A/N: WARNING! DESCRIPTION OF CHILD ABUSE IN THIS ONE- SHOT.

Otherwise there's actually comfort for all this hurt in the end and a title that basically says it all. Enjoy xx

It had been getting worse again.

Reade had thought he was getting better – he had been on the right track – after watching the video that had cost him so many sleepless nights with Tasha at his side. He thought it would put his mind at ease if only just a little bit. He hadn't expected to just be perfectly fine from one day to the next but for a few weeks it had actually felt like that. The constant anxiety had stopped, as had the nightmares and even his panic attacks had subdued.

Now it was all back. Worse than ever.

This whole week had been a complete setback for him. Physically and emotionally. There hadn't been a single good night's sleep, the nightmares keeping him at the brink of sanity – or had he slipped into insanity without noticing? It was impossible to tell. Not that he had a lot of rational thoughts left in him that would even remotely resolve that question, no, his anxiety had taken care of that for him. There wasn't a single reasonable thought left in him.

His brain was basically a jumbling mess of angst, panic, restlessness and not for the first time this week he wished he could just take that next line to turn it all off. He needed to get away from all of this for just second! But he couldn't – he wouldn't – do this to Zapata. He couldn't keep fighting for himself but he would move heaven and earth to not fail her again. Not after everything.

He pressed his eyes shut tightly, kneading the bridge of his nose to get his headache under control. No such luck there, but it would've surprised him.

He was sitting on the bus, trying to ignore all the voices and scents around them. Public transportation was the absolute worst. But he didn't dare to drive his own car this week.

The flashbacks had been getting more frequent and whenever one hit him – completely out of the blue – he felt like he couldn't breathe and fell into another panic attack. Not the best idea to have that happen while driving a car. Being out in the field wasn't that good of an idea either, he had to admit, but for some reason he could usually clear his head out there. Concentrating on doing his job had been the only thing pulling him back time and time again.

Finally he reached his bus stop and got out of the cramped vehicle taking a deep breath for what felt like the first time since he had gotten on there 20 minutes ago.

A good 5 minutes later – by the time he reached his apartment he was practically running – he could shut the door to the rest of the world at last. He sank back against the wooden surface and fell to the floor, not caring about rumpling his suit or how the glass bottle (of water!) in his satchel hit the ground.

Reade already felt his heartrate picking up the pace again and no matter how many breathing techniques he tried, he felt his heart practically bump out of his chest. He felt for his pulse on his neck. His carotid artery felt like it would burst any minute with all of the pressure and that knowledge only furthered his anxiety.

God. He couldn't do this. Not right now. Not tonight. He was beat and had no energy left.

Why couldn't he catch a break?

Why couldn't it just stop?

He needed it to stop!

He felt the tears flowing down his cheek before he consciously realized he had started crying. He had lost all control of his body and that made him cry even harder. With the first sob he let himself fall to the side, curling into a tight ball, making himself as small as humanly possible.

And he just stayed there. Crying, sobbing, screaming. Hoping that, if it had gotten out, he would have none of it left. Surely enough, he went silent. The sobbing and shaking had stopped. He had survived another seizure. How? He didn't know.

Trance- like he got up from the floor, picked up his bag and stumbled towards his kitchen. He let the bag fall on the counter then filled a glass with ice cold water and downed it in two gulps. He drank to more glasses of water.

He had only enough energy left to go to the bathroom quickly before he fell into his bed – still in his pants and shirt – and closed his eyes. Maybe tonight would be the night where he could get some sleep. He desperately hoped so.

It was dark.

Moving his head a little to either side he realized he was wearing a blindfold but when he tried to move his hands to take it off he detected that his hands were pinioned. He couldn't move either his arms or his legs. He wanted to scream but suddenly he felt a cloth in his mouth that he couldn't spit out.

He was trapped.

He fought against his chains to the best of his abilities. But he wasn't strong enough. He struggled to get his arms free but bleeding wrists were all he achieved. His feet he couldn't even move enough to make them bleed. His eyes were filling with tears and those tears were streaming down his cheeks freely.

He was lost.

Deep down he knew that if he couldn't make it out of these restrains something bad was going to happen. He didn't know what but he knew it would be horrible. His heart was racing and he tried screaming against the cloth and ended up choking on it. He coughed – tried to spit the cloth out again – but he couldn't. He was breathing heavily but his lungs wouldn't fill with enough oxygen.

Panic.

He was panicking. He had to get out. He had to –

Suddenly there was a noise and he turned his head towards it abruptly, pulling a muscle in his neck but not being able to scream. He couldn't see what happened, it was still completely dark. Out of nowhere his blindfold was being pulled down and he instinctively shut his eyes shut at the light that hit them.

He heard a chuckle.

