You Must Live For Their Sake
By Starrysapphire.
Disclaimer - Joss owns Buffy and the people I mention own themselves. Not that any of them are based on real people of course....Oh and Jamie McCrimmon is owned by Gerry Davis with thanks to various other script writers and Frazer Hines.
Setting - A sort of alternate version of Doomed.
Spike stood at the top of Sunnydale cliffs, staring out over the town. He'd heard the Slayer mention that Angel had tried to kill himself up there once, only it had started snowing and he'd lived.
Well, no risk of that, this time.
Spike was sick of it. He was sick of being unable to kill things, of being in the Slayer's debt, of not having Drusilla with him, of sleeping in Xander Harris' basement, of wearing Xander Harris' horrible clothes. He just wanted it all to end. The sun would be rising any minute now. Any minute.
Any minute.
Any....
"Hey!" Spike said out loud "Where'd the sun go?"
TIME HAS STOPPED.
Spike nearly fell over the edge of the cliff.
"What? Who's that?" he said, looking around "Where are you?"
EVERYWHERE.
"Is this some clever trick by some religious freaks?" Spike asked suspiciously "Because you won't convert me! I'm evil and I think all that God stuff's a load of crap! Are you trying to convert me?"
NO CHANCE OF THAT LITTLE VAMPIRE the voice said, sounding amused.
Spike clenched his fists.
"Look, who ever you are, just fuck off will you?" he said. He didn't feel up to talking to.......whatever this was.
WE ARE THE POWERS THAT BE.
"You're the 'what'?" Spike demanded. He thought he'd heard Buffy mention the Powers That Be. Angel worked for them or something.
YOU CANNOT KILL YOURSELF LITTLE VAMPIRE the voice said NOW IS NOT THE TIME.
"Look here," Spike said, turning round again, trying to see who he was talking to "It's none of your bloody business what happens to me and I'll do what I bloody well......argk!"
Spike suddenly realised that he was no longer standing on the cliff top. He was standing high up in space, looking down at the earth.
LOOK AT IT. WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO LEAVE THAT? the voice asked.
"If you're so all powerful, how come you don't know?" Spike demanded.
He was positive that he heard the whatever-it-was sigh in exasperation.
IF YOU CHOOSE LIFE, WE WILL TAKE YOU BACK TO AN HOUR BEFORE THE SUNRISE.
Then there was a small popping sound and Spike got the feeling of having been thrown violently up in the air and then landing in the exact same place without having moved a muscle.
"Stop that!" he yelled furiously "Just put me back down will you?"
YOU MUST SEE. WE SHALL GIVE YOU A REASON TO LIVE.
Spike felt himself being gently lowered. But not towards America. Towards England.
"Look, exactly what are you doing?" he asked "What if I don't a reason to live huh? What if I just want to die?"
YOU ARE NO LONGER IN THE SAME DIMENSION YOU WERE A MOMENT AGO. YOU WILL NOW SEE A REASON TO LIVE.
Spike scowled.
"What gives you the right to pick innocent - well all right, not so innocent - vampires up and plonk them down in other dimensions?" he asked sulkily.
WE ARE THE POWERS THAT BE the reply came.
"That's not a bloody answer!" Spike yelled "Christ, I can't believe Angel works for you puffs? Do you do this to him often? You're the bloody good guys and I'm evil!"
There was no reply and Spike suddenly realised he was in direct sunlight only nothing was happening. He also realised he was heading straight towards a solid roof.
"Hey!" he shouted "This is going to hurt!"
But it didn't. Instead he went straight though the roof and into a bedroom and landed gently on the floor. Spike instantly noticed that there was girl on the bed with a laptop on a tray.
DO NOT FEAR, SHE CANNOT SEE OR HEAR YOU.
"Who's afraid?" Spike asked, hiding a small tremor in his voice.
LOOK AROUND YOU.
Spike did. Then he did a wild double take. Right beside the girl was a poster of him!
"That's me!" he squawked "Being extraordinarily good looking if I do say so myself." He slowly looked around more "And there......and there.....and there....and there.....and there....."
In fact he realised, he was on every wall except for one which was Star Wars dominated. There were pictures of the other Scoobies too, plus Angel's little helpers but there were far, far more of Spike than anyone else.
"Blast!" the girl hissed "What's the matter with this stupid lump of crap? I'm trying to write fanfiction you stupid thing and you just stop working on me?"
