Anonymous said: Damn, you look so beautiful, as usual.
Anonymous said: ur tits are like, a gift. I wish I could touch them.
Sexy2thebone said: you're so gorgeous, I wish I could eat you out.
I sighed at my screen. Sometimes, I wonder why I even did this. Fuck, sometimes I wonder why I even continue to do this. Granted, it was a drunk mistake. But, I guess I decided to make that drunk mistake my source of income. I mean, I need a job anyways since I quit university years ago. Guess showing my body for others was the quickest and easiest way to get payed.
I quickly answered all my questions while humming along to Lana Del Rey. In all honesty, Lana has helped me unleash the slut inside me, even though I'm a porn star for Christ sake.
After answering the questions, I turned off my laptop and put to my side. I sighed heavily and just closed my eyes.
Honestly, I didn't plan for my life to be like this.
Like any teenager who is confused about what they should do with their life, I followed what my parents said and went to university so I could become a lawyer. But after a couple years, I quit that life because I realized it wasn't for me.
That night, after being drunk out of my mind (which is a frequent occasion I might add) I ended up making a porn account and published my first porn video of me masturbating to my favorite vibrator.
I forgot about it 'till a couple weeks later, when I got a check for $300 dollars in the mail for that video.
After that, I ended up making it my full time job. Granted, I'm basically disowned from my family and all my friends don't want to be around me anymore because "they refuse to be friends with a slut", and I also can't go outside anymore without being harassed by every fuckboy known to man. But, it helps me stay alive in the busy city of London.
I sighed again and grabbed my laptop, checking one last time for messages before I log off and possibly making a new video.
Once my laptop woke up, I notice a new message. It was a fan mail message, which is very rare.
Uh, hi. My name is Philippa, I've been watching your videos and been following your blog for a while and I actually find you really cool. I was wondering if we could talk and maybe be friends. If you don't, that's cool, I understand. Sorry for the bother. -AmazingPhilippa
I looked at the message and read it over and over again. This had to be a joke. No one sends me this kind of messages. Hell, I don't think other porn stars get these kind of messages.
But, since I'm nothing more than bad mistakes, I hit reply and wrote out a message.
I sat nervously outside of the cafe, waiting for Philippa to show. This was really stupid. After talking to her online for only couple days, all of a sudden I'm meeting her for coffee. Maybe I should've waited more. Fuck, I should've asked her for a selfie so I know what she looked like. But, since I'm not really the brightest, I'm sitting here waiting for Philippa to show.
I looked down and started to pick at my fingernails, this anxiety was killing me and honestly, I was in need of something ten times stronger than coffee.
"Um, hey," said someone. I looked up and saw a beautiful girl with long black hair and beautiful deep sea eyes. "I was wondering if you're Danielle?"
I snapped out of my daze, a blush creeping up my neck as I spluttered, "Yeah…yeah that's me. You must be Philippa?" She nodded her head, allowing her hair to bounce up and down. Wow, she's was too gorgeous. "Um, would you like to get that coffee now?" She asked. "Yeah, sure," I nodded and got up from my seat.
I followed her into the coffee shop, my mind far from angelic. Honestly, Philippa was just too gorgeous for me to not take home afterwards.
"And that's the story of why my parents never had any more children after me," Philippa said. I couldn't help but laugh, it was the greatest story I heard in awhile to be honest. "Hey! It wasn't all that funny!" Philippa shouted, blushing just a little. "Yeah, it was," I manage to say while catching my breath.
"Fine, if you're going to be like that, then I'm leaving," Philippa said. It was pretty obvious that it was an empty threat because Philippa wasn't moving from her seat, a small grin etching into her features. "Fine then," I said with a pout, "I guess I won't invite you over to hang out and stuff."
"Oh," Philippa purred, "what do you have in mind for this 'stuff'?" A blush swiftly found its way up my neck as I desperately attempted(and failed miserably) to shield my cheeks. Honestly, this flirtatious side of her was way too fucking hot. I swear I was about to come right then and there. "Um…I guess we can um," I mumbled, still blushing madly. I couldn't believe I just allowed someone to make me turn into putty just like that. "Well, I think we both know what you're after and I'm not opposed to that at all," she said. By then, I was already a tomato.
"Really?" I asked. She nodded. "Yeah," she said, "It's hard not to when you were practically eye fucking me this entire time."
"Uh, sorry about that," I mumbled. By now, it was hard not to actually stare at her. I was now looking at my lap, hoping this would end soon.
"It's okay," she said, "besides, I said that I wasn't opposed to it. So, how about we head over to your place now so we could have some fun." I nodded quicker than was probably socially acceptable and jumped from my seat, smiling and showing her back to my place.
The walk back to my place seemed to take forever despite the fact it was only a block away. It felt that way mostly because my mind was racing a mile a minute. I had no idea how it was going to go down.
Yeah, we were going to fuck the moment we stepped inside my place, but the details seemed to fog me. Where was it going to happen? Who was going to bottom? Will it be extremely kinky or not?
