chan: You've been "busy with work" all week.
6:56 PM: FROM: Shizu-chan: What's going on, Izaya-kun.
I cringe a little at the nickname. He doesn't really call me that anymore. Usually it's only when he's really irritated, or especially playful. Given the current situation, I'm thinking it's irritation.
6:58 PM: TO: Shizu-chan: Just doing my job Shizu-chan. Big client, important stuff. All the despicable things you hate.
7:01 PM: FROM: Shizu-chan: What kind of job is it?
I freeze, staring at the text with a sharp pang of panic. Over messaging there's no real way to know what kind of tone he's taking. He may be making a challenge, trying to get me to admit that the job really isn't that important. Or he may be actually curious. Either way, it's discouraging to see him asking about my work after I told Shiki he has no interest in it.
7:04 PM: TO: Shizu-chan: Don't ask questions you don't want answers to.
7:06 PM: FROM: Shizu-chan: What do you mean? Of course I want an answer.
7:07 PM: TO: Shizu-chan: No, you don't. Don't ask about my work.
7:09 PM: FROM: Shizu-chan: Why not, you ask about mine all the time.
7:11 PM: TO: Shizu-chan: I'll stop then.
7:12 PM: FROM: Shizu-chan: Izaya what the fuck is wrong with you lately?
I stare at the words for a long time before deleting the message string and putting my phone on silent for the night. I'll deal with it in the morning. Or maybe the afternoon. Actually it would probably be best to wait until after my meeting, so that I don't let it interfere with my work. That's what Shiki has been warning me about, after all.
Whatever happens between Shizuo and I, it can't affect my job. Because someday Shizuo will wake up and realize all of this has been a mistake. And when that happens, I need to have something to fall back on. This might as well be it.
Shiki flips through the report I put together idly, eyes tracing the words with a dedication his relaxed posture doesn't reflect. He's perfected the art of looking impartial. The more invested he is in something, the less interest he shows.
"Impressive work, as usual." He rumbles once he's reached the end. "I understand you've been putting a lot of effort into this assignment. Yagiri-san went as far as to say you've been obsessive."
My nails press into my palms while a smile I don't feel spreads across my face. "Well I felt it was necessary to prove that nothing has changed with my dedication to my work."
"Did you?" He raises an eyebrow, and my level of irritation.
"Isn't that what you've been doubting?" I point out dryly.
"Not at all. You've always been extraordinary at what you do. Even when emotionally, you're in peril."
I scrunch up my nose in obvious distaste for his words. "And yet my emotional peril is all you've been concerning yourself with for months now."
"It's hard not to be concerned when dealing with something so volatile." I purse my lips and he frowns. "Yagiri-san also mentioned that it's been quite some time since you've seen Heiwajima-san."
"I fail to see how that has anything to do with you. Either of you."
"It's obvious enough to me that it does, considering this self-imposed distance began after our last appointment." His gaze is nearly as sharp as his words. "I know what kind of man I am, but I do not savor the idea of being a home wrecker."
"How incredibly boring of you, Shiki-san." I bite.
"So you do admit it was our conversation that prompted this?"
"No, for fucks sake, the only thing your words did was point out a problem that was already there." His face is still, the same banal mask as always. His eyes are more turbulent. Almost as turbulent as I feel.
"Have you decided to end your relationship with Shizuo Heiwajima?" He asks, the question like a blunt knife to my ribs. I swallow thickly.
"We don't have a relationship. But if we did, it would only be a matter of time before it ended. All I'm doing is reinforcing my safety net for a while. I'm not done with him, I'm just getting ready for the moment he's done with me."
Shiki absorbs this with a troubled little curve to his mouth. Finally he nods, not looking pacified, but at least he's done needling me about it.
"How surprisingly mature of you." He murmurs, tapping his fingers restlessly on the file in his lap. "Although I don't understand your concern. Your 'safety net', as you say, has never been stronger. The Awakusu-Kai would never dream of turning away your services."
"How reassuring." I drawl, and I see his eye twitch slightly. "But a man in my line of work can never be too sure, can he?"
Shiki concedes the point, though obviously reluctant. And even though the conversation turns to more business related areas after that, I can't help but to feel relieved when he stands to leave.
"I'll be in contact with a new job for you soon, I'm sure." He acknowledges as he pulls on his coat.
"I look forward to our continued business, Shiki-san." I paste on a smile that he frowns at. He's still frowning when he closes the door behind him.
