"And here's the maid of honor to give her speech!"
Quinn stood in her lavender bridesmaid dress as she took the microphone in her hand. She lifted her glass full of champagne towards the bride and groom. The smile on her face was sincere, but her eyes were holding back a deep sadness. She knew that this was what she had to do in order to let go of her past.
"I've known these two since high school and I love both of them very, very much. I wasn't always the nicest to them. I'm pretty sure I spent more time bullying both of them than actually being their friend, but, somewhere along the way, I grew up – we all did, together. We've all gone through a lot of stuff just to get where we are now and I couldn't be more proud of these two. It seemed like the whole world was against them, yet, here they are, Mr. and Mrs. Hudson," her voice trailed off. She cleared her throat, choking back the tears that begged to be released. Her eyes met Rachel's and she had to look away, otherwise she wouldn't make it through the rest of her speech. "And, Finn, if you even think of hurting Rachel, remember I know all of your… little secrets," she said while pinching her index finger and thumb together. The room erupted with laughter and Quinn took a deep breath.
She was almost done with this obligation that she had as the maid of honor. In a short while, she could drink until she couldn't remember that she was at the love of her life's wedding. She could forget that the ultimate "what if" was now a "could never be."
"Rachel, Finn, I wish you both a long and happy marriage. God knows you've both earned it. Congratulations and here's to many years of love and happiness and may you always be satisfied. To the bride and groom! Cheers!"
"Cheers!" the crowd echoed and clinked their glasses together in congratulatory celebration and sipped from their glasses in unison. Shortly after, the wedding guests started to tap their silverware on their glasses, hinting that they want the bride and groom to kiss. Finn smiled at Rachel and shrugged. He gently cupped Rachel's chin in his hand and kissed her lightly. Quinn resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Rachel ducked her head and brushed some hair behind her ear. She smiled and looked around at the crowd. She was elated to have all of her friends and family there with her, as well as Quinn and the other women next to her. Still, she couldn't explain why she wasn't happier than she was. Of course, she was excited to be Mrs. Hudson and was extremely happy that she was married, but there was something that didn't feel right, like something was missing.
Noticing that Rachel's head was somewhere else, Finn reached over and gave her hand a squeeze. "Everything okay?" he asked quietly.
Rachel nodded and took a sip of champagne. She smiled warmly at Finn and looked over at her fathers, who looked like they were the proudest parents. Hiram dabbed a tissue under his eyes and LeRoy blew a kiss to his daughter.
Some time passed and after speeches were made by Rachel's fathers, Finn's mother, and Mr. Schuester; it was Finn's turn to speak. Quinn swallowed the remains of her drink and poured herself more champagne. Finn stood up and towered over the rest of them. He tugged on his tuxedo jacket and fixed his bow tie. The microphone was passed over to him and he cleared his throat. He gazed down at Rachel's glowing eyes and smiled his crooked smile.
"Well, here we finally are. After chasing each other throughout high school and through college, we made it."
Rachel reached for the microphone and interjected. "It was mostly me chasing him, by the way." The guests laughed and Finn nodded.
"That's true. I never said I had the best judgement, but I finally came to my senses and you caught me, and I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to spend the rest of our time together making you the happiest you've ever been. I'll be the supportive husband that you deserve, your confidant, and your best friend. You know that saying that says the person they love is home? I thought it was just a dumb cliché until I left for the army. I took a picture of you and whenever I looked at it, I didn't feel homesick anymore. Every letter you sent me was another piece of furniture, every declaration of love added to the foundation. I knew someday that I would marry you; I never stopped believing. I love you, Rachel Barbra Berry Hudson, and I'm going to love you until the very end."
Sophomore year of high school:
Quinn stood at the top of the auditorium with the rest of the Cheerios and watched the outcasts sing a very poor rendition of "Don't Stop Believin'." Who did these people think they were? She watched Rachel and Finn move across the stage together; they held each other's waist as they turned in unison. Quinn was having a hard time figuring out which person she'd rather be out of the two. The confusion aggravated her and she walked out of the auditorium, vowing to make Rachel's life a living hell.
