Bone: Return to the Valley
Chapter One: Out Again
Phoney Bone
Another scheme in Boneville was about to be a success. It was just the right size; not so big as running for mayor again, but certainly not small and boring.
The sky was broad and blue, and the brick-paved town square was bustling with Bones.
People piled out of their concrete apartments and painted suburban houses to walk past the shops for the newest sight.
"Gather round, everyone!" I beckoned the crowds in the town square closer to me, and the ten-foot tall marble statue of myself. "See the work you paid and built as a grand finished product!" I seized the gilded cord of rope that drooped from the cloaking red velvet canvas. "Behold, a tribute to Phoncible P. Bone, one of the heroes of the Valley!" I yanked down the cord and canvas, revealing the monument of me in my spiked helmet, bearing my dagger and small, round shield in a heroic stance.
The crowds applauded, cheered, and wolf-whistled.
The red-coated school band tooted their brass horns, trombones, and tubas.
Pride inflated my chest. I really was the greatest of the Bone cousins. Fone and Phoney might be happier, but I was the high-flier of the family.
I mimicked my statue's pose. "Thank you very much, Citizens of Boneville," I bowed and strode off. "You are far too kind."
"Wait a minute!" A voice snapped. It was Mr. Hambone, the old music teacher, who turned away from the band he had conducted. "Where are you going, Mr. Bone? Aren't you supposed to pay us in return for this statue?"
I froze in place. How could they remember? My scheme was ruined. "Ah, well," I put on a tight smile. "I'll pay all of the workers as soon as I—go home and get my money!" I took off.
"He's getting away again!" Ms. Fibone the mayor yelled. "Don't let him escape!"
"Grab your signs!" More voices burst from the crowd. "We'll make sure Phoney never tricks us into another con!"
I hadn't been busted like this since the bad prune incident three years ago. That mess had sent my cousins across the desert, to a strange Valley where people used eggs as money, raced cows, and snow dropped in enormous sheets every winter. And I couldn't forget the rat creatures and that creepy Hooded One who'd wanted to use me in a ritual sacrifice.
I could either stay and face this mob, or I could run off with my cousins again and face new chaos, but also new schemes and suckers. Well, if the Valley had made me a town hero last time, what would another adventure do? It was crazy, but it might be worth it. I did need to find all that treasure Smiley threw away.
I continued my flight back to the big, fancy manor house I'd swindled for my family.
Townspeople pursued me, waving their old signs from the bad prune incident. They all bore the words EPBA: Exile Phoney Bone Again.
"I know!" I waved up at the signs. "I'm going!"
At last, the large white house with the marble steps and tall chestnut door stood before me.
I threw the door open, slammed it shut, and thumped upstairs to the parlor where Fone Bone and Smiley usually hung out. I yanked the white door open.
Fone Bone stood on the tasseled Arabic carpet and gazed out at the angry mob below.
"Well, look who renewed our attention," Smiley raised his head to me from his purple silk armchair where he sat beside Bartleby and smoked a fat cigar. "Did that scheme to make everyone build you a statue without pay not go well?"
I puffed in the doorway. "Pack your bags," I gasped. "Let's go back to the Valley."
"Will we see Thorn and Gran'ma Ben again?" Fone Bone followed me to my master bedroom and watched me bustle about, stuffing shirts and dollar bills into his leather carpet bag.
"Yes," I pulled out a suitcase and dropped dollar bills, pens, and a fat stack of papers inside it.
"And get away from your latest disastrous scheme?" Smiley looked over my head.
"You think?" I shoved down the lid of the suitcase. "I only refused to pay some guys who built my colossal Veteran of the War of the Valley statue, and folks are already toting signs about sending me out of town again!"
"How are we going to get back to the Valley?" Fone Bone backed up against the wall as I headed off with my luggage.
"Just get your things ready," I grumbled as I thumped downstairs. "We're taking the Queen of the Valley to Atheia."
Percival, Barclay, and Abbey were done with it now that they'd found Norman and Emmy. We could use it.
"Oh boy," Smiley pumped his fist. "I'm gonna go tell Bartleby to pack the freshly-baked stale bread thingies!" He dashed back into the parlor.
Not the stale bread thingies. They'd given me more than enough trouble.
Soon, we all had our bags packed, and we headed down into Percival's workshop.
Percival jerked around from where he had been bent over the Queen. "What is it?"
"We're going back to the Valley!" I splayed my arms. "We need the Queen!"
"Phoney made another disastrous scheme, the fame's getting too big," Smiley waved his hand, "So, can we borrow it? Please?"
"Yes," Percival twisted in a screw. "Help me push her outside, and you can sail off to the Valley."
We gathered around it and heaved it out of the workshop, through the open door, and onto the vast lawn.
The shouts of the townspeople at the front of the house rose back to our ears.
"Exile Phoney Bone! Exile Phoney Bone!" The crowd pumped their signs.
"No, don't exile him!" Ms. Fibone called. "Kill him!"
"Yeah!" A war cry and fists rose from the crowd.
Now I was really in hot water. I climbed a rope hanging from the deck of the Queen, and my cousins followed.
I pulled open a trapdoor leading to the vast, dim wooden space below. "We'll put our bags here."
Fone Bone and I crept down a series of squat steps into the space, each of us laden with luggage, and tossed the bags in the back. When we scrambled up to the deck and shut the trapdoor, Smiley had let up the three enormous balloons and had taken the wheel.
The aerofoil slowly lifted from the grass, then above the house.
The gasps of the crowds rushed up to our ears as we sailed past our house, past the crowds, and past the town square.
"He's escaping! Again!" Ms. Fibone threw her arm up.