"Fanfiction?" Spike asked.
LOOK IN THE FOLDER.
Spike looked around until he saw a folder. He picked it up and opened it. It was filled with paper. Spike began flicking though. Familiar names jumped out at him.
"Hey this is about us! Hey here's me! Here's me doing.....hey, I'm shagging Angel!"
Spike began leaping up and down.
"Oy! Oy you! Yeah you! Whatever your name is! I have never, never, ever been with Angel! You hear me? Never! Well, except for that one time when we were both drunk.....and that other time when I was just bored stiff.....and that other time when I just needed anyone to shag and he happened to be in the same room as me......but apart from those, never ever, ever! Oh yeah, and that time when he seduced me just to make a point to Darla."
The girl blinked and glanced around her looking puzzled. For a moment she glanced straight at Spike. Then she shrugged and continued fighting her laptop. Spike put the folder down and continued looking round the room. He suddenly realised that he was being lifted up again.
"Oh no! Come on not again! I'm scared of heights!" he yelled. It was a blatant lie but he was sick of being flung around.
LIAR the voice said, sounding very human.
"I'm not!" Spike shouted "I'm not lying, it's the truth! I want my mummy!"
He was ignored. He felt himself whizz though the air and then land gently in another house. It was night here and a group of girls were sitting around in sleeping bags, giggling. A bowl of popcorn sat in the middle of them.
"So if you could date Angel, Angelus or Spike, who would you pick?" one of them was saying.
"Oh Spike, definitely," one of them said.
"But Angel's so dreamy!" another said.
"Yeah Jen, but Spike's just so cool! I mean, when he first arrived in Sunnydale? In that car with the music? It was just so, so cool!" the other girl said.
"Yeah but can you imagine a date with Spike? I mean, he'd just be wanting to bed you the whole time!" the girl called Jen said.
"There's a suffering," the other girl said and snickered.
"Well at least there'd be a chance of getting him into bed," Spike's loyal defender pointed out "Unlike Angel who while being a hunk is not at all bedable."
"Beda-what?" Spike said. The girls didn't hear him.
"All right Emmy, what about Angelus? What do you think of him?" the last girl said.
"Too inconsistent," Emmy said, shaking her head "You can never tell if he's sincere or not. He likes to play too many games."
"Where as Spike is just predictable?" Jen suggested, taking a handful of popcorn.
"No but he's more likely to tell you. You know, 'I'm gonna eat you now luv,' rather than 'Now let's just go and explore this dark alleyway?'"
"Angelus would never say that," one girl objected.
"So what do you think he said that girl, Theresa then?" Jen asked.
"Yeah well, I'd go with Angelus," the girl said.
"Sherry!" both of the other girls yelled "You've got to be kidding!"
"No way!" Sherry said "He's just cool! All vicious and funny! No moping or 'hey, why doesn't Drusilla love me anymore' there!"
Spike nearly went mad.
"What?! How dare you mock my grief! It's nothing like that! I'm gonna tear out your eyeballs! I wouldn't go on a date with you anyway you ugly little slag! Angelus indeed! I'll get him to eat you!" he bellowed, leaping up and down.
Naturally, the girls didn't react.
"Well, I'm with Angel," Jen said firmly "He's so nice! Anyway, you could moan to him about everything and he'd listen and be really sympathetic. You couldn't do that with Angelus or Spike!"
"Spike's the only guy for me," Emmy said firmly.
"Well I'm not saying that Spike isn't cool," Sherry said "I think Spike's great. I just rather go on a date with Angelus."
"All right then," Emmy said, a wicked glint in her eye "Who would you rather sleep with, Angel, Angelus or Spike?"
Spike began to jump up and down.
"Me! Me!" he yelled "I'm way better than the puff! Pick me!"
"Angel," Sherry said promptly "Because then he'd turn into Angelus and you'd get to sleep with two of them!"
She was promptly pelted with popcorn. Spike tried to grab a handful to shove down her neck but his arm froze up.
"Oh, come on!" he yelled, glaring at the ceiling "Just one bit of popcorn down the neck!"
There was no response.
"Okay, I have to admit that I'd rather sleep with Spike," Jen said "I avoid Angelus at any cost. Besides, don't you think that Angelus would just be really into all those gross things like whips and stuff?"
"Well Spike's into chains," Sherry said.
"Yeah but so far whips have never been mentioned," Jen said.