Rachel wiped tears from her eyes and wrapped her arms around Finn. He bent down and kissed her on the top of her head and embraced her. Other guests wiped their own tears and Quinn drank more champagne. Santana was sitting next to her, keeping a tally on how many glasses Quinn was drinking. She was on her third. Brittany was on the other side of Santana with a worried look on her face.
"Hey, Q, if you don't slow down, you'll be under the table before dinner even comes out," said Santana.
Quinn shrugged and finished pouring. She signaled to one of the waiters and requested another bottle. "If it means I don't have to listen to anymore speeches, that's okay with me." She lifted her glass and tapped it against Santana's, which was still on the table. "Cheers."
Santana had been there through all of Quinn's ups and downs, through the celebrations and the heartbreaks. She'd get hysterical phone calls at 3:00am, Quinn clearly inebriated, crying into the receiver about how she doesn't know how she's supposed to move on when the other person won't let her. Santana was on a plane that weekend to comfort her friend and tried to tell her that she was the one who wouldn't let go.
Dinner had come out and Quinn picked at the food and didn't eat much of it. She had no appetite and no interest in changing her liquid diet. Once the tables were cleared, Quinn excused herself to the restroom. She stared at herself in the mirror, hating what she saw. What had she become? Minutes passed as she built up the courage to go back out to the reception. The door to the restroom swung open and Rachel walked in with her pristine wedding dress; Tina was behind her, making sure the dress didn't drag on the floor. The bathroom was small, so she waited outside for Rachel.
"Oh, there you are," Rachel exclaimed. "I was wondering where you went."
"Here I am," Quinn replied solemnly. "I guess I'd better get back out there if people are noticing I'm missing."
Rachel grabbed Quinn's hand. Quinn's heart nearly leapt out of her chest. The touch felt like an electric shock flowing through her body, freezing her in place.
"I'm glad you're here, Quinn," she said softly.
The pit in Quinn's stomach fell deeper and she swallowed down all of her declarations and proclamations that had been held in for years. She looked at Rachel, who looked prettier than ever. They always seemed to meet inside bathrooms; it was like their safe space, where it was just them being them. Walls crumbled and guards were let down when they were there together.
Rachel's hand was still holding Quinn's. She still craved validation from her high school friend, even after all of these years. Quinn turned to face Rachel and squeezed her hand tightly. Her mouth formed a tight smile and she nodded. "Of course, Rach. I wouldn't have missed it for the world." Rachel didn't see the ache caused by her innocent words and hugged Quinn. Quinn let herself fall into the embrace and felt the tender skin on Rachel's shoulders, trying to memorize each curve and indentation. They released each other and Quinn took her leave. She walked back to the reception and Santana watched her as she sat down with a troubled look on her face.
"Why isn't there any hard liquor here?" Quinn asked, slumped in her chair.
Santana looked over at Quinn. "Did you have a poor bathroom experience?"
Quinn sighed and shook her head. "Not exactly."
Santana raised an eyebrow and looked over at Brittany. Brittany shrugged and poured a glass of water for Quinn, who needed to keep hydrated. She knew hangovers were no fun. Quinn smiled and took the glass of water. As she took a sip, the DJ picked up the microphone and announced that it was time to start the dancing and looked around for the bride and groom. First up was Rachel, who was walking back from the bathroom, and her fathers and also Finn with his mom. Camera flashes went off as the guests wanted to create memories of the night that Quinn couldn't wait to forget. When it was time for Rachel and Finn's first dance, all Quinn could remember was when the roles were reversed.
Junior prom:
On the prom dancefloor, Quinn had just started dancing with Finn while Rachel sang "Jar of Hearts" on stage. Even though Quinn knew that the song was directed at Finn, it was her that Rachel looked at while she sang. The pained sound in Rachel's voice pierced right through Quinn and a realization washed over her: she wished Rachel was singing to her.
