Taking Photos
This is an incredibly random little spoof that I wrote when I was bored. It is meant to be amusing. Please don't judge it too harshly if it isn't.
Disclaimer: I don't own InuYasha.
(Two photographers stand in a photography studio. Ten people enter.)
PHOTO GUY: Oh, good, you're here. Is this all of you?
KAGOME: (Counting heads) Inuyasha, Shippo, Sango, Miroku, Koga—
KOGA: Woman.
INUYASHA: Shut up.
KAGOME: Lord Sesshomaru, Jaken, Rin, and Kirara…hey, where's Ayame?
KOGA: She said she got stuck in some traffic jam, woman. She'll be here soon.
PHOTO GUY: Good! Let's get started. Inuyasha, Kagome and Shippo, you're over there. Miroku and Sango, you're here. Koga, you'll be here with Ayame—
KOGA: Woman.
SANGO: Enough with the womaning!
PHOTO GUY: And Jaken, Rin and Sesshomaru will stand here.
SESSHY: That's LORD Sesshomaru to puny mortals. Unless they hunger for death.
PHOTO GUY: (Backing away) So sorry, sir—erm, milord—won't happen again…
PHOTO LADY: All right, everyone…say cheese! (Gets ready to take picture)
MIROKU: Hey! Will you bear my child?
SANGO: You pervert! (smacks him)
SESSHY: This Sesshomaru finds no point in this photo taking. If these dim-witted mortals are as useless as they look, we may leave.
JAKEN: What a wise decision!
RIN: But I want to have my picture taken!
SESSHY: (Instantly) We are staying.
JAKEN: B-but…
SESSHY: Silence, fool. Or face my wrath.
KAGOME: (softly) It's sweet how devoted Rin and Sesshomaru are to each other.
SANGO: (looking pointedly at Miroku) At least some people in the world are undyingly loyal…
MIROKU: (obliviously, to the Photo Lady) Are you sure you don't want to bear my child?
INUYASHA: Keep in mind that I'm only here because Kagome begged me to.
SHIPPO: It's sweet how devoted Inuyasha and Kagome are to each other.
(Inuyasha whacks him)
SHIPPO: Kagome, Inuyasha's being mean to meeeee!
KAGOME: (sighing) Sit, boy.
(Inuyasha slams to the floor.)
KOGA: Woman.
INU: (popping up from the floor) YOU ARE ONE "WOMAN" SHORT OF BEING HEADLESS!!!
PHOTO GUY: (looking hassled) Please, everybody, calm down. The faster we take the picture, the faster you can leave. (Turns to Photo Lady) Are we ready?
KAGOME: Ayame's still not here.
PHOTO LADY: Yes…and I think we need to change Jaken's position. He somehow looks stupid right there.
ALL FEUDAL JAPANESE: He always looks stupid.
PHOTO LADY: Yes, I know, but his position is still somehow awkward. (She and Photo Guy begin in-depth technical discussion.)
KOGA: (Starts humming) Woman, hmm-mm-mm, woman, hmm-mm-mm, woman…
JAKEN: Say! What a lovely song! (joins in)
SANGO: Oh, please.
KIRARA: Meeeow…(covers ears)
KOGA & JAKEN: (At the top of their lungs) WOMAN, HMM-MM-MM, WOMAN, HMM-MM-MM…
INU: THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! (Leaps on Koga. Whirlwind of claws and teeth ensues.)
SHIPPO: I gotta say, he had it coming.
PHOTO GUY: (looking even more hassled) AAH! No! Please stop!
INU: (walks away from Koga, dusting his hands) That should teach him.
(Ayame suddenly bursts in.)
AYAME: I'm so sorry I'm late! What did I miss? (Blinks at Koga's limp form) What happened to him?
SANGO: Inuyasha got mad.
AYAME: Oh no. Is he all right?
KOGA: (staggering to his feet) W-woman…
KAGOME: Was he ever?
AYAME: You'd be surprised how often I get asked that. Ah, well, he's probably fine. This happens so much, he's probably built up some resistance by now.
JAKEN: (Still singing obliviously) WOMAN, HM-MM-MM, WOMAN, HMM-MM-MM…
SESSHY: Jaken. Be silent.
JAKEN: (Singing too loudly to hear) WOMAN, HM-MM-MM…
RIN: Sesshomaru-sama said STOP! (grabs nearest prop and hits him on the head with it)
JAKEN: Oooooh… (passes out)
(Photo Guy and Lady exchange amazed looks)
PHOTO GUY: Perfect!
ALL FEUDAL JAPANESE: Eh?
PHOTO LADY: Keep Jaken in that exact position while we take the picture. He looks so much better that way.
KAGOME: So…Jaken looks less stupid when he's unconscious?
MIROKU: Well, this tells us something.
INU: See, Sesshomaru? Told you I have better minions.
SESSHY: Impudent half-breed…(draws sword)
PHOTO GUY: (eyes slightly blood-shot by now) Please, sirs—milords—another time…(turns to Photo Lady) This is the worst photo shoot ever. What else could go wrong?
PHOTO LADY: Well, short of convicts popping in here through a trapdoor or something…
(Trapdoor suddenly opens)
EVERYONE: YAAAAH!
(Two heads pop out of trapdoor)
KOHAKU: Hey, sis!
