It's been a couple of years since I last wrote a Shaman King fic I think...well, here I am again. For those of you who don't know me (or have just forgotten) I never keep the twins the same as they are in the anime, because I don't think they'd still be the same after everything that happened. I also repeat myself a lot, but as Shaami realised in a discussion we were having, people do repeat themselves a lot when they think about things - and important points and ideas are meant to be repeated to make them stand out so my media course taught me oh so long ago.
As with Light Restored and Unity, the fic is set after the anime (ignoring the manga - especially Hana) and as well as being Hao/Yoh, it will undoubtably contain much character bashing.
The next chapter will probably be up in a couple of week. (Rating is because I have no idea what will be coming in future and purely because it will be twincest.)
Be nice and send lots of reviews? (It's my b'day 2moz - 18th, so it would be a nice present, lol.) Hope you all enjoy. Laters!
It's only been a few months and I'm already sick of this. I'm not normally one to let things bother me, but this isn't exactly run-of-the-mill. I just don't know what I can do to change things though; I know they won't understand if I talk to them. They're all so happy with me and what I did and they keep on and on about it. I really wish they'd stop it. I don't regret my actions, I did what I had to, but that doesn't mean there isn't some guilt over what happened all the same. I should have been able to do more about it; I managed a better outcome with everyone else after all.
I guess I just want to move on with things, rather than having a constant reminder of what happened. Now that I've had a chance to reflect on everything, I realise what an absolute hypocrite I was being. 'I won't hurt anyone, it's wrong', and then I go schizo on him and kill him, yeah, real friendly and forgiving Yoh, congratulations. I still can't figure out why Hao elicited a response like that from me, why he made me so angry, when I've always been so understanding with everyone else. It's so strange…
I can't help thinking about it, nor about what happened to him. He was so angry in the end, he lost himself completely. I feel sorry for him now that it's all over and I've actually stopped being so completely bias and thought about things logically. He was pushed so hard, let down continuously and was completely unable to hide from the truth. He lost himself and instead of them helping him, they pushed him further and further away and the anger and hatred they felt, all transferred to him, with him being empathic. Really it must have been horrible; I can't imagine knowing other people's thoughts and feelings, especially when they're derogatory towards you.
I know for certain that I'm not angry with him anymore, I don't in the least agree with what he did, but I do understand how it came to that. I hope that Hao found peace this time, rather than the cycle starting all over again. I don't like the idea of being reborn all the time and having all those memories, thoughts and feelings. To have to live over and over with everyone hating and fearing you, it really doesn't sound like much fun. I don't envy him in the least, not that he'd much appreciate me pitying him either.
In some ways, I kind of wish that I had the chance to talk to him, now that the tournament is over and everything has calmed down, but I can't help thinking it probably wouldn't be a good idea. I'm still afraid of him, not that I'm sure whether it's because I think he'd try to kill me, or because I think he'd want to. For some reason, the idea of him hating me bothers me. I know I don't like not getting along with anyone but this is different. Maybe it's because we're twins, because there's a bond there whether either of us ever realised or acknowledged it.
I also sit wondering how much of what happened was real, whether it all was, or whether no one really got hurt at all. I don't really know how the latter could be possible but I guess it's my optimistic nature hoping for the best. I mean, we know that no one became Shaman King at least, so if that was a lie, how much else was too? I know a lot of people have died because of Hao, I just want to believe that some of those we saw die during the tournament are really okay somehow. I guess if that were true, it would mean that Hao would be okay as well though, wouldn't it?
I'm not really sure how I feel about that idea. If a miracle had occurred and he'd found himself again, and he didn't want my head on a stick, then I think I'd be kind of glad, otherwise, it really wouldn't be a good thing. I really don't want to have to fight him again, we're lucky that things worked out the first time; Hao is far stronger than I am. If it weren't for everyone calling me and then sharing their power with me, things would have turned out very differently.
Sometimes I think they understand that and other times I think that they don't realise it at all. I don't know, I guess that everything just seems so very different now. I'm so unsure of so many things and I feel so very dissimilar to how I was before, I'm not sure what to think. So much happened, there was so much to take in and I couldn't at the time, but everyone expects me to be the same as I was before. How could they think that I would feel the same when I took someone's life? Even though no one will consider him as such, he was still my brother. How could it possibly not affect me?