"Don't be scared, Ed. You can open your eyes. Come on. Look at me."

Nononono.

This couldn't be real. It couldn't be. He refused to believe it and he kept his eyes shut. Maybe the other person would just leave. Maybe if he couldn't see them, they wouldn't see him either. But all hope was shot to hell when he felt his hand.

He felt the pressure on his knee first.

It wandered upwards from there on and he tried yelling. Telling him to stop.

His eyes hurt from being shut this tightly and the tears still hadn't stopped when he felt the hand reach his genital.

He shook his head, putting even more intensity in his struggle. He felt his bladder empty itself but he couldn't even feel shame. He could feel nothing but absolute terror.

"Open your eyes, Eddie." The voice was back. Gently, softly. The hand was massaging his testicles, pressing a little harder every time.

"LOOK AT ME, EDGAR!" The voice screamed and grabbed his penis tightly. He screamed once more and yanked his eyes open.

Reade screamed at the top of his lunges when he woke up.

He screamed so loudly that his throat hurt like hell once he stopped. But he didn't even feel it. He was covered in sweat, he felt like he was drowning in it. He couldn't breathe. Couldn't move. Couldn't think. Couldn't not think.

With the last strength he had – he had no idea where he got it – he reached over to his nightstand to grab his phone.

His call was answered on the second ring.

"Tash? I- I need you."

He didn't even hear her answering him, he simply let the phone fall onto his bed and curled up to the other side trying to calm himself down.

He hadn't told Zapata how it had gotten worse this week because he hadn't wanted to worry her but right now he wouldn't know how to do this without her. He needed someone. He needed his best friend because apparently he couldn't do it on this own.

His breathing had almost slowed down to normal again – after he had continuously pinched himself in the arm to stay in the real world – when he heard the bell ring but he couldn't make himself move. He hoped she had the spare key to his apartment and sure enough, she let herself in and he could hear her running through his apartment towards his bedroom.

When she found him he had managed to sit up in his bed but if he believed the look of shock on her face he still looked like absolute hell.

She didn't even say anything. Just jumped onto his bed, pulling him into her arms and laying both of them down on his bed. His head was resting on her chest and he could hear her steady heartbeat. He didn't think he had ever heard anything more soothing.

Tasha was cradling Reade's huge form in her arms, stroking his short hair gently and whispering sweet nothingness to him, mostly in Spanish. She knew he wasn't listening to her anyway, but she felt better saying something than staying completely quiet.

After almost 40 minutes he felt enough like himself to remove himself from her arms and sat up.

"Thank you, Tash."

"Don't thank me, big guy" she smiled at him softly "Why else would I sleep with my phone next to me?"

He managed a weak grin and enveloped the small Latina in a huge embrace. "You are the very best friend on earth"

"And you stink" she laughs quietly, holding her nose, after hugging him back just as fiercely. "Go. Take a shower. I'll be on the couch."

True to her word, when Reade came out of the shower feeling better than he had all week, Zapata had made herself comfortable on his couch and was in the middle of zapping through all TV channels known to mankind. She had even reached the twohundred- something already.

"That desperate for some entertainment?" he asked plopping down on the carpet in front of the couch and using said couch as a backrest.

"Well" she looked down at him, giving him an amused look at his seating arrangement "It didn't look like you wanted to go to sleep anytime soon and since I am still in my PJs anyway, I thought we could make it a movie night. But there's nothing remotely good on at this time of night" she sight in exasperation.

He only realized now that she was only wearing short pajama shorts with red chili peppers on them and a tiny tank top. Her leather jacket had been thrown over the armrest of the couch and she was cuddled in one of the blankets he kept on his couch.

"How long did it take you to get here?" he wanted to know curiously. He knew on a normal day, during daylight traffic it would take a person around 30 minutes between their apartments. Considering that traffic was much lighter at this time of night – was it already 1am? – it still would've taken her about 20 minutes. But it had felt like much less.

She bit her lip "I got here about 15 minutes after your call. But my car was parked at the end of the street, so it took me a while to get there."

Reade gaped at her but she simply returned her attention to the TV, beginning her search in the one-digit- channels again.

"We could watch a movie?" he suggested after another 10 minutes spend in silence. He felt himself drift back into his nightmare and he desperately wanted to stay awake. But he was also glad that Tasha hadn't asked about it. She knew what it had been about, he had told her about it before, and she had opted for distraction instead of confrontation.

"What do you have?" she asked throwing the remote to the other end of the couch in frustration "Something that's not a horror movie?"

"Well. I have 'Up'" he said thoughtfully.

Now it was her time to gape at him "'Up'? As in that Pixar movie with the boy scout and the grandpa and the balloons?"

"You seem to know your Pixar movies" he grinned at her shocked expression and got up to get the DVD from the shelf behind his TV.

