I Saw Red
Summary: A little peek inside the Admiral's head after the events of A Girl's Best Friend and Good Intentions.
Disclaimer: I don't own the show, the characters, or the song. Nor am I profiting from this in any way, shape or form. I only wish I was.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Good Intentions
Admiral Chegwidden's House
McLean, VA
A.J. shut the front door. As he walked into the kitchen, Dammit came running up to him, sniffing and licking his hands.
"Hey, girl," he said. "I missed you too." She padded behind him and nosed at the door, as if she were looking for someone else. "No, Meredith's not coming. She probably won't be coming by anymore."
He opened the liquor cabinet and poured a glass of scotch. He sat down in the living room, loosening his tie. Dammit had followed him in there and sat in front of him. She cocked her head at him and whined. "Not you, too."
As he sipped his drink, he thought about what had happened over the past few weeks. He had started out the new year preparing for a wedding and a new life, and now everything had come crashing down on him.
"Oh hell, I'm getting as emotional as Rabb," he told himself, trying to get out of this mood. It didn't work. Stray memories floated around in his head. He remembered the first time they had met, when he had suspected Mac of setting him up.
Oo it must be magic
How inside your eyes I see my destiny
Every time we kiss
I feel you breathe your love so deep inside of me
And if the moon and stars should fall
They'd be easy to replace
I would lift you up to heaven
And you would take their place
He thought back to the time she sang for him at the restaurant and winced. But although she didn't have the ability, he had to admire her courage in doing something like that in public.
He remembered talking to her for hours, about Shakespeare, about the officers under his command, about her students. They never seemed run out of things to talk about. Until now. She wanted to talk – Coates had faithfully reported every message she had left. But he didn't know what to say to her.
Then I saw red
When I opened up the door
I saw red
Heart just spilled onto the floor
And I didn't need to see his face
I saw yours
I saw red then I closed the door
I don't think I'm going to love you any more
The sad thing was, he couldn't hate Meredith for it. In spite of it all, a part of him still loved her. She had an insight into his mind that was uncanny – no one else was as perceptive about his feelings as she was.
Every day I wake up
I thank God that you are
Still a part of me
Opened up the door to which
So many people never find the key
And if the sun
Should ever fail to send its light
We will burn a thousand candles
And make everything all right
She was the best thing to happen to him in a long time, which is what made the pain so keen. She'd taken his heart and tore it into pieces. He tossed back the rest of his drink and went back for another. Alcohol certainly wasn't going to make anything better, but it would take away the pain for a little while.
Then I saw red
When I opened up the door
I saw red
Heart just spilled onto the floor
And I didn't need to see his face
I saw yours
I saw red then I closed the door
I don't think I'm going to love you any more
He tried to make sense of what she did – maybe he had neglected her in some way, not fulfilled some unknown need she had. And the professor had come along and taken advantage of the situation. He had been right not to trust his motives.
I've been hurt
And I've been blind
I'm not sure that I'll be fine
I never thought it would
End this way
Oo it's magic
He knew before long, the word about what happened would get around JAG and then he'd have to deal with their sympathy, which, well-intentioned as it was, could be smothering.
Maybe someday, months from now, he'd be able to talk to Meredith rationally and calmly. And maybe sometime in the distant future, he'd find the courage to give his heart to someone again. But for now, he had Dammit and Glenlivet by his side and that was enough.
Credits: The song "I Saw Red" is by Warrant and appears on their album "Cherry Pie".