"Now listen and listen well before you begin to shout and yell at me like you have done so many times before. Let me make one thing perfectly clear my dear police officer, my Grandfather Winter is a terrible drunk and let that lead into the extremely long drawn out speech of which I have prepared for you.
"General Winter, like many of us, enjoys a good drink now and again. Now seeing as he can't drive anymore for he is visually impaired because of his age so I really didn't have much worries about him getting in a car accident because of his drunken habits, so as you can most likely tell I am a bit surprised by what has happened today because of my silly, old, senile grandfather.
"No. I can see that look on your face. So let me tell you something I had nothing to do with this and am only relaying onto you what I have seen my Grandfather do.
"Where shall we start, oh the beginning? Why not?
"Well as you know I was born and raised in Russia. Same with my dear grandfather and my sisters, we lived in a small shack with my parents just outside of Moscow. Yes I know I'm getting to the murder. My mother would whine and cry about our financial state and my father and grandfather would shout and bicker there wasn't much change. One day my Grandfather was in a drunken stupor and snapped, killing both of my parents in a fiery rage of drunken attacks.
"My sisters were horrified and couldn't believe what happened but I didn't care really. My parents were never the best and really when they died my Grandfather got off the hook and took us into his custody.
"You see my Grandfather was a grave robber as well, back then he had much better mobility to do such a labor demanding task, and you see we lived near a very famous graveyard of which a lot of items of monetary value were buried. We sold those and ended up moving to this house of which we are standing in now, the bathroom down the hall is a bit of an attachment I added for my Grandfather because he can't get up the stairs but that's against the point, we moved in here and that's when my dear old Grandpa Winter began to loose his sight and mobility and all that jazz. By the time he was ninety I thought I might as well get him out of the way and kill him but because of my sisters I wasn't able to do so.
"Now here's where it gets good and the homicide and such comes into play. My Grandfather uses most of his money to drink and gamble, much like any single male really, but that's what he does. A while ago my Grandfather had made a deal with a Mr. Ludovick Beilshidmt to do a bit of a job for him, prepaid of course. What happens when you prepay people you may ask? Well it's as simple as they don't do it, so my foolish Grandfather was enraged to the point that he would no longer be able to control himself. He leapt into the car still drunk out of his mind, mind you. But still he reversed, drove over a couple people, turned around the block and parked the car promptly in our front room as you can see by the large SUV protruding from the wall behind you.
"You see during that time I was watching television until the car so rudely crashed through the window and ran over our very expensive T.V.
"Well yes, he stepped out of the car and no, no, don't give that "I've hear enough" face for I assure you, you haven't. May I continue? Thank you. Okay so he then stepped out of the car and- oh come on I can obviously tell you're ignoring me! You know what? I don't even care!
"Okay so I was watching T.V. Yadda yadda, Grandpa got out of the car, locked it, sat next to me, STABBED ME IN THE ARM and then asked what was on T.V. really I have NO idea where he got the knife but still he managed.
"So yes, that is why you seem to have found a decapitated head in our closet."