I can't bring myself to feel bad for him though. Not as I putter around my apartment for the rest of the day, ignoring an increasing number of unread texts.
"You look awful." I glance up at my bedroom doorway, and the unimpressed secretary standing in it.
"I thought it was your day off." I mutter, turning my gaze back to the glowing screen of my laptop.
"It is. I'm spending my day off worrying about your self destructive ass." She sighs impatiently, pacing forward to confiscate my computer. I scowl. "Have you been up all night?" She demands.
"That depends on your perception of time." I drawl, sitting up from the cozy slump I've adopted against the pile of pillows behind me. Several cracks and pops later I'm sitting cross legged and she's looking horrified.
"Get out of bed." She snaps my laptop shut and places it on my dresser while she digs out some clothes for me.
"What is the point in getting to the part of my life where I can sustain myself from home if I don't get to stay in bed all day once in a while?" I huff, stubbornly refusing to budge.
"You don't do staying in bed, you do traipsing around the city. You do dangerous stunts and more dangerous taunting. You do Izaya Orihara bullshit." She throws a pair of jeans and a long sleeved shirt at me. I don't even twitch to pull them closer.
"Well don't you have me pegged." Namie glares, but there's something in her gaze she just can't hide. It's the same worry I got used to seeing up until six months ago. I didn't realize how glad I was to see it gone until now. "What are you doing here, Namie? Why do you feel the need to worry over me today?"
She considers me for a moment before admitting, "Shiki-san told me you were agitated during your meeting with him yesterday." This isn't a good place to start. I hate the reminder that they apparently exchange information about me.
"How sweet of him, I'll send a postcard." I snap. She frowns just a little bit more, crossing her arms over her stomach in what could almost be considered nervousness. She has good reason to be nervous. "Stop talking to Shiki-san. Shinra and my sisters is one thing, but not him."
"Why? Because he's one of the only people you truly fear? He doesn't want you to fear him, you know." She immediately insists.
"And I suppose he told you that too."
"Yes. He's never wanted your fear, Izaya. He wants your respect, that's all." I roll my eyes, leaning back against the headboard behind me.
"They're the same thing."
"No they're not, and you know that." I fight the urge to roll my eyes again so soon. I don't want the action to lose it's punch after all. "He doesn't want you to fear him, and he doesn't want you to blame him."
"For what?" I scoff.
"He also told me about the picture he gave you." I grind my teeth together so hard my jaw aches. When she continues to stare at me, I take a deep breath and summon a smirk.
"Oh really? Did he tell you that while you were braiding each others hair, or did it come up while you were debating what nail polish colors compliment each other?"
"Actually it was what we gossiped about while we wrote in our burn book." Namie deadpans. If I wasn't so riled up right now I would be able to really appreciate it. "It scared you, didn't it? Seeing that picture?" I don't even blink. I give her nothing that could be misinterpreted as an answer. But that, in and of itself, is an answer. "We just can't figure out why. Why are you so scared?"
"I am not scared." I hiss. "I'm pissed off. I'm only going to say this to you one more time, Namie. And you can pass it on to your best friend, Shiki, too. Stay the fuck out of my personal business."
She holds my glare for an admirably long time before she looks away. It doesn't feel as much like a victory as I thought it would.
"Go home. Take your day off. And when you come in tomorrow, I don't want to hear a word about Shiki-san. Or Shizu-chan. Understand?" She nods once, tense and obviously angry with me. I could care less right now though.
She storms out without another word, taking all of my energy with her. Suddenly I can feel every second of the sleepless night behind me.
I rub my stinging eyes, curling up a midst my mountain of pillows. The second I stop moving, I fall asleep.
"I'm done for the day." Namie announces bluntly. She's been like this all day. She hardly says a word unless it's needed. Then again, I've been the same. I nod, pretending to be more distracted by the website pulled up on my screen.
Namie packs up and leaves without another word. The only reason I know she's gone is because the quiet of my apartment suddenly feels ten times less tense all of the sudden. I glance up to confirm the fact that I'm now alone. And then my shoulders drop by at least a couple of inches and I feel like I can fully breathe.
I'm going to have to figure out how to appease her at some point. And I shudder to think of the next time I see Shiki. But I really had to say what I did at some point. Their forced involvement in my personal life was getting to be too much.
Now that the air is a little clearer, I stand and carry my laptop to the couch to relax and actually get some work done. It's been hard to concentrate when there's been silent animosity floating around me all day. Now it's easy to lose myself in the comfort of the internet. So easy that I almost completely miss the sound of a key turning in the lock of my door.