I've continued to act the same as I always have, purely because they expect me to. It's hard to do any different when I don't really understand how this has affected me though. I'm not really sure what I want right now, so there's no point in creating any upheaval. Anna doesn't need an excuse to yell at me, even if she has been a little better since the tournament ended. She's always been a slave driver though; she must have been a very spoilt princess or queen in another life. Not that I'd ever dare say anything like that to her…
It isn't really so much that I'm afraid of her, because I know that I'm stronger than she is, but I know Anna will react badly. I hate fighting with people and I wouldn't want to hurt her, though I know she wouldn't think twice about hitting me, she never has. It's kind of sad that she doesn't realise that I'd be more willing to do what she wanted if she didn't go off on one all the time. I not saying let me get away with everything by any means; I know I need a kick to do things, just not literally.
I really wish I could figure out what it is that's changed, what it is I want. I don't see things the way I did before and there are so many things I used to like that don't really interest me now. The most logical reason I can think of, is that this is because of my soul joining with Hao's and in turn I wonder if maybe, given a chance, it would have changed Hao too. If I've become a little more like him, then maybe he could have become a little more like me and he wouldn't be so angry and hateful anymore. I wish I could save him…
"Yoh-dono?" Amidamaru asked quietly.
"Hai? O-genki desu ka?" Yoh replied smiling.
"Are you okay Yoh-dono? You're very quiet."
Yoh grinned. "I'm fine, I was just thinking. I really can think when I need to, as unbelievable as that might sound."
Amidamaru smiled and nodded. "Then I won't disturb you any further."
"Sorry I worried you. Aren't you meant to be meeting up with Mosuke and Bason?"
"Yes, I shall be leaving shortly. I expect to be some time, so I shall bid you good night now."
"O-yasumi nasai Amidamaru. Have a good time and say hello for me."
"I will. Good night Yoh-dono."
Oops, I really didn't mean to worry him, though that being said, it doesn't always take much for him to worry, especially where I'm concerned. It's nice to have someone trying so hard to look out for me though. Still, if Anna and Amidamaru are both out for the evening, I should be able to train in peace without having someone either telling me off or questioning me. I know they all think I'm incapable of acting on my own initiative but I'm not and things just aren't the same as they were. I'm quite happy to get on and learn more about that, just in my own time.
It's not that I'm trying to hide what I'm doing from them, I'm not, it's just…this is something that feels private, something that shouldn't be shared with everyone. I don't really understand why I feel that way but I do. It won't really hurt to learn it by myself when I'm in the mood to though and honestly it's far easier to do when I'm completely alone. Everything flows more easily when I want to learn and I have no distractions.
I would never dream of admitting it but it also makes me feel closer to Hao and for whatever reason, it makes me feel content. That fact I'm definitely hiding from them, they'd be furious with me if they knew and I'm sure they'd worry a lot about it too. Hao frightens them and they hate him, they don't want me to have anything to do with him, let alone care about him. It's sad that all they can think about is his destruction, maybe if they'd tried a little harder to reach him…
I shouldn't be thinking about this, I know, it won't do me any favours. When I'm left to my own devices however, I do find my thoughts drifting to him, I can't help it. I don't know why I keep thinking about things I can't answer, or even why I feel the need to think about those things on such a regular basis. Why is this suddenly so important to me? It just doesn't make any sense; why do I feel so lost and alone without him when he's never been part of my life?
Yoh sighed pushing his thoughts aside, he was meant to be practicing, not pondering something he had no way of solving. Focusing on his breathing, he relaxed himself and opened himself up to nature and the universe. It was easy to learn, providing he focused on what he was supposed to be doing. The path had been opened up through the Chou Senji Ryakketsu, now all he had to do was follow it. The way the world opened up and everything became understandable was astounding and most certainly worth the effort.
It's strange how open everything is, how much a little understanding can change everything. I do understand Hao and how he felt about everything, unfortunately his claims are perfectly true, but that doesn't make what he did right. Yes people are destructive, yes nature and her other creatures are suffering because of humanity, but it doesn't give him the right to go around killing people, let alone simply because they won't follow him. It isn't true that all humans are bad, nor that humans and shamans can't be considered as the same. All shamans are human, whether Hao likes that idea or not.
