This is random. This is pointless. There is no real plot. It exists only to make you laugh and cry at the pathetic working-class British. Enjoy.

Warning: This story contains opinions that are not your own. Please do not be afraid. Homosexual, drug and teenage motherhoodreferences throughout.

"Honestly Harry, if Ron doesn't get here soon I'm going to Herbeology class without him." Hermione stamped her feet in frustration as Harry insisted they wait for his best friend, and secret love, Ronald Weasley. "Come to think of it, I haven't seen him since yesterday afternoon," Harry murmured.

"He didn't go to bed with you last night?"

"…"

"Sorry , bad choice of words." Hermione patted him on the shoulder, aware of her friend's unrequited love. But Harry was too busy staring down the hallway. A figure clad in a bright yellow tracksuit, gold jewellery, a black woolly hat and yellow-tinted glasses was meandering towards them shouting, "Yo Mr Bombastic reggae fantastic, wurd 'em up! Give it up fo da Gryffindor Masseeeve."

"RON???" they gasped.

"Wassup me Julie?" Ron smirked and slapped Hermione's ass. She was too shocked to layeth the smackdown on him.

"—Oh dear," a voice said from behind them. They turned to see Draco Malfoy smirking in a Draco Malfoy way with Crabbe and Goyle stood either side him. "I do believe, that your pathetic friend has become a teenager – muggle style."

"Yes," Hermione added. "All teenagers with his financial background turn into… well that!"

"Is it coz I is ginger?" Ron frowned and took out his wand from inside his jacket. He pointed it at Draco. "You is on da Westside. Dis is my territory you batty boys."

"Hey we only did it once! And we were drunk!" Crabbe whined.

Draco pushed him aside and prodded Ron's chest, "Listen you plebeian asswipe-"

"Dat is not a nice way to talk 'bout your mum, innit?"

"Stop twisting my words, Weasley. I have to say Potter, you keep the weirdest company." Harry ignored Draco and turned to Ron. "What's the matter with you?! I mean, what's next? Cannabis? Ecstasy? Nike trainers???"

"Nah man we is into Duffs, aiiiii." He clicked his wrist and folded his arms defiantly. Harry looked to Hermione for help. "Alright," she said. "Lets try making him into something more tolerable. Like a gothic." She ushered Ron away from Malfoy and crew. "Is we goin' to 'erbeology, me Julie?"

"If you call me that one more time..." Hermione pushed him harder and Harry followed them both towards the toilets. "Aaah, we is going to get some real 'erbs innit? You has bin reading me mind." They hid inside one of the stalls in the gent's and Harry took out his wand. "Look man, I is not into dat."

"Quiet!" Hermione hissed. "We're going to make you feel better."

"Doubt it. Dat wand is well pointy."

Harry took Ron's wand, "No, we're not going to do THAT. We're just going to try put a spell on you to make you normal again."

"Gimme back me wand!" Ron made a move to grab it back but Harry was too quick. He jumped backwards against the door and it swung open. Hermione and Ron fell on top of him. Needless to say, Dumbledore was rather surprised to see them. "Erm... Harry?"

"Honestly sir, it's not naked happy fun time."

"Damn," said Dumbledore, helping him up. "So what ARE you three doing?"

"Trying to make Ron normal again, sir," Hermione piped up. Ron scrambled up from the floor and brushed himself down. "You is paying for a new medallion, aiii? You has bent me favourite one. Me got dat for swimming." Dumbledore stroked his beard. "I see... bring him to the Nurse's office."

"What is wiv you, man? I is not ill. It's coz I got a beard, innit? You fink I is a terrorist. I swear me has never bin on a plane in me life."

Hermione peered closely at his face, "That's not a beard. That's teenage fuzz around your lips."

"Me would like to see your fuzzy li-" Ron began before Hermione gave him a very painful jab with his wand. Dumbledore held Harry aside whilst Hermione began pushing Ron again, towards the Nurse's office. "I'm afraid we may need to resort to drastic measures."

"You mean..."

"Yes. We'll have to call upon Snape for help."

OMG CLIFFHANGERED