Insomnia
It was after 1 A.M. when Kelly Severide returned to Casey's apartment where he'd been staying in the guest room for the past few months. Casey's truck was parked at the curb, no surprise, the door was locked, no surprise. Kelly had had a bit to drink and his reflexes weren't their best but he still had the presence of mind not to go stampeding into the place and wake Casey up. He pocketed his keys, opened the door, walked in...and saw a light on in the kitchen. He took out his phone just to verify he had the right time.
"Casey?" he called out.
"In here," a low voice responded from the vicinity of the kitchen.
There was something off about Casey's voice but Severide couldn't put his finger on it and didn't actually give it much thought. Since he didn't have to tiptoe through the apartment, he reached the kitchen in a dozen or so steps. The light was on, Casey was seated at the table, and he looked like crap. His hair was messed up, his skin looked a shade paler than usual, he was still dressed in his work clothes from his construction job earlier that day. His eyes were barely open and looked like he was in excruciating pain.
"You okay?" Kelly tested the waters.
Casey didn't turn to look at him, instead turned his attention back to the table, and absently rocked in the chair as he said only in response, "I' got a headache."
"Okay..." Severide wasn't quite sure what to make of that. He headed over to the table and asked Matt, "You take something for it?"
And then he saw what Casey was looking at on the table.
It looked like a miniature pharmacy. Pill bottles all stacked along one another. Aspirin, ibuprofen, Tylenol, Excedrin, a couple different kinds of sinus headache pills, and...an orange RX bottle, leftover painkillers from his surgery when he fractured his skull.
"I dunno what to take," Casey weakly said as he dropped his head to his chest.
Kelly wasn't sure what was going on, he definitely had never seen Casey like this.
"What kind of pain is it?" he asked.
Casey groaned and answered, "The kind that hurts."
"I know that," Kelly replied. He looked down at the man in the chair and up close and personal Casey looked even worse than a moment ago. "How bad is it?"
Casey closed his eyes and whimpered as he continued rocking back and forth in the chair.
"Why don't you just go to sleep and see if it's better in the morning?" Kelly asked.
Casey opened his eyes, still wouldn't look at Severide, and said as he gazed out at the pill bottles, "I haven't slept for three days."
"What?" Kelly asked in disbelief.
Casey shut his eyes tightly and answered, "I can't sleep."
Kelly crouched down to look him in the face and asked, "What's wrong, Matt?"
After a few seconds, Casey opened his eyes and told Kelly, "If I tell you...you can't tell anyone...this can't get back to 51...and if you can't do that, then I can't tell you."
"Oh for..." Kelly let go of what he was going to say and pulled up a second chair and sat down beside him. "You have my word. Now what's wrong?"
Casey breathed in slowly and looked at the pill bottles again, and told Kelly, "I'm scared."
"Of what?" Kelly asked.
"You promise you won't tell anyone?"
"Of course."
"I wasn't entirely honest about what the doctor said," Casey said.
"You said you were cleared to go back to work," Kelly said.
"And I was, I am, but...when I went back, the doctor said my skull and brain are severely compromised, and could be permanently...and that I'm only fine until I get hit in the head again," Casey told him.
There was a nerve wracking silence in the apartment as Kelly took in what he'd just heard.
"Oh God, Matt...why didn't you say anything?"
"Same reason I didn't tell Boden I couldn't remember anything from two days before the accident...I don't want him or anyone else thinking I can't do my job," Casey answered. "You don't get it, Kelly, I'm a firefighter, that's what I am, I have to be able to go back."
"I do get it, Casey."
"No you don't," Matt shook his head. "I can't ever think about what the doctor said, because if I think about it, I won't be able to do my job because I'll always be thinking 'what if?' 'what if?' But...I can't not think about it...it...it has to come out somewhere. Every...every time I get a headache now I wonder...is it just a headache? Is it somehow connected to the accident? Is something going wrong that I don't even know about and it's going to kill me? Do..." Casey's voice was breaking, "Do you have any idea how many times somebody dies after they thought they just had a migraine?"
"Casey, you've got to calm down," Kelly reached over and placed a hand on Matt's shoulder. "It's understandable that you're scared, anybody in your position would be. But Casey, if you haven't slept in three days you can't even think straight, you have got to go to bed."
"I can't."
