Amanda clicked through the 100 cable channels she subscribed to and let out a disgusted sigh. Not a damn thing on. She absently scratched Frannie behind her ear while she clicked through again, hoping to find something to keep her mind busy.
It had been a month since Nick left for California and even though they hadn't been together for a while before that, she missed him. Sure she could still call him, but she didn't want to intrude on his new life. Really she was just bored.
She thought about calling Barba to meet for a drink, but then she remembered what happened in the squad room that day. Barba and Carisi had been arguing heatedly about some statute and the sexual tension coming off of them had been visible. So were the fuck-me eyes they both had been exchanging. Rollins was pretty sure they would both be busy tonight.
She clicked off the TV and stood. Frannie raised her head and Amanda smiled, "You about ready to call it a night, girl?"
Frannie continued to stare. Amanda rubbed her eyes, "What am I saying? You sleep 18 hours out of a day. Of course you are."
She wandered into the bathroom, brushed her teeth and changed into the oversized football t-shirt she favored for sleeping. She had just turned off the bathroom light when she heard a knock at the door.
Amanda froze. Frannie jumped off the couch and gave a small bark. Rollins shushed her and slowly made her way to the peephole. All she could see was part of someone's shoulder dressed in black. The knock came again.
She reached for the baseball bat next to the door.
"What do you want?" She called through the door.
A muffled voice answered her, "Amanda, it's me."
Rollins eyes widened in surprise and her hands were already removing the chain and unlocking deadbolts. She knew that voice although it had been a long time since she heard it.
She swung open the door, "Lieutenant Murphy."
He was leaning against her door jab and looked like a hundred miles of bad road. He had lost some weight since she had seen him last, and looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. She stepped back from the door to let him in. As he brushed past her she could smell bar on him. Booze, cigarettes, greasy food. She shut the door, locking it again, and suddenly felt very self-conscious in just her t-shirt. She watched him pet Frannie, who was ecstatic for the late night company, and waited for him to talk.
Finally he met her eyes, "I'm sorry to barge in like this, but I needed somewhere to go and I didn't want to be alone." He looked around, "I'm not interrupting anything am I? Amaro isn't going to kick my ass for being here?"
Rollins stood by the door pulling the hem of her t-shirt down, "No. Nick and I aren't together anymore. He's in California now." She finally snapped herself out of her astonishment at him being there and remembered her manners.
"Have a seat, I'm just going to grab some shorts." She moved quickly into her bedroom and grabbed a pair of sleep shorts and yanked them on while hollering into the living room, "Can I get you a drink or something?"
When she came back into the living room he had taken off his jacket and was sitting like a coiled spring on the edge of the sofa. "I've got beer, or I might have some Jameson left."
He seemed to almost cringe at the thought of alcohol and shook his head.
She sat at the other end of the sofa and watched him pet Frannie. He was acting so differently than he normally did. He was always so commanding and straightforward. She didn't know what to do with this quiet, almost withdrawn man. She spoke softly, "Lieutenant-"
"Call me Declan, Amanda."
She raised her eyebrows, "Okay," she said drawing out the word. "Declan, what's going on? I thought you were still undercover with the sex traffickers."
Murphy sat there stroking Frannie's soft fur and Rollins became so mesmerized, she almost missed it when he answered.
"Do you know what it's like to be around absolute scum day in and day out for years? Not just deal with them at work. Everywhere you go. You hang out with them, eat with them, and work with them. Never getting a break. I've done a lot of undercover work, going on 11 years now, and these are the worst people I have ever dealt with. I have to sit there and listen to pimps breaking in girls in the next room. Raping and beating them. Not being able to show an ounce of compassion. Sometimes it's so hard to hold myself back, I think I'll explode. Or just start shooting every pimp and gangbanger I see, to hell with the case. But I can't do that. All of it would be for nothing, and we would have no chance to save anyone. So I sit there and smile and laugh that their jokes, slap girls around if I have to, pretend to be a horrible person and lose a little bit of myself every day."
He finally turned to look at her and her heart broke for the haunted look in his eyes. "I just really need a friend right now, Amanda. A place that I can let my guard down for a few hours and I know I can trust you. Don't worry, I made sure I wasn't followed."
Rollins leaned forward and put her hand on his shoulder, "I know you wouldn't put me in danger, Declan. I trust you too."
Murphy closed his eyes at the admission of trust and seemed to lean into her touch. She smiled at him, "First thing first. We get you in the shower. You smell like a bar."
Murphy gave a little smile, "You don't say?"
Amanda led him to the bathroom, "Towels under the sink, washcloths too. Extra toothbrush in the cabinet. Mama always taught me to be prepared for guests. Uh, sorry I don't have any manly body wash-"she trailed off as she watched him examine the bathroom. She kept it pretty tidy but was suddenly afraid she had left something personal laying out. She hadn't. "I've got a stackable washer/dryer combo in the kitchen. If you wanted to throw your clothes out here when you get in, I could wash them for you."
