THE WAFFLES
A Seinfeld teleplay, envisioned by Joshua Kent, written by Bryan Peters.
Opening Joke
Jerry: You know what's always fun about waffles is you can put ANYTHING on them, chocolate syrup, maple syrup, blueberries, jam, honey, that kinda stuff, but, to me, the greatest thing about them is you can even make combinations: Honey and maple, chocolate and maple, jam and blueberries, know what I mean? One time I used everything. It's good for someone with good bowels, beware that recipe if you aren't. First time I did that was the last time, believe me. You don't want to be seen around with a swollen ass and a face like an albino.
While at the restaurant, Jerry tells George about his failed breakfast date.
George: So, did ya go on that date with… what's her name?
Jerry: Tammy.
George: Yeah. So, how'd that go, did ya make it all the way?
Jerry: Nope, we just went to breakfast.
George: Where?
Jerry: Oh, that diner on 47th and 23rd.
George: The Waffle House?
Jerry: Yeah….
George: Well, how was it?
Jerry: Well we got off to a good start, she came in with me, we sat down, ate a little, then, about ten minutes into breakfast, out of the blue, she says she hates waffles!
George: No way! Hates waffles?
Jerry: Yeah… hates them.
George: So, what'd she do?
Jerry: She left!
George: That's it? She just left, without saying a word?
Jerry: Yep.
George: So, do you think you're still in?
Jerry: Well, she did say she'd see me next week.
George: Geez. What ya gonna do about that? You gonna keep seeing her?
Jerry: Nah.
George: Why not?
Jerry: I can't be with a woman who hate waffles! Like, who hates waffles? Come on!
George: I know, it's abnormal, isn't it?
Jerry: It's like dating a Nazi!
George: A waffle Nazi.
Jerry: Oh well, it's not like I haven't been thru the breakup process before.
George: Yeah, I'm going thru a breakup too.
Jerry: How'd you do that, Costanza?
George: Well, Jerry, I tell ya, it's a thing of beauty. I used an old tactic of yours.
Jerry: And what would that be?
George: The Voice.
Jerry: Really? And how did that go?
George: I just went to her apartment and said it. You should do it again.
Jerry: To Tammy?
George: Yeah. Just do it
Jerry:………. Yeah… yeah… I am gonna do the voice!
George: Alright, see ya later.
Jerry is next seen walking through a hallway. He finally comes to a halt at room 68. He knocks on the door and Tammy opens up.
Tammy: Jerry.
Jerry: HELLLOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
She slams door. Jerry walks on: Lalalalalaalalalalaaaaa
Jerry's apartment.
George: So, how was the voice?
Jerry: Oh, worked like a charm. She flipped right out!
George: Right on.
Kramer slides in.
Kramer: Hey!
Jerry & George: Hey Kramer!
Kramer: Hey, how's my shirt?
Jerry: Should be done now.
Kramer opens the oven and pulls his shirt out. He sniffs and shudders, and puts it on.
Kramer: Oooh hoo hoo! Nice and warm!
Pause…..
Kramer: Helloooooo!!!
All: Hellooooooo!
Kramer: And how did that tactic work for you guys?
Jerry (in the voice): 'TWAS GOOOOOOOD!!"
George: Say, Cosmo, did it work for you?
Kramer: Noooo! She LOVED the voice! Took me days to figure it out, and then… BOOM! Something happened by chance.
Jerry: And…. What was that???
Kramer: I left the toilet seat up.
George: You left the toilet seat up?
Kramer: YYYYYYYUUUUPPP!
Jerry: And how did that convince her to dump you?
Kramer: She fell in!
All laugh.
Kramer: So, where's Elaine?
Jerry: Oh, she's gone to Florida to visit my parents.
George: Boy. And she's… aware… that she might come back to New York within 5 minutes of being there?
Jerry: Oh, yeah.
Kramer: So, Jerry, where did you take Tawny for your last date?
Jerry: It's Tammy, and we went to The Waffle House. You like waffles Kramer.
Kramer: (pause) Nah.
Jerry: Oh, really? You should date her. She despises them!
Kramer: Oooh, really? Tammy… I love that name… Can you hook us up?
Jerry: If I can refrain from doing the voice.
Kramer: What, she hates THE VOICE?!?!?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Well, FORGET it, Jerry! I can't stand the thought of a woman who hates the voice!
Jerry: Awh, well, whaddya gonna do?
Kramer: Yeah…
The intercom beeps.
Jerry: Yeah?
Voice: It's… Tammy.
Jerry: Come on up.
George: Tammy? What are we gonna do?
Jerry: (whiny)I DUNNO!
Kramer: I have an idea.
Cut to Tammy, arriving at jerry's door. She opens it, to see Jerry, George, and Kramer.
Jerry, George, Kramer: HELLLOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
(End Theme)
CREDITS
A Teleplay by Bryan Peters and Joshua Kent
Envisioned by Joshua Kent
First Draft written by Joshua Kent
Final Draft written by Bryan Peters
Starring
Joshua Kent as Jerry Seinfeld
Bryan Peters as Cosmo Kramer
???????????? as George Costanza
???????????? as Tammy