In all honesty, I don't know why I'm too bothered to deal with this. Knowing how casually and sudden this was, there's no doubt that this was going to be a quick and not really time consuming thing. And right after it's done and over with, we'll probably never speak to one another again. Logically this was the most probable outcome, but the thought was kind of depressing. This girl initially wanted to be friends, but we'll probably just fuck and cut all ties in the end.
"Danielle, are you okay?" Philippa asked, snapping me out of my thoughts. I looked at her and smiled. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just got lost in my thoughts is all," I said, scratching the back of my neck. She nodded, and I continued to walk down the worn pavement.
By the time we reached the apartment complex and towards my place, I was already ridden with nerves. Deep down I was afraid somehow I'll fuck something up or the fact that Philippa and I are probably cutting ties after this.
After opening my door and ushering Philippa in, I said, "Welcome to my humble home." And after I closed the door, Philippa slammed me into it and kissed me right there.
I slowly kissed her back, still getting over my shock that she's kissing me right here. "So, are you going to show me your bedroom? " she asked after our short make out session. I nodded, honestly a little breathless, and showed her to my room.
When we got there, we both quickly got rid of our clothes and was left with nothing but our undergarments. Philippa then pushed me onto my bed and got on top of me, kissing me on my neck.
I moaned and arched my back due to the neck kisses. "You like that don't you?" Philippa asked, her voice getting low and down right sexy. I whined in response, the kiss consuming all coherent thought.
Philippa left my neck and started to kiss my collarbone and chest.
I kept moaning, honestly getting too much into it. "Please," I moaned when she reached my stomach. She laughed a little and, "Excited aren't we?" All I could do was whine in response.
She sat up a little, getting off her underwear and helping me with mine. Honestly, without anything on, she still was so beautiful.
Once we both were naked, Philippa went down between my already open legs and began slurping and licking my south like I was ice cream.
She was really good. The way she used her mouth and the vibrations she gave made me go into overdrive and moan louder than I ever have when I had sex.
"Philippa," I breathed out before I moaned again, "I'm close."
She continue what she was doing, only adding two fingers and allowing them to quickly go in and out of me.
My breathing quickened and the next thing I know, I was screaming her name as I started to orgasm.
She say up from between my legs and then lied right next to me. We both breathed heavily before sleep overtook us.
I woke up later that night to the sun about to set and to Philippa quickly getting dressed. "Hey," I said sleepily and cringing on how sleepy I sound.
Philippa turned to me with her shirt in her hands. She smiled warmly and ugh, I just melted right there. "Hey," she replied.
"You know you don't have to leave now. You can stay the night if you want," I said. She looked down and then back at me before shaking her head. "I would love to but I can't, I really overstayed my visit," she said before putting her shirt on.
"No, you haven't. I don't mind you staying I actually like you and want to see you again," I replied, sitting up and letting the blanket pool down at my lap.
She laughed quietly and said, "If you're asking me to be your girlfriend, the answer is no. I honestly can't be in a relationship right now."
My heart fell when she said that. I guess this was it. No more Philippa. I guess maybe I can message her and try to see her again.
"But," she said. I looked up at her and saw a small smile on her lips. "If you want to continue this," moving her hand around the room, "I'm down for it. But, it has to stay at a friends with benefits. Nothing more."
Suddenly a warm feeling entered my chest as I clutched the blanket to my torso. "Yeah, I'm down with that," I replied. "Awesome," she said, "Then I guess I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah, see you tomorrow," I replied as I watch her leave my room and out the front door.
I fell back down on my bed with a sigh the moment I heard the front door closed.
This could work, I thought, running my fingers through my hair. This can work out totally fine.
A week later after meeting up with Philippa, I woke up to a knock at my door. I groaned and got out of bed, slowly making my way to the door.
"I'm coming," I shouted as whoever it was knocked again. When I opened the door, I was greeted to Philippa.
"Philippa, hey," I said as I let her in, "what brings you here?"
"Sorry about the unannounced visit," Philippa said, "it's just my mom is visiting and I honestly wasn't ready to hang out with her so, I told her I was busy and made it over here before she could get ahold of me."
I pretend to be offended and asked, "So, this is what I am to you? A quick way to get away from your mother?"
She smiled and said, "absolutely not, I wanted spend another day with you and my mom visiting is a perfect excuse to do that."
"Oh," I said jokingly, "so if your mother wasn't visiting then you wouldn't want to spend time with me. That's nice, that's really-" I was then cut off by Philippa kissing me. I then kissed her back.
After we broke apart, I whispered, "bedroom?" "Bedroom," she replied and we both quickly went to my room.
"You want to know something?" Philippa asked me while she laid on my shoulder and drew shapes on my chest with her finger.
"Yeah sure," I said staring up at the ceiling and kinda zoning out. "I'm starving. Want to go out and get some pizza?" Philippa asked me as she rolled out of my bed to get some clothes on.
I chuckled endearingly. "But what if your mom finds us? Didn't you say that you don't want your mom you find you since you don't want to see her today?" I asked as I sit up.
Philippa looked at me and said, "oh crud I forgot about her." She then paced around a little and was deep in thought. During that time I decided to get dressed. Pizza was starting to sound really good.
By the time I finish getting my undergarments on and was about to put on some jeans, Philippa said, "Well, I really want pizza but I also don't want to meet my mom. Ugh, this is so hard."
I chuckled quietly and went to peck her lips. "Do you realize that there's delivery right? We can get pizza and don't have to worry about seeing your mom," I said.
"Danielle! You're a genius!" Philippa gasped as her eyes sparkled with excitement.
"You bet, inside the bedroom and out," I said as I walked into the kitchen and to the phone so I could call a place for some pizza.
"If you find a place, I would like a pizza with little cheese please!" Philippa shouted. I couldn't help but laugh at her and her strange, but wonderful, self.
By the time night fell, Philippa and I had manage to order and eat pizza, had a few more rounds of sex (because hey, we're both very horny young adults), and talked about stupid shit, we both were laying on my bed.
Philippa was laying on my chest and zoning out while I just stared at my wall thinking about everything.
"It's getting late, I should probably get back," Philippa said, looking like she's still zoned out. "You know you don't have to. My bed is always open for you to sleep in," I said.
"I don't know, I still feel like I would over do it if I spend the night," Philippa said. I looked at her, seeing that she was looking up at me.
"You're not, honestly. If you want to spend the night, just say the word and I'll make everything comfortable for you," I said, giving her a small smile.
She returned the smile and said, "well, okay. But, if I do overstay my welcome just please tell me. I don't want to over do anything."
I kissed the top of her head and said, "Promise." She then snuggled close to me and we continue to doing what we were originally doing.
By the time I decided to go do something, I looked down to see Philippa asleep. She was so cute. I honestly wished that we could do this all the time.
Honestly, I wish we could do this all the time and be more than FWB when we do this.
I wish we could hold each other and kiss and it meant something more. I wish we could make love instead of fuck. I wish she would be by my side all the time. I wish she could live here or I live at her place. I wish we could be this typical romantic couple and love every moment of it because it's us being this typical romantic couple.
I sighed quietly and started to run my fingers through her hair, thinking about a relationship with someone who I know doesn't feel the same way as me, or at least won't be in a relationship with me for some reason.
I fell asleep that night thinking about this and knowing I'm just wishing for something that will never happen, or will never happen while we're both alive.
Wow, I'm really starting to fall for her hard, aren't I?
Weeks past ever since we first meet and honestly, we've gotten closer than I could ever imagine.
We're so close that we practically know each other like the back of our hands. Plus, our sex was beyond amazing, always better than the last.
Plus, Philippa has even helped me make videos for my work. Which is great, even though it feels like fucking a really good stranger since she has to cover her face so she does get fired from her job for helping me make porn.
But, as all good things happen, a downfall must occur. That downfall is that everyday I feel like I'm falling more and more in love with Philippa.
Which doesn't really help since she still wants to keep this as a just friends thing, for reasons beyond me, I'm sure.
"Philippa harder, please harder," I moaned out as Philippa continues to repeatedly push the dildo in and out of me.
I groaned out louder as Philippa continue to push it in harder. A spew of curses strung heavily from my mouth. Then, I screamed out her name and more curses as I came all over the dildo.
I laid there heavily as Philippa removed the dildo from inside of me and put on the nightstand to lay next to me.
"Do you want me to help you out?" I asked when I caught my breath. She shook her head and said, "no, it's fine." I nodded at her before looking up at the ceiling.
Then, the next thing I know, I say out loud, "you know, I really like you, like a lot. Can we maybe be a thing instead of just being Friends with Benefits?"
I looked over at Philippa and see her staring at me with huge concerning eyes. "I…I…" she stammered before jumping out the bed and quickly putting on her clothes.
I sat up and asked, "Philippa, are you okay?"
"I can't do that," she replied as she put on her shirt hastily, "I can't be your girlfriend, I really can't. I'm sorry."
Once she had everything on, she rushed to the front door and slammed it closed.
I just stared at the bedroom door, wondering what the fuck just happened.
The next day after the incident, I called her and just got her voicemail. After multiple times of getting just voicemail, I left her a message.
"Hey Philippa it's me, Danielle," I said, "I wanted to say sorry for what I did and I hope I can be forgiven. Again sorry and please call back."
I hung up and sighed, waiting for her to call. I never got a call back that night.
Everyday for at least two weeks, I called her and left messages, hoping that she would call back. She never did.
So one day, I decided to go to her place. To you know, make sure she's okay since she hasn't been answering any of my billion calls.
The air was cool and crisp when I walked outside, signaling that fall was going to happen which made me a little happy. Autumn has always been my favorite season. It comforts me when the leaves change color to delicate browns, cackling yellows, brave reds, and hasty oranges decorating the otherwise bland ground. The smell of pumpkin sets me alight and seeing strangers and friends alike adorned in scarves and sweaters makes me feel like I'm not alone anymore. The light wisps of wind carrying the laughter of friends making fun of scary movies together wrap me with a sense of joy. All of it makes me feel home.
Grinning a little in solace, I held my light jacket close to my body and I walked over to her place, which thankfully was just a couple blocks away.