Murphy gave her that same smile again. "That would be fantastic. Thank you."
Before she could back out of the bathroom, he grabbed the hem of his shirt and began pulling it over his head. She ducked her head and pulled the door closed behind her, leaning on it.
Holy shit! What the hell was going on? Should she be calling Liv or the undercover division? What if he needed serious help? Someone more qualified than her to help? She heard the shower turn on and before she could come up with any sort of plan, the door gave way behind her. She caught herself and realized he was throwing his clothes out so she could wash them. He closed the door quickly and she heard the shower curtain pull open and shut.
She leaned down and gathered the clothes in her arms and headed for the wash. At least she could do that while she thought about what to do.
Rollins tossed his shirt, undershirt and boxers in the washer but held onto the jeans so she could go through the pockets. She really didn't want to drown his phone while he was undercover. She pulled it out, and out of curiosity checked to see if it was on. It wasn't. He really didn't want to be reached. She got his wallet and a set of keys out and then dropped the pants into the wash.
She decided to heat up some leftovers for when he got out of the shower and thought about what she should do. Lieutenant Declan Murphy was one of the most competent men she had ever worked under. He would know if he needed to pull the plug. Maybe he really did just need a recharge. She decided to continue to trust him like she always had and not call anyone.
When Declan finally emerged from the shower she was sitting on the sofa not watching whatever she had turned the TV to. He had a towel wrapped around his waist and his chestnut hair was combed back from his face, and his beard still neat and trim. She had fixed him a plate of meatloaf, mashed potatoes and green beans and on a hunch she had set a glass of milk next to the plate on a TV tray.
He almost moaned when he saw the food. "Is that for me?"
She smiled at him, "Yep. Leftovers from yesterday."
He sat next to her and grabbed the milk taking a big swig, "Oh man. This is going to be so amazing. Amanda, you don't even want to know how long it's been since I've had a home cooked meal. I hope you don't mind about the towel. You took my clothes."
Rollins laughed, "I don't mind it. There was no way in hell I was letting you put those back on before they were washed."
She watched him eat for a little bit and then opened her mouth to ask him some questions when he cut her off. "If you don't mind, I'd rather not talk about me right now. Tell me about the squad. Tell me about Liv's son. Something happy."
So Rollins talked. She told him about Noah's baptism, how Liv was doing, funny Carisi stories, updates on Finn. She got up and switched his clothes to the dryer and filled his plate with seconds. She could actually see the tension leaving his body. By the time his clothes were dry and he had changed into his boxers and undershirt, he seemed a little lighter. Like part of a weight had been lifted.
"I need to go take Frannie outside one last time for the night, but just make yourself at home."
Murphy frowned, "At this hour? Amanda, it's really late."
Rollins smiled, "Its ok Declan. I just run her to the curb and back up when it's late. Besides, I can take care of myself."
When she came back in he was laying on the couch, out cold. She gave Frannie her treat and put her in her kennel for the night.
She stood over him, watching as he slept. Noticed the lines of tension that had been present on his face, smoothed in sleep. He looked exhausted but she couldn't let him sleep on the couch. She was raised better that that.
"Declan, come on. Let's get you to bed," she said rubbing his shoulder. He woke slowly and blinked at her. "What?"
She tugged on his hand and pulled him to his feet, supporting him as he began to sway.
He tried to pull his hand free, "Amanda, no. I can sleep on the couch."
She continued to push and prod him toward the bedroom, "There's no way I'm going to let you sleep on that couch. It's nice to sit on but hell on your back. Believe me."
She pulled the covers down and pushed him into the bed. She tucked him in and he grabbed her hand before she could leave. "Stay with me. Please."
Rollins nodded and turned off the light. She slipped underneath the covers and fit her body behind his. She wrapped her arm around his chest and aligned her knees behind his. She rested her hand over his heart and sighed when he covered it with his. "Thank you, Amanda."
She smiled against his back and murmured, "You already said that."
It took no time for his breathing to even out into sleep. It had been a while since she had just held someone and she took comfort from him. The solid weight and heat of him against her. She closed her eyes and immediately fell asleep as well.
She woke again in the predawn light and noted that their positions had changed at some point. He was wrapped tightly around her with his knee between her legs, face buried in her hair and hand resting on her belly. She shifted slightly and heard him murmur in his sleep. She thought maybe she should feel uncomfortable but couldn't find any discomfort at all. He was real and warm and for this small amount of time, hers.
She turned in his arms and studied his face. He looked much better, more rested. She reached out and softly stroked his cheek, surprised at how soft his beard was.
He sighed softly and opened his eyes, staring at her. "Amanda" Just one word. Her name spoken so softly and reverently.
She smiled and whispered, "Declan." She closed the distance between them and kissed him softly.
