The Homestuck MisFiles

by Drazule

A timeline doomed from the start. A human who shouldn't be there, and the tyrannical troll that found him. This new human should keep the whole group entertained as he struggles to deal with his world's destruction, magical floaty powers and odd human-like creatures known as trolls... mainly Terezi and Karkat. Follow Chris's plight through the outer rim, updates every other Wed.

1. File 1: Awakening

THE HOMESTUCK MISFILES

By RolePlayers Rachel Sarchet and Abigail Lawton

File 1:

"OH MY GOG...

HOW 1NT3R3ST1NG.

W41T T1LL 3V3RYON3 G3TS 4 LO4D OF TH1S.

H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3

OH, TH1S 1S GO1NG TO B3 FUN : ]"

Terezi Pyrope begins poking at the slumbering human with her cane, trying to rouse them. She cackles to herself, imagining the sight that will greet the creature when they awaken.*

Chris grumbles and rolls over... "Five more minutes..."

" YOU C4N SL33P WH3N YOU D13! UP L1TTL3 HUM4N UP!" Terezi gives her cane one last huge push, almost rolling Chris over.

Chris tries batting the cane away sleepily while groaning, "I feel like I'm already dead... " then he blinks open one eye... and then opens both eyes wide. "Oh gosh I DID die! What the-"

"H4H4H4H4H4! 1 4SSUR3 YOU YOU H4V3N'T D13D... Y3T! 1'M JUST WOND3R1NG HOW YOU GOT ONTO OUR M3T3OR. D1D SOM3ON3 TR4NSPORT4L1Z3 YOU :?"

He scratches his head and blinks slowly... " ...Meteor? ...Well I have no idea how I got here but... I'm pretty sure that I fell asleep. " snaps his finger, "That's it! I'm asleep and when I close my eyes and open them again, I'll be back in my room on earth! " He closes his eyes...

Terezi moves her head in really close next to the boy and waits for his eyes to open

Chris opens his eyes and freaks out, "OMGosh you're WAAAAY to close for personal comfort lady... I think... You are a lady right?" he asked as he started scooting backwards to put some space between them...

She puffs her cheeks in indignation, " OF COURS3 1 4M 4 L4DY! 1 4M, 1N F4CT," She stands and twirls her cane dramatically, "T3R3Z1 PYROP3, TH3 MOST F34R3D L3GISLAC3R4TOR ON ALT3RN14!" She throws her head back and laughs even more maniacally, " OF COURS3, ALT3RN14 DO3SN'T R34LLY 3XIST 4NYMOR3, SO TH4T'S B3S1D3S TH3 PO1NT. BOTH OF OUR PL4N3TS H4V3 B33N D3STROY3D BY THE M3T3ORS BY NOW."

Chris blinks at her and then his shoulders slump a bit and he asks again, hesitant... "Both?... You mean... earth's gone too? Then this... isn't a dream?"

"Y3P! SORRY TO T3LL YOU, BUT TH3 3ARTH 1S OLD N3WS. M34N1NG TH4T YOU 4R3 ON3 OF..." she begins to count on her fingers, lifting and putting them down seemingly randomly, "NO, TH4T GUY D13D... BUT TH3R3 4R3 THOS3 OTH3R ON3S... OK4Y, 1 TH1NK TH4T'S 1T! YOU 4RE TH3 NINTH HUM4N L3FT THROUGHOUT THR33 3NT1R3 UN1V3RS3S! " she shrugs, " 3V3RYBODY 3LS3 1S D34D. SORRY."

He blinks, "...That's... a lot to take in. Give me a moment..." he then feints pathetically.

Terezi rolls her eyeballs, which is largely ineffective because of their solid red color but she doesn't really care. With some difficulty, she is able to lift the boy onto her back. She doesn't have to carry him far before she locates a transportalizer and steps onto it, bringing the two of them into a room without much in it but a computer on a desk, several treasure chests, and a couch. The walls are a gray steel, as they are in all of the rooms on the meteor. Terezi lays Chris on the couch then goes to one of the treasure chests, pulling out a red cape with a dragon head shaped hood. She drapes it over the human then sits at the computer to wait for him to wake up*

After about thirty minutes or so, Chris sits up and stares around him... wondering how the heck he got from a strange meteor to this place...

Terezi immediately senses Chris moving and whirls around, sharp toothed grin in place. " 4ND SO W3 M33T TH1S W4Y 4G41N."

Chris actually screams like a little girl and then hugs the dragon cape... when he calms down he puts a hand on his forehead and sighs, "You... why do you DO that?! It's not funny! You nearly gave me a heart attack um... what's your name again?"

"T3R3Z1! 4ND YOU, MY L1TTL3 HUM4N?"

"Chris... or Christopher. Whatever you prefer... " It was really strange having a conversation like this after one knew that their world was destroyed... he blinks and then releases the dragon cape a little and looks down at his hands... before curiosity gets the best of him and he looks back up at her, "...so... you're not human."

She scoffs, " OF COURS3 NOT! 1 4M NOT N34R P1NK 4ND FL1MSY 3NOUGH FOR TH4T! NO, D34R L1TTL3 CHR1S HUM4N, 1 4M SOM3TH1NG V4STLY SUP3R1OR."

There was a pause and a moment of silence before he spoke again, "Yes... Of course you are. And I suppose that I ought to be worshipping the ground you walk?" -_- He is not amused... He, for one thing, LIKED the human race... even if he was one of the last survivors.

The grin reappears, "W3LL YOU OUGHT TO, S1NC3 W3 CR34T3D YOUR R4C3 IN TH3 F1RST PL4C3! YOU 4R3 FORG1V3N FOR NOT DO1NG SO, HOW3V3R, 4S 1T WOULD NOT BE V3RY M4NLY OR COOL. COOLN3SS 1S 4N 3XTR3M3LY 1MPORT4NT QU4L1TY, 4ND 1 3XP3CT YOU TO STR1V3 TO PR3S3NT 1T 4T 4LL COSTS."

Chris is now very confused, "Wait... Whaaat?" he was not told in any church, book or internet article that the world was created by a bunch of grey people with horns in the sky...

Terezi appears to examine her new acquaintance, " HMM... WH1L3 YOU W3R3 ON 34RTH, D1D YOU 3V3R H3AR 4BOUT 4 G4M3 C4LL3D SBURB? 4PP4R3NTLY 1T W4S V3RY POPUL4R."

He scratched his head, "No... not really..." then paused and thought about it a little bit longer, "Wait, actually yes. It was supposed to be pretty awesome but... it was also very expensive. There was no way I could afford that! Why?"

She leans forward, chin in her hands as she explains. " 1T'S 4 V3RY, V3RY 1MPORT4NT G4M3. TH3 V3RS1ON ON MY PL43T W4S C4LL3D SGRUB. LONG STORY SHORT, WH3N YOU B3G1N TH3 G4M3 SUCC3SSFULLY 1T TR4NSPORTS YOU TO 4 MYST3RIOUS PL4C3 C4LL3D TH3 M3D1UM WH1L3 YOUR PL4N3T 1S D3STROY3D. 1F YOU W1N TH3 G4M3, 1T CR34T3S 4 UN1V3RS3. MY T34M OF PL4Y3RS H4D CR34T3D OUR UN1V3RS3, TH3 ON3 CONT41N1NG 34RTH, BUT W3R3 UN4BL3 TO 3NT3R 1T B3C4US3 4 D3MON D3STROY3D OUR G4T3. R1GHT NOW W3'R3 TR4V3L1NG THROUGH 4 PL4C3 OUTSID3 OF TIM3 C4LL3D TH3 V31L, TRY1NG TO G3T TO 4 N3W V3RS1ON OF YOUR UN1V3RS3 SO TH4T TH3 HUMAN PL4Y3RS C4N TRY TO W1N TH31R G4M3."

He is now completely mind blown, as if he hadn't been before… "Woah... sounds complex." then he shifts and feels something under him. Oh right! His back pack! His parents had given him his birthday gift later than usual... and now he guessed that was all he had left of them...

One of Terezi's fingers wags through the air, " TH3 CR34T1ON OF UN1V3RS3S 1S NO P1CN1C, YOUNG CHR1S." She sniffs while he pulls out his backpack, "WH4T H4V3 YOU GOT TH3R3...?"