"What do you mean you can't?"
Finally, Casey turned and looked at him. "I know how it sounds, I know it's stupid, but I can't stop thinking...what if something happens when I'm sleeping and I don't wake up? Do you ever wonder about that?"
"Not really," Kelly replied quietly, feeling at a loss since he really couldn't relate to what Matt was going through, and he knew it.
Casey's eyes were quickly filling up with tears and they reached the brink and started rolling down his face as his whole body started wracking as he broke down crying.
"Hey, come over here," Kelly wrapped an arm around Casey and pulled him against him. "Take it easy, Casey, breathe for me, you're alright, just calm down."
"Oh God," Casey moaned as he raised his hands to his head, "I want to die."
"Casey, you have got to get some sleep, that's what's causing your headache," Kelly told him. He looked at the pills on the table and asked his friend, "Where'd you get all those?"
Casey pointed a finger to one of the cupboards over the sink.
"Stay here," Kelly got up and went over to the cupboard and rifled through the contents to see what else was in there. After knocking a few bottles aside, he seemed to find what he was looking for.
"Here you go," he said as he set another bottle on the table.
Casey sniffed as he picked up the bottle and looked at the label.
"This is an allergy pill," he said, thinking Kelly had lost his mind.
"I know," Severide responded as he got a glass of water and handed it to Casey. "Trust me, I know what I'm talking about."
Matt looked up at him uncertainly with bloodshot eyes. "I can't go to sleep."
"Yes you can, you need to," Kelly responded. He sat back down next to Casey and told him, "I'll stay in the room with you, it'll be fine."
Casey's eyes were full of exhaustion and fear as he asked in a small voice, sounding so much more like a scared child, "What happens if I don't wake up?"
"I'll pinch you, you'll wake up," Kelly said.
The edges of Casey's mouth turned upward in a hint of a sad smile as he got out a small laugh before he started crying again. He calmed down again after a couple minutes and took the pill. Kelly put all the bottles back in the cupboard and helped Casey to his feet. "Come on, let's get you to bed. You'll feel better in the morning."
Kelly half pushed, half walked Casey across the apartment, but just before reaching the bedroom, Casey felt himself being turned the other way towards the bathroom.
"What the-"
"It's going to take a little while for that pill to work, so for now we're gonna get you ready for bed," Kelly told him as he reached over and turned on the bathroom light.
If Casey was actually in an unimpaired state of mind he might've been offended by the events that next took place, instead he complied as Kelly stood by like a parent ordering him to wash his face, brush his teeth. After that they went to the bedroom and though by this time Casey was actually looking forward to crawling under the covers, Kelly wouldn't let him until he took his dirty work clothes off and changed into his pajamas. The room was cold and Casey did not enjoy the brief interval of standing around shivering as his whole body erupted in gooseflesh. Once changed, he crawled onto the bed and before he even finished turning over on his back, he felt the covers being thrown over his body. He looked up and saw Severide standing over the bed.
"You're staying?" Casey asked quietly, weakly.
"I said I would."
"Till I go to sleep?" Casey yawned.
"No, all night."
Casey felt the mattress shift and opened his eyes and saw Kelly sitting at the foot of the bed on the other side, watching him.
"You'll be alright, Casey, just close your eyes and go to sleep," Kelly told him.
Casey looked at him for a few seconds, and asked uncertainly, "You'll wake me up?"
"I said I would, didn't I?" Severide responded.
Casey stuck a hand out from under the covers and pointed at him and said tiredly, "Don' let me sleep too long."
"I promise."
Matt slowly nodded, and turned his gaze towards the ceiling, then closed his eyes, and waited for sleep to come.
As soon as Casey shut his eyes, Severide smirked to himself as he raised his hand with his middle and index fingers crossed. Once Casey actually fell asleep, he was going to stay asleep until his internal clock said otherwise, and if he really hadn't slept for three days, that could be tomorrow afternoon for all he knew. He sat on the bed and watched Casey and paid attention to his breathing patterns and waited for the moment when Matt's jaw dropped and his breathing became deep and steady, finally, out like a light. Kelly carefully shifted his weight around so he could lie down without the movement waking Matt up, and pulled the covers up on himself.
"Goodnight, Casey," he whispered as he closed his eyes and also waited for sleep to come.