Author's note:
Hello, dear readers and welcome!
Today – 23rd February 2018 – marks 5 years for me since I published my very first story 'Bathtub Confession' on this site and actually my first fanfiction ever. I realized this fact in the autumn 2017 and thought that it would be nice to celebrate it with some nice one shot. Because there's never enough TIVA fics, right?
Throughout those 5 years, I have virtually met many wonderful people and have gained a handful of fantastic friends. True, some people come and some people leave, but I am grateful for every single one of them. They gave me a lesson and helped to shape me into a person I am now.
This story is then dedicated to ALL OF YOU – who read, stop by, review, follow, favourite, even those leaving a negative comment – it all helps me to improve not just as an author, but also as a person.
And what this one shot is about? Well, I had a lot of ideas but I was rewatching 'The Mentalist' at that time with my surrogate sister Athina and the episode 3x21 'Like a Redheaded Stepchild' with the heartbreaking scene between Grace Van Pelt and Wayne Rigsby inspired me so much that I started writing this piece. Other two inspirations are – Patrick Jane and Teresa Lisbon (Jisbon) from 'The Mentalist', specifically two episodes 6x20 'Il Tavolo Bianco'and 6x22 'Blue Bird', and Harmon Rabb Jr. and Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie from 'JAG', specifically episode 6x22 'Lifeline'. As it seems, many couples from CBS shows have the tendency of women being engaged to someone else, yet loving their 'will-they-won't-they' counterpart and eventually kissing them to reveal their feelings.
If I can recommend a musical accompaniment, then I shall refer you on Youtube and type in 'Sherlock – I am Sherlocked (Irene Adler's theme) – Extended Version - Season 2 Soundtrack' – the first option should take you to the song I was listening to while writing this. Put it on the loop and enjoy!
Thanks a lot to everyone and I hope you'll enjoy reading!
Disclaimer:
I do not own NCIS or its characters.
There's Still Time to Change Your Mind
AU Season 9. Ziva is going to marry Ray Cruz in a month. Tony is trying to find a way to tell her that he can't attend the wedding without stating the reasons but is failing miserably. Will one unexpected night visit from Ziva uncover more than he originally intends? Will it change their lives forever? Read to find out!
"Bond... James Bond."
The smooth voice of Sean Connery in 'Dr. No' floated through the apartment, but Tony barely registered it. He had other things on his mind that weighed him down. Not even one of his favourite movies could beat through the haze that enveloped him. Not even the great Scotch poured in the whiskey glass could do so. All over again, he could just hear the other voices inside his head. The voices that belonged to his friends.
"You've got to tell her, Tony. You can't just not to come there and think she'll forgive you."
"We all understand why you don't want to come. But you must tell Ziva. She'll be mad if you don't show up without any explanation."
"As a decent man, Anthony, you should inform her about your absence at her wedding."
"We're going to miss you there, Tony. Does Ziva know you're not coming?"
"I'm not going to tell you what to do, you know that very well. Don't make to headslap you, DiNozzo. Man up and tell her."
But how? How could he tell Ziva that he couldn't come to her wedding when he didn't have anything to prove that he had something else to do? Something way more important to take care of? There was no excuse in the world that could justify his absence during the greatest day of her life. And he couldn't tell her the real truth because the real truth was prohibited to be said aloud.
He'd tried to tell her that he couldn't come. He'd tried so many times for this past week but whenever she had raised her beautiful eyes at him, he'd lost all his words. He couldn't believe that she was about to marry Ray Cruz in a month. He couldn't believe that he was forced to witness how she was marrying another man. He couldn't believe his own cowardice because he'd never told her how he felt about her.
It was way too late now. She wanted the CIA agent, she had agreed to marry him and her confidence in her love for him had never wavered. Tony had simply lost, although she had no idea about it. Cheerfully, she had planned the wedding, invited all of them and complained to them when her father had declared that he had zero intention to show up as he could hardly agree with such a marriage.
Tony chuckled quietly. What an irony. He was about to join the same ranks as Eli David, not attending the wedding because he simply couldn't watch it. But since he had problems to express this information, it seemed that he was about to sink even lower and become a chickenshit. Because the only way out was to lock himself up in the apartment on the fateful day and without telling anyone just to stay there and never show up.
He took the glass of Scotch and raised it to his lips, taking a sip. He sighed as the alcohol burnt down his throat, spreading through his veins. He wasn't drunk and he wasn't about to get drunk. It only helped him to think clearly. He then shook his head violently at his own thoughts. He couldn't possibly think about double-crossing Ziva that way and not appear at the wedding. She deserved better treatment, especially after all the series of betrayals in her life.
Raking his hair, he finally registered the loud knocking on his door that was about to change to banging in the following seconds. He furrowed his eyebrows in contemplation as he didn't expect anyone to come and one quick look at his phone told him that he wasn't sought for work. With a sigh, he put the glass down and stood up from his couch, dawdling towards the entrance door.
"I'm coming, no need to fuss..." He muttered under his breath, not really in a mood to talk to anyone but he couldn't play he wasn't at home, either.
He opened the door somewhat swiftly that he had originally intended but he wanted to show that the person behind the door was unwelcomed. His demeanour changed, though, when he saw who was standing there. "Ziva?" He wondered in puzzlement.
But there she stood on the corridor of his apartment building. She'd apparently been ready to go to bed a couple of minutes earlier because her hair was freshly combed, loosely hanging around her head, her make-up was gone and it seemed that she had taken her clothes on in a haste. Not that he minded her appearance, she was beautiful to him in any kind of state. Love did that to people.
"Hey." She greeted him, quickly scanning the apartment behind him, wondering why he hadn't been answering his door for so long. She'd been about to give up, go home and try to talk to him some other day. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything. Can I come in?"
He stared at her, still completely dumbfounded because of the rare sight in front of his eyes. It wasn't like she hadn't ever come to him to talk but it hadn't been regular, either. They had usually met up at her place or at the bar, cinema, restaurant... For the life of him, he couldn't understand what she was doing here. He didn't see any chance in it, though, to tell her what was bothering him.