When I finally reached her place, I knocked on her door. When she didn't answer, I turned the knob to see that it was unlocked. Hesitantly, I opened the door and walked inside with light steps.
"Philippa," I said as I closed the door behind me. "Philippa, it's me Danielle." I said as I walked around her apartment. The only response I got was silence. "Philippa I know you're home. Please tell me where you are," I replied as I walked to her room.
When I got to her room, I looked in to see her sitting by the window smoking a cigarette. She turned to me as she took a drag, her eyes lifeless.
"Hey," she said quietly as she blew out smoke. "Hey," I replied as I walked over to her. I walked over and sat down next to her as she took another drag and put her cigarette butt in her ash tray.
"You haven't been answering my calls," I said, "can you please tell me why?" I watched her shrug and say, "A lot has been going on recently. I couldn't find time or energy to call back," she said as she continued to look out her window, her chin resting in her upturned palm.
"This doesn't have to do with me asking you to be my girlfriend does it?" I asked her. "No," she said quietly.
"Okay," I said slowly, honestly not buying any of this. "Then can you please tell me why you freaked out the way you did?"
Philippa looked at me and then away, shaking her head. "I.. can't," she said, "you'll leave me if I told you."
I looked at her confused and said, "No I wouldn't. I would never leave you. Just please, please tell me why. I'm so confused.."
"But I honestly can't. I just can't. You'll leave me and I'll be feeling awful again and I can't do that. Not again," she said as tears started to form in her eyes. Not again? Has this happened to her before?
I grabbed a hold of her hand and said, "Whatever it is, I won't leave you. I want to help you. Just please Philippa, tell me what's wrong?"
She shook her head, "I can't."
"Yes you can."
"No! I can't! I just can't. Once I tell you, you'll think I'm a fuck up and an awful person and never speak to me again," she shouted as tears began to well and fall from her eyes.
I held her close as she continued to cry. "Whatever it is, I promise to stay by your side. I won't leave you. Just please Philippa, tell me what's wrong."
"Okay," she said as she sat up as wiped her eyes. She took a shaky breath and began her story.
It was around the time I was in high school. I was probably 16. Of course I was young and naïve so I would always get myself into the worse of things.
It was nearing Thanksgiving break when a girl in my English class name Sarah asked me out.
I wasn't going to say no. I mean, a cute girl asked me out. Also, at that time I finally came out as a lesbian and where I live, there wasn't a lot of lesbians.
And it was great at first. We would hang out before and after school. We would call each other and talk 'till ungodly hours in the night. We were the cute little lesbian couple of the town.
And worse part is, I loved her. She was my first in everything. I gave her my first kiss, first relationship, fuck, I even lost my virginity to her. And I loved her and that was my mistake in all of this.
It was a little over a year since she asked me out and we were still going strong in the relationship. She started to get really abusive.
Everything I did had to be with her or had to be approved by her. Anything I did that she didn't like, I ended up crying because she made me the bad guy in the end. I lost all my friends because of her. My relationship with my parents started to fall apart because every minute of every day I was with her somehow and I couldn't get a break, not even for a second.
My life was falling apart because of her and all I could do was stay in this relationship and hope this would all go away.
I remember weeks later, I was at school. Sarah wasn't at school, claimed that she was sick. So, instead of going to her house to check on her, I said that I was staying after for school work. All I did was walk around the school yard.
I then stumbled across some of our school's druggies, getting high in the back of the school, far away from the teacher's praying eyes.
I remember one of them saw me and asked, "you want some?" I wanted to say no and walk away but, I couldn't. I really really couldn't.
I remember taking the joint and taking a couple hits, not enough to get fully high but enough to feel something.
And honestly, I felt alive. I haven't felt the way I did then in a while, probably way before Sarah got so attached.
I stay with them for hours and when I did finally go home, it was already dark and I reeked of weed.
After that, my life went into a downward spiral after that. When ever I could manage to get away from Sarah, I would hang out with the druggies and get high or something. Sometimes, I would go to some parties and get drunk or high or sometimes both.
Eventually Sarah caught on to what I was doing. I remember every time we fight, she claimed she would leave me if I don't sober up.
And we both knew that was bullshit. She would never leave me and I was too far gone to quit this source of happiness I was finally getting.
Eventually, it got to my head that I was going to be stuck in this toxic relationship forever and then I got depressed.
I remember one night, I was beyond drunk off my ass and my parents weren't home. It really hit me hard that I couldn't leave this relationship. So, I thought the best thing to do was to take a whole bottle of NyQuil and hope it would kill me.
I remember waking up in a too bright hospital room. When I finally realize that I was still alive, I cried. I couldn't handle being with Sarah anymore and I couldn't continue my life getting off on substance every night.
When I saw my mother, I told her everything. I don't exactly how it happen but after wards, Sarah never talked to me again and I heard she dated someone else soon after.
As for me, I was put on some pills, to keep myself from trying to kill myself again. My parents also put me in some center, to help with my addiction.
By graduation, I was finally better and had my life back on track. Well, mostly.
"And that's why I can't be anyone's girlfriend, I'm afraid that they would end up like Sarah and I would get bad again. I really can't get bad again, I really can't."
I stared at Philippa as she told she finished telling her story.
I couldn't believe it honestly. Philippa couldn't be with anyone because of a bad relationship years ago. I mean, I wouldn't blame her, if I had a girlfriend like Sarah I would be wary of dating people too.
"Now that I told you this, do you still promise to stay by my side? I really like being your Friend with Benefits," Philippa said.
I stared at her while she starts to cry a little. I then brought her into a hug and said, "Don't worry, I won't leave you. I'm sorry about your past and I promise to never ask you to be my girlfriend again. I'll still be your Friend with Benefits for as long as you want."
She then started to cry and hold me tightly. I held on to her and lightly kissing her forehead until she stopped crying.
Eventually, it got even darker and I decided to just stay with Philippa since she didn't seem to want to be alone tonight.
We spent that night in her room. With me screaming out her name over and over again and Philippa giving quick, and quite cute pants.
After finishing two rounds, we laid on her bed, sweaty and gleaming with post sex glow.
Philippa fell asleep curling next to my side while I laid my head on top of hers. I fell asleep soon after, savoring every moment I had with her.
That's what FWB are for.. Right?
The sun was setting by the time I heard a knock at my door. I sadly put down my half eaten pizza slice and tossed off my blanket.
"Coming!" I said as I got up and answered the door. Turns out, it was Philippa.
"Philippa, hey," I said as I open the door wider and let her in, "what are you doing here?"
"I just wanted to stop by and see if you wanted to drink or something," she said, holding up a plastic bag of alcohol, "I mean, you don't have to is you don't want to, just wondering."
"No, I don't mind. Here, let me go get some glasses while you go get comfortable," I said as I walked to the kitchen to get some glasses. "Okay," I head Philippa say as footsteps lead to the couch.
Two hours later and one bottle of Vodka gone, Philippa and I were beyond drunk.
"So," I slurred, "want to go to the bedroom and continue to have some more fun?" To be honest, one thing I hated about me being drunk (minus the fact I always make bad decisions) is the I get even more horny than I usually do.
Philippa giggled a little and said, "Are you sure? I mean, we're both a little too drunk to actually think clearly. Plus, one of us might puke and I don't think puking is all that sexy when you're fucking. But, I don't know, people have their kinks."
I crawled over to her and whispered in her eye, "I'm 100% sure that I would love to have you fuck me. Plus, I have a trash can in my room, we can use it if need be. And you never know, maybe puking might be kinda sexy."
Philippa giggled again and push me away. "Ew, no thank you. I rather wait 'till we're sober up before we have some fun," she said, still giggling.
A pout forms on my vodka stained lips. "Aw, you're so mean."
"I might be mean but, it's for the best for us both."
We then continue to sit on my living room floor, giggling at all the stupid things we kept on saying. When we both started to settle down, I looked at Philippa and said, "You know what I wanna do right now?"
"No, what?" Philippa asked, looking straight at me.
"No," I whined, "you gotta guess."
Philippa sighed and said, "Um, you wanna fuck?"
"That's true," I said, "but that's not what I wanna do."
"Then what do you want to do?" She asked, her tone suddenly serious.
I looked at her and said, "I really want to fight that Sarah chick. Like, she hurt you and I really care about you and people who hurt people I care about, I want to fight them."
The room filled with silence as I watch Philippa's face drop a little and genuinely look beyond upset. But, since I was too drunk to actually to realize my mistake, I asked, "awh, why do you look upset?"
She turned away from me and said, "It's nothing. I'm fine. Hey, do we have any alcohol left? I'm dying to have something else to drink."
I pouted and said, "Philippa, you're upset. Why are you upset?"
"I'm not upset."
"Yeah, you're really upset. Like, about to cry and shit upset."
"No, I'm not. I'm a-okay."
By then, I rolled onto her and said, "Philippa, you look really upset. You can tell me, I'm your friend. Friends help make friends better."
She looked at me and down at her lap. "Well," she started, picking at her nails, "I don't really think it's a good idea to fight her."
I furrowed my eyebrows at her. "What do you mean? She hurt you. The only good thing to do back is hurt her too," I said.
"It's best not to. What's done is done. We don't need to bring back the past," Philippa whispered.
"But, she hurt you!" I exclaimed, "she hurt you and deserves to be hurt back!"
"No, she doesn't, Danielle!" Philippa shot back at me, "she doesn't need to get hurt. Just let it go!"
I stared at her for awhile, honestly so surprised at what she was saying. I then glared at her and said those words that I know I'm going to regret when I'm sober.
"You still like her, don't you?"
"What the fuck are you talking about? Of course I don't like her! In case you have forgotten, she fucking abused me Danielle! Abused!" Philippa roared at me.
"Well," I said, "if you don't like her anymore then why the fuck are you so against me giving her what she deserves? It's pretty obvious that you still like her."
"I don't!" Philippa screamed, jumping up, "I like you instead. Why the fuck do you think I'm still hanging out with you, huh? It's because I like you."
I was taken back by her words. "Well," I said, "if you like me so much, why don't you just date me? I've been trying for months to get you to like me and all you do is push me away."
"It's because I'm afraid! I'm afraid okay?!" Philippa said, "I'm afraid one of us will be just like Sarah and I can't let that happen again. I just got better and accepted my past. If that happens again I damn well know that I'll never forgive myself for it, especially if it's with you."
I was fuming now. Actually fuming. I know that this shouldn't anger me at all but it is. I'm drunk and can't think logically so now I'm seeing red and actually ready to punch something, or someone.
"Get out," I gritted through my teeth, "get the fuck out of my flat now and never come back. I don't need you in my life at all. Just go."
Philippa then started to tear up, but she got up, grabbed her stuff and rushed out of the my place, slamming the front door in the process.
I screamed, reaching for the other bottle of vodka. Hey, maybe if I drink enough of this maybe I don't have to remember any of this bullshit. And I continue to think that as I hugged down the bottle.
I woke up the next morning with my head to the toilet bowl and with a killer headache. I groaned before my stomach decided it would be a swell idea to just dump all its content (and of course bile) into the rocket bowl.
When I finish puking, I groaned again before flushing and getting up to brush the taste of puke out of my mouth.
When I actually left the bathroom, I remembered Philippa was here. "Philippa," I said walking around. My response, nothing but dead silence. The next couple minutes were filled with me calling her name and getting no response whatsoever.
Oh, maybe she went home, I thought as I walked to my phone and see if she texted me or anything. Turned out, she did.
I open my message to see a couple of texts from her saying.
Look, I get you're drunk af right now but, the fact that you said that kinda hurt me and the least you can do is apologize.
Okay, what my last text message from you was kinda hurtful and I'm sorry. Can you please message me and maybe we can work it out?
Danielle, I'm sorry everything. I know you and trust you too much to know that you won't be like Sarah and I know deep down I won't either. Just, please message me back.
The last message I got from her was simply, Danielle, please respond, I need you.
And when I thought I could forget what happened last night, it came back and hit me like a freight train. How Philippa and I fought about a stupid thing I said to me telling her to get out of my flat and that I never wanted to see her again.
Everything came back and honestly, I was still upset about it all.
And I decided to do the most dumbest thing I could do right now. I deleted her messages and dropped my phone of the coffee table and walked to my kitchen to get breakfast and find a way to get rid of this killer hangover.
It has been a week since that one drunken night and Philippa and I still haven't made up. Wishing that time frame, Philippa has left countless of messages, hoping that I would call back or something.
While I continue to make more porn and to talk to random strangers to get my mind off of her.
I mean, I realize that this is was all my fault. If maybe I didn't say those stupid things, maybe if I didn't tell to leave, we would be on talking terms.
But, I realize that we also would just still be friends and that I wouldn't have known that Philippa actually likes me.
And that's what bothers me.
She likes me, Philippa Lester, my FWB for months, actually likes me. My feelings towards her was actually mutual and that made me happy. But, the fact she struggles with actually expressing those feelings to me is what's bothering me.
I mean, I understand that she's struggling with her feelings. I mean, the last time she loved someone, that someone ended up fucking Philippa up to a point she almost killed herself.
I sighed and laid down on my bed, looking up at the ceiling. Honestly, this was too much. I was being a huge dick to her right now and I should just talk to her but I'm not.
I just laid there and stared at the ceiling 'till I felt my phones vibrate. I looked down to see some random guy I was talking to message me asking me what's up (and no doubt asking for nudes and/or sext me).
I sighed again before grabbing my phone and starting to entertain him.
I woke up one morning to a knock at my door. Well, actually more of a banging. "Danielle, it's me Philippa, please open up," Philippa said.
Right then and there I felt my face turn white. She shouldn't be here, I honestly wasn't ready to talk all this out with her yet. I really, really, really wasn't ready.
She continued to bang on my door and call for me, hoping I would answer. I just laid on my bed and hoped she would go away.
Eventually, the banging ceased but I was still afraid she would still be there.
"Danielle, I know you're in there, I know you remember? Just please open the door and talk to me, please."
I continue to just lay in bed.
"Okay fine," I hear her, "I'll leave now. If you want to talk, you know where I'll be."
It felt like hours past even though it was really only a few minutes. I still continue to lay here, too afraid that if I move, Philippa would barge in here and fight me or something.
Eventually, I got out of bed and slowly moved around my place, still too afraid of Philippa returning.
Its been weeks since Philippa came knocking at my door and honestly, I was still too afraid to talk to her.
And let me just add, she won't quit. Since she came to my place, she would nonstop call me and message me trying to get in contact with me. Hell, even a couple of times she came back and try to get me to open the door.
And every time she try to get in touch with me, I would ignore her.
Honestly, I realize this was getting old. It was time for me to talk to her and work this out. And maybe, after we talk this out, we would actually maybe be in that relationship that I wanted to be in since I first met her.
But, that won't happen unless I talk to her and apologize for it all.
And sadly I can't do that. Even though I realize this and know what I should do to fix it, I simply can't talk to her.
Honestly, I think deep down I refuse to talk to her was because of how much of an idiot I was to say all those things and just resurfacing that night wasn't settling too well with me.
But, regardless of why I refuse to speak to her, I wasn't speaking to her and that truly was making me the huge dick I was now.
And that was being one of my downfalls.
It was late one night and I was sitting next to my bedroom window, with a cigarette in my hand.
I honestly wasn't a smoker, I rarely smoked but, after awhile of this whole, "I refuse to talk to Philippa" thing I stared up.
I sighed and looked out my window and took a drag. As much as I don't care for smoking, it was really soothing me right now.
"Since when did you start smoking?" someone asked.
I jumped out of my skin and started to spill every curse word out of my mouth when I heard the voice. I turned around to see Philippa.
"How did you get in here?" I asked, not breaking eye contact with her as I took another drag.
"Your door was unlocked so I let myself in," she said, slowly moving towards me. I nodded and looked out my window.
"You didn't answer my question," Philippa said, taking a seat on my bed, "since when did you start smoking?"
"Couple weeks after that night," I said, crushing my butt into the ash tray. I heard her say 'oh' and then silence.
And that's what we did for a while, sit near each other in complete and utter silence.
"So," Philippa said slowly, "do you want to talk about that night?" I looked up at her when she asked me this.
"In all honestly no," I said, "but, looks like I really don't have a choice, huh?"
Philippa slowly nodded and I sighed.
"Okay," I started, "I'm sorry to saying all that stuff. We both know that I was drunk and wasn't really thinking clearly but, that doesn't really excuse for what I said. I'm sorry for hurting you and I'm sorry for genuinely being a dick to you for awhile now."
"It's okay, I forgive you," she said, giving a small smile. I couldn't help but smile back a little.
"So," Philippa said, "are we okay now?"
"Not yet," I said. She looked at me before I continued, "that night, you admitted to liking me. Do you still feel the same way about me? Do you want to continue our FWB or do you finally want to actually have a relationship?"
She looked at me and then down at her lap. "Honestly, I don't know. I mean, I thought about this a lot but I still don't know," she said, "I mean, I want to be with you. I don't want to keep doing this FWB with you forever. But, I still have that nagging feeling that maybe, just maybe one of us will be like Sarah and I can't put myself through that again."
"I understand," I said. Deep down I was hoping that maybe Philippa would at least try to be in a relationship with but, know that she doesn't want to is okay with me. Upsetting yeah, but I'll live. I mean, It has been months since we started this whole FWB thing and I'm actually okay with it all.
"But," she said, catching my eyes, "I wouldn't mind at least trying. I mean, if I can't be in a relationship, we can always go back to being FWB."
I smiled and nodded my head, "Okay, yeah, I would love that a lot," I said as I went over to her and kissed her.
She kissed me back and for the first time, I felt love in her kiss.
Soon, our kiss became heated and next thing I know, we were on my bed, naked, and for a first time (in my humble opinion) not actually fucked, but made love.
Even though we've done this before, it felt like it was our first time. Every pant and moan was our first time. The way I twist and turn while she worked her fingers in me was like a first time.
Everything felt like it was brand new all over again and I loved every minute of it.
Soon, we were under my covers, naked and sweaty but so happy. Philippa kissed me and snuggled close to me.
"I like you," she said. I smiled at her, kissed her and said, "I like you too."
We laid there for awhile until we fell asleep. With Philippa in my arm and my cheek resting on her head.
This wasn't the first time we slept like this but it did. And I didn't want to change anything about it.
Epilogue
"Danielle," Philippa shouted at the front door, "I'm leaving for work now."
Philippa and I have been in a relationship for two years (exactly two years on this day, might I add) and we still have been going strong.
I walked over to her and kissed her on the lips. "Bye sweetie," I said, "I'll see you tonight yeah?"
She nodded and kissed me back, "Yep. See you tonight," she said and open the door, "Bye, love you."
I smiled and said, "Love you too." She then closed the door.
Ever since last year, Philippa and I decided to move in together in a bigger flat in London. I mean, we barely ever stayed away from one another. The only time we did was when she went to visit her family and I had to leave for some thing. Also, it was getting ridiculous for one of us to be paying for separate flags when we barely used them.
I sighed and smiled before I turned around and went back to our room so I could get ready for tonight.
Since it was our two year anniversary, Philippa has declared we do something special tonight. I mean, I was totally fine with just staying home and watching movies with her and having sex but she was determine that we go out and do something tonight.
After picking out a dress (which I honestly think belongs to Philippa but I don't know since we practically wear all of each other's clothes) I laid on the bed and waited for her to come home.
Usually when I don't leave the house, I usually just entertain myself or make/edit videos (yeah, I'm still in the porn industry. I mean, I'm too far in it and no doubt that I won't get hired anywhere since I've been making videos for years now).
After awhile of just laying in bed and groaning to myself because I was so bored, I got out of bed and went to the kitchen to make lunch 'cause ya know, I'm a little hungry.
After eating, I decided to lay on the couch and watch tv, hoping that maybe, just maybe, something good would be on.
I laid on the couch and flipped through the channels, landing in some sort of TV series. It was called The Dan and Phil Show, and they had matching short hair cuts and seemed to be famous youtubers or something. Weirdos. Though they look kinda familiar..