"Spike's the man for me," Emmy said calmly.
"So what do you reckon he's like?" Sherry asked.
Spike suddenly realised he was being lifted into the air.
"Hey wait! No! I want to hear this! I want to see if they're right!" he wailed as he was whooshed though the air.
When he landed, it was daytime again. Some girl was lying sprawled on her bed, writing something.
"Alex! Alex, phone for you!"
Alex sprang up and went downstairs, leaving the folder open. Spike glanced round the room. Ample pictures of him again. He went over and looked at the folder.
"WHAT? What's this stuff? Who's this Jamie then? And why am I shagging him?" He flicked back a couple of pages "TARDIS? Isn't that the time machine in Doctor Who? Why exactly am I in a Doctor Who?"
THESE PEOPLE LIKE YOU the voice said. Spike swore he could hear a smirk in it's tone THEY WANT TO PUT YOU WITH OTHERS THEY LIKE.
"Well I don't care much for being paired with guys thank you. Unless they are really, really cute," Spike said.
LIKE ANGEL? the voice asked, sounding amused.
"No! Look, apart from those four times...oh and when he wanted to make some female vampire jealous so we did it in a pub alleyway, got caught by these humans and had to run away really, really fast because being gay was still illegal in those days....apart from those five times, we never, ever had sex!"
Alex came back into the room with a phone in her hand.
"Yeah, you will never guess where I'm up to now!" she was saying "Spike and Jamie again! Yeah......I know. Oh, I love Spike!"
"Thanks," Spike said cheerfully "I know I'm just wonderful in every way!"
He was lifted in the air again and plonked down. A group of kids were watching telly. Spike looked at it and then did a double take.
"THAT'S ME!" he yelled "I'm on telly!"
On the television, he was drunk and unhappy over Drusilla.
"Oh, poor Spike!" one of the girls said "I think they should just give him a hug."
"I think he should go and beat up the Chaos demon," the boy said "You know, just go and rip of it's antlers, give in numerous electric shocks and then kill it horribly."
"And after that opinion, lets just keep watching," the older girl said, rolling her eyes "I think Spike's really cute in this bit."
"Thanks," Spike said. Then he turned to the boy "Good idea that."
He was lifted again and dropped in another house where they were watching telly.
"That it Spike!" the watchers were cheering "Hit him with the crowbar! He deserves it! SP-IKE, SP-IKE!"
Spike grinned, basking with pride as he was whizzed to another house.
"SPIKE'S BACK! SPIKE'S BACK!" was the simple response "Look everyone, it's SPIKE!"
Another whoosh and he was watching two girls on a computer. Spike looked over their shoulders. It appeared to be a list of stories about him and the Scoobies. Fanfiction again he supposed. He glanced at the sides where it said Pairing.
"What's pairing?" he asked out loud.
He suddenly guessed when he saw Spike/Dru written there. He began scanning the others.
"Buffy/Angel, Willow/Oz, Willow/Xander..." he murmured "Buffy/Xander, Buffy/Cordy, Buffy/Willow, Buffy/Faith, Willow/Angel, Willow/Spike.....hey, that's never happened! Xander/Cordy, Xander/Angel.....WHAT? Angel/Doyle, Angel/Cordy, Angel/Lindsey....who's Lindsey? Angel/Kate, Angel/Faith, Angel/Wesley....." Spike coughed to show that he wouldn't dignify that with anything "Angel/Darla, Angel/Dru, Angel/Spike.....only those five times! Oh wait, and that other time when I put that powder in his blood and he got all horny. I didn't know it would do that! Just those six then. Spike/Buffy....how dare you! Never, ever, ever! Buffy/Dru.....that's revolting! Spike/Xander....excuse me? Spike/Oz....I'm allergic to dogs! Spike/Giles......EWWWWWWWWWW!"
"Let's read Spike/Angel," one of them said calmly.
Spike looked at the stories.
"Hey, that's bullshit!" he squawked "We never did it like that! Anyway, that makes it sound like we did it more than six....oh no wait, there was that other time when I was really drunk and got into bed with him and he took advantage of my weakened state...Okay, we never did it more than seven times!"
There was a strange pop and Spike was standing at the cliff edge again. He could no long smell the sun and realised that it had to be an hour before sunrise, like the PTB's had said.
WELL LITTLE VAMPIRE? the voice asked.
"Oy you, less of the little!" Spike yelled "I've got more fans than you! I've got fans!"