"No." He replied and then paused in surprise at his own words, because he noticed how wrong it had sounded. Not expecting a similar answer, either, she furrowed her eyebrows. "I mean no, you're not interrupting anything. And yes, you can come in."
She thanked him with a nod and entered the apartment as he stepped aside to give her the space to do so. Her X-ray vision was activated again and she immediately spotted the bottle of Scotch on the table, just as the half-empty glass. She bit her lip to prevent herself from making a snide remark, because she really didn't want to meddle into his personal matters.
"I'm not drunk." He assured her because he could see where her gaze had landed. "Nor do I have intention to do so."
She was fixated on the bottle for a couple of more seconds and then she tore away her gaze. "It's not any of my business. I didn't come here to talk to you about your potential alcohol problems." She shrugged with her shoulders, turning around so she could face him.
"Why did you come then?" He prompted her to tell him the reason of her mysterious and evidently unintended visit.
"Is there something you want to tell me?" She cut the chase and struck. Her voice wasn't demanding, more like concerned. "Lately, you address me but you never say anything. I've also noticed that you open your mouth quite often when you're looking at me as if you want to speak to me but no words come out."
He stood there, dumbstruck in awe over her observation skills. He thought and hoped that she hadn't noted his attempts to tell her about his decision to skip her wedding. Apparently, she had noticed and it had awakened curiosity in her if she had decided to visit him in his apartment. His tongue had gone numb, as always for the past few weeks, though, so he remained silent and just blinked a couple of times to sign that he was still alive.
"And it bothers me, you know? Because..." She threw her hands in the air, stopping herself because she couldn't tell how much she actually cared about him, because that wasn't the intention of her visit. She just genuinely wondered what he had intended to reveal. "You know you can tell me anything, Tony. You don't have to feel scared or embarrassed. Just tell me."
The fact she cared about him so profoundly made him to swell with pride so much that he started to muster the courage to do what she had asked. However, fear kept tangling his tongue. He wasn't afraid to tell her because she would be mad at him. He could live with that and even try to fix that. He was frightened to death that she would ask the reason why.
But he figured that he didn't have much chance but to speak out. She'd gone here in the middle of the night because she couldn't stand anymore his blatant hesitation. That meant that she wasn't about to give up in convincing him to confide to her. And if she gave up, she would be so angry with him that he had no chances to make peace with her under any circumstances. She had excellently cornered him.
He took a deep breath to calm his erratically beating heart and then slowly exhaled. "Yes, there's actually one thing I want to talk to you about." He blurted out as fast as he could so he would have it behind him. "I can't come to your wedding."
It was her turn now to look aghast as her facial features froze in shock because she hadn't expected such a blow. Neither had she expected the pain this information would cause to her. Her heart had been literally pierced through by an invisible knife, filling her up with a feeling of indescribable betrayal. If he had anticipated similar reaction from her, she now didn't wonder that he had been hesitating so much.
"Why?" She asked him relatively calmly, given by the fact how awestruck she was. "You knew in advance when the wedding is so you could adjust all your personal plans. And I'm sure it's nothing work-related because I would know about it."
He remained silent as his greatest fear had become a reality and he had no idea how to handle it. In the meantime, she had worked up enough to let the betrayal be replaced by provisionally controlled rage. She still maintained her coolness, though, trying to come up with other reasons by herself when he was refusing to elaborate. She was determined to beat the reason out of him whatever it cost.
"Is it about your father? Does he have some health problems, some surgery or something? Because that's the only compelling reason I can think about." She guessed, her arms tightly wrapped around her for protection. "Although he hasn't informed that he isn't coming."
Tony raised his hand to make her stop talking and making assumptions. "No it's not about my father." He rejected that idea, having no intention to pull Senior into this. "He's still coming. I'm not."
"Why?" She demanded, her anger finally getting better of her, the tone of her voice as curt as it could be. She couldn't comprehend what in the world could exist to make Tony to choose it over her wedding day.
He gulped, his eyes roving around the room to find some decoy. He didn't have any intention to dig deeper into the reasons of his absence at her wedding. It would destroy her whole world, his whole world and he couldn't deal with it. Not right now. He would rather live with her eternal anger looming over his head than to make her ideal world to crumble. He couldn't tell her the reason.
"You don't want to know." He peeped, his eyes looking everywhere but at her. He was too afraid that his gaze would reveal his feelings.
She blinked once, then twice, trying to absorb what lame excuse he had just used. "Coward. You're not even able to look into my eyes." She spat angrily with disdain, feeling hurt and betrayed. "Maybe you are right. Maybe I really do not want to know."
For an eternal second she kept standing there, looking him up and down with disgust. He didn't make any move to apologize. He remained staring at the floor, his slumped shoulders revealing more than enough how guilty he felt. In a sense, she was right. He was a coward, but it was too late. He should have let her know about his feelings for her sooner. But he hadn't and he was paying a great price for it.
She snorted and turned on her heel, heading to the door to leave his apartment and most likely even his life. At least as far as their friendship was concerned. When she touched the doorknob, though, she felt a desperate urge to let her anger out, to unleash it and tell him what she was thinking about his pitiful behaviour. She wanted him to know how much he had hurt her. Not only her own father had ruled off his presence at her wedding, but now even her best male friend. And she had enough.
"You know what? After all those years we've known each other, after everything we've been through together... I thought we were friends." She turned around to speak up her mind, releasing the doorknob. "Hell, even more than friends! I trust you with my life, that is counted as more than friendship."
He closed his eyes and tried not to break down. She had no idea that the word 'friends' worked as an imaginary knife, piercing through Tony's heart and cutting it into pieces. On one hand, it pleased him that she had seen them this way. On the other, he'd yearned for so much more, more than what she had described. But it just wasn't meant to be and he tried his best to live with that fact.
"I could understand why you were missing during my citizenship ceremony and I forgave you for that a long time ago." She confessed with painful look on her face that he could caught by the corner of his eye. "But this one? It really hurts, you know."
She meant her words. He was really important person to her. A person she genuinely wanted and needed to be there. Her father could be easily replaced by Gibbs. The empty spaces of her brother and sister were filled with McGee and Abby. But Tony, he was... Her relationship with him was far from simple. She knew, though, that without him, without his tenacious and undying belief in her, she would have never been in the place she had been now. Only he could save her from herself and her fears.
Tony gulped down the lump in his throat that had formed there as the anxious feeling had penetrated every single nerve in his body. He cleared his throat so his voice would be stable, albeit shaky and timid. "I'm sorry." He whispered simply, opening his eyes. He had nothing else to say because he knew that there wasn't anything in the world that could appease her wrath. She was rightfully pissed at him.
"If you were truly sorry, you'd stop acting like a coward and you'd tell me the truth." She lashed out on him, folding her arms across her heaving chest sternly. She wasn't going to let him off the hook so easily. She didn't care that he had claimed that she didn't want to know. She did want to know, she needed to know.
She watched as his chest heaved in an effort to breathe evenly. There was some inner war going on inside him and it made her feel certain that there was something serious he kept from her. He pinched the bridge of his nose thoughtfully, pondering his options but since he had finally said out loud the main problem, he could uncover another part, as well.
He sighed deeply and turned to face her. "I can't watch you marry him." He stated, his hands clenched into fists as he tried to keep it all together.
She frowned in response and then her heart started to beat erratically. For a fleeting moment, an insanely short one, something inside of her that had been locked up a long time ago, escaped. A thread of hope that he would ever maturely returned her feelings for him. But then she immediately dismissed it and forced the feelings back into their cage deep inside her heart.
No, there must have been a different explanation. They were just friends as she had hammered inside her head so many times before. He was a playboy with charming smile and personality, absolutely incapable of real commitment and she had had to give up any hope for something deeper with him. They could have a nice roll in hay but that was it. 'Friend mode' was the right direction she had decided to work on, otherwise her heart would be doomed.
Naturally, she came to the conclusion that the reason for all of this was the mutual grudge he and her fiancé held against each other. She had never really understood the animosity between them because knowing them both, she had expected them to get along. She guessed that maybe it was the Tony's natural instinct to be mistrustful towards anyone outside NCIS (save for minor exceptions), and especially when it came to CIA (Trent Kort did play a part).
"Look, I came to terms that you and Ray will never be friends. You don't like him and he doesn't like you. I don't understand why but I accepted it." She told him resolutely, her eyes pleading him to understand that she wanted him to be part of her big day.
"Can't you do the same, then, despite not agreeing with my choice of a man and accept the invitation and come to the wedding because I actually want you to be there?" She pleaded him even verbally, having a déjà-vu-like feeling because she had said literally the same sentence to her father, only in Hebrew.
He unclenched his fists and clenched them back again, trying to get himself under control. Whether it was about unleashing anger or nervous breakdown, he didn't know and he didn't care. He just felt a strong urge to convince her that he meant no disrespect to her decisions. It was actually quite the contrary – out of respect to her, he wanted to spare her his potential embarrassing behaviour at the wedding, especially if the alcohol was involved.
"It's not about Ray. At least not in this regard." He rushed to explain and her eyebrows furrowed again. He had to bit his lip to prevent himself from telling her how adorable she looked whenever she looked so confused and pensive. "Yes, I don't like him and yes, I don't think he's the right man for you."
He had hopes in the past that she would realize how wrong the man was for her. And it wasn't about his character or personality, he bet that Ray Cruz certainly was a charming man (how else he had managed to convince Ziva to get engaged to him, after all). His line of work, though, was something about which Tony for sure knew that Ziva wished for the least. It was a thorn in her eye for a while now.
Nevertheless, she had believed his promise to give up his field work and focus more on doing something safe and stay mostly in the United States. However, there were still secrets he had to keep from her, secrets that might torn her heart apart if she wasn't careful enough. After all, she hated when someone kept things away from her and her presence here, in this very moment, was more than proving. That was why Tony knew that Ray was wrong for her.
"But," he emphasized in surprisingly firm tone, "if he's the man you love and you chose to spend the rest of your life with, I respect that. And I wish you only the best because you deserve to be happy."
One look into his eyes and she didn't have any reasons to doubt his sincerity. He was still hiding something from her, though. It wasn't just the haunted look he was giving her, it was also about the way he bit his lips nervously in attempts to stop himself from talking further. There was something more behind the walls of his defence and she found herself unable to resist breaking through it.
"Then why?" She kept insisting, dismantling the imaginary wall brick by brick. His resilience was faltering, she could see that. "Is it really so hard to get over it so you could be there for me and provide me the support I need?"
She didn't mean to let any tears fall but when they started to prickle in the corners of her eyes, she automatically blinked and they found their way out. He must have seen them because the anguished face he made afterwards frightened her. She wasn't sure what was happening inside him but it had to be tearing him all up inside, eating his soul and his heart. She would never expect such a haggard face from him just because she was being overly emotional.
A doubt rose within her whether it had been a good idea to show up here and inquire him. She had never meant to cause such a painful reaction from him. She didn't actually understand herself why it was so important for her that he would be there, next to her on her wedding day. She just felt that without him, she would never make it. A simple touch, a meaningless smile from him and she knew she could do anything.
He couldn't stand the gap between them any longer. If she was going to risk that his heart would be poured out, then he couldn't allow any distance, although it was negligible. If he was supposed to tell her everything about his reasons and his feelings, he would do it the way he had always imagined. In close proximity so she could see his eyes clearly, to feel his heart beating and his body trembling.
A few strides were all he needed to cross the room and stand right in front of her. She was momentarily intoxicated by his nearness, lifting her head up to look into his devastated eyes. A surge or electricity ran through her when he grabbed her shoulders gently to be sure that she couldn't run away from him, although her desire was to stay there, in his arms.
She broke the eye contact to incarcerate the thread of hope for once more. She was successful but she couldn't silence it entirely. It kept rattling with the bars, screaming at her to give the hope a chance because he might be about to say what she had longed to hear for ages. The screams were thumping in her ears but, as always, she managed to ignore it. After all, she had had years of practice.
"Trust me, if I could I would get over it and I would be there for you." He rasped huskily and she turned her eyes back to him, widening them at the brutal honesty in his that were stripped off any cover. "I'd gladly and with honour be the support you need."
Nothing would make him so elated than to see her happy and content with her life. He wished he could be the main source of her happiness but she loved someone else. And he was happy for her, nevertheless. His heart was so torn, however, that seeing her coming down the aisle and marrying that man would mean a fatal blow. He could live with the fact that she was married to someone else, but he couldn't witness the ceremony with his own eyes. It would be unbearable.
"And I'm sorry it's impossible because... My heart..." Words left him at that moment, his throat way too constricted as he was overwhelmed by a sudden wave of tears in his eyes. A tear escaped from the corner of her eye, too, but he caught it with his thumb, wiping it away. To his surprise, she leaned into his touch and buried her face into his palm.
He used his hand on her cheek to lift her gaze back to his. He licked his lips and gulped down the lump in his throat. "I can't watch you marry another man." He croaked, the words liberating him from another burden, easing off the tension inside him and letting the tears to find their way through his self-control. "Please, don't make me to."
Her heart was beating so fast that she couldn't keep her breathing up with it. Everything of her feelings for him she had locked up so long ago and that had managed to escape for a mere second tonight, was out and free. The walls of the prison were suddenly so thin and she stopped ignoring the inner voice of her heart that whispered to her to give in whatever she felt for this man in front of her.
"Why?" She breathed out her unimportant question because she knew the answer beforehand. It was all written in his face, in his eyes, in the delicacy of his behaviour towards her, in the fondness of his touch.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He kept his mouth shut until now because he didn't want to destroy her ideal world she had been living in, but she wasn't giving him any other choice at the moment but to reveal the whole, for him painful, truth. Actually, he would tell her under one circumstance – she would give him her approval to voice his feelings aloud. Because he couldn't take it back once it was out. Ever.
He cradled her face and held her gaze for a couple of eternal seconds in silence. "Because I'm in love with you." He confessed shakily, his heart doing flip flops inside his chest.
He didn't wait for her reaction or for an answer. He didn't expect any, after all. He only wanted to prove the truthfulness of his claim and so he bent down and pressed his lips on hers, pouring all of his love through the kiss. He could hear that she gasped in shock but he ignored it. If she considered it repulsive, she would immediately pull away and slap him. But she didn't and that gave him hope.
He meant to just kiss her chastely, to prove his point and so once he lingered for a few seconds, he pulled back. She inhaled tremulously and reached out her hand towards his face at once, following the trail of his pull-back to attach herself back to him. He yielded to her silent demand, despite being taken aback by it, and parted his lips to her and she took a full advantage.
Her arms sneaked around his neck and with each move of her mouth, she was kissing him more passionately. He did his best to memorize her flavour because she'd tasted the same but also entirely different than the last time they had kissed years ago. She was sweet as the finest chocolate in the world and the best one he'd ever eaten. There was a hint of forest fruit somewhere and he knew he would remember it until the end of his life.
He dared to put his arms on her sides and she moaned in response, both from the excitement and gratefulness because her knees seemed to be betraying her. He would do anything to make this moment last forever because it was the only moment he could be completely sure that she was his. A couple of fleeting minutes but he could live from them for eternity.
She hadn't had any intention to launch herself at him like that but the moment his lips had touched hers, her feelings for him had won the rebellion against her common sense and she'd given in as they had dictated. Something inside her exploded and the soldiers of the 'Tony Army' began to spread all over her body, progressively vanquishing any other kind of feeling in every fibre of her being.
Her heart was seized in an instant and rebuilt to the base of the army as she fearlessly inspected the farthest corners of his mouth, not letting him go for even an inch. She wanted him and all of him, she wanted all he could give her. It wasn't purely sexual need, no. It was a basic need of existence, natural desire for love and to be loved, to find a soul mate.
Her common sense didn't give up easily, though. It had been shortly overpowered but it kicked back in when the kiss was ceased due to the lack of oxygen in their lungs. Maybe, just maybe, if he let her to look into his eyes, to see the genuine, profound love there, her brain would stop with the reproachful thoughts that she had just kissed a man she wasn't engaged to.
But he kept his eyes closed and leaned his forehead against hers, so she could only inhale the fresh air shakily, letting her nostrils to be invaded by his intoxicating manly smell. She desired so much to kiss him again, to throw the caution into the wind, to send everything to hell so she could be with him. Her brain reasoned with her, though, that it was all just a stupid moment of weakness and the rebellion would be squashed again and the equilibrium would be established before long.
When he didn't receive any reaction, if he didn't count the fact that she had kissed him but he considered it as traces of the attraction they had always shared together, he cleared his throat and took a deep breath. "I hope you now understand why I can't be there." He whispered tightening his arms around her while hers dropped around his waist in a desperate attempt to keep him closer to her. "My heart has been broken severely before and I wouldn't be able to handle it."
She sneaked her arms between them to put them on his chest, gasping when she felt his heart erratically beating against her palm. Not even for a second she doubted that he really loved her. And she berated herself for being blind and deaf to all the signs and hints that suddenly emerged in her memories. If she had known, she would have never accepted a marriage offer from another man.
Regretfully, he put his hands on her head, unable to resist weaving his fingers through her gorgeous hair. "You go and have a good day." He told her and planted a loving kiss on her forehead. "Live your good life with a man you chose and love."
He didn't want to let go of her but for the sake of his sanity, he needed to end this moment he wished to last forever. He made a step backwards and looked at her, watching as she weakly stretched out her hands as if she begged him to come back to her. She still wasn't saying anything, she just kept staring at him with the most awestruck and unreadable face he'd ever seen.
And that was probably good. He didn't need to hear her opinion that could include reproaches, anger and more questioning. He had just done what she had pushed him to do. He had told her the right reason of his absence at her wedding and so they could now move on from there. His confession, which he was glad he had done eventually because that feeling was liberating, wouldn't change anything on the fact that she loved Ray and was about to marry him. People didn't change their feelings so abruptly, that was happening only in movies, books and TV shows. So definitely not his case.
"I just have to step back and deal with myself." He announced, wondering where all the strength was coming from to say such things. Her shoulders slumped and she focused her plaintive eyes on him sadly, so he rushed to assure her. "Don't worry about me, I'm gonna be fine. We're gonna be fine."
She shook her head because she realized what he was trying to tell her. To forget about all of this, keep the lid on this so it would stay just between the two of them. But even they would refuse to acknowledge that this moment had ever happened. Her curiosity was satisfied, she was now supposed be familiar with his reasons of his absence on her wedding and that was it.
But no, she couldn't do that. What had been done couldn't be reversed and it had already had some consequences. She couldn't believe that he was giving up, that he wasn't trying to change her mind. He simply accepted his defeat without any fight because he thought he'd already lost the battle. But if she was supposed to be honest with herself, she hadn't ever given him much hope.
The moment she opened her mouth to say something, her common sense attacked her with doubts. Was she really willing to risk everything just because a man she'd been in love with for years had finally confessed that he requited her feelings? Was she really fearless enough to throw away everything she had with Ray, the security he provided and the sense of stability, and exchange it for something that was a great unknown?
The doubts started to suffocate her. They created an unbearable tension inside her chest and she struggled for breath. The ongoing war between her heart and her mind awakened the basic instincts in her and one of them was to run. Run for her life, run away from everything, just run and run and run, until there wouldn't be a single molecule of oxygen inside her body and she would fall down on the ground, exhausted.
She could ignore many things but she couldn't ignore her basic instincts she had always relied on. And so she turned on her heel and hurried out of the apartment, not looking back and letting him stand there. It happened all so fast that he didn't have a chance to react, so he just helplessly stared at the opened door of his apartment and listened to her receding steps.
Eventually, he moved and went to sit down back on the couch, pouring a fresh shot of whisky. His knees started to shake and he had to take a couple of deep breaths to pull himself back together. Apart from the ending, it had gone smoother than he had anticipated. After all, he hadn't intended to pour his heart out and considering the way he had done it, he could consider the result as acceptable. A long time ago he had come to terms with the fact that it wouldn't change a single thing. She had made her choice.
Ziva didn't look around, she just ran and let her legs to instinctively carry her wherever they wanted. She ran down the stairs and shoved forcefully the entrance door of the apartment building to get outside. There, on the street, she finally stopped and her lungs accepted the fresh air with pleasure. For a couple of moments she just breathed heavily, trying to disperse the black haze around her.
As she was calming down, she realized what she had actually done. She had cowardly run away from him like a little scared girl and never responded verbally to what he had said. It must have taken a great deal of courage and she had taken it and thrown it into a bin like if it was nothing. Another wave of anxiety washed over her and she caught her neck as the chilling cold of dread settled there.
What sort of person she even was? How could she decide that she wasn't willing to take the risk when he had risked everything? Why she could question his liability when he provided her with the same security and stability as Ray? After all, she had questioned him about his reasons for not wanting to come to her wedding exactly for those reasons. She needed him to be there because she needed his support.
And how she even dared to flee like that without telling him anything? She had decided their fates for both of them and hadn't given him any chance to have a word. She felt horrible, especially because deep down she knew she loved him and only him. And now, he would never know because she hadn't worked up enough courage to tell him that. She hadn't given them a chance to fight for their love.
She liked Ray but it wasn't true love. And until Tony would be still there, alive and breathing, it would never be. Even if she took those feelings again and build new prison within her heart, locking them up, it would never be the same. She had let those feelings out once and acted on them which was difficult to forget. The prison walls would never be thick enough again and the inner voice would be impossible to mishear.
She felt something hot cooling on her face and realized that streams of drying tears wetted her face. She had been crying without even noticing it the whole time. She lifted her hands to her face and wiped it all out, despite new hot tears forming in her eyes. Taking a couple of deep breaths, she started to calm down, although her heart kept beating in energetic, strong contractions.
Putting her hand over the vital organ inside her chest, she knew that it had nothing to do with her running out of the apartment. Those sounds she could feel under her palm had only one cause – love. Profound, intense and genuine love that could conquer all. And it wasn't her fiancé whom her heart was craving for. It was the man she'd just left upstairs, sad and broken.
Her gaze turned upwards to his window and she couldn't help but to assume that he was thinking only the worst about her at that moment. Then a crucial realization dawned on her – there was still time to change her mind. She hadn't been married yet, she still could change her decision and do what she desired. Her brain could go to hell with its reasoning. If there was even the smallest chance for something real with Tony, she should damn take it.
And so, despite her common sense dissuading her from doing it, she turned around and walked the stairs back up to the floor where Tony's apartment was. On the way up, she was mulling over how to make him to let her talk to him because she guessed that it was the last thing he actually wanted to do. And she couldn't blame him. She was hell-bent on not giving up, though.
Her task was facilitated in an instant because when she reached his apartment, she found the door opened just as she had left it during her speedy exit. He hadn't apparently bothered to close it. She gently pushed it further to widen the crack so she could slip inside the apartment again, trying to be as silent as she could. She didn't want to startle him so she was being careful.
She could see his crestfallen form sitting on the couch while the Bond movie kept playing on the screen in front of him but he paid no attention to it. His head was in his hands, bowed in sadness towards the floor. Mentally, she compared the amount of the alcoholic liquid in the bottle and saw that he'd drunk at least one glass since she'd left a couple of minutes ago.
Closing the door, she leaned against it for a support for a moment, sighing deeply. His eyes opened and his breathing quickened when he realized that it'd been her. He still hadn't moved, though, feverishly thinking what her return could mean. He didn't want to get his hopes up but he didn't want to give up on his hopes, either. So he just waited for her to do whatever step she wanted and then he would work up an appropriate reaction.
She unglued from the door and went over to the couch, sitting to the opposite corner. He lifted his head and forced himself to fix his eyes on the TV screen in fear of what she might say to him. However, she remained silent, temporarily mimicking his previous position as she buried her fingers into her hair, looking down on the floor before settling for a pensive pose with her hands clasped in front of her mouth, supporting her arms on her elbows against her thighs.
