Unspoken Thoughts
By: Holly Ann Leighton
Disclaimer: I hate this stupid thing, do you think if I owned *anything* of DC, I would be writing this story for no profit? I didn't think so…
Rating: PG-13
Category: Other/ Lost Scene from "The Longest Day"
Distribution: Capeside Diaries, CP, CDCFFA, fanfiction.net, and my own personal site. Anywhere else, ask *nicely* and ye shall receive.
Feedback: Yes, please, good or bad to- HAL_095@hotmail.com
Dedication: To my Canadian group of friends- Shane, Laura, Anna, and Serena. You guys rock! :)
Summary: This is a lost scene that happens the night of "The Longest Day" after the episode has happened. This is spilt into 3 parts from different POV's- Joey, Pacey, and Dawson.
*Note: I have some understanding from each of these character views, so that's why I decided to write this. I also think that this is one of my best pieces of work, so comments/feedback are really needed for this.
Joey
"Have you ever had one of those days that you just wish you could do all over?" This has been that kind of day. The thing is, is that I don't really know what I would have done over. I know that I would have told Dawson the truth sooner, much sooner than today. But my problem was that I didn't and still don't know what the truth is. If I had some better understanding about how I felt than it would have been easier to talk to Dawson about what I needed to. All my life my love has been towards Dawson. I never thought of Pacey as more than my sparring partner or that I would ever be in the position that I'm in now. I want to hate Pacey for that day that he kissed me, but I can't. That was the day that I woke up to something special, something so special that I can't regret it in the slightest, which is what makes everything so much harder for me. I will never stop loving Dawson, but now I feel something for Pacey. As much as I want to deny it and hope that it goes away, I know that it won't. The day he kissed me was the day he started some kind of fire inside of me and the more that I try to squelch the flame, the larger it gets. So now I'm stuck. I have Dawson, the guy that I have loved forever, who is more than a friend, he's my…soulmate. At least that's what I always thought he was. Then there is Pacey, the friend that I have that has always been there for me no matter what has happened, who now wants more than just friendship. I don't want to hurt either one of them, but that's exactly what has happened and I can't do anything about it now. No matter what I do, even now, they both are going to be mad at me. Everyone thinks it's so simple to just choose one of them and it be over, but it isn't. If I choose Dawson and not give whatever I have with Pacey a chance, then I am always going to wonder if I lost out on something that could be wonderful, exciting, and better than anything I could ever imagine it could be. If I choose Pacey, there is a chance that it won't work; I would be putting my heart, his heart, and even Dawson's heart at risk for further hurt and pain. If it doesn't work than I could lose them both as my friends and I know that can't happen. I can't live my life without them as my friends. They are everything to me, no matter what happens, I love them both in some way and everything that is happening is just tearing me up inside. I either choose safe and secure or unsure and risky. It seems so obvious when I put it like that who I should choose, but it can't be that simple. Not when every time I'm with Pacey, I feel this flood of emotions poor over me that I never want to end. When I'm with him, I want to *be* with him, but when I'm with Dawson, I feel the doubt creep up that it would be the wrong thing to do. At this point, no matter what I do, someone is going to be hurt and things are never going to be the same.
Pacey
I knew this was going to happen. Before I kissed Joey, I knew how this whole thing was going to play out. I was going to kiss her, she was going to be mad, Dawson was going to find out, and I was going to lose both of them. The part I didn't know was going to happen was that for an actual brief while, I felt like Joey was returning the feelings I had for her. I never thought she would actually take my hand that night and kiss me without any pushing. Maybe if that hadn't of happened, if I didn't think that she cared for me as more than a friend, than this whole thing would be easier for me. I'm just kidding myself though, because it wouldn't be. As much as I think it would help, I wouldn't take back the kiss she gave me for anything in the world. That one moment in time that she wrapped her arms around me and let me feel what she was feeling, almost, *almost* makes the pain I feel now bearable. I feel like the worst friend because I've destroyed my friendship with the one guy who has always been there for me, who's believed in me more than anyone in my family ever has; if we were any closer we would be blood brothers. Then there is Joey, the girl from across the creek, whom up until a year ago I never thought about romantically. I want to blame Dawson for asking me to watch over her this past school year, but I want to walk up and thank him, despite everything that has happened. I wouldn't trade anything that has happened between Joey and I these last couple of months. We became these friends that I always dreamt we would and it was better than anything I could have ever expected it to be. Then I made the mistake of falling in love with her, the most unattainable girl in the world to me and I fell for her in a way that I never thought was possible. I know that everyone is mad at me because they think I should have stopped this that I never should have let it get this far, but it wasn't in my control. I tried so