"Ah, forget him," Mr. Hambone loped off. "Let's just hope he doesn't come back."
"So long, Suckers!" I waved above everyone, then gave the whole town a wet raspberry. When I came back after a few months, they'd fall for my schemes all over again.
We sailed over the small houses, past the green beyond the town, and watched the land brown and shrink into the desert beyond Boneville.
"Shouldn't you have considered the trouble that would come if you didn't pay your workers for such a big project?" Fone Bone shook his head out into the hot, dry blue sky.
"Hey, a vacation of sorts will give us all a break!" Smiley spread out his arms. "Hasn't our life as local celebrities been a little too hectic lately?"
"I haven't had much quiet time to write poetry," he nodded with a shrug.
"Which is good, considering how bad it is," I rolled my eyes. "Your light chestnut hair and your smooth, brown thigh all make me feel like I'm high in the sky," I recited in a sarcastic drone. "I'm lost in a cloud in your violet-blue eyes." God, I wanted to gag. "Thorn, why did I have to say goodbye? I wish that I had stayed by your side. Don't forget me for any other guy."
"Phoney…" he gritted his teeth as red flushed to his face.
"And here's another great thing about leaving town!" Smiley broke in. "The townspeople get a break from Phoney's bad schemes and attitude. I guess creativity doesn't run in our family," he leaned against the wheel.
That was certainly true for him; he was as dull as worn scissors.
"I can't believe it's been three years since we last saw the Valley," Fone Bone gazed out.
"You really do miss Thorn, don't you?" I wanted to stick out my tongue.
"And Gran'ma Ben, Ted, the Great Red Dragon," he counted off his fingers. "Even the two stupid rat creatures."
"They're Smelly and Stinky now, aren't they?" Bartleby raised his ears.
"They definitely smelled like compost and roadkill the last time we saw them," Smiley lifted his eyes.
A thought stirred in me. The first time we came to the Valley, crazy things happened. The giant snowfall, overlarge bees, egg currency, and cow races were the least of them. "Maybe going back isn't the best idea," I tensed. "What if we get into danger again?"
"You have a point," Fone Bone sighed. "Percival told us there was an attack on the Valley from another evil spirit. Hopefully everything's all right."
Boneville was miles away now. All I could see was rock and sand.
I knew what this meant. "Here you go, before you ask," I handed Smiley a dollar bill. "We're out in the middle of the desert."
"Thanks, cuz," Smiley looked back at me before resuming his steering. "And when we go home, I know you'll give me a gold coin from one of your schemes to con all the common folk in Atheia. So, what'll it be?"
"You're thinking about another scheme?" Fone Bone gripped his head. "One just stuck us here in this aerofoil out of town!"
"Don't you think I know that?" I groaned. I was the smart one of the cousins. Not counting Percival, that is. "For once, I'm starting off slow and easy," I held up my hand. "And even legal."
"Legal?" Smiley spat out his cigar. "I didn't know you grew insane so quickly in the desert."
"Hey, we just got chased out of town again," I waved my hand. "I want us to have a place to stay for a while. Everyone in the capital city will want our autographs after we saved the kingdom, so I'm going to take advantage of that by making them pay for them. Anything criminal about that?"
Fone Bone paused. "It's not the nicest thing to do, but you won't be cheating anyone."
"Exactly!" I held up my finger. "But once I've gotten the legal money, we can come up with a real con."
"Now that's the real you," Smiley rubbed his hands together before taking the wheel again.
"Phoney," Fone Bone's mouth clenched, "Haven't you cared for anything besides your cousins and money?"
The words struck me in the chest. Hadn't I spent those hard years keeping him and Smiley safe? He ought to be grateful! I'd show him! "Of course I have," I raised my nose. "I cared enough to build that orphanage and bake those prune tarts, didn't I?"
"Even though the orphanage was on a toxic landfill and the prunes gave everyone the fast-track sallies?" Smiley gave him a countering look.
"Fine!" I threw down my arm. "I'm just saying I'm not a complete reclusive miser, all right?"
"If that's true, you could do to show it," Fone Bone raised a thin eyebrow.
I was fine as is. If there was someone else in my life—no, how could I think like that? Softening up always got people into trouble. "Anyway," I waved him off, "After I come up with a new scheme, I'll try to find all that treasure you swapped for stale bread thingies."
"But you liked my stale bread thingies, didn't you?" Smiley's face dropped.
"They weren't as good as royal jewels," my unibrow lowered.
"Okay," he slouched. "Well, I'm still surprised you're starting off safe around getting money."
"You know what can happen there," I shook my head down. "In Boneville, all I have to worry about is the angry townspeople. In the Valley, I have to worry about giant bees, rat creatures, and all sorts of evil mumbo-jumbo in addition to the angry townspeople. If I start off straightforward and fair, I can keep everyone calm so they'll buy my next scheme easily."
"And that's where the con comes in," Smiley grinned. "What do you want the first one to be? The one after you get gold from the autographs?"
The one that brought us here jumped back quickly. "I'm gonna make sure we all get statues in the square," the glorious image of my warrior statue and Smiley's silly one beside Fone Bone's hung clear in my mind.
"Yes!" He pumped his fist. "Can my statue play the banjo?"
"Sure," I gave a nod.
"Thanks," he gripped the wheel. "But you learned from this con to pay the workers, right?"
"I'll have enough autograph money for it," I swallowed the message. And I didn't want Thorn to send giant bees and rat creatures to attack me if she found out I'd conned her people. "But everyone gets a coin each."
"And they might not realize what building statues really costs," his eyes brightened.
"That's right," I pointed to him. "Then, I'll have them help me find that treasure."
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