Silence followed, aside the movie in the background, as they just sat next to each other motionlessly. Ziva couldn't find the right words to say because she was overpowered by thoughts she could barely sort out. Whenever she opened her mouth to voice one of them, a different one ran across her tongue and so she rather gave up. Tony, who had said way too much than his intention had been, simply said nothing.
He reached for the bottle and poured the Scotch into the glass, watching with certain fondness as the liquid filled the empty space inside. Instead of taking a sip on his own, though, he shoved the glass aside and sent it right in front of her. She stared at the caramel colour of the spirit for a moment and then she shook her head dismissively. "I don't want to drink. I need my head clear." She rejected his offer softly to show him that she had appreciated it, nevertheless.
He kept staring in front of him, not even for once glancing at her. "It helps." He stated simply, not expanding his explanation. She had drunk enough in her life to know that alcohol loosened the tongue and inhibitions and if she felt too attacked by her own thoughts, this should help her to free herself of some of the self-control. There was no need for him to remind her that.
She gave one simple nod to his reply to acknowledge the truth and reached for the glass on the table, balancing it between her fingers. She knocked it back, slamming the glass against the table. A gasp escaped her lips as the warm, bitter taste scorched her throat and spread more heat into her body. He was definitely right, this helped actually a lot, more than she had anticipated.
"Why didn't you tell me all of this before?" She fired the first question that her mind was able to process. She didn't specify 'before' because they both knew what it meant.
Tony gave out a sarcastic chuckle and rubbed his tired face. "I wish I knew the answer. It just never seemed that there was a right moment." He assessed thoughtfully, closing his eyes, missing her expressive face that told that she could think of at least dozen convenient opportunities. "I don't know what I expected, I just want it to be perfect, I guess. And then it was too late all of a sudden."
He knew and cursed himself that he had waited for so long to confess his feelings. Then she had started to date with Ray and all he wanted for her was to be happy. He wasn't one of those who would deliberately try to steal a woman from another man, he would rather stay in the corner and quietly suffer, while feeling pleased that the woman he secretly loved was content.
"Then you know... Rule 12 and all the 'we-work-together' stuff." He made a wiggling gesture with his hands to sign that dealing with this particular issue could do more harm than profit. The devotion to their work and especially to their boss could forever affect their relationship if they weren't careful enough.
"And, believe it or not, I was scared. I still am scared of my own feelings." He said timidly, opening up to her. He was completely dismantled, none of his previous self-restraint was remaining, after all. "It's terrifying."
She leaned her back and head against the backrest and looked up on the ceiling. She could understand his fear because she felt exactly the same. To love one person and having a huge affection to him/her was indeed terrifying. It created dependency on that person, addiction to that person, responsibility for both and desire that could be hardly quenched.
Their work issues were pushed back in her head for now because they were trivial in comparison of the greater picture. One day, they would have to sit down and talk about it, find the golden mean they would both agree with. She didn't underrate their importance, though. She was aware of them as the main barrier on their way to happiness and she would treat them as such in the future.
And if she focused more on his want to wait for the perfect moment... It just showed how much they were able to misunderstand each other. While he had been waiting, she had been dying to hear those three words. She had relied on him to take the initiative because her broken self had been unable to speak up. She'd been dropping hints, even during her relationship with Ray. It'd been to no avail, though.
"I was waiting for it." She whispered helplessly. It didn't sound like a complaint about his inactivity. More like a wish she'd never dared to voice aloud and suddenly realized what a huge mistake it had been. She was berating herself for her own idleness.
It was a whisper but to him it sounded like a bomb blast, a firing gun, a scream of a victim. He was momentarily overwhelmed as the shock had paralyzed him and frozen everything inside him. After a long minute, he released a breath and took a new, fresh one because he actually forgot how this basic natural need was important. For a second, he thought that he might have overheard but no, her words were real.
"Yo-you w-were?" He stammered incredulously, looking at her. He tried to fish in his memory for some signs that it had been expected of him but could find only subtle, vague hints. He'd always brushed those off, considering them as their usual banter. He wasn't a mind reader to know that she had anticipated something entirely different. His reluctance had also been given by their recent bust-up caused by Rivkin. He was simply careful and considerate.
She lifted her head and made an eye contact with him for the first time since she had returned from her little flight. "Yes!" She exclaimed frustrated. Again, she wasn't frustrated with him but with herself. She should have been more open with him, more forthright about her own feelings. She'd terribly misjudged him. She'd never guessed that his feelings for her were so chaste and profound.
He stared at her, absolutely taken aback by her confession. He didn't know what to make out of it, whether it was still topical and she still expected him to profess his love for her because it might change things, or if she rather preferred him to keep his mouth shut forever because her mind had been made up and she'd just informed him about him being too late. But there must have been a reason why she returned to his apartment, right?
"I-I had no idea... I-if I d-did, I w-would..." He started to ramble about how he would have done something if her signals had been clearer, but he'd been just cautious because their friendship was quite frail due to what had happened between them because of her boyfriend he had killed in self-defence and he hadn't wanted to lose her again.
She tried a couple of times to stop the flurry of words by saying his name repeatedly but he just kept babbling to excuse his hesitancy and apologize for his slow thinking and not reading her signals right while respecting her growing relationship with Ray. It was all he had, after all, because he didn't know what was coming next and he rightfully feared it. It'd been enough for him to watch her run away so he wanted to delay another rejection, another blow to his heart.
Frustrated by his inability to stop talking, she proceeded to a radical solution. She stood up from the couch and before he could even register it, she straddled his hips, landing in his lap. His puzzled look soon turned into a shocked one as she crashed her lips on his, kissing him deeply and effectively turning his rambles into mumbles, later substituted by moans in delight.
She held his face in her hands, seemingly trying to suck any words of doubts, excuses and heartache out of his brain. And he gave into it, having no idea whatsoever what was happening but when a woman like her just went and kissed him, he didn't question it and just went with the flow. His hands embraced her on their own volition and she pressed herself onto him even harder.
But as soon as she finally succeeded in silencing him, she tore away from him and looked into his face to find out whether he was ready listening to her. He blinked a couple of times to disperse the fog behind his eyelids. "Oh yeah... That, that can shut me up." He stuttered out dreamily because he realized that he'd been ranting and ignored her attempts to stop him.