When Rachel confronted Quinn in the bathroom and she lashed out and slapped Rachel, it was the most regret Quinn had ever felt before. She let Rachel think that it was because of Finn and because she hadn't won prom queen, when it was really about her confusion about her feelings for Rachel and the fear of what it all meant. When Rachel told her that she was the prettiest girl that she had ever met, Quinn wanted to answer with, "So are you," but instead, she took the tissue from Rachel and said nothing. This was her first attempt at letting go.
Santana was fed up with Quinn's moping, so she grabbed her by the hand and grabbed Brittany with her other hand.
"Come on, we're dancing," she demanded. She dragged the other two women out to the dancefloor and started to jump in the air and wave her arms around with the other guests. Brittany joined in and Quinn rolled her eyes, arms crossed. Santana grabbed Quinn's hands and swung them from side to side until Quinn cracked a smiled and started laughing and dancing with the other two. After a couple of songs, Santana left the group and went to go talk to the DJ. She whispered something into the DJ's ear and he nodded.
"What is she doing?" Quinn asked. Brittany shrugged as they watched Santana move across the stage and stood in front of the microphone stand.
"What's up, everybody? Isn't this a great party?" Santana waited for the applause and cheers. "I thought so. You know what would make it even better? Shaking up the dance a little. All right, ladies, I want you to find another woman to dance with. Aren't weddings all about us, anyway?" She shielded her eyes from the bright stage lights and saw Quinn standing a few feet away with a look of utter disbelief. Santana was very content with herself.
It took a little while for the shock to wear off, but women started pairing off. Rachel was a few feet from Quinn, smiling and laughing with other women who wanted to dance with the bride. Santana took Brittany's hand as she nudged Quinn over toward Rachel. Rachel's eyes lit up as she saw Quinn standing in front of her.
"Oh! I've found my partner. Sorry, ladies," Rachel said as she slid her way through them.
Finn was standing near all of them, still confused as to what was happening. "This is a little… untraditional, don't you think, Rach?" he asked. "Not that there's anything wrong with women dancing together, obviously. I mean, it's pretty h—"
"Okay, stop right there, Hodor. Don't say something you'll regret," Santana said, cutting off Finn, "Just because Rachel and Quinn are dancing together, it doesn't mean anyone's sexuality is in question. You're already married to Rachel, anyway, right? Also, stop fetishizing homosexuals. We've taught you better than that," she continued, poking Finn in the chest with her finger. Finn looked embarrassed and visibly apologetic.
"Sorry, Santana," he replied. "You're right. Okay, everyone, have fun." Finn kissed Rachel on the cheek and left to go stand next to Mr. Schuester and Puck. Puck raised his hand for a high five and Finn obliged.
Rachel scoffed when she saw them. "Boys," she said. She switched her attention over to Quinn, who looked nervous and agitated. "Are you okay, Quinn?" Rachel asked inquisitively.
Quinn's hands were clammy and her pulse started to beat faster. Rachel was standing uncomfortably close to her; she always did have a problem with personal space. "I'm fine," Quinn replied. Just as she was about to give Rachel some reason to excuse herself, the song started playing through the speakers. Rachel offered her hand to Quinn, who reluctantly took it. The piano introduction was easily recognizable by Quinn. She looked over at Santana and mouthed "Really?" at her. Santana shrugged no-so-innocently and continued dancing with Brittany.
A Great Big World's "Already Home" was a song that Quinn listened to non-stop for a month straight after she heard that Rachel and Finn had gotten engaged - again. Rachel was still in New York, finishing up her degree and Finn was stationed in Virginia with the army, but he had proposed during his leave last year. She laughed internally at the irony of the lyrics after hearing Finn's speech. Finn said that Rachel was his home, but Quinn had always thought of Rachel as something intangible, something always just out of arm's reach. She was greater than all of them, meant for more than to be someone's home. She was a star; she was the sun.