He turned and ran down into the town yelling "I've got fans! I've got faaaaaaaans!"
"Spike, what are you doing?"
The Slayer was glaring at him. Spike grabbed her and spun her round.
"I've got fans, Slayer! Everyone loves me! I'm popular! I've got fans! Even if some of them are twisted fools who think I'd shag the Watcher! But never mind cause I've got fans!"
He turned and ran of again, happily singing. Buffy stared after him.
"What?"
Then Spike rushed back.
"Oh and do you have any Doctor Who videos? I need to see a character called Jamie."
"Why?" Buffy asked.
"I need to know if he's good looking!" Spike explained "If I'm shagging him, he'd better be! Maybe Giles has some. But I still don't want to shag him!"
He ran off again.
"Shagging who?" Buffy asked, in deep confusion. She followed Spike, wondering if the vampire had finally lost his marbles.
From up on the cliff top, Angel looked at Wesley.
"Well that was a good spell," he said "We should thank the Powers That Be for letting us cast it."
He noticed Wesley was staring at him.
"What?"
"Seven times?" Wesley asked.
Angel blushed.
"No more than seven! Oh no wait, there was this time where this Slayer locked us in a cage and we thought we were going to die so we decided to shag and then Darla and Dru caught us....well, eight times then."
Wesley groaned and shock his head. When the Powers That Be had summoned them, given then a spell that would mean the Power could interfere somewhat and stop Spike killing himself, he'd decided Angel would need some help and gone along. Now he was regretting it. A lot. He'd learned a few things that he'd never wanted to know.
Including that fact that somewhere in another dimension, some strange twisted person had written Angel/Wesley fic.
"And then there was the time where we were both doped up and didn't really know what we were doing...." Angel mused "Nine times then."
From far off down in Sunnydale, Wesley could hear a faint voice trilling "I have faaaaaannnnnnnns!"
The End.
Note - No offence intended for people who write/read Angel/Wesley or Spike/Giles. I just don't like those pairings. But each to his or her own. If you must take offence, don't bother to flame me as I will laugh hysterically at you for bothering. I also hope I did a fair representation of all the pairings out there. I named the ones I see most often (or that simply stuck in my mind!)
By Starrysapphire.
Disclaimer - Joss owns Buffy and the people I mention own themselves. Not that any of them are based on real people of course....Oh and Jamie McCrimmon is owned by Gerry Davis with thanks to various other script writers and Frazer Hines.
Setting - A sort of alternate version of Doomed.
Spike stood at the top of Sunnydale cliffs, staring out over the town. He'd heard the Slayer mention that Angel had tried to kill himself up there once, only it had started snowing and he'd lived.
Well, no risk of that, this time.
Spike was sick of it. He was sick of being unable to kill things, of being in the Slayer's debt, of not having Drusilla with him, of sleeping in Xander Harris' basement, of wearing Xander Harris' horrible clothes. He just wanted it all to end. The sun would be rising any minute now. Any minute.
Any minute.
Any....
"Hey!" Spike said out loud "Where'd the sun go?"
TIME HAS STOPPED.
Spike nearly fell over the edge of the cliff.
"What? Who's that?" he said, looking around "Where are you?"
EVERYWHERE.
"Is this some clever trick by some religious freaks?" Spike asked suspiciously "Because you won't convert me! I'm evil and I think all that God stuff's a load of crap! Are you trying to convert me?"
NO CHANCE OF THAT LITTLE VAMPIRE the voice said, sounding amused.
Spike clenched his fists.
"Look, who ever you are, just fuck off will you?" he said. He didn't feel up to talking to.......whatever this was.
WE ARE THE POWERS THAT BE.
"You're the 'what'?" Spike demanded. He thought he'd heard Buffy mention the Powers That Be. Angel worked for them or something.
YOU CANNOT KILL YOURSELF LITTLE VAMPIRE the voice said NOW IS NOT THE TIME.
"Look here," Spike said, turning round again, trying to see who he was talking to "It's none of your bloody business what happens to me and I'll do what I bloody well......argk!"
Spike suddenly realised that he was no longer standing on the cliff top. He was standing high up in space, looking down at the earth.
LOOK AT IT. WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO LEAVE THAT? the voice asked.
"If you're so all powerful, how come you don't know?" Spike demanded.
He was positive that he heard the whatever-it-was sigh in exasperation.
