Thought I'd try out something a little different, so I worked on this for a week or so. Anyways this dedicated to reclusive scarecrow because what she wrote on her profile kind of inspired me to challenge myself and suburbs, who is simply brilliant and ever so kind. I don't know if they'll read it but it's just my way of thanking them. :)
Disclaimer: I do not own CR.
It hurts all the time. It hurts that even after all these years, she can give you something I can't. The pain is like having your heart squeezed, in an iron vice like grip. And my heart has been in a permanent choke-hold for the past five years.
What does she have that I don't have?
I'll tell you what I don't have. I don't have curly, caramel coloured hair like her, which you want to run your fingers through. I don't have doe like hazel coloured eyes which you want to drown in. I don't smell of rain drenched jasmine which you want to inhale. Simply put I am not Caitlyn Gellar.
I have straight silky hair, which you don't run your fingers through. I have deep brown eyes which you don't want to drown in. I smell of tuber roses that you don't want to inhale. Simply put I am Mitchie Torres, your wife.
--
I wonder why sometimes. I wonder why you married me when you clearly never got over her. She was your first kiss, your first love, your first everything. And yet somehow you ended up with me . I remember seeing the both of you together and wishing that I and Shane could have what you both had. A love that seemed complete and fulfilling. I did get what I wanted but not with Shane, I got it with you. It came with a price though.
When both of you broke up, I think the whole of camp was shocked. Because you broke up with her for me. Her very best friend and your brother's (ex) girlfriend. The whole camp judged us, she did not though, she truly believed what you told her, that you had found a soul mate in me. She congratulated me and it broke my heart because she congratulated me with tears in her eyes.
I finally felt I found someone who understood me. But love (I don't know if I can call it that) blinded me. You and I were too similar Nate and still are. Too bad, we were never meant to be. She balanced you out and I don't and never will.
--
It took me a while to realize that though, so caught up was I in loving the ideal of you. We got married and Caitlyn finally moved on. Jason stole her heart. You had a fit of jealousy but I mistook it as concern. To this day I cannot believe how incredibly stupid I was in not reading the signals. It's surprising what you can make yourself believe if you want to.
The ideal of our love crumbled with our marriage. We had our head in the clouds though and stayed there for a while. Ignorance was bliss. It was bliss believing that you loved me and it was bliss for you believing you did not love her. But reality always kicks in sooner or later, doesn't it?
It began with small arguments (doesn't it always) and it then escalated into bigger fights. It reached its limit when you moaned her name when kissing me. Her name when kissing me. I was angry but then doubt wormed its way in. Was this how she felt? Did you moan my name when you kissed her? It hurt Nate, to know I was where she once was and she was where I once was, albeit unwittingly.
It was then that the castle in the clouds finally collapsed. And I couldn't blame her, because she moved on and you didn't Nate. Caitlyn moved onto to Jason. She fell in love with him and fell out of love with you. She was happy after everything. You weren't and you made me unhappy in the process.
--
Five years later, I am still with you Nate. And you are still with me. This marriage is not a marriage anymore. It's just a bond which ties (an unwilling) you to me. Caitlyn's once again become a source of envy for me, Nate. Because she has what I thought I once had and so desperately want once again. Love.
When I look at her and Jason all I see is happiness. When he holds her close and tells her he loves her. When he is at a concert and he only has eyes for her. When he softly presses kisses to her forehead. When he grasps her in bear hug and vows to never let go. When he looks at her calls her 'my wife'. And she looks back and reciprocates because he is her world. The center of her universe, the place you once called your own.
--
When I look at us, I see emptiness. When you hold me close and whisper her name. When you are at a concert and you have eyes only for her. When you kiss me and imagine it is her. When you don't hug me and just walk away. When you look at me and call me 'Mitchie' and never 'my wife'. I look at you Nate, willing you to look at me. You look at Caitlyn, willing her to look at you. And Caitlyn looks at Jason, only.
This is not fair to me Nate, it is just not. Doesn't my love count even a little? I would like to think it does. I would like to think that, it the reason we still remain married. I would like to think that despite it all, you still love me. Just a little. So I will wear my rose coloured glasses and pretend everything is okay. Because everyone need not know that I love you, you love her and you and I are married right?
But I do and you do too and with this burden of knowing that there's three in a marriage causes nothing but misery. But you and I sealed our fates when we entered this marriage. Now we will carry this burden. I will love you, you will love her and she will love Jason and the world will continue to revolve as it always did.
Yes, I know it is Christmas eve and not the happiest of stories but what could I do ? Also I know it was one hot mess of pairings and I may have gotten slightly carried away but I did enjoy writing it. Anyways please do review and let me know what you thought about my first ever Nitchie (that wasn't a proper Nitchie.) :)
Anyways Merry Christmas!!!! :)