No. This is not happening.
Leia barely notices the hitch of her breath as time seems to slow around her; her blood reaching absolute zero. Her mouth is dry and sticky as she croaks out a reply: "Please repeat that Commander."
A crackle of static blares at her for two seconds that felt like eternity: the awful purgatory before confirmation. Eventually Commander Dameron's voice comes through with "I'm sorry General. There's been a direct hit to the last transport pod to the Ninka before it could leave the ground. I can't reach Admiral Holdo."
Nausea rushes from Leia's stomach and seizes her at the back of her throat. "Any survivors Dameron?" She knows the answer. Her ever-present connection to the Force is pulling at her mind, creating awareness of the lives that had just been extinguished on the opposite side of the Resistance base midway through their evacuation, yet she doesn't want to indulge in her powers - her mind is caught on Amilyn Holdo as it was when they first met. Her spark was comparable to none, and it is alive in Leia's heart, the two pulsating in time - Leia cannot bear to think of it any other way.
"I haven't had much time to look yet General, but…" And in Poe's hesitation, Leia's eyes well up, tears springing through cracks that she thought she had filled in long ago. It will not do for their General to break now, in the midst of a First Order attack when she is still hunkered down underground and not safe in hypersafe is what she would usually tell herself, but her heart is yearning for Amilyn, aching at the thought of never seeing her again. "It was a direct hit. I'm sorry, Leia."
The Commander's use of her first name pushes Leia into action. He would not be so personal unless his news was devastating. "Carry on with protocol," She barks the order to the crew of the Raddus around her, the authority dispelling the worried glances despite the rasp cloaking her voice and the beginnings of makeup streaks tinging her cheeks as black as the grave. "Defend our remaining transports and make sure we all get away safely." And then just to the Commander: "How many of them are left?"
A crackle, and then, "Not many; we're wearing them down. We should be able to get out without many more casualties."
Leia nods despite Dameron's inability to see her. Already on her feet, she rushes through the Resistance base, cutting a path through the red flashing warning lights and around sharp steel corners. Her journey starts as a jog, but with each shallow breath her pace increases until she's flat out running by time she gets to the empty hangar where a skeleton crew from the Ninka had arrived only twelve hours earlier.
The tears flow freely now, not that Leia was aware of anything but how much distance between her and Amilyn; the constant who had been by her side since they were sixteen. Amilyn wasn't even supposed to be in the base for more than a day, just enough time for the Ninka to stock on supplies and for another embrace between its Admiral and its General - they had been spread far and thin since the rise of the First Order. If Leia holds onto the memory for long enough, she can feel the tendrils of warmth that comes with Amilyn's long arms.
As the sharp beat of Leia's boots echo around the hanger, all she can think about is Amilyn and her smiles, how her body fits around hers in every way, how Leia's skin comes alive with every touch-
"Amilyn!" Leia screeches to a halt at the entrance of the open hangar, unsure which of the three crashed and flaming pods in front of her was the one which failed to protect one of the most precious pieces of her heart. Her small sob is lost in the cacophony of war, another anguished voice dismissed in the favour of blaster fire and explosion of suffering. In the matters of life and death, the world does not bow to Leia Organa, no matter her titles and intimate experience with sorrow.
The Force does bend to her unconscious will however, and her cherished connection with Amilyn was amplified to the degree where the wisps of the other woman's life suddenly appeared in Leia's mind, a compass to her love. Leia does not remember to actively dodge the fire and debris raining down around her, does not even realise Commander Dameron in his X-Wing sailing past her to destroy the First Order pilot that had dared to threaten the life of General Organa. She just remembers being sixteen years old and Amilyn Holdo grinning loopily at her from skyfaring scarves, remembers being thirty-two and curled up in bed next to her while the couple talked their cares away, remembers the day previously when their private reunion kiss had more than enough electricity to power the Resistance for years. Only her vivacious need and adrenaline keeps her on her feet for long enough to reach Holdo.
"Amilyn, Amilyn…" Leia repeats as she scrabbles to her knees behind a mutilated piece of metal. Amilyn Holdo lies on the ground, her blood saturating the dirt surrounding her. Pulling her upwards into an embrace, Leia threads her hands through Amilyn's lilac hair and plants a kiss on her forehead. "I'm here Amilyn, you're going to be okay." Leia's heart is too heavy to be weighed down with another death.