IF YOU CHOOSE LIFE, WE WILL TAKE YOU BACK TO AN HOUR BEFORE THE SUNRISE.
Then there was a small popping sound and Spike got the feeling of having been thrown violently up in the air and then landing in the exact same place without having moved a muscle.
"Stop that!" he yelled furiously "Just put me back down will you?"
YOU MUST SEE. WE SHALL GIVE YOU A REASON TO LIVE.
Spike felt himself being gently lowered. But not towards America. Towards England.
"Look, exactly what are you doing?" he asked "What if I don't a reason to live huh? What if I just want to die?"
YOU ARE NO LONGER IN THE SAME DIMENSION YOU WERE A MOMENT AGO. YOU WILL NOW SEE A REASON TO LIVE.
Spike scowled.
"What gives you the right to pick innocent - well all right, not so innocent - vampires up and plonk them down in other dimensions?" he asked sulkily.
WE ARE THE POWERS THAT BE the reply came.
"That's not a bloody answer!" Spike yelled "Christ, I can't believe Angel works for you puffs? Do you do this to him often? You're the bloody good guys and I'm evil!"
There was no reply and Spike suddenly realised he was in direct sunlight only nothing was happening. He also realised he was heading straight towards a solid roof.
"Hey!" he shouted "This is going to hurt!"
But it didn't. Instead he went straight though the roof and into a bedroom and landed gently on the floor. Spike instantly noticed that there was girl on the bed with a laptop on a tray.
DO NOT FEAR, SHE CANNOT SEE OR HEAR YOU.
"Who's afraid?" Spike asked, hiding a small tremor in his voice.
LOOK AROUND YOU.
Spike did. Then he did a wild double take. Right beside the girl was a poster of him!
"That's me!" he squawked "Being extraordinarily good looking if I do say so myself." He slowly looked around more "And there......and there.....and there....and there.....and there....."
In fact he realised, he was on every wall except for one which was Star Wars dominated. There were pictures of the other Scoobies too, plus Angel's little helpers but there were far, far more of Spike than anyone else.
"Blast!" the girl hissed "What's the matter with this stupid lump of crap? I'm trying to write fanfiction you stupid thing and you just stop working on me?"
"Fanfiction?" Spike asked.
LOOK IN THE FOLDER.
Spike looked around until he saw a folder. He picked it up and opened it. It was filled with paper. Spike began flicking though. Familiar names jumped out at him.
"Hey this is about us! Hey here's me! Here's me doing.....hey, I'm shagging Angel!"
Spike began leaping up and down.
"Oy! Oy you! Yeah you! Whatever your name is! I have never, never, ever been with Angel! You hear me? Never! Well, except for that one time when we were both drunk.....and that other time when I was just bored stiff.....and that other time when I just needed anyone to shag and he happened to be in the same room as me......but apart from those, never ever, ever! Oh yeah, and that time when he seduced me just to make a point to Darla."
The girl blinked and glanced around her looking puzzled. For a moment she glanced straight at Spike. Then she shrugged and continued fighting her laptop. Spike put the folder down and continued looking round the room. He suddenly realised that he was being lifted up again.
"Oh no! Come on not again! I'm scared of heights!" he yelled. It was a blatant lie but he was sick of being flung around.
LIAR the voice said, sounding very human.
"I'm not!" Spike shouted "I'm not lying, it's the truth! I want my mummy!"
He was ignored. He felt himself whizz though the air and then land gently in another house. It was night here and a group of girls were sitting around in sleeping bags, giggling. A bowl of popcorn sat in the middle of them.
"So if you could date Angel, Angelus or Spike, who would you pick?" one of them was saying.
"Oh Spike, definitely," one of them said.
"But Angel's so dreamy!" another said.
"Yeah Jen, but Spike's just so cool! I mean, when he first arrived in Sunnydale? In that car with the music? It was just so, so cool!" the other girl said.
"Yeah but can you imagine a date with Spike? I mean, he'd just be wanting to bed you the whole time!" the girl called Jen said.
"There's a suffering," the other girl said and snickered.
"Well at least there'd be a chance of getting him into bed," Spike's loyal defender pointed out "Unlike Angel who while being a hunk is not at all bedable."
"Beda-what?" Spike said. The girls didn't hear him.
"All right Emmy, what about Angelus? What do you think of him?" the last girl said.
"Too inconsistent," Emmy said, shaking her head "You can never tell if he's sincere or not. He likes to play too many games."