I whip my head up just in time to watch Shizuo walk through the door. His eyes fall on me immediately, but his face is curiously level. No anger, no relief, nothing. Just carefully blank as he lets himself in, locking the door behind him and kicking off his shoes.
"What are you doing here?" I finally manage to ask once I kick my brain back into gear. It feels like it's been forever since I've seen him. Just the sight of him in my apartment is enough to get my heart racing. It's pathetic.
"If you checked your phone once in a while you'd have known I was on my way, and why." He tells me gruffly, pulling at his bowtie until it loosens and falls open. My eyes track the motion almost without thought.
"I've been-"
"Busy with work. So I've heard." He mutters. He drops the bowtie and his sunglasses on top of his shoes and then begins to walk towards me. I snap my laptop shut, compulsively trying to hide the screen even though there wasn't anything particularly bad on it.
"Where did you get my house key?" I mumble uncomfortably, standing to be on somewhat even footing when he steps down into the couch area.
"Yagiri-san. Not sure if it was accidental or not, but we crossed paths and she all but threw it at me. Said you were getting on her very last nerve and maybe I could do something about it."
She is so fucking fired.
"Namie has always been so dramatic." I try to laugh, but it comes out more choked than I'd like when he steps in close to me. Shizuo's hands have always felt like a perfect fit on my hips. It's like a puzzle piece falling into place now as he pulls me in with his grip on either side of me. I squeeze my hands around his upper arms, mostly just to have some place to put them.
"She's not the only one." He rumbles slyly.
"So is that it? You came because Namie made a spectacle of herself?"
"Woulda been here sooner if I'd had a key of my own. I didn't think things would go over well if I kicked down your door when I wanted to." His thumbs creep up under my shirt, playfully sweeping over the skin just above my waistband.
"Look at you, trying to use your brain like an actual human being." I tease, laughing when he growls low in his chest. "But you still never said why you're here. If it wasn't just cuz Namie told you to."
"I figured something was wrong. Fuck, I figured that a few weeks ago. Just had to wait for an opportunity to get in here. Since you won't answer my texts and all." He nips at the top of my ear, the sting so fleeting and sharp that I'm reflexively digging my nails into his arms before I realize it.
"I've been-"
"If you say you've been busy with work I'm going to bend you over this couch and rim you until you're crying and begging me for forgiveness." A shiver runs up my spine just from the dark, low tone of his voice in my ear. The words only make it worse.
"Forgiveness?" I whisper helplessly.
"For lying. And for keeping away from me for so long without a goddamn word of explanation. Other than lies, that is." His thumbs hook so that they're under my waistband. He drags them down almost too slow for me to notice the subtle slide of my jeans from my hips. I move my hands down to his wrists to still him.
"I'm sorry." I offer freely. His eyes are bright as he stares doubtfully at me. "It's been an interesting few weeks, is all. Didn't want to get you all mixed up in certain things."
"Certain things like what?" He challenges. I purse my lips and he kind of purrs, which is the opposite reaction I expected from him. "You know, I figured you might need some convincing before you'd talk about it." His fingers dig into the swell of my ass, pulling my hips in against his front so that his dick rubs against my lower stomach. I squeeze his wrists, but he doesn't budge.
"Stop that, you're not as cute as you think you are." I dismiss, looking away from him. His nose nudges against my jaw.
"But I am a little cute?" He asks, sounding almost childish. I know he's trying to get me to laugh, or at least smile. I frown.
"I'm not in the mood, Shizu-chan." This time when I squeeze at his wrists, he lets me detach them from my hips. I take a few steps back to let air flow between us again. He looks annoyed, but doesn't immediately follow me.
"No?" He pouts.
"No. Guess you'll have to find some other way to appease your dick." I spit out, turning to take my laptop to my desk.
It's a mistake to put my back to him. The second my computer is safely on my desk, he has me pinned against the sharp edge of surface, with his front flush to my back. I reach out of instinct to plant my hands in front of me while his hands resume their place on either of my hips.
"So you're going to talk to me without me needing to fuck it out of you then?" His voice is nearly as sharp as the dark wood pressing into my abdomen.
"What?" I hiss.
"If you're not in the mood for my dick, you must be willing to talk without my encouragement."
"That statement is so wrong on so many levels." Shizuo chuckles behind me, bending down to nuzzle my neck. "Stop it. There's nothing to talk about, so stop making a big deal out of this. I've been preoccupied. When I'm not, and when I'm in the mood, I'll come see you."
"Which is Izaya-speak for, 'I'll find ways to avoid you until we fall back into our old patterns.' Am I right?" I feel indignation hot like a branding iron in my belly.
"Don't pretend you know me."
"That's a yes, then." He dismisses my bitterness without missing a beat, which only makes it burn brighter.
"Fuck off Shizu-chan."
"If you insist." My brain barely has time to compute his words when he's twisting me around and forcing me back to lay across my desk. His left hand pins me in place, planted firmly on my chest, while his right goes to work at my jeans button and zipper.
I reach for my knife instantly, but he bats it out of my hand before I can flick it open, clearly expecting it. When I turn to scratching at him, he only pauses for a moment to collect my wrists, pressing them between my chest and his monstrous grip.
Over the last several months I've found Shizuo's strength to be comforting, especially when we fuck. I haven't felt panic and desperation due to his force in a long time, not since the morning he got me to break down to him. That doesn't bode well for this- whatever this is.
"What the fuck-"
"You're not in the mood for my dick, huh?" He purrs over my protests, opening my jeans to find my half hard cock. Embarrassment tastes sour on my tongue, stilling any words I could think to throw at him. They would all come out far too defensive for him to take them seriously. "You're such a shitty little liar, I-za-ya-kun."
I can't tell if it's irritation or playfulness being drawled through the nickname. Probably some of both.
With only one hand available to him, Shizuo has to work my jeans off pretty slowly. But every inch of skin revealed only makes the air between us more charged. By the time he's tossing them over his shoulder, I can see the electricity crackling in his eyes.
"Would you stop it already?" I jerk uselessly at my arms, trying to wriggle out of the hold he's pressing- almost casually- to my wrists. It's unnatural that he can keep me restrained like this so easily. But I've always thought he's unnatural.
"I'll stop when you start talking." I open my mouth but any snide response tapers off when his palm slides hot and firm up my dick. "That is, when you start talking about what's up your ass recently. I don't need baseless banter, thanks."
"Motherfucker-" I gasp, writhing under his far too knowing hand. As much as it embarrasses me when he does this, he's done it enough to know my dick like the back of his hand. Like he fucking mapped it out and then studied the map or something. Which means he knows exactly what to do to make me really hard really fast. So fast that I can't even think of words under the barrage of sensation.
Shizuo maintains that stupid goddamn smirk the whole time. Even worse, I can feel his eyes on my face, watching every angry thought or weak moment of pleasure cross my features. No amount of tossing my head or trying to hide my face keeps him from seeing it all. I hate it. I hate it so much.
"St-ah!-op!" I beg when I start to recognize certain undeniable signs that the end is nigh. It actually startles me when he does stop, dragging his hand to the top of my dick one more time before pulling away.
"I'm listening." He states, more than a little pleased with himself. I pant for air, trying to summon the anger that's being slowly buried beneath need.
"Y-You can't just…attack me for information…Shizu-chan." I insist, but it's weak. Needy. I cringe at my own voice.
"Past experience tells me otherwise. In fact the only times I've ever gotten you to open up to me have been after I've made you orgasm. But I'm willing to listen if you wanted to break your pattern." He plants his now free hand next to my head, using the solid support of my desk to lean over me and start pressing long kisses to wherever he can on my face.
I wriggle, trying to escape the insistent press of his lips. He doesn't seem deterred for even a moment.
"Changed your mind?" He asks, false surprise in his tone. "Guess we'll do it the old fashioned way then." A disappointed- not to mention dramatic- sigh accompanies this as he straightens up again.
"Shizu-chan don't- fuck!" His hand wraps firmly around my dick again, but doesn't move. Just stays there around the base of my dick like- oh fuck. Fuck me! "No no no-" His grip tightens to a vice that I've only felt once- but it sure did leave an impression. Enough of one that I can feel panic raw and burning in my belly right now. "Shi-Shizu-"
"Shh…you'll be just fine Izaya. It's for your own good." Shizuo coos, and I want to be angry with him. But it's hard to summon anger when desperation is such an all consuming force.
I'm already shaking just from his hold on my dick. My eyes are pressed closed so hard, spots are dancing across the back of my eyelids. They snap back open when I feel something warm and wet swipe across the head of my dick.
It's disorienting looking above me and not seeing Shizuo anymore. It's more disorienting to look down and see a head of blond hair hovering over my cock. Shizuo's tongue darts out to lick across my slit and something like a yelp is shocked out of my chest.
"You never let me do this before." Shizuo rumbles, his eyes flicking up towards my surely petrified face. "Are you scared that you'll like it too much?"
I open my mouth. Nothing comes out.
Shizuo smirks knowingly, bowing his head again to take more teasing, tasting licks. "It's so cute when I get to see the blushing virgin side of you. Shit, I almost can't believe it still. But then I look at your little red face and it's pretty obvious it's true. So new to so much, and all of those firsts are mine."
His lips wrap around the head of my dick to punctuate his sentence with a firm suck. The noise that leaves my throat is somewhere between a whimper and a shout. Shizuo chuckles around my cock and my back arches as the vibrations of it travel up into my body.
"No no- stop it-" I gasp, my voice being rattled free from my throat finally. "I-I'll tell you okay?! There is something wrong- I'm sorry- I'll tell you!"
Shizuo makes a noise that's almost disappointment as he pulls away from the now shining head of my dick. He doesn't release either of his fierce grips on my body though. It keeps me heaving for breaths as he looms over me expectantly.
"I-It was a picture, okay?" His brow crinkles in confusion.
"A picture? That's what this is about?" He doesn't sound convinced.
"It's there." I tip my head back to look at the top drawer of my desk. Shizuo glances from me to the drawer, obviously trying to decide whether to reach for it or keep his hands on me. Finally he sighs and releases my dick to reach for the drawer.
I feel like the weight on my chest has eased- even though his hold there is as strong as ever. But I'm able to pull in several deep breaths while he's straining for the picture and that's definitely what I needed.
Shizuo straightens up with the photo in his hands, the confused crease of his forehead more prominent than ever. "It's us." He states, clearly not understanding what's so upsetting about it.
"One of my clients- my biggest client…he gave it to me. He said my indiscreet nature could lead to bad things. He was right to say it. I've been so stupid." Shizuo growls in his chest, flicking the picture away so it lands on the other end of the desk.
"Yeah, you have been. You're telling me some shitty client got it in your head that it's bad for us to be together in public? And then you let that be the cause of cutting contact completely, for weeks? That's pretty fucking stupid Izaya." He rumbles. I feel my face flushing, and look away from him immediately.
"I don't expect you to understand. You never think about the consequences of your actions. You just let your monstrous instincts take over." I bite defensively. He's quiet above me for a long moment before he scoffs.
"You're right. I'm just a mindless brute." He mutters. I open my mouth to apologize, already regretting the flippant words. The apology doesn't make it out, my throat closes up tighter than his returning grip on my dick.
Before I can draw a breath to try again, his mouth is back too- burning hot and wet and I choke on the lack of air in my lungs as I struggle to remember to breathe. When I finally gasp a sad inhale, it's wrenched right back from me as he sinks down on my dick until his lips touch his fist.
I can't handle this. It's too much, way too much. I can feel his tongue rubbing against the sensitive underside of my cock. The slight drag of his teeth against my skin prickles all the way up my spine. Even just the knowledge that he has my dick in his mouth is enough to make my blood boil in my veins.
"Shizu-chan I'm sorry-" I whine breathlessly. He makes a vague, grumpy noise in his throat that spreads through my whole body like an electric shock.
He pulls off my dick long enough to growl a quick, "You should be." before he's latching on again. It steals my air away again, leaving me gasping and writhing.
"I-I was just- I didn't like thinking people could see us-" I try to form coherent thoughts- something to explain myself. He doesn't even acknowledge me now. "Fuck, I was scared!" His eyes flick up to me at last and he pulls away slowly. His lips hover just above my dick as he frowns.
"Scared of what?"
"Something happening to you." I murmur.
"Bullshit. You know that even if someone chose to target me, they'd live to fucking regret it. Tell me the truth or I fucking swear-"
"Okay!" I yell desperately. He glares at me, waiting impatiently from between my legs. "Okay… I was scared because… you looked so happy." I admit with a burning blush. His anger dims on the edges, softened by confusion.
"You hugged me. Did you want me to look fucking miserable or something?" He deadpans. I swallow around the knot in my throat, wishing I could be anywhere but here.
"That's how you used to look. When you saw me." His eyebrows bunch closer together, a little frustration building with his confusion. But he lets me go on. "A-And someday you'll be back to looking miserable when you see me. And even though I've known that all along, it suddenly really hurt to think about it. So I thought if I didn't see you for a while it would make it go away."
Understanding finally strikes him- like a fucking lightening bolt if the shock on his face is any indication. He stares at me with that dumbfounded look for so long that I feel shameful moisture building in my eyes.