She grinned at him and ran her the back of her fingers across his cheeks. "Good to know. I'll note it down for the future use." She said in a serious tone, yet so softly and the tenderness in her eyes made him wonder what was really going on here.
"Not sure if it's going to be to any good." He protested soberly, trying to curb his hands that apparently had a mind of their own, currently deliciously massaging her curvy waist and he knew he would never be able to forget that feeling. "I mean..."
"Tony!" She cut him off immediately and grasped his head to direct his gaze onto hers because she needed his full attention, just as he had had hers earlier. He obediently did as she commanded, inspecting the depths of her beautiful eyes he could stare into for centuries.
Jittery feeling spread across her body as she was preparing her next words to say aloud. Many times she'd dreamt of saying them, many times she'd rehearsed them in front of a mirror for no apparent reason because in the end, she'd dismissed them from her mind and her heart. But now, when the chances for something real, mature and binding were huge, she was ready to reward them with genuine existence by voicing them.
"I love you, too." She breathed out intelligibly, weaving her longing into the words to emphasize their truthfulness and importance.
She bent down and kissed him, urging his lips, frozen in astonishment, to move. And as the love confession kept absorbing inside his skin, infecting his brain and his heart, realizing that he wasn't dreaming or wasn't living some alcohol-induced fantasy, he complied and parted his lips. The first, intense touch of their mouths felt like a jolt of electricity, followed by lighting of unimaginable power.
There was no need for 'Tony Army' to strike again, her common sense had been already silenced and eventually gave up arguing with her heart. Harmony was the convenient state of the being and so concessions were necessary. Anything she felt for Ray was just sitting in the corner, waiting for the final verdict to be either incarcerated or discharged because no other option seemed to be in question.
She loved Tony and he would always be 'the one' for her, the Mr. Right she'd been dreaming about. Finding out that he felt the same way about her, that he didn't see her just as an object of attraction, was a feeling second to none. Just as knowing and feeling that he knew what such love entailed, the commitment, the personal sacrifice and the maturity. She was in blissful heaven.
Tony couldn't help but wonder if life actually could be like a movie, a book or a TV show. After all, some of those were based on the real events. Because if he understood this whole thing correctly, she'd just dumped her fiancé for him. Otherwise, she wouldn't be sitting in his lap, kissing him to death and proving her love for him in powerful moves of her delicious mouth.
And he would be lying if it didn't make him all giddy inside, feeling like a melted piece of marshmallow. Only she was the woman that could make him feel like that and it didn't matter what she did. An affectionate smile, a fiery kiss, an electrifying touch, a teasing wink, a meaningful word... Whatever she did brought him to his knees and prodded him to worship her like a goddess
She ended the kiss with a deep breath to suck in some fresh air into her lungs. "Wow." He croaked, his vocal cords betraying him. His whole body was trembling and judging by the twitches of hers, she'd felt the same.
She smiled at him lovingly, running her fingers through his hair down on the nape of his neck and then up across his Adam's apple on his cheeks. He leaned into her tender touch, enjoying the tangling feeling it had produced. Their eyes met because she wanted him to see the love for him there, to believe it and acknowledge it. His pupils dilated upon the realization that, indeed, she did love him.
He reached his hands into her hair and she purred in delight as he touched her scalp. Tugging at it, he brought his head down and kissed her again, having enough of just pouring his love. He wanted to play with her and so he nipped her bottom lip, falling in love all over again with all the sounds she'd been letting out of her mouth. What a gorgeous music to his ears.
She boldly stuck her tongue into his mouth and started to battle with him for the dominance, although their current body position was telling enough who had the upper hand. He relaxed and cupped one of her cheeks with his palm to occasionally leave her lips to kiss the corners of her mouth, to suck on her earlobe or to direct some of the blissful kisses on her swan's neck.
Clutching his shirt between her fingers, she threw her had back to give him more space and moaned loudly as his free hand started to knead her breasts. With every touch, she was getting more and more passionate and it was no wonder that he reacted appropriately as he struggled with the same amount of locked-up desire. The atmosphere gained a new, erotically-charged element that was very hard to ignore.
He took the hem of her shirt and tugged on it, trying to sign that he wanted to proceed further, if she let him, by taking it off. Moving hand over hand along his body as she was afraid that she might lose her stability, she sat up straight to facilitate his task. There was nothing more she desired right now than to feel him skin on skin and immerse herself into the warmth of his body.
But she suddenly felt something digging into her left ring finger and it made her realize that there was another reality outside of this one she was just living. "Tony, no." She seized the kiss, catching his hands right when her shirt was passing by her bra.
He didn't fight against her, just raised his eyebrow in question. He wanted to know whether her 'no' signed that she wasn't ready for the next step in their relationship and he was only allowed to grope her and wait, or if she was saying 'no' to this whole thing with him. To his surprise, it was neither. She apologetically smiled at him and shoved her left hand in front of his face so he could see the engagement ring.
"Not with this." She explained and wiggled the fingers of her left hand, showing the engagement ring gracing her left ring finger.
Fascinated, he let go of her shirt that fell back down around her waist and took her shaking left hand into his to inspect the engagement ring closely. He comprehended her restraint well. She despised cheating and so she was refusing to take their relationship onto another level while she was still engaged to another man. He didn't hold it against her because he always valued her for her sense of morality.
"True." He agreed and turned her hand so their palms were touching and she intertwined their fingers, the ring suddenly burning against her skin. "What's going to happen with Ray?"
She gulped but didn't avoid his questioning gaze as it was a legitimate issue. "I'm going to break off the engagement, of course." She replied firmly, signing him that whatever the future held for her, she wanted to share it with him and not with Ray.
He sighed doubtfully, suddenly feeling self-conscious. "Are you sure it's the right thing to do?" He asked her timidly, lowering his eyes in shame. Deep down it was the only thing he wished for but he couldn't help but having doubts about himself. Was he really able to give her everything she deserved? Or was Ray more suitable to fulfil her needs? After all, she'd written him off and hurried to engage the CIA agent.