KANNA: (emotionlessly) Deepest apologies for being late. We had to fetch these two from the county jail. (Disappears into trapdoor)
PHOTO LADY: Well, that was a freakish coincidence.
PHOTO GUY: (to Kohaku) May I ask who you two are?
KOHAKU: Don't tell me I forgot to sign up. (sigh) I hate my memory.
SANGO: Don't blame yourself. I should have signed you up.
KOHAKU: Actually, I was going to blame Naraku.
SANGO: Oh, blame him as much as possible.
(Loud swearing from the trapdoor)
SHIPPO: Who's down there?
KOHAKU: The people he asked for to do the heavy lifting. (Points to Photo Guy)
KAGOME: You mean, the people from the county jail?
KOHAKU: Yup.
PHOTO GUY: I DON'T WANT CRIMINALS IN MY STUDIO!!!
KOHAKU: Sorry. You didn't give us much notice.
KANNA: (reappearing with chains in her hands) Here they are. (Climbs out of trapdoor, leading Kikyo & Naraku by their handcuffs)
RIN: Hey! It's Naraku!
NARAKU: (kicking her) Back off, b!
(Everyone freezes, then backs away slowly)
NARAKU: Hey, where's everybody—
SESSHY: (leaping forward) DIE, PUNY HALF-BREED MONKEY!!! (kills Naraku)
KIKYO: NO! MY LOVE! (flings herself over Naraku's corpse)
KOGA: Wom—(Ayame covers his mouth with her hand)
KAGOME: Kikyo, if you'd like, we can kill you so you can be with him again.
PHOTO GUY: (very nervously, to Sesshy) Erm, sir—milord—your Majesty—not to criticize your judgment, and I'm sure you did what was best, and not intending to insult you or incur your demonic wrath—
SESSHY: (red light slowly fading from his eyes) Speak, mortal, or face the baboon's fate.
PHOTO GUY: (babbling) Istillneedsomepeopletodomyheavylifting!
(Sesshy give him an unfathomable stare; Photo Guy shrinks back)
SESSHY: Fine. I shall bring him back to life for some joyless, painful labor. Then I shall kill him again. (Revives Naraku with Tenseiga)
KOGA: (Still muffled by Ayame's hand) Mmmn.
PHOTO GUY: Oh, thank you so much, Lord Sesshomaru, your Highness! (turns to Kikyo and Naraku) Now, you convicts will haul this 20 square foot lead cube over here.
NARAKU: (Retaining his impudence even after being killed for it) And if we don't want to?
SESSHY: Then this Sesshomaru shall not hesitate to kill both of you again.
RIN: Yeah! Listen to that Sesshomaru!
(Kikyo and Naraku drag the lead cube)
KIKYO: We're doing it because we want to, not because you told us to.
INU: Yeah, yeah.
PHOTO GUY: OK, convicts, that's where the cube goes. Now, I need Kohaku and Kanna to sit on it and the convicts to hold it up.
NARAKU & KIKYO: We're supposed to LIFT that thing?!!
SANGO: You heard the man. Or face my wrath.
SESSHY: That is my line, human wench.
KOGA: Mmmn.
(Kikyo and Naraku lift cube)
NARAKU: You don't scare us. We're doing this because we feel like it.
SHIPPO: Yeah, yeah.
KANNA: (climbing onto cube and speaking emotionlessly) Ha. Ha. Ha. This seems to be poetic justice.
NARAKU: I can still crush your heart, you know.
KANNA: I would suck out your soul.
NARAKU: I don't have one.
KOHAKU: Then I would run you through with my chainsickle!
SANGO: And I would hit you with my Hiraikotsu!
MIROKU: And I will absorb you into my wind tunnel!
INU: And I will cut off your head with my Tetsusaiga!
KOGA: MMMN!
AYAME: And I will stab you with my flower thing!
SESSHY: And I shall cut you to shreds with my ballet of death.
RIN: And I will call you names!
SHIPPO: And I will put my spinning top on your head!
KIRARA: MEOW!
KAGOME: And I will kill Kikyo with a sacred arrow!
NARAKU: NO! You wouldn't destroy my love! You wouldn't be so cruel!
ALL FUEDAL JAPANESE: (evilly) BWA HA HA!!!
PHOTO LADY: I'm sorry to interrupt this bloodthirsty discussion of revenge, but we need to take this photo soon. Jaken could regain consciousness any minute, which would ruin our setup.
PHOTO GUY: Is everyone ready?
PHOTO LADY: Ayame, move your hand away from Koga's mouth.
AYAME: But then he'll start womaning!
INU: If he does, I'll kill him.
MIROKU: He's probably learned his lesson by now.
(Ayame reluctantly lets go)
KOGA: (instantly) Woman.
AYAME: Have you NO instincts of self-preservation?!
KAGOME: Even I didn't think he was that dumb.
PHOTO GUY: Please, Lord Inuyasha, can you kill him AFTER we take the picture?!
INU: (snorts) Whatever.
PHOTO LADY: Now we're ready.
MIROKU: Will you bear my—
SANGO & PHOTO LADY: NO!!!
PHOTO GUY: All right, everyone—say cheese!
INU: Why?
PHOTO GUY: (finally cracking under the strain) JUST SAY IT!!!
EVERYONE: CHEESE!
THE END
JAKEN: What…happened?
Here ends my attempt at comedy...Please R&R!