He pulled back and studied her face, "Are you sure?"
She pushed him onto his back and swung her leg over his torso. His hands grabbed her hips and steadied her on top of him.
She tucked her hair behind her ear and smiled again looking down at him, "Absolutely."
He groaned and buried his hands in her hair and pulled her down to him. When he kissed her, she felt his commanding presence come back. He dominated her mouth, slipping his tongue inside. She instinctively began to suck on his tongue and felt him grind his hips into hers.
He was hard as iron underneath her and she rolled her hips seeking pleasure as they broke apart gasping.
She arched her back and began to ride him, feeling his hard length through their clothes, right where she wanted him.
"I need to touch you, "he growled, pulling her t-shirt over her head. His hands went straight to her breasts, cupping them and brushing his thumbs over her nipples.
She gasped and held his hands in place while she continued to move her hips. She reached down and tugged on his t-shirt wanting to feel his skin on hers.
He raised up to help her remove it and then pulled her down on top of him. She loved the feel of his lightly furred chest against her nipples.
Murphy claimed her mouth again, biting at her lips, his hot breath on her mouth. She felt the room tip as he rolled them. She opened her legs and felt him settle between them. Murphy buried his face in her neck and she shivered at the feel of his mouth and scratching of his beard. He worked his way down her neck and to her chest and as he took her nipple in his mouth, his hand worked her other one. She cried out and felt her stomach clench in pleasure. "Oh God. Declan."
He continued the sweet torture at her breasts, alternating his mouth between them, while his hand dipped into her shorts and began to rub her clit. She legs fell open further to accommodate him. He murmured against her breast, panting. "You feel so good, Amanda. So soft." He moved his fingers lower and felt the wetness at her folds. "So wet for me. I need to taste you."
Amanda lay against the sheets and moved her legs where he wanted them as he pulled her shorts and panties down and off. She raised her head as he moved her legs over his shoulders and felt no embarrassment as he stared at the most private part of her.
He was looking at her like she was the most beautiful thing in the world. And then he said it out loud, "You are so beautiful."
She propped herself up on her elbows so she could watch him as he put his mouth on her. Her head dropped back and she moaned loudly as she felt the first warm brush of his tongue. He ate her out with the single minded determination he was known for and all she could do was hold his head in place and cry out her pleasure. She gripped his hair tightly as her orgasm rocketed through her.
He rose to his knees and pulled at his boxers, kicking them off as he positioned himself on top of her.
They were both panting as she tried to push him on his back so that she could return the favor, but he shook his head and held her down. "I need to be inside you. God, I need it so bad."
She reached out and stroked his cheek again and wrapped her legs around his hips. He reached down and guided himself inside. Amanda moaned and clenched her thighs around him. He felt so good inside her.
He buried himself to the hilt and then stilled above her. The muscles of his neck were straining and he seemed to be trying to control himself. Finally, he slowly began to move. He kissed her deeply again. She ran her hands down his back and gripped his ass. "Come on, Declan. Just let go."
It seemed to break something in him as he moaned deeply and his hips began to snap into hers. Their kisses were wet and filthy. Amanda held onto his biceps and moved her hips to meet his. Their cries mixing together until she couldn't tell who was making what noise. She felt his thrusts begin to slow and she nudged his shoulder to roll them over.
She settled on top of him again and began to ride him hard. He gripped her hips so tightly she knew there would be bruising tomorrow. His gaze was so intense she had to close her eyes. She felt like he could see right through her. She swung her hips and reached down to rub her clit and felt his hand knock hers out of the way. "Let me do that."
She threw her hair back and continued to chase her pleasure and when she came, it was out of nowhere. Shocking her in its intensity. He coaxed her through it and then gripped her hips and began thrusting hard and fast up into her. She held on, locking eyes with him.
His thrusts sped up in an erratic pace and he moaned loudly as he spilled inside of her. She collapsed on top of him, panting. He ran his fingers through her hair, she could feel his heart racing in his chest, and as she closed her eyes, she had never felt so content.
When she woke again it was fully daylight and she was alone in the bed. She reached over and felt it was still warm. She pulled on a robe and stretched her sore muscles. She found him in the kitchen, fully dressed, staring into his coffee cup.
Rollins wrapped her arms around him and rested her chin on his shoulder. "How much time do we have?"
Murphy reached up and covered her hands with his own. He sighed, "I was just waiting for you to get up. I didn't want to leave while you were still asleep. I don't want to leave at all."
Rollins released him and sat next to him. When he turned to look at her she was smiling. He frowned, "What?"
She laughed, "I'm not going anywhere, Declan. When this is over, I'm still going to be right here."
Murphy grabbed her hand, kissing her knuckles and held it to his face, "What if I'm not? What if they take everything I am away from me?"
Rollins leaned in and kissed him, "Take something from Lieutenant Declan Murphy? Impossible."