He starts opening his backpack, "Well, my music player, my laptop... which probably isn't connected to the internet anymore seeing as well... the universe is weird... Anyways, I also have this present my mom gave me for my birthday and some cake."

She nods solemnly, "1 H4V3 H34RD MUCH 4BOUT YOUR HUM4N B1RTHD4YS 4ND TH1S 1NF4MOUS "C4K3" OF WH1CH YOU SP34K."

From the way she says it, he wonders if it was good news or bad news... "What... exactly have you heard? " then he looks at his slightly squashed cake... "Would you like to try some?"

She snatches the piece from his hand, " W3LL 1F YOU 1NS1ST! 1T'S COLORS SM3LL DEL1C1OUS!" Cautiously, she licks the cake, and her eyes widen, red behind her red glasses. She gobbles up the rest suddenly. " HOW COULD JOHN 3V3R COMPL41N 4BOUT H4V1NG TOO MUCH OF TH1S STUFF!? 1T'S 4M44444444ZING..."

...it's colors smell? Wait... "Are you blind?" Then he feels bad for asking the question... "Sorry! Sorry... I didn't mean-"

"H3H3H3H3H3, 1 M4Y B3 D1S4BL3D, BUT DON'T M1ST4K3 M3 FOR B31NG 1MP41R3D. YOUR BROWN H41R SM3LLS L1K3 D3L1C1OUS CHOCOL4T3."

Gapes in amazement, "How do you do that?! You smell colors?!" then he looks down at his cake... he still had quite a bit left, "Do you want another slice?"

" :O Y3SSSSSSS!" Not waiting another second, she grabs the offered cake. When she has it though, she eats one slightly more slowly, seeming to savor it. " 1T'S L1K3 4 B34UT1FUL R41NBOW 1N MY MOUTH... D1D YOU KNOW TH4T R3D 1S TH3 T4ST13ST COLOR?"

He shook his head, "No, I wouldn't know. I don't taste in color." then he proceeds to open the box his dad gave him...

Terezi leans slightly, curious, "WH4T 1S 1T?"

Pulls out a red yo-yo... "It's a yo-yo. Oh joy I always wanted one." He said, sounding sarcastic. What would have given his dad the impression he wanted a yoyo of all things?

"MOST 1MPORT4NTLY, 1T 1S R3D, 4ND TH3R3FOR3 1 4PPROV3. WH4T 4R3 YOU GO1NG TO DO W1TH 1T?"

Chris shrugs, "I have no idea. Play with it when I am bored I suppose."

Her expression turns mischievous, " W3LL, R4NDOM TH1NGS 4R3 4LW4YS FUN TO H4V3. L4T3R W3 C4N 4LCH3M1Z3 SOM3TH1NG 3P1C34LLY COOL FROM W1TH 1T. M1GHT 4S W3LL JUST PUT 1T 4W4Y FOR NOW."

...alchemize? Something tells him that he'll find out about that later so he might as well not even ask "Okay then." He said as he put his yo-yo away. Then he gets out his computer, "Do you want to listen to music or something or is there something urgent we need to do, because I think I am going to sit here and cooly reflect on how confusing life is."

Terezi shrugs now, "Y3S W3 SHOULD BE MOVING TH3 OUT3R RING FOR 4BOUT TWO MOR3 34RTH Y34RS 4T TH1S PO1NT, SO TH3R3 1SN'T 4NYTH1NG R34LLY PR3SS1NG TO DO."

But he freezes, "Two years? What?! We're stuck on this rock for two years? O-o"

