I love you almost as much a carpet loves the floor. Please read my insanity.

Come join me, and we'll probe the endless blackness of human's unspeakable awesome depravity.…or something.

I know things only toasters can speak of.

Chapter 1

Sam' eyes flew open and he realized he had no idea where he was.

"DEAN!" Sam cried, looking back and forth and finding nothing but a thundering, empty void that could only be described by hours of bleak emo-ranting. It stank of burnt flesh, the distinct biting odor of decay and piss and strawberry shampoo.

"SAM!" Dean screamed back, undoing his belt with one hand as the other fluffed at his wig. It was the wig that exuded the shampoo smell, which only made the stink piss/flesh/decay more prominent.

"DEAN!"

"Dammit, Sam, what is it?"

"Where the hell are we?"

Dean snorted. "Satan's cage, dumbass."

Sam's ear went into shock at the word Satan. "W-what?"

"I SAID, WE'RE IN LUCIFER'S CAGE!" Dean yelled into his ear. Dean had finally taken off his pants and now stood wearing his signature jacket and pink girl's panties. His wig was blond and wavy. The sight of it and the bad news was too much for the angsty Winchester.

"NOOOOO!" Sam shrieked out in an impossibly high pitch, so loud and forceful that it breached Hell's layers and made a topside cow explode.

"STOP SCREAMING!" Dean bellowed at him, exasperated at his brother's overly dramatic howling, and reached into his jacket pocket and brought out some lipstick. He applied it before holding it out to Sam.

Sam stopped vomiting and stared.

"What the hell is that for?"

"Put it on. Satan here wants a show by two sexy brothers wearing lipstick, and Sammy, if you don't put it on, he'll make it bloody."

Without another word, Sam obeyed. Out of nowhere a bright flash blinded them and Sam looked down. He now wore frilly red woman's underwear and a headband made it look like he had horns. "Lucifer's changed my clothes just now, hasn't he?"

"Actually, that was Michael. He loves his cross-dressing eye beams." Dean said nonchalantly, fixing his white midriff and turning around to face the American Idol panel where the aforementioned angels sat, with their beautiful, frightening wings that had eyeballs which whispered out streams of unimaginably vulgar gothic poetry.

Of course, Lucifer and Michael wore flaming red tuxedos as it was Tuesday in Hell, and held between Lucifer's two glowing toes was a fiddle of pure, gleaming gold.

Lucifer rose on one foot, stuck a hand down his pants and scratched his divine ass deeply before shoving the fiddle in Sam's face. "You won, putrid shit-monkey. Enjoy your fucking fiddle."

Sam glowed with pride, flipping his new bangs. Glad to at least have that much over the massively overpowered angel, he stupidly gazed right back at the angel's true form. Bleeding from the eyes, the younger Winchester claimed the instrument. "God knows I will!"

"Whatever, whatever." Lucifer scowled with his eyes, as angel mouths were not capable of frowning, and waved a hand. A platform appeared, and in it's middle a silver pole seemed to go on forever upwards. "Get ready to dance, bitch."

Sam craned his neck backwards. "The fuck? Why is it so high?"

"It extends up into a topside strip joint that I whisper to now and then." The angel said in a bored tone, and bitch-slapped Sam with a wing. "But you'll never get high enough to escape, Sam." Lucifer grinned, and the bright white of it shot out in a concentrated beam, searing Sam's eyes from their sockets. "You're going to dance on the only faint hope you have of escape, dry-hump it on my whim and Michael and I will watch you, hating you for trapping us here and yet drooling over your tight, sexy little body."

"You cruel bast…" Sam blinked and discovered he had eyes again. "Wait, what about my body?"

"TIGHT AND SEXY, YOU DEAF MORTAL!" Lucifer shouted, and shoved Sam toward the pole.

Alongside the two angels sat a very frightened and confused Adam, who wondered why he wore an animal print top hat when he really preferred fedoras.

He realized he liked the feel of woman's satiny panties.

"So, Adam" Michael purred, running searing hand down the slight-of-build Winchester's chest. "How does it feel, to finally have your revenge?"

"What are you even talking about?"

"They're the reason you're set to rot in Hell forever."

"Oh, okay." Adam deadpanned. "At least I have my sanity."

"Why would you want that?"

"Dunno, but at least it's mine."

And so after years of forcing the Winchesters to shake their moneymakers and pole-dance, they moved on to the inevitable torture…Only to find Lucifer and Michael and even Adam got bored with tormenting the Winchesters, found that after a few hundred more years of torture, the two older brothers just didn't hate the stuff anymore, and were quite happily snatching the hot pokers and razors from their hands and enthusiastically demonstrating their favorite pokes and prods.

"These guys are fucking sick." Lucifer announced before he sat back and sighed tiredly, caressing his brother's face with a foot.

"More sick than us." Michael nodded his agreement, absently stroking a sleeping Adam's hair.

"He smells like burning bacon." Lucifer commented.

"Yes he does, brother." Michael tilted his impossibly beautiful head, thinking. "Let's get Death to boot these two out. He hates you, but maybe he'll take them. We can be together here, all alone…forever. With Adam's sweet ass."

"Weren't we going to punish them" Lucy jabbed a glowing thumb at the pair of Winchesters who were busy having fun splattering each other with chainsaws, "for eternity?"

"I don't think it's possible anymore." As Dean stuck his chainsaw into Sam's heaving chest and clawed for his heart, Michael's eyes widened, and in the process burned out Lucifer's own eyes. They fell out and plopped on the floor, shattering and going out like two light bulbs and new ones quickly replaced them, even more gloriously sexy than before. "We've tried to the crotch drill, the razors and holy fire, fried them in oil and ate them with a sauce made of their eyes only to vomit them back to life. We've even made them dry-hump a cactus. There is nothing we can do that they won't get off on.""True." Lucifer blinked. "I don't even know how that cactus got here…So that's it?"

"No, that's not it," Michael said slyly. "I have an idea how to keep ourselves entertained."

Lucifer leaned closer, enough that their wings touched eyeballs, which made them cry.

"I'm listening."

One and a half minutes later, Adam had woken up and watched as Dean kissed Sam's still-beating heart.

He noticed the angels making out as only two Angels of the Lord could and their wings staring passionately at each other, before the sight boiled the eyes down from his sockets. He stared sightlessly for a long time, a very long time, and finally his lips formed a question. "You guys are all incestuously gay, aren't you?"

They continued to make out, and paid him no attention.

He threw his head back and groaned. "That bastard Zachariah was RIGHT!"

I love you, don't forget that.

NO, WAIT DARLING, COME BACK! I DIDN'T MEAN IT WHEN I SAID I'D KILL YOUR CAR WITH FIRE!