hard to keep my feelings tied down, to push them aside and hope they would disappear for not just Joey and Dawson's sake, but mine as well. They didn't though, I couldn't stop thinking about her when she wasn't near by, couldn't stop rushing up to her like a white knight on a horse to save her. My palms would sweat and I would shake at the thought of her ever knowing how I felt and any thought that she felt the same way? Well, forget it, I couldn't let myself think that she could see me as anything more than the friend that I became to her. Maybe I didn't have enough confidence in myself; maybe it was the constant bantering that we had back and forth that got to me. At some point, the cut downs that we exchanged between each other felt more hurtful, even though I knew they shouldn't have. I began to thrive on any complement she would give me, because I knew she didn't give them very often and that meant that she really meant them. It was then that I knew I was so deep in the hole that no one was going to be able to dig me out. If I had been able to get away from her, have some space, I think it would help, but I couldn't stay away. It would have been so much easier if we weren't in the same town or knew each other for so long. Those factors couldn't be helped though, so everyday I had to see her. I'd like to say that that was a bad thing, but it wasn't, at least not for me. I wanted to see her, touch her, and kiss her. She might as well been in another country though because all I could do was see her. Sometimes I would just stare at her, so I could drink in her features, so I could think about them later on when she wasn't around. Towards the end I realized that I couldn't fight the card that life had dealt for me. As much as I didn't want to hurt my best friend, who meant everything, I knew that if I didn't take this shot, if I didn't show her how I felt, then I would lose everything anyway. It was a no win situation for me, so I did it. I risked it all and I lost. I lost my best friend and the woman that I love all in one day's timing and I have no one to blame but myself. It doesn't take the pain away though, it doesn't make anything easier that I let Joey go without a fight and just like Andie said to me, I'm left with no one who loves me. I don't think anything can feel worse than that.
Dawson
Betrayal. That has to be the one word that describes how I feel at this very second. When I woke up this morning, I knew things weren't right, but I never expected what happened today to be like this. Joey has always told me that I'm oblivious and that I live my life as if I was in a movie. I always thought she was wrong but I'm starting to think that she's right on both accounts. It took me forever to realize that Joey loved me and then when we got together, things fell apart. She broke my heart, not once, but twice and yet I still loved her. Sometime over the summer was when I realized we were soul mates and that's why when I came back from Philly and she wanted to get back together, I knew it was okay to wait. We needed more time apart and I trusted Pacey. I have trusted him with everything of mine all my life and I thought I could trust him with the woman that I loved also. I guess I was wrong about that too. It's true, I liked knowing that Joey had Pacey to rely on when I wasn't around. I knew that Pacey would take good care of her and I knew that was what Joey needed despite everything that she says about needing people. I saw them get closer and I didn't mind it because I always thought they could be these great best friends if they just let their walls of armor down. I just never expected this, I never expected to find out that Joey and Pacey not only were together, but were doing it behind my back and really had no intention of telling me. So I ended up finding out from Jen, my ex-girlfriend who knew about this before I did, which really hurt. I understand why she didn't tell me and I'm not mad at her. I'm mad at Pacey and Joey. I feel like they personally took a knife and shoved it into my back, like a bad Spielburg horror movie, that he's never even written. I said some awful things to Joey tonight, things that I wish I could take back on some level. I should have never asked her to choose between Pacey and I, but what else could I say under the circumstances? I couldn't just say that I was happy for them and let them think I was fine, because I'm not fine. I'm angry and hurt and I had to voice that to someone and that someone was Joey. It's true though, most of what I said, because she can't be with Pacey and then have me as the friend. I don't think I can handle that and maybe I should be able to, but I'm only 16 years old and at least I was honest in saying that to her. Honest which is more than I can say for either one of them at this point. I love Joey; I've always loved her at some level and just because we weren't together, doesn't mean that I loved her any less. I thought Pacey knew that, he had to have known that. I can't believe that he didn't know and whether he knew I still loved her or not, he knew this would hurt me; him and Joey both knew. They can't use that as an excuse as to why they couldn't tell me before they started anything, in fact…it hurts more that they didn't tell me from the start. I can't say whether it would change anything if I knew before anything happened, but it would have taken some of the sting away, I know that much. So now I don't have my soulmate, Joey or my best friend, Pacey and while I'm hurt, angry, and feel betrayed by both of them; I can't help but wish that this could all be repaired in some way. Maybe it can be, but all I know is I'm never going to be able to forget how I feel at this very moment in time.
The End