"You still think…" He murmurs, fading off as his shock turns gradually to anger. "Fuck Izaya, what do I have to do to make you believe that I want to be with you? I've told you half a million times. I've fucked you in every way possible. Look at this." He reaches for the picture again, completely forgetting about my dick for a moment as he shoves the photo in my face. "Look at how fucking happy I was to have you near me! Why the fuck would you think I don't want you?"
My lip trembles. I bite down hard on it to make it stop.
"I'm always going to want you, you piece of shit! Even when you do things like this- making me fucking worried out of my mind! Even when you make me so angry I want to choke you on my dick just to make you shut up for a minute! I still fucking want you!"
He's panting with anger, glaring down at me as I avoid looking at the picture still inches from my face. With a growl he discards it, evidently fed up with my bullshit.
There's the rustling of fabric, but I don't care enough to peek and see what it is. In fact, I'm so busy not looking at him- mostly so I can stop myself from crying- that a tiny click followed by two wet fingers shoving all the way inside of me makes a yelp fly from my throat.
Shizuo spreads his fingers roughly and quickly, adding a third so soon that the burn has me cringing away from his touch. He lets me go, shoving his pants off his hips to palm at his dick instead.
"If I have to keep you tied to my bed to keep you from fucking disappearing on me again, I will. I'll fuck you every spare second of the day, until you're weak with exhaustion so you don't even have a moment to pretend I don't want you. Such a fucking moron." He's propping my knee up to spread my legs and pushing the head of his dick inside of me before he's even done speaking.
A cry wrenches free of my chest as he thrusts in, forcing compliance from my strained muscles. I haven't even been masturbating over the last few weeks, and he must know it based on how unwilling my body is to let him in. He pushes through it and starts a rhythm anyway, driving short cries from me with each thrust.
"Do you get it yet, I-za-ya-kun? Or should I spell it out for you? You're mine, you piece of shit. And you're always going to be mine. And that means that I'm not going anywhere. And you sure as hell aren't either. I'll make damn sure of it." He presses down harder on my trapped wrists. Thrusts in harder with his hips. Pushes up a little more under my knee. All of it lending meaning to his words in a way tone of voice never could.
I whimper despite myself, trying not to lose myself in the curl of electricity running from his dick into my body with each move. It's overwhelming in a way it always is when we have to wait so long to see each other. Except this is worse than usual. This is passion and frustration and agony and longing and so, so much more.
"Fuck, I need you Izaya. And I'm never going to stop needing you." Shizuo's voice is lighter, his hips moving a little smoother now that his fury is passing.
He squeezes my wrists again before letting them go, dragging his touch away and down my body to grab beneath my other knee. He pushes it up to mirror my left leg, opening my ass up more to him so that he can lean in over me and nuzzle under my jaw.
"Shizu-" I gasp, reaching up shakily to wind his hair through my fingers. He purrs against my skin, dragging me closer to the edge of the desk. His lips drift over my jaw, tracing my cheekbone and kissing the tip of my nose.
"Izaya, I want you. I need you." He repeats, kissing my eyelids softly.
"I-I'm sorry Shizu-" I hiccup. He hushes me gently, melting further from anger and back to the calm he had when he got here. "I was scared-"
"I know." He whispers, continuing to kiss across my face. "You don't have to be scared. Not going anywhere, Izaya. Not ever gonna be miserable to see you." He promises, each word aching in my chest.
"I-I'm sorry…" I'm sobbing it over and over when he quiets me with a kiss. It's as deep and slow as his fucking has become. I ache for it in every way, curving up towards him desperately- like a plant starving for sunlight.
"Shh… Promise you won't forget this. I know you'll probably think it again in the future, but when you do, don't forget to think about this too. Don't forget that I want you. That I need you." He pauses to press a kiss into my lips, pulling away only to lean his forehead against mine. His hips draw to a still too, leaving me with nothing but the intense feeling of being the sole focus of his heavy gaze.
"Shizuo…" I murmur, squeezing my handfuls of his hair. He smiles so warmly I feel it burning through my whole body.
"I love you Izaya."
I feel like I've just looked into the sun and gone blind. All I can do is stare dumbly at him. Him and his stupid dyed hair and stupid warm smile and fuck, he's always been too stupidly perfect.
"What?" I choke. He chuckles, beginning to move again. It's so slow and so deliberate it feels ten times more intense than if he just started roughly fucking into me.