She was the whole damn universe.
"How do I look?" Rachel asked Quinn, looking down at her white dress. In truth, Rachel always looked stunning, but tonight, no one could match her beauty. Quinn remembered when she had asked Rachel how she looked after being reinstated into the Cheerios.
Senior year, post Regionals:
Quinn sauntered down the hallways of McKinley after being given back her Cheerios uniform, wearing it like a badge of honor that she worked so hard to get. The boys had just given her a thumbs up as she walked by, but when she saw Rachel further down, she still needed to ask her the same question, because Rachel's opinion was the only one that mattered to Quinn. Rachel had told her that she looked happy and Quinn was happy, for the most part. When Rachel sang "Here's to Us," Quinn needed to know who it was meant for. If there was any chance at all that it could have been for someone other than Finn, she had to know.
"When you were singing that song, you were singing it to Finn and only Finn, right?"
That answer to that question would shape the rest of that school year, and even the following years, for Quinn. Rachel never said the word, "Yes," but her timid nod and smile were all that Quinn needed to accept that she wasn't the one. It was the reason why she accepted to be a bridesmaid at that wedding and why she accepted to be the maid of honor at this wedding – it was the only way for Quinn to keep Rachel in her life. This was her second attempt at letting go.
Quickly changing the subject, Quinn asked where Rachel and Finn were taking their honeymoon, not particularly interested in the answer. Finn was taking Rachel to Cleveland, so they could go see the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Quinn wasn't surprised that Finn chose such a boring and mundane place to go. It wasn't even in a state they hadn't been to before. Quinn would have pitied Rachel if she didn't look so happy.
By the time the song ended, Finn was already at Rachel's side, waiting to dance with her next. Pangs of jealousy hit Quinn as she watched them walk away, arms linked together. Rachel turned back to wave goodbye to Quinn. She always hated watching Rachel leave, because she was never sure if it would be the last time. Rachel was always so busy with her career and with Finn; she was actually surprised that Rachel took time off for her wedding and would take more time off for a honeymoon. The more Quinn thought about it, the more enraged she got. All she could think about was Finn's hands all over Rachel and them walking along the coast, holding hands as man and wife, starting their new life together.
Quinn felt tears welling up in her eyes after she had promised herself not to shed anymore over Rachel; she ran back to the wedding party's table to grab her purse. She rushed to the valet to get her car and drove all the way back to her hotel, struggling to see through her tears as her chest tightened and heaved between breaths. Santana's name lit up on her phone; she and Brittany must have seen her run off. Quinn ignored the phone call and kept driving.
By the time Quinn got up to her room, Santana had called two more times. Quinn turned off her phone, tore off the dress and removed the make-up that had concealed her despair all night, and fell into bed – her tears saturating the pillow. It had been a while since she cried herself to sleep and it was not something that she ever cared to remember.
Three years ago:
After Quinn's college graduation, she held a party for her friends and of course she invited Rachel, who wasn't able to make it, because her fathers had taken her to Europe for her graduation present. A few drinks later, the party was starting to die down. Santana was still there, cleaning up empty bottles and plates and Brittany was sweeping the floor. Quinn was sitting on her couch, staring at her phone. Rachel hadn't called her at all that night. She thought Rachel would have at least called to say hi or congratulations on making it through another four years of hell, but there was nothing – no messages, no e-mails, nothing. She gave Rachel a little slack, considering she was in another country and she was probably busy, but it would have been nice to hear from her.
Quinn's finger hovered over the phone icon and she pushed it. The phone rang a few times and Rachel's voicemail picked up. After the beep, Quinn left a message. "Uh, hey Rach, I wasn't sure if you could accept calls while you were there, but I hope you're having a good time. I guess we made it another four years, huh? Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I missed you tonight and I… I lov—"
"''Sup, Berry, you'd bring me back some European candy or something. Let us know how you're doing when you have a chance. Catch you later." Santana hung up the call and handed Quinn back her phone.