"Danielle," I heard Philippa say to me as she lightly started to shake my shoulders, "Danielle, come one wake up. We have to leave soon."
I slowly opened my eyes to see Philippa looking down at me looking so gorgeous that she put the Greek Goddesses to shame.
"Hey sleepy head," she said. I sat up and yawned a little. "What time is it?" I asked, still trying to wake up.
"It's getting close to 6," Philippa said, "we should leave around 6:30 so we won't be late."
I nodded, understanding what she's telling me and got up and went to get ready.
"Have I told you that you look beyond gorgeous?" Philippa told me as she drove to our destination.
I laughed a little and said, "Yeah, you have. Multiple time to be exact."
"Okay good," Philippa said, quickly glancing at me before she looked back at the road, "as long I have told you multiple times."
I laughed a little and looked out the window. "Are you going to tell me where we're going?" I asked.
"Nope," Philippa said and I quietly groaned.
Philippa still refuse to tell me where we were going and quite honestly, I wasn't feeling it. I mean, it must be very nice since we both looked really good and we were driving, which we actually never do unless we go visit someone or if we're going somewhere far away. I sighed and continued to look out the window.
It's was already dark out, only the lights of the passing cars give off a little light on the surrounding area. But God, it was so beautiful. And maybe I'm only saying it because I was so happy about today and was so happy that I was with Philippa but, everything was so beautiful and I was so in love with life.
A few more minutes in the car and Philippa parked. I looked around to see nothing, only the grass that the headlights showed.
"So," I said slowly, "where exactly are we?"
"I thought maybe we can something really cute and have like a nighttime picnic with stargazing," Philippa said, "unless you don't want to that is."
I smiled at her and then gave her a peck. "Of course I want to do this," I said, "this is so sweet of you Philippa."
It was now her turn to smile and she kissed me back. "I'm glad you like it," she said before undoing her seat belt and getting out of the car, "Now, come on. The stars won't be gazed upon themselves."
I smiled and shook my head before getting out of the car. Honestly, I'll never know how I managed to have such a wonderful girlfriend like Philippa.
After a couple of hours of eating food and looking up at the stars, Philippa and I were now cuddling in the picnic blanket making corny jokes and laughing about stupid they sound.
"Okay," Philippa said, "even though this is our two year anniversary, there's another reason why I did something so cheesy and romantic like this."
She then untangled herself from me and caused us both to sit up.
"What is it?" I asked her. Honestly, I was thinking she wanted to breakup with me or something.
"Uh, well," she started, getting really flustered, "it's been three years since we meet and uh, I loved every moment of it being your Friend with Benefits and then your girlfriend."
I looked at her curiously and started to get nervous. Deep down inside I knew she was going to end it here, I just know it.
"And I actually want to spend more years with you," she continued, "but, uh, I want to spend it with you as wife and wife. I'm trying to say, Danielle, will you marry me?"
Relief spread through me and I started to cry. "Yes!" I shouted, "yes I will. Oh god, I will!" I threw my arms around her and kissed her deeply. This was so perfect and so right. I was beyond happy to spend more of my life with Philippa, especially as her wife.
She kissed me back and we stayed like that, kissing and loving every moment we had with each other. Soon, everything got so instead I broke away from her and whispered, "Car. Now, please."
We then got up and quickly grabbed everything and rushed to the car to put everything away and to (hopefully) get in soon.
We did manage to put everything in the trunk but, we didn't make it home.
We both ended up making love in the back seat, with us screaming each other's names.
Afterwards, we ended up laying in the backseat for a little bit. Naked and cold but curled up with one another and loving everything about it.
"Have I told you lately that I love you?" Philippa asked me when we both decided to get dressed so we could go home and cuddle (and hopefully have sex) more.
I laughed a little and said, "Yeah, you have. Have I told you that I love you?"
"Yeah, you have now that you mention it."
I smiled and kissed her nose, before grabbing my clothes and throwing them back on.
The car ride was silent. It was a peaceful silence. But a silence nonetheless.
It was good thing too, it helped me collect my thoughts about what has happened.
Philippa proposed to me like, actually proposed. After three years of knowing each other and two of them spent being with her and now look at us, we're now going to get married and shit. Honestly, if you told me this three years ago, I would've laughed in your face 'cause that would've been the most ridiculous thing I could have ever heard.
But it happened, and I'm so thankful that it did.
"What are thinking about?" Philippa asked me and she slid one of her hands into mine. I grabbed it and replied with, "Nothing really. Just thinking."
We were then silence, holding each other's hands and enjoying each other company.
When we got back, Philippa told me to get ready for bed while she grabbed everything. As much as I wanted to help, I was beyond tired after tonight's events so I went up and cleaned up for bed.
I was laying in bed when Philippa crawled in and cuddled close to me.
"I love you," she said with sleep oozing off her voice. "I love you too," I replied as I rolled over and wrapped my arms around her.
We stayed this way in silence for awhile before I heard Philippa's breathing even out. I smiled a little and kissed her head.
Honestly, I couldn't have asked for a better life than what I have now. And I fell asleep thinking about that sentence over and over again.
The End