"Where as Spike is just predictable?" Jen suggested, taking a handful of popcorn.
"No but he's more likely to tell you. You know, 'I'm gonna eat you now luv,' rather than 'Now let's just go and explore this dark alleyway?'"
"Angelus would never say that," one girl objected.
"So what do you think he said that girl, Theresa then?" Jen asked.
"Yeah well, I'd go with Angelus," the girl said.
"Sherry!" both of the other girls yelled "You've got to be kidding!"
"No way!" Sherry said "He's just cool! All vicious and funny! No moping or 'hey, why doesn't Drusilla love me anymore' there!"
Spike nearly went mad.
"What?! How dare you mock my grief! It's nothing like that! I'm gonna tear out your eyeballs! I wouldn't go on a date with you anyway you ugly little slag! Angelus indeed! I'll get him to eat you!" he bellowed, leaping up and down.
Naturally, the girls didn't react.
"Well, I'm with Angel," Jen said firmly "He's so nice! Anyway, you could moan to him about everything and he'd listen and be really sympathetic. You couldn't do that with Angelus or Spike!"
"Spike's the only guy for me," Emmy said firmly.
"Well I'm not saying that Spike isn't cool," Sherry said "I think Spike's great. I just rather go on a date with Angelus."
"All right then," Emmy said, a wicked glint in her eye "Who would you rather sleep with, Angel, Angelus or Spike?"
Spike began to jump up and down.
"Me! Me!" he yelled "I'm way better than the puff! Pick me!"
"Angel," Sherry said promptly "Because then he'd turn into Angelus and you'd get to sleep with two of them!"
She was promptly pelted with popcorn. Spike tried to grab a handful to shove down her neck but his arm froze up.
"Oh, come on!" he yelled, glaring at the ceiling "Just one bit of popcorn down the neck!"
There was no response.
"Okay, I have to admit that I'd rather sleep with Spike," Jen said "I avoid Angelus at any cost. Besides, don't you think that Angelus would just be really into all those gross things like whips and stuff?"
"Well Spike's into chains," Sherry said.
"Yeah but so far whips have never been mentioned," Jen said.
"Spike's the man for me," Emmy said calmly.
"So what do you reckon he's like?" Sherry asked.
Spike suddenly realised he was being lifted into the air.
"Hey wait! No! I want to hear this! I want to see if they're right!" he wailed as he was whooshed though the air.
When he landed, it was daytime again. Some girl was lying sprawled on her bed, writing something.
"Alex! Alex, phone for you!"
Alex sprang up and went downstairs, leaving the folder open. Spike glanced round the room. Ample pictures of him again. He went over and looked at the folder.
"WHAT? What's this stuff? Who's this Jamie then? And why am I shagging him?" He flicked back a couple of pages "TARDIS? Isn't that the time machine in Doctor Who? Why exactly am I in a Doctor Who?"
THESE PEOPLE LIKE YOU the voice said. Spike swore he could hear a smirk in it's tone THEY WANT TO PUT YOU WITH OTHERS THEY LIKE.
"Well I don't care much for being paired with guys thank you. Unless they are really, really cute," Spike said.
LIKE ANGEL? the voice asked, sounding amused.
"No! Look, apart from those four times...oh and when he wanted to make some female vampire jealous so we did it in a pub alleyway, got caught by these humans and had to run away really, really fast because being gay was still illegal in those days....apart from those five times, we never, ever had sex!"
Alex came back into the room with a phone in her hand.
"Yeah, you will never guess where I'm up to now!" she was saying "Spike and Jamie again! Yeah......I know. Oh, I love Spike!"
"Thanks," Spike said cheerfully "I know I'm just wonderful in every way!"
He was lifted in the air again and plonked down. A group of kids were watching telly. Spike looked at it and then did a double take.
"THAT'S ME!" he yelled "I'm on telly!"
On the television, he was drunk and unhappy over Drusilla.
"Oh, poor Spike!" one of the girls said "I think they should just give him a hug."
"I think he should go and beat up the Chaos demon," the boy said "You know, just go and rip of it's antlers, give in numerous electric shocks and then kill it horribly."
"And after that opinion, lets just keep watching," the older girl said, rolling her eyes "I think Spike's really cute in this bit."
"Thanks," Spike said. Then he turned to the boy "Good idea that."
He was lifted again and dropped in another house where they were watching telly.
