AN: My first yaoi... written on thanksgiving while I was...slightly shitfaced... cough goes to show that I shouldn't write anything while drunk on mystery vodka punch and margaritas that is mostly tequila....

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Don't sue...blah blah blah...

I walked into the room, it smelled of apples and smoke and beeswax. I smiled slightly, walking into the room, staring at the candles on the floor. They were long since put out when the wick burned out so there was nothing left but a pool of red wax on the hard wooden floors. I glanced at the clock on the hallway, it's ticking the only noise I could hear, it was loud and the pendulum was mesmerizing. I didn't realize how late it was. I removed my coat and hung it on the rack by the door.

I followed the candles to the drawing room where a bottle of wine was in a bucket of melted ice. I took the bottle out of the bucket and noticed it was slowly making its way to being room temperature. I took my wand out and chilled it. Popping the top open I let its contents fall into my waiting mouth, polishing half of the bottle quickly. I then followed the rest of the candles to stairs where red sashes were draped on the stairs leading up to the landing where more puddles of wax met my eyes.

I felt guilty, knowing all the trouble that was placed into this. I brushed it aside though, trying not to care. I sighed and walked up the stairs. I looked down the hallway; there was one lone candle right before the door. It was still lit, but barely. I stared at its small flame and closed my eyes stilling myself for what was to come. My fingers touched the doorknob, cool brass brushing against my fingertips. Twisting it I walked in, my heart sinking at the sight.

He lay there, his eyes closed, asleep, on our bed, his body draped over silken sheets, a gauzy material covering his naked body. His hair fanned on the pillow, his face facing me. He was hugging a pillow, small damp marks indicating that tears had touched blue material of the pillowcase. Walking up to him, I sat beside his still form, feeling foolish, feeