Music Choice {Recommended}: Crystal Skies- Fall a thousand times
I look straight into your eyes, remembering so many moments I lost myself in them. Just like yesterday, they don't blink; they're eternally open before the mercy of an old memory with no hope of becoming the present. Meanwhile, my own fill up with tears, slowly falling through my cheeks, coming to a stop on that photograph which I tightly grasp, with fear of forgetting you. I try hypnotizing myself with your amber eyes, in hopes of leaving the World behind and reaching you, wherever it is you are. And although I manage to separate from the earthly surroundings, it is not to obtain delightful images, but to remember myself why I'm still here. Despicable words hunt my ears, while mournful sobs shred my soul. Many people say the past is in the past, but my past –our past- is a cruel reality… Wretched illness! How you have shattered our future… So many promises and dreams have vanished with this retrospection…
The silence in the gloomy hall is interrupted by soft footsteps not far away. Quickly I return the framed picture to its place, next to all the other images of you and me, each of us at different ages. I wipe my face to pretend nothing had happened, and not give away my grief. Fine and frail fingers surround my waist, hugging me from behind with innocence and the purest love. He calls me "My Love" like always, but it didn't have the same meaning as before. I break free from his chains and turn around, finding a small 8 year old boy. Height half of mine, dark short hair with a few natural highlights, and white smooth skin that covered every inch of his petit corps. A round face with chubby cheeks, and a celestial smile delimitated by thin pale lips. A septum that would cause envy in the most perfect Aryan: long and sharp in every edge and end, giving elegance to a common appearance. And his exotic eyes: small yet expressive, framed by thin brows and long dark lashes that gave shelter to shining citrine topazes. This living porcelain doll takes my hand and drags me to another somber room in the small apartment we share. As we walk I pass in between 2 walls, one which had significant markings on it. They were height measurements- they were yours. They went from the smallest one below, ascending up the wall to a foot above my head. But anyone would become concerned when noticing how the dates in each mark don't follow a normal trend. ..
Already in the next room, I sit on the sofa to keep the innocent creature company; him being entertained with his soldier figures, without knowing the misfortunes of the World. I watch him closely, accepting once again who he really is, without him himself knowing it. Having children had always been my biggest desire, but this child did not come from my insides; I've been sentenced to this torture without warning. Taking care of him is no problem whatsoever; it has to do with the memories he brings back just by looking at him, knowing none of them will return because of his situation. Oh, once more I have gone to other galaxies with my thoughts, but the baby's delicate voice brings me back to Earth. With great gentleness and certain consternation, he asks a curious question, which lets loose an intense dialogue:
- My Love, What is a casualty?
- Well, it's an event based on chance. Something that can happen once in your life, or it could easily not happen at all.
- Sounds like its special then, My Love.
- It depends on the circumstances: where you are, at what hour, with whom… But, where is this question coming from, my child?
- I don't know; one day it just appeared in my mind, but for a reason I felt it in my heart.
- In your heart?! Son, what are you trying to tell me?
- What I'm saying is: you are the most beautiful casualty I've had in my life, My Love.
I can't breathe, and so I feel my heart pounding hard. My sight was fiercely glued onto him… Looking for you… Those words that you told me so many times …this child –no, you!- You are still there, even after all this time and so many changes! I get up from the sofa and kneel before the confused figurine, taking his beautiful face in my damaged hands, and looking into his eyes. I thought about you… I searched for you…. And I finally found you in them…
I take you by the hand, pulling you up on your feet. I turn around, offering you my back for you to get on. I take your short legs and secure you against me, feeling your agitated respiration on mi neck, which you grabbed with force. You were scared, but explaining what was going on was a waste of time. I had to act fast before you disappeared forever. I had no time to call ambulances or anyone else; I only had to run.
I leave the apartment at full speed, going down the stairs with fear but without a thought of diminishing my velocity. I have you well caught; I wouldn't let you fall for nothing. We exit the building and enter the crowded morning street. I go straight to the hospital, where it all began: the place where you were diagnosed, where your retrospection began, and the grave of what you use to be. The doctor has been treating you all these years, so he must know what to do in this moment of clarity. Many were those that told me to lose all hopes and give up, but I'll show them all how much my optimism and dedication paid off. I'll reveal to them the true power of love…
I was starting to get tired, but I didn't stop; my fear was far much greater than my weariness. I keep running through the populated sidewalks, crossing streets with no caution, bumping onto strangers without being sorry; in a few minutes I could see the hospital from afar. I try to speed up, but my body doesn't allow it. Little by little I reduce my speed against my will; suddenly I feel double the weight on my shoulders. Just in front of the desired building I fall to my knees, but I don't let go of you, so you do not fall. But to my surprise, it wasn't necessary for me to have you so firmly attached to me. All on your own you got on your feet, positioning yourself in front of me while offering me a hand to help me up. I raise my sight, being frightened at the view… No, I'm not afraid; this is just the beginning of the solution… You had grown up! From down here I could appreciate how your facial factions had change somewhat, but your arms and legs had stretched; you still conserved that baby face, only now it was delimited by a mixed short mane of difference shades of brown. I take your hand and you pull me up, just like had done for you earlier. Already on my feet, I notice your head reached my chest; you must be about 12 years now. I understood medical help was not what we needed; science had already showed me it wasn't capable of solving this puzzle… But I was!
Memories… It's the only thing I need right now…
With our hands interlocked, I begin a new race towards a faraway place in the past. You were running after me, trying to go at my pace, but your young extremities did not permit it. I go straight to the park, where we had our last discussion; it had occurred a few weeks before your diagnostic. I thought you were being unfaithful to me due to your unusual behavior; little did I know it was because you were sick. I doubted your words, I hurt you with my own, and now the mere remembrance hunts me with greater pain. None the less, although I treated you so harshly, you forgave me and prevented me from escaping your grasp. Now it is I who makes sure you don't leave my arms.
The wind brushes my face, drying the tears that had rolled down my cheeks. The leaves' movement can be heard in a united melody that introduces the nearby nature. The park was desolated, something out of the ordinary at mid-day. We arrived at the central fountain, stopping dry on our tracks. I turn around, finding your expression full of fear and confusion. My heart was broken in pieces, and with what I was about to do, I would only make it worst, but it was the only way to make you remember. I close my eyes, raising my right hand and slapping you across the face. I open them, finding myself before a 15 year old teenager touching his red cheek, still looking in the direction of the blow. He was the same height as me; his body was more developed, and his dark hair was topped with some bushy layers of ash blonde. Slowly he turns his gaze towards me, observing my expression. He reaches towards the edge of the fountain and takes a peek of his reflection, finally understanding what was happening; I could see a sparkle in his eyes, filled with astonishment. You were analyzing everything I did up till now, and I know you're determined to help me -to help yourself!
Once again you offer me your hand, and I grasp it with force. We run in the same direction, at the same speed, already knowing where each one of us was going. In the outskirts of town, in a green valley, stood an ancient brick lighthouse; the place where we had formalized our relation. Very close to the beach, I could already sense the sea breeze, and a slight smell of salt in the atmosphere. In solitude lies the structure, in the midst of nowhere, where only few people know of its existence. With no need of ornaments, signs or paint for its embellishment, for it is surrounded by the most beautiful nature: flowers of all types, an incandescent sun, and a mystical wind that would transport any mortal's soul to the other side. Only the waves can be heard at a distance; complete absence of mundane sounds. We arrive at Paradise with hopes of bringing you back. Together we go into the lighthouse and up the spiral stairs, both of us next to each other. We reach the top, where the vivid and enormous light from the tower shines bright towards the unknown waters, helping vessels find their way back… the same way I'm helping you find yourself. We're face to face, looking each other straight in the eyes; you get close to my countenance, leaving a sweet kiss over my lips, while I hug you closer to my body to feel you near. It was a magical moment, just like the first time; an authentic image that I carry in my heart forever. As we separate, you are already a man of 18 years of age. A strong body yet slim figured; a mature face that reflected your manliness. Now it was my head that reached your chest. You didn't lose time: you took me by the hand and pulled me after you. You go down the stairs, but I can't go at you same pace; I feel I can fall at any moment. Still, we keep running until we're out of the tower and eventually far away from the area. We return to the city, but I don't know where we're going since it is you that guides me now. Still, I have an idea where you run to… That dreadful place where I met you for the first time… The place where I almost took my life…
That day I was destined to die, thinking that my life had no meaning. I was alone, without anyone to hear me of understand me. All I ever received from people were critics and abuse; liberty was something unreal in my daily living. On the outside everyone thought I was a normal girl, but inside I was slowly crumbling. That day I woke up knowing it would be my last day suffering in this abominable World. I prepared myself as if I were going to a grand celebration; I wore my best clothes, make-up and even did my hair. I left my house without telling anyone; neither did I leave a letter explaining why I decided to abandon all. It was a rainy day and I carried no umbrella with me; it wasn't a new sensation, for deep inside that was how I felt each passing day. I walked to the bridge that divided the city in two; beneath it only water lurked…dark, deep water. Behind me only cars went by, for no one in their sane minds would walk under this flood. I leaned over the rail, taking one last look at the horizon, not finding a reason to hold me back from what I had already decided. Slowly I climbed onto the rail, ready to throw myself to the vastness underneath, but… You took my hand… You appeared out of nowhere from within the rain, like a miracle; you spoke to me in a serene tone. For the first time I felt like someone wasn't judging me, instead it felt like I was being accepted:
- I don't think the Universe is prepared to lose such a beautiful creature as yourself. Why don't you come down and we talk for a while?
- I don't have anything good to tell you about myself. My life has been a failure, o better yet, an error. The Universe won't notice if I disappear…
- You think so? Well, I would notice. But anyways, I think you should come down either way. I want to hear your story; I'm sure there's something special about you.
- No, please, let me go. You don't know what's like to be me…
- That's true, I don't know what it's like to be you, but I do know what it's like to be me…
- So?! I don't care about you or anyone else right now! No one can feel as miserable as me!
- Well, I'm interested in knowing how you feel, and I could tell you a story that would make you think twice about what you just said. Would you like to hear it?
- Let me go!
- I'm not letting you go! Before you make your move, I want you to know you have a chance to change your life, and that someone is ready to hear and help you… because no one helped me, and I had to suffer enough to be where I am today…Now get down!
The delicacy you had shown at the beginning disappeared into merciful wrath. You pulled me by the hand, and brought me to your side. You quickly hugged me, preventing me from running away. It felt so good, something I had never felt before, and so I decided not to fight against your strength and just enjoy the moment. Besides the gloomy atmosphere, I felt safe in your arms. At that time I didn't know if it was the rain or my own tears falling on your shoulder… From that day my life changed, and I've got you to thank for that. Our happiness lasted about 3 years, until the retrospection began; apparently it was due to that dark part of your life you had to confront all alone, and so its consequences had caught up to you…
We arrived at the bridge just as the sun was setting and the rain began. I was breathing heavily after running so much, but my heartbeat increase by just being in that horrible place. You climb on the rails and extend a hand towards me, which I take with confidence. You pull me up next to you, taking care of me like a piece of glass. We look downwards, knowing it's the only way to finish this transformation… You need to go back to being 21, for is the only way to truly find yourself… We don't know what consequences might come from this performance, but whatever it may be, will face it together…Jean…
Thank you for believing in me; I hope I didn't let you down… Thank you for nor abandoning me that day, nor any other day; I hope I managed to show you how much that meant to me…Thank you for loving me, because you showed me how to love… Thank you for showing me the World's beauties, for I discovered that you were the most beautiful creation on Earth…
We looked at each other, sharing warm smiles amidst the cold environment. We closed them, and with a skip, we plunged ourselves to the unknown…