"Why are you so surprised? I've told you before, remember? That day." I cringe at the memory. It's still too much for me to emotionally deal with, and it was half a year ago! "Why else would I have played along with your twisted games for so long? Why else would I do anything- even be a monster- to keep you around? Why else would I be here when any sane person would assume you wanted to break up?"
"No, don't wanna-"
"I know, it's okay." He soothes me with a kiss to the corner of my mouth. "I don't want to break up either. I'm never going to want to, okay?"
"You don't know that." I insist pathetically.
"I think I have a pretty good idea what I feel, Izaya." He drawls dryly. "It's your feelings I can never keep up with. God, you're like lightening. I can never figure out when the next strike is gonna be." I can't help but to laugh. His brow crinkles in confusion even as he smiles at my laughter.
"How oddly poetic of you, Shizu-chan." I gasp, breathless from the shock of giddiness and the slowly increasing pace of his movements.
"Maybe I've picked up a few of your dramatic mannerisms." He suggests.
"God help you." I snort. He bumps his nose against mine.
"You don't believe in god." He rumbles. It's not exactly top secret information he's said. Neither is it a hard hitting comment for this moment. But the way he's able to say it immediately, without a hint of doubt that he knows this little fact about me, that's what leaves me struck silent for a few moments.
I pull him close with my grip in his hair for another kiss. He comes willingly, allowing me to have control for as long as I want it. Finally I have to pull away to breathe though.
"Don't forget, okay? I want you. I need you. I love you." He reminds me. I nod. I'd probably agree to just about anything right now.
But beneath that well fucked, easy agreement is a determination to hold up my promise. I won't forget. I'll probably be begrudging about remembering it when I get overwhelmed by my anxiety. But I'll remember. I'm blushing already just thinking about it. Shizuo kisses across the red of my cheeks.
"I-I love you, Shizuo." His hips stutter and he pulls his head up like I've slapped him. I manage a rueful grin as he stares wide eyed at me. "Why else would I have come crawling to you so often for you to fuck me, even back when it hurt a lot? Why else would I be so fucking upset at the thought that one day you'd hate me again?" I point out.
"Fuck, Izaya-" He groans, building up his rhythm again. I toss my head back under the onslaught of sensation. "Why do we always make things difficult?"
"We gotta." I pant. "I think that's our thing."
"We need a new thing." He growls, licking up the side of my neck. I kind of babble an agreement, far too busy clinging to him to put any thought into my words. "Hey, Izaya."
"Hmm?"
"Say it again. Please." He murmurs, almost shyly. I don't know if I've ever heard him sound like this. Maybe that's why I can't even think of teasing him for it.
I pull on his hair a little to get him to bring his head up and meet eyes with me again. His eyelashes flutter when I rub my thumb behind his ear, a small smile quirking up the sides of his lips. He's…fuck he's perfect.
"I love you, Shizuo." I breathe. He sucks in a shaky inhale, smile going blinding again. One of his hands- fuck if I know which one- wraps around my dick again. It takes less than a minute after that for me to be in the free fall of orgasm, pulling him along with me seconds later.
I wish I could stay in this cozy, fuzzy state forever. But the peace is shattered only a few minutes later by my phone ringing a foot away, next to my computer. I stare blankly at it for long enough that Shizuo is the one to reach for it. He flips it open without hesitation.
"What?" He growls. Any other time I would panic at the thought of him potentially addressing my clients like that. But right now, I literally do not give a fuck.
Shizuo's face scrunches up for a moment before easing into dislike instead of anger. "Yeah, I'll tell him." He flicks the phone shut without saying goodbye, and tosses it back to the side to start pressing kisses across my face again.
"Who was it?" I dare to ask, tipping my head to the side so he can have better access. He purrs appreciatively, nipping at my jaw before answering me.
"Shiki-san." My heart shudders in my chest. He must feel the way I tense up. "He said he'll be here tomorrow at noon for your meeting."
"Oh." It falls like lead from my mouth. Shizuo kisses the corner of my lips again, waiting until I look up at him to kiss me fully.
"Which means, we have…a little over twelve hours for me to wreck you as thoroughly as possible before he gets here." His grin is positively devilish. Before I can reply, he's lifting me up over his shoulder and turning on his heel towards the stairs.
"You're positively insatiable Shizu-chan." I sigh, a fond smile spreads over my face while he can't see it.
"Well I have a lot of time to make up for, I-za-ya-kun." He throws right back.
At least this time it's very easy to tell that it's playfulness in the syllables of the old nickname.