I wish it were possible to block the reishi, though I wonder how much of a difference that would really make now. The damage is already done and has been for a millennia, what hope is there that even if it was blocked he would be okay? It might make things a little easier for him, not having to hear and feel everything he does but it wouldn't change his opinion of people and it wouldn't take away his hate, anger or feelings of betrayal. It's such a shame that everything turned out the way it did; he could have been such a good person and done so much for everyone.
Really I wish it were possible for all of them to let go of their hatred and persecution. The world would be a much better place if everyone learnt to get along and accept others, if there was no greed and ill-intent in the world. A world like that would be wonderful but it would never be possible when created through blood. Anything gained by fighting just breeds resentment, which leads to more fighting in the future. We all have to walk our own path, it's just unfortunate that there are so many selfish and hurtful people, those few with kind hearts are often used and hurt by others.
Things do need to change, I know that, but it's easier said than done to walk the right path to achieve that, you can't force your beliefs on others, they have to accept things themselves. With so many people in the world, getting everyone to understand and agree is most likely impossible. Ideally I suppose, one would have to have an entirely separate world for those who understand and feel the same way, somewhere new to start again, without the tainted and bloody history of this world. Maybe it's impossible regardless, maybe humanity can't get past its sadomasochistic nature, but it's something to hope for all the same.
A much better ideology for becoming Shaman King than my original idea of lying around doing nothing, though I'm not sure how true that wish ever was. Sure I like doing my own thing at my own pace but I couldn't just ignore that there are other people with needs that I could help with that power. I always do what I can for others, whether at my expense or not; I like people to be happy, I hate to see others suffering. I suppose that's selfish really, maybe there really is no such thing as a selfless deed; one performs such acts because it makes them feel better.
I wonder if there is a way to change things for the better, if becoming Shaman King could give someone enough power to open people's eyes and make them understand how things really work and the consequences of their words and actions. I'm not sure that it would matter for some people, whether they knew or not…when did I become a pessimist? Since when have I ever believed that someone couldn't be reached? We can all understand each other, we just have to try and I didn't try hard enough with Hao, I wasn't ready to understand or listen back then but I am now.
Yoh sighed and stood up stretching, he looked at the clock knowing he'd been sat for some time but not knowing exactly how long. It was a usual routine for him to practice and learn new things and then get lost in thought. Everyone else would assume he was slacking off but he didn't really mind that, it was easier when no one expected anything. Like the situation with Hao, everyone was looking to him to take care of it and it made things very difficult. Yoh preferred just to be left to do things at his own pace with no expectations, even if everyone did think he was lazy because of it.
He headed up to the roof and laid under the stars, nowadays they always made him think of Hao. The other held them in such high regards so it was hard not to be reminded. He and Hao were born under the same stars and their destinies were tied together, as much as Yoh wished that wasn't the case. He didn't want to hurt anyone, yet their destiny gave them a fight to the death. Either he lost himself to Hao and a lot of people died, or Yoh killed Hao. Luckily for all those people, the latter occurred but Yoh couldn't help but wish there had been another option available.
I wonder if any of that made a difference, if the tournament changed people's opinions and wishes. I know that meeting me made a difference for Ren and Jun; well I suppose the same goes for Faust, Manta and Ryu too. I'd like to hope that I made an impact of a lot of people but I'm not going to presume that it's the case. I can see for myself the difference I made in the lives of my friends but just because things may have changed for others during the tournament, it doesn't mean it was life altering like it was for my friends.
I don't think anything has changed where Hao is concerned though, I'm quite sure that everyone hates and fears him as much as they did before. They don't seem to understand, or maybe they just didn't care that it only made things worse. He knew their thoughts and feelings and they were accentuated in him, the anger and hatred grew and grew and no one made any attempt to stop it, they only tried to stop him. I'm just as guilty as everyone else for ignoring the cause and making things worse. I doubt I'll ever understand the anger I felt towards him or the actions I took.
I've been out here too long; time certainly passes quickly when I'm thinking about that taboo subject matter. Anna and Amidamaru will probably be back soon, so I ought to get myself sorted out and get into bed, I don't think my solemn mood would go down too well with either of them. The last thing I want to do is explain the reason for the mood I'm in, I think Anna would kill me, literally. Earth to Yoh, stop thinking, get moving, it's time you slept.