"What are you doing?" Quinn asked, grabbing her phone.
"I'm saving your life. You don't want to be one of those people who proclaim their love for someone over a drunken voicemail."
Brittany walked over with her broom and dustpan. "But that's what you did, San."
"Exactly!" Santana exclaimed. "Don't do what Auntie Snix did. I could have done it way better than that. Besides, do you really want Rachel to know right now? I don't think it's something that should be said over a voicemail, for one. And, secondly, she's still with Groot."
Quinn sighed. "You're right, it was stupid. I don't know why I'm like this. No one has ever made me feel this ridiculous and desperate. I've had all these meaningless relationships because I really just want her and I can't have her. Even if I told her how I felt, what if she doesn't feel the same? It would break me. It's probably better if I didn't know. I'm done."
Brittany and Santana escorted the other guests out and sat next to Quinn, consoling her as best they could, but there was only so much they could do. Quinn had to do the rest.
The next morning, Quinn woke up with a terrible headache. She wasn't sure if it was from crying all night or from drinking so much. Either way, she felt miserable. She looked at her phone on the nightstand, which was still switched off and turned it back on. She had three voicemails – two were from Santana and one was from Rachel. Santana's voicemails consisted of wondering where Quinn went and cursing at her for not answering.
Why are you doing this to yourself, Q? Rachel is married now. What else needs to happen before you can move on with your life?
Quinn's blood began to boil. How dare she? Santana knew that Quinn had been trying to get over Rachel since high school, but every attempt was futile. There was no one for Quinn to move onto, because, for her, Rachel was it.
She deleted both of Santana's voicemails and took a deep breath before listening to Rachel's. As she listened to the automatic prompts on the phone, she walked over to the window of her room, which faced the front of her hotel. Some guests were packing up their cars, getting ready to leave and there was another larger crowd over to the side. In the center, she spotted Rachel, who was smiling widely and hugging a few people as Finn packed up their car. The voicemail began to play back and Quinn listened to Rachel's voice come through.
Hi, Quinn. I didn't see you leave tonight and I just wanted to make sure that you made it back to the hotel okay. I'm sorry we didn't get to talk as much as I wanted to. Weddings are definitely chaotic. I'd like to see you before we leave in the morning. I think Finn wanted to head out around 9, so we can get to Cleveland by tomorrow night. I meant what I said before when I was glad that you were here; I don't think I could have done any of this without you. You've always been there to keep me grounded. Actually, you've always been there for me, period. Sometimes, I wonder how things would have turned out if high school had played out differently - if we hadn't been so busy fighting over Finn and had just been friends, or… I don't know. Anyway, come see us off if you're able to. We'll talk soon.
Quinn listened to the message one more time as she watched the last of the guests say their goodbyes to Finn and Rachel. She questioned what Rachel meant when she said she wondered if high school had happened differently. Rachel looked up in Quinn's direction; Quinn wasn't sure if Rachel saw her, but she looked back down toward the front entrance of the hotel with a disappointed look on her face. Finn shut the trunk of the car and gave his mom one last hug. He walked over to the passenger side door and opened it for Rachel, who climbed in. Finn got in the driver's side and started up the car.
A wave of panic rushed through Quinn and she hurried to put shoes on. She ran down the five long flights of stairs down to the lobby and ran out the front door of the hotel. The car was already turning out of the parking lot into the road. Quinn bent down to try and catch her breath; the crowd started to disperse and either went to their own vehicles or back inside the hotel, leaving Quinn there by herself. She gripped her phone in her hand, the fire in her chest emerging again. She looked at her phone again and stared at the voicemail and back out to the road that took Rachel from her.
This was how Rachel's story was supposed to end and there was no room for Quinn in it. Quinn wasn't sure how her own story would end, or if she would ever be satisfied without Rachel, but she had to try. Quinn deleted the voicemail and walked back into the hotel, alone.
This was her last attempt at letting go.