"I know you find standard background checks to be tedious, but in this case-"
"Oh I understand completely Shiki-san. Hard to trust a background check submitted by a counterfeiter." I glance up at him briefly before returning my gaze to the file in my hands.
"Yes, well, she would be a valuable asset, if we could trust her." Shiki drawls.
"I'll do my best to reassure you then. I'll have the standard run down ready by Friday." I promise, flipping the file closed and standing to put it on my desk. It's still a mess from last night, I had no time to straighten anything out. Shiki doesn't miss it of course, just raises an eyebrow as I idly move things back into place.
"It seems trouble has left paradise." He remarks, doing his best to sound as bored as possible.
"For now, it would seem so." I agree easily enough, turning to face him. "You and Namie can breathe easy. I won't be self destructing quite yet." There's mocking in my tone that makes him frown. But he chooses not to bite at me for it.
"I know you don't like the idea of me being in your business." Shiki states.
"There's an understatement." I mutter under my breath.
"In the future I'll try to be more conscious of your…delicate limits. But keep in mind, I really intend no ill will."
"I know." Again it's easy enough to admit. And it seems to stun him a little. "After a little reflection, your actions don't seem so nefarious. It's as you've said many times. I'm a valuable asset to you. It would be foolish for you to be negligent in your attention to me, and end up with a broken tool."
"That has been my thought process." He acknowledges. "I didn't intend offense. But I can understand why you would perceive it that way."
I hum to agree. We stare at each other for a long moment before the sound of a door closing upstairs draws our attentions away. Shizuo appears at the top of the staircase- freshly showered and dressed in the largest spare clothes I could find. Sweatpants and a hoodie is a good look on him.
"Oh, I figured you'd be done by now." He rumbles, eyeing Shiki with obvious dislike. Shiki returns the gaze with a totally blank mask.
"We are." He sighs, standing with a feline grace I'm convinced all of us on the shadowy side of the law have. Shizuo clomps down the stairs, heading straight towards me to kiss me in passing on his way to the kitchen.
Shiki and I both see it for what it is- a purely possessive move. I find myself smirking as Shiki rolls his eyes. And really, it is funny. Shizuo has nothing to worry about from Shiki.
"I'll see you on Friday then, Orihara-kun." He tilts his head in the closest thing to a respectful bow he can manage. I mirror it.
"I look forward to it, Shiki-san." His eyes dart towards the dark shadow lurking in the kitchen with a cup of coffee.
"Good afternoon, Heiwajima-san." He offers. Shizuo kinda of grunts in answer, and I snort a laugh. I wave playfully as Shiki leaves, being enveloped in arms not even ten seconds after the door closes.
"Aren't you a ray of sunshine today." I cackle, tilting my head to the side when he presses his nose behind my ear, asking for access. His teeth dig into my neck without warning, wrenching a shuddering gasp from my lungs. I clench my hands in his hair until he pulls away, looking sullen.
"Shoulda done that last night." He mutters, licking at the bite to try to sooth the sting in my skin.
"You're so primitive Shizu-chan." I sigh, already imagining the size of the bruise he's sure to have left. It'll probably linger for weeks.
"Mine." He growls into my skin. Rather than irritate him further, I pet his hair until I feel him start to calm down.
"Yes, I know. And so does he, you know. He's not competition." Shizuo grumbles into my neck, nuzzling the bite mark like it's his own personal worry stone. I smile, turning my head to press a soft kiss to the top of his hair. "Even if he was, I'd pick you. Every time." I whisper this, but I know he hears me.
His arms around me become less of a cage and more of a caress. And he finally pulls away from my neck to look me in the eye.
"Are you hungry?" I ask him, trying to move the conversation along. He seems to really debate it for a moment before a wicked smile crosses his face.
"As a matter of fact, I've been having the strangest craving recently. I got a little taste once, but you know how monstrously insatiable I can be." He backs me up until I'm up against my desk. A little coaxing has me sitting on the top as he kneels in front of me. "Now, where were we?"
"You're going to be the death of me." I breathe.
He smirks from between my legs. Fuck, he's perfect. "Well, at least it'll be a satisfying death, right?" His thumb pops open the button of my jeans.
"You're ridiculous." I sigh, watching him tug down my zipper with deliberate care.
"But you love me." Shizuo winks and has his lips around my dick before I can reply. But he doesn't need a reply, really. He already knows.
I love him. And sometimes that hurts more than anything. But it's a pain I'm willing to suffer for as long as he's willing to hurt me with it.
Preferably forever.