This is 100% pwp crack-fic. You have been warned!
Disclaimer: I do not own OUAT.
Nag, Nag, Nag
"Do you have to be so nit-picky?" Emma complained as she glared at Regina.
"Do you have to be such a child?" the brunette countered.
"Well, that's how you're treating me."
"Because that's how you're behaving. Honestly, Henry is more mature than you at times." Regina rolled her eyes when Emma stuck out her tongue. "I rest my case"
"Whatever. Can we just get on with this?"
"I am trying to, dear. You're the one who can't seem to focus for more than a few minutes."
"It's hard." Emma whined.
"Of course it's hard. It's magic, not sitting in your tin can, drinking stale coffee and waiting for something to happen. Now concentrate!"
"You know, you're really starting to piss me off."
"Good, maybe we'll actually manage to accomplish something today." Regina smirked. "Focus."
Emma rolled her eyes but turned her attention toward the object on the table. Her mind wandered, though, as she thought about Regina's constant carping. It was as if the woman was not happy unless she was criticising someone. Emma wondered if she even realised what she was doing. Maybe one day she'd show her just what kind of a nag she was. She couldn't help giggling as the thought played in her head but stopped abruptly when she heard a strange noise behind her. Oh crap, she thought, closing her eyes against reality. She really didn't want to turn around, not even when she felt a hard object hit the back of her head. She did, however, turning slowly and cracking one eye open. They shot wide when she saw just what awaited her and she bit her lip. She'd actually turned the other woman into a horse.
"Um, Regina?" she questioned the creature even though she knew exactly who it was. When the horse whinnied angrily, Emma took a step back. Regina was gonna kill her. Could this get any worse?
"Mom!"
Double crap, Emma thought when she heard the front door slam. She looked at the horse...er, Regina for help but she only glared harder. She hadn't even known horses could glare. Before she could so much as squeak out a response, Henry came skidding into the room.
"Whoa!"
"You got it, kid." Emma remarked and Regina nudged her roughly.
"Um, is that...I mean, how did...Where's Mom?"
Regina whinnied angrily and Henry's eyes widened.
"Ma, you didn't!"
Regina snorted, stomping her foot for emphasis.
"Oh, she's gonna kill you." Henry laughed.
"So not helping, kid."
"How did you turn her into a horse, anyway?" Henry wanted to know once his laughter subsided a little.
"I don't know. She was on my case about not focussing and I was thinking how one day I'd like to show her what a nag she is and then...this!" Regina bumped into her again and Emma spun around with her own glare. "Seriously!"
"Ma...uh, do you know how to turn her back?"
"If I knew that, I would have done it already." Emma huffed, taking a few steps away from Regina and facing their son again. "I think I'm in deep shi-"
A loud whinny cut Emma off, causing a deep blush to work its way up her neck.
"Why don't we call Grandpa?" Henry suggested.
"David? Why?" She glanced at Regina and...did she just roll her eyes? Can horses do that? Damn, she needed a primer on horse facial expressions.
"Other grandpa." Henry rolled his eyes, and damned if he didn't look just like Regina...human Regina.
"Oh! Right, of course. Why didn't I think of that?" Emma said, digging out her phone and searching for Gold in her contacts list.
"Maybe if you stopped panicking for a second..." Henry snorted.
"Can you blame me?" Emma shot back as she put the phone to her ear. "C'mon, Gold. Answer the damn phone."
"Miss Swan." the man answered, sounding annoyed. "What can I do for you?"
"Uh, yeah. See, Regina and I were, um, practising magic and I sorta...well, she was nagging me and-"
"The point, Miss Swan,"
"Regina's a horse." Emma blurted out.
"I'll be right over." Gold told her after only a moment's hesitation, hanging up immediately.
"He said he'll be right-" Emma started to explain when Gold appeared in a mist. "Over."
"Pretty fine mess you've gotten yourself into, Miss Swan." the imp smirked.
"No kidding. How the hell do I get out of it?"
"Well, let's see." Gold's eyes scanned the room, focussing on the apple sitting on the table. "I assume Regina was attempting to teach you transmutation?"
"Uh, yeah. I was supposed to turn the apple into a pear but..."
'You got distracted and turned Regina into a horse instead." Gold finished when she trailed off. "I must say, I'm impressed."
"Huh?"
"Organic transmutation is not an easy trick to learn. It took Regina months to accomplish that one."
"Really?" Emma grinned proudly even as Regina snorted her displeasure.
"Of course, she also knew how to transform the object back to its natural state."
"Yeah, yeah. I get it. How 'bout teaching me how to do that?"
"Certainly. It's quite simple, really. Just picture in your mind the object, or Regina in this case, and focus on returning her to her original state."
"I can do that." Emma nodded, feigning confidence. What if she screwed this up? Regina could end up with a tail!
"Focus, Miss Swan." Gold commanded.
"Right, sorry." This time Emma closed her eyes, clearing it of everything except Regina. A few seconds after conjuring the image, she felt magic pulse through her.
"You did it!" Henry shouted in glee.
"I did?" Emma slowly opened her eyes and scanned the woman in front of her, relieved to note that Regina did not have a tail. She returned the brunette's angry scowl with a sheepish grin and wave. "Hi."
Regina didn't answer, continuing to glare.
"Tell me, Miss Swan." Gold inquired. "Have you learnt transportation yet?"
"No, why?"
"No reason. I wish you luck." he told her before disappearing the way he'd come.
"Uh, Regina..." Emma hopped from foot to foot. "I know what you're gonna say. I need to focus better and I totally agree. I'm sorry."
"It's all right, dear." Regina told her in a saccharine voice.
"It is?" Emma and Henry asked at the same time.
"Of course. I need to remember that you are new to this and have a short attention span."
"Yeah, thanks...I think." Emma stared suspiciously at the other woman. "I really am sorry, though."
"No matter." Regina waved her off, moving toward the kitchen. "But I think it's time for a break."
"Yeah, sure." Emma glanced over at Henry who merely shrugged. "At least you were a pretty horse."
Regina stopped abruptly and turned with an evil grin. "Better a horse than a jackass."
"Wh-" Emma didn't get to say anything more before a purple cloud engulfed her. Oh, hell no! Emma thought only to be met with a plaintive bray.
The End