Amilyn coughs, her frail body struggling with such a jolting motion. "Leia." She gurgles, crimson blood spilling out of her mouth unbidden; it is the brightest part of her now. Her usual coloured dress is torn, ripped apart by the large piece of steel protruding from her stomach and from the shrapnel trapped in her skin. Leia's hands come away from Amilyn's limp hair to support her shoulders and back. "Don't worry about me."
"What?" Leia barely comprehends Amilyn's words. How can she not worry over her, her strange and wonderful star whose time is running out? "No, Amilyn, I love you, I…" Leia trails off as she runs out of words, hoping that her love is flowing out of her and into Amilyn, hoping that it is enough to keep her alive. Sorrow falls down Leia's cheeks and settles in Amilyn's lap, too.
"I've had the time of my life." Amilyn tries to move her arm upwards, tries to cup Leia's face one last time, but isn't able to manage it after the damage she has sustained. "I love you always."
Leia's breaths come fast and heavy now, compensating for the panic and despair that have made their homes in her lungs. "You can't die, Amilyn, not now." Out of the pair of them, Leia always imagined that she would die first. It feels as though she had cheated death too many times, from the Death Star to the assassination attempts in the New Republic to the last time the First Order attacked. With Amilyn struggling to breathe in her arms, she gladly forgets the responsibilities she had taken upon herself to hold and is more than willing to trade her life for Amilyn's, if only to hear her giggle, see her truly come alive again. Amilyn's death was something she had never planned for, and now that it is facing her she is sure that even if she had, she never would have been prepared. With every slowing beat of Amilyn's heart, Leia feels the life drain out of her own self too.
Leia holds Amilyn on the edge of the battlefield, both of them unaware of the violence around them, instead focusing on the expressions of love and apologies Leia croons in Amilyn's ear, her cheek resting on the front of Amilyn's head. Eventually Amilyn's labouring breaths cease and her glazed eyes flutter closed one last time.
"No," Leia realises as she lays Amilyn down on the ground, her tiara circling her like a halo making Amilyn look like the angel she truly was, "No, no, Amilyn please!" Her tears fall onto Amilyn's gaunt cheeks as she lays over her body, her forehead pressed to Amilyn's and their hands intertwined. Neither her sobs nor her begs restarts Amilyn's breathing, however. Feeling the crushing weight of her loss heavy in her limbs, Leia doesn't hold back her cries as the warmth of Amilyn's body remains unaccompanied by the usual warmth of her presence in the Force. She will not have time to grieve later; her charges are already looking for her now, but all of these usual thoughts are far from Leia as she doesn't stop herself from grieving for Amilyn the way she usually would. Another loss of someone so dear to her is another scar in her heart that will never heal, and this time she is witnessing too much to simply compartmentalise.
Time swirls around her like the blood in the air until Leia's immediate senses return and she finally tunes back in to the world outside of the bubble of desolation. "General, this is Commander Dameron, please come in." Her earpiece activates, connecting her to her Resistance once again.
Leia swallows thickly before she replies, "Status report Commander." The strategic cogs in her mind begin turning again, years of leading under war having prepared her for such grief with so many lives relying on her.
"Every First Order ship has been destroyed and almost all of our fleet is evacuated and in hyperspace on their way to their appointed destinations. We're just waiting on you General." His voice, usually light with victory and adrenaline after a fight, is more weary, as if he is just realising the toll the war is taking. Leia vaguely wonders if he had heard her pleading to Amilyn to stay alive. "Lieutenant Connix is on her way to you; there will be a transport pod ready and waiting for you in four minutes."
"Thank you Commander. We will carry on as planned." Leia's lines feel rehearsed, as if she has said them so many times they are robotic instead of inspiring.
There is another hesitation on Commander Dameron's part before his reply and Leia knows that he has heard at least some of her cries. "Of course General."
Four minutes isn't enough for Leia to put her heart back together, but it is enough for her to pack it up and fix her tear stains. The Resistance needs their General, and she needs her most trusted Vice Admiral. But she is a soldier in this war too, and she will do exactly as she has done before: soldier on with another part of her gone. She did it with Alderaan, she did it with Luke and Han, she can do it with Amilyn too. She has to, for the good of the galaxy.