While he stood, looking through the movies (Tasha was right, most of them were horror movies), his doorbell rang again. Quizzically he peered at his friend who had jumped from the couch immediately and was currently running towards the door.

He couldn't see whoever was at the door but Tasha seemed to be talking to them so he took a step towards his entrance but didn't get far because he was already holding a bundle of blond sweetness in his arm. Over Patterson's head he threw Zapata a look that said "Really?" but she just shrugged her shoulders and took the DVD from his grasp behind the blonde's back.

"I brought ice cream!" Patterson explained after letting go of Reade, holding up a huge bag "Because emergency midnight meetings call for ice cream."

"Actually we just wanted to watch a movie" Reade interrupted.

"Even better!" the blonde beamed up at him and he had to return her smile even if his was just barely there. But the woman simply kept talking anyway "I didn't know what ice cream everyone liked and how many people were gonna be here so I just bought chocolate, strawberry and vanilla as the basics. Some mango because who doesn't love mango?! And also cookie dough, stracciatella and I think this one is lemon."

Patterson explained her ice cream choices, making her way to the kitchen and moving around in it as if she was at home, while Tasha put in the movie and made herself comfortable on the couch again. Reade stood there, at a loss, and was in the progress of deciding what to do when the doorbell rang again and this time he got to the door before Zapata could get up and stared straight into the uncertainly smiling face of their favorite Jane Doe.

"Um. Hey" she greeted and held up a family pack of his favorite kind of tea "Zapata called and I thought I'd bring some tea. Um" she stopped for a second looking down "It always helps me warm up after a nightmare" she added softly and then took a step closer to hug him tightly, a very uncharacteristic move.

He returned the hug, feeling the ice the nightmare had left in his heart, already melt a little bit by all the warmth his friends brought into his home. Stepping back he motioned for her to come in and closed the door behind her.

"I'm guessing, Weller's on his way as well?" he asked nobody in particular.

He would've thought Zapata would answer him and she was already nodding but it was Jane, who had now taken off her jacket revealing a figure- hugging black dress, who answered him "Yes. He's on his way. But he wanted to get something from his apartment so he let me out here first and drove back then. Shouldn't be long, though."

Patterson came out of the kitchen now, carrying two huge bowls filled with all kinds of ice cream, grinning at Jane when she sat them down on the couch table. "You look great. Today was date night, right? Where did he take you?"

The tattooed woman blushed an unidentifiable shade of red and was about to reply but in the meantime the words had gotten processed in Reade's brain.

"No! You didn't just cancel date night because of me?" He thought he was going to feel sick. He didn't want his friends to give up their lives to take care of him. He didn't want to be a liability, someone they had to take care of like a baby.

But Jane shook her head reassuringly "No. We were just on our way home, it's 1am after all, even I know that most restaurants are closed at that time" she smiled up at him softly and he found an understanding in her eyes before she even had to mutter the words – only for him to hear "I know how terrifying some nights can be. And how much some company can help. I wanna be here. We all want to be here." The last sentence she had said more loudly and the other woman nodded in agreement.

"Now come here, big guy" Tasha stretched out her arm motioning for him to come over to her "Let's get a little comfortable. Nobody wants to watch Pixar movies standing!"

"What are we watching?" Jane wanted to know while Patterson disappeared into the kitchen once more, undoubtedly getting more bowls of ice cream, and when Weller rang on the door they had still paused the film but had settled in a light conversation.

Jane had opened the door for her boyfriend so no one else could see him yet but they could hear her bursting out into giggles and Reade looked down at Tasha in quizzically who returned his gaze with a confused shrug but then came Weller.

They could barely make him out behind the huge pile of blankets and pillows he was carrying. They only saw his arms and legs sticking out to the sides and a completely thrilled Jane trailing in behind him.

He dropped everything he was carrying in the middle of the living room and smiled sheepishly at the three people staring at him in utter disbelief "Well, I thought we might as well make it a sleepover."

Patterson started cackling first, quickly joined by Tasha and even Reade cracked a smile.

"Good thinking, boss. Good thinking!" Tasha exclaimed in between giggles and already grabbed another pillow to hug to herself, cuddling into the couch a little more.

As Reade watched his friend make themselves comfortable in his living room, occupying every space there was – from the actual seats to the carpet, where Weller and Jane had cuddled up to each other – and he felt the sight warm him from the inside more than any tea ever could. He could hardly believe his eyes that those people were here. Got here in the middle of the night because he'd had a nightmare and they were dead set on spending the rest of the night with him watching Pixar movies, simply because they loved him. He knew it then.

These people weren't merely his friends – they had long become his family.

A/N: I hope it didn't seem too forced/ rushed with all the happiness in the end? When I read it again I found it was quite a good transition, but let me know what you think :)