"What's that supposed to mean?" She snapped, offended that he would doubt her sincere love for him and question her willingness to break up with Ray, insisting instead on some stupid love triangle.
She yanked her hand out of his but he caught it immediately and drew her closer to him because he realized that she had misunderstood his words. "Don't get me wrong, please." He pleaded her and upon hearing his heartfelt request, she abandoned her intention to leave the warmth of his body. "I'm not doubting you, I'm doubting myself."
She looked at him with a baffled face, trying to read the answer on her unspoken question why he would ever think that way in the depth of his eyes. "I mean... There must have been a reason why you wanted to marry him, right?" He tried to explain weakly without sounding too insecure and scared. "And I just want you to be happy, that's all."
If she could fall in love with him even harder, even deeper, she damn well would. Her heart started thumping as the realization dawned on her what kind of sacrifice he was able to make. He would give up being with her and letting her to be with another man if he knew that he couldn't make her happy, if he couldn't give her what he thought she was worthy of.
She realized her mistake of undervaluing him being ready for the commitment. Until now, she hadn't pondered the fact that he might want to commit to one person only and that was why he treated most of dates the way he did. They weren't her. He did like them but he had never formed any kind of emotional attachment to them and he had never been actually interested in doing so. Because there was only one woman in his heart worth the trouble and the risk.
"Yes, I did have a reason for accepting his marriage proposal. And it was a wrong reason, I know that now." She confessed with a thick accent that had always forced its way into the tone of her voice whenever she was moved beyond description. "I thought I couldn't have you."
He reached his hand into her hair, raking his fingers through the gorgeous wild curls he loved so much. Things had taken quite an interesting turn and their level of misunderstanding was apparently colossal, so he wanted to take his time to mull his next words over before he would let them out. Eventually, he figured that to question whether his signals hadn't been enough and she had just ignored to see them or how had it been even possible that they sucked so much in reading each other, was trivial.
"You can have me anytime." He said in a whisper softly. It wasn't anything soulful but he just wanted to assure her that he was always here for her for as long as she wanted him to be. "The whole package is at your disposal."
Her winsome giggle tickled pleasantly his ears as she adjusted her sitting position, settling her hands on the nape of his neck to award him with a blissful little massage. She definitely had in mind to benefit from the package he was offering to her. And since it was valid for a period of a lifetime, she had a lot of time to exhaust all the possibilities that were available to her to savour.
His penetrating gaze made her feel all warm inside again and she bit her bottom lip seductively. He loved to watch the way she pulled the skin between her teeth adorably and lightly pressed her head towards him. She obeyed his unspoken command and drew her lips closer to his, letting him to capture her and send her into a whirlwind of blissful darkness with a passionate kiss.
He respected her decision and kept his hands for himself, only slightly caressing her without titillating her over the edge. She smiled at him gratefully when she broke the kiss, leaning her forehead against his and opening her gorgeous eyes to stare into his. "I'm so sorry I considered you immature and incapable of any commitment." She sighed dolefully, repenting of the wasted time and vowing to make use of every single second from now on. "Now I know that it applied to anyone else but me."
He moved his hands up her back, across her neck and palmed her face gently with a smile. His joy over her comprehension of his past behaviour was mirrored in his sparkling eyes. He'd never had any intention to treat the other women in such a way but his heart had never allowed him to form any kind of deeper bond with them and so he had rather terminated the contact before he could cause more harm than good. His heart wanted the woman in front of him and as much as he had tried to disprove it, he couldn't.
"I owe that to you. You're the reason of my maturity and my desire to commit again." He revealed, his voice trembling with emotions as he caressed her crimson cheeks with his thumbs. "You made me a better person."
Her eyes flared up with genial sympathy and unflagging affection for him. He couldn't pay her a better compliment than that because his transformation was an illustration of what the power of love was able to achieve. "Likewise." She whispered across his lips with a longing sigh, appreciating his contribution in her own transformation to become someone different, someone worthy of such a strong and mighty love.
Sealing their love confessions for umpteenth time with a kiss tonight, their lips met with a renewed hunger, touching in waves of uncontrollable passion. Their tongues became intertwined in a teasing battle for dominance, tasting and savouring the delicious flavour of one another as their teeth didn't let anything to outdo them and here and there manifested their strength with a delicate bite.
When Tony mentally assessed the turn his life had taken, he had to give a laugh at himself for what kind of fool he had been. He'd just tasted one of the greatest life truths – the communication was the key. He might have wanted a happy life for her with a man she'd chosen and loved, but if he hadn't spilled his guts, she would have probably married the wrong man and become very unhappy.
On the outside, it would have seemed that she had been happy and content but that would have been a lie because her heart had still desired someone else. And so, his own inability to speak the truth about his feelings despite his chaste intentions would have hurt her the most. Because she would have been living a lie wrapped in a shiny paper but still a blatant, painful lie. And that would have been worse than anything.
He thanked whatever power in the universe that had pushed Ziva to come to his apartment tonight to pry the whole truth out of him. Like-minded Ziva was mentally kicking herself for not considering Tony's reckless and uncaring behaviour over his relations with women from other point of view and simply condemning any future relationship possibilities to a prompt failure.
She should have been more smart and try to fathom what had been behind the mask of the clown he'd always been. And even though it hadn't been her intention at all tonight as she'd been just bothered with his obvious effort to tell her something but always giving up on doing so, she'd been thrilled with her insistence more than ever. Because she suddenly couldn't imagine living without knowing that Tony DiNozzo loved her.
That feeling of despair she would have certainly felt if she had found out after it had been too late, would have been unbearable and it would have made her eternally miserable. She would have cursed herself for her wrong decisions as she was actually doing so right now. The difference, though, was that there had still been time to change her mind. And she'd done so without misgivings. Because true love was the only and the right decision worth of any kind of a risk and trouble.
The End
Well, I hope you enjoyed guys! Thanks a bunch for reading, dropping a couple of words in the review and see you next time. :) By the way, for those waiting for another chapter of Christmas Meeting – give me a please one more week or two. Winter Olympics and work are sucking the life of me at the moment. No more than two weeks, though, I promise!
Love you all and enjoy your weekend!