"H3Y, 1T'S 4 V3RY N1C3 M3T3OR!" she protested, " W3 H4V3 4LL SORTS OF COMPUT3R L4BS, MUT4NT SC13NCE CR34TUR3S 1N T3ST TUB3S, CONFUS1NG P4THS OF TR4NSPORT4L1Z3RS 4ND P3RC4R1OUS ST41RC4S3S, TH3 WORKS! 4ND W3 4R3 MOV1NG 4T TH3 SP33D OF L1GHT R1GHT NOW, WH1CH 1 KNOW 1SN'T TOO IMPRESS1V3 BUT 1T W4S TH3 B3ST W3 COULD DO ON SHORT NOT1C3. D1FF3R3NT UN1V3RS3S JUST T4K3 4 R34LLY LONG T1M3 TO G3T TO, NOT TO M3NT1ON TH4T W3 H4D TO PLOT OUT OUR COURS3 JUST RIGHT SO TH4T TH3 T3MPOR4L FLUCTU4T1ONS OF THE OUT3R R1NG D1DN'T H4V3 US RUN 1NTO OURS3LV3S FROM TH3 FUTR3 OR 4NYTH1NG L1K3 TH4T."

He stares at her, sort of getting it but at the same time not getting it and really just getting confused in the end. "You can run into your future selves? Well, that sounds interesting..." What had his English teacher called that sort of thing? A paradox? Or was that something that was created if he were to meet his future self.

"BY RUN 1NTO, 1 M34N G1G4NT1C M3T3ORS COLL1D1NG 4T TH3 SP33D OF L1GHT. 1T WOULD B3 B4D."

He nods, trying his best to understand, but his head was just hurting. "Collisions are always bad unless they are collisions with cake. THAT is sweet. Anyways, back to the music question. You don't mind if I play some then?" he just feels... weird...

"OH, Y3S, GO 4H43D." She's actually pretty curious about human music, since so far she's only actually heard Dave's rapping. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but she would like to expand her horizons a little.

Chris actually likes a very different kind of music. He particularly likes Night Bird City which he puts in a disc of right then and there and lays back on the couch, trying to pretend that he was home... it was just hard to imagine that his planet went... poof... the music begins to play and he relaxes a bit. He loved this song... and ended up humming to it without really realizing it.

Terezi has never heard anything like this in her life. While Chris leans back, she leans forward. When he starts to hum, she for the first time realizes that she is now dealing with a very different creature than either of the human boys she has met before.*

**Music they were listening to:

watch?v=UMuOcyZjB2A

Chris could almost hear his mom down in the kitchen, his little brother playing with the toy trucks and... someone breathing in his face? He blinked open his eyes and saw Terezi really close... again. He sighed and put his hand over her face and pushed her back a bit, "Again with the personal space issue. Do you even have that word in your dictionary? Personal space?" then he smiles a bit, to show it was a joke. Music always made him feel better.

"1... R34LLY L1K3 TH1S." Terezi allows herself to be pushed away without complaint, and leans on the back of the couch. "TROLLS DON'T H4V3 4NY K1ND OF MUS1C L1K3 TH1S."

Chris blinks, now curious himself... and also just learning that her kind were called trolls... They had horns, but if these creatures are what humans got the big ugly, smelly version of trolls of earth from then he thought they were pushing it. Terezi didn't look or smell bad at all. She almost appeared normal… Except with her red eyes, sharp teeth, grey skin and candy colored horns. "What kind of music do you listen to?

"TH3 MOST POOPUL4R TH1NG WOULD B3 SL4M POETRY." She said as she raises one eyebrow, "1T 1S MUCH L1K3 HUM4N "R4PP1NG". TH3N W3 H4V3 MUS1C TH4T 1S MOSTLY 1NSTRUM3NT4L 4ND FR4NKLY V3RY BOR1NG. NOT 4LW4YS, BUT TH3 M4JOR1TY OF TH3 T1M3. 1 W1LL R34D1LY 4DM1T TH4T TH1S 1S MUCH B3TT3R." She settles back even more, shifting to get comfortable, and prepares to sit and listen for a while.

And Chris, seeing that she is getting comfortable and seems to enjoy it, smiled softly to himself and then pushed play again so that the disk would keep going. Then he too rested his head back against the couch and closed his eyes once more, drowning his soul in music as he hummed away.

**Music they were listening to:

watch?v=LjKlQz97M80

The music is calming, and slowly, Terezi's unseeing eyes close. Her shoulders droop, and she drifts into sleep.

Chris has had a very mind-blowing day... His world was destroyed and he hadn't even known about it until now when he was hurtling through space on a meteor towards some destination two years in the future. He was pretty mentally exhausted and the music was soothing and... Zzz...