"That it Spike!" the watchers were cheering "Hit him with the crowbar! He deserves it! SP-IKE, SP-IKE!"
Spike grinned, basking with pride as he was whizzed to another house.
"SPIKE'S BACK! SPIKE'S BACK!" was the simple response "Look everyone, it's SPIKE!"
Another whoosh and he was watching two girls on a computer. Spike looked over their shoulders. It appeared to be a list of stories about him and the Scoobies. Fanfiction again he supposed. He glanced at the sides where it said Pairing.
"What's pairing?" he asked out loud.
He suddenly guessed when he saw Spike/Dru written there. He began scanning the others.
"Buffy/Angel, Willow/Oz, Willow/Xander..." he murmured "Buffy/Xander, Buffy/Cordy, Buffy/Willow, Buffy/Faith, Willow/Angel, Willow/Spike.....hey, that's never happened! Xander/Cordy, Xander/Angel.....WHAT? Angel/Doyle, Angel/Cordy, Angel/Lindsey....who's Lindsey? Angel/Kate, Angel/Faith, Angel/Wesley....." Spike coughed to show that he wouldn't dignify that with anything "Angel/Darla, Angel/Dru, Angel/Spike.....only those five times! Oh wait, and that other time when I put that powder in his blood and he got all horny. I didn't know it would do that! Just those six then. Spike/Buffy....how dare you! Never, ever, ever! Buffy/Dru.....that's revolting! Spike/Xander....excuse me? Spike/Oz....I'm allergic to dogs! Spike/Giles......EWWWWWWWWWW!"
"Let's read Spike/Angel," one of them said calmly.
Spike looked at the stories.
"Hey, that's bullshit!" he squawked "We never did it like that! Anyway, that makes it sound like we did it more than six....oh no wait, there was that other time when I was really drunk and got into bed with him and he took advantage of my weakened state...Okay, we never did it more than seven times!"
There was a strange pop and Spike was standing at the cliff edge again. He could no long smell the sun and realised that it had to be an hour before sunrise, like the PTB's had said.
WELL LITTLE VAMPIRE? the voice asked.
"Oy you, less of the little!" Spike yelled "I've got more fans than you! I've got fans!"
He turned and ran down into the town yelling "I've got fans! I've got faaaaaaaans!"
"Spike, what are you doing?"
The Slayer was glaring at him. Spike grabbed her and spun her round.
"I've got fans, Slayer! Everyone loves me! I'm popular! I've got fans! Even if some of them are twisted fools who think I'd shag the Watcher! But never mind cause I've got fans!"
He turned and ran of again, happily singing. Buffy stared after him.
"What?"
Then Spike rushed back.
"Oh and do you have any Doctor Who videos? I need to see a character called Jamie."
"Why?" Buffy asked.
"I need to know if he's good looking!" Spike explained "If I'm shagging him, he'd better be! Maybe Giles has some. But I still don't want to shag him!"
He ran off again.
"Shagging who?" Buffy asked, in deep confusion. She followed Spike, wondering if the vampire had finally lost his marbles.
From up on the cliff top, Angel looked at Wesley.
"Well that was a good spell," he said "We should thank the Powers That Be for letting us cast it."
He noticed Wesley was staring at him.
"What?"
"Seven times?" Wesley asked.
Angel blushed.
"No more than seven! Oh no wait, there was this time where this Slayer locked us in a cage and we thought we were going to die so we decided to shag and then Darla and Dru caught us....well, eight times then."
Wesley groaned and shock his head. When the Powers That Be had summoned them, given then a spell that would mean the Power could interfere somewhat and stop Spike killing himself, he'd decided Angel would need some help and gone along. Now he was regretting it. A lot. He'd learned a few things that he'd never wanted to know.
Including that fact that somewhere in another dimension, some strange twisted person had written Angel/Wesley fic.
"And then there was the time where we were both doped up and didn't really know what we were doing...." Angel mused "Nine times then."
From far off down in Sunnydale, Wesley could hear a faint voice trilling "I have faaaaaannnnnnnns!"
The End.
Note - No offence intended for people who write/read Angel/Wesley or Spike/Giles. I just don't like those pairings. But each to his or her own. If you must take offence, don't bother to flame me as I will laugh hysterically at you for bothering. I also hope I did a fair representation of all the pairings out there. I named the ones I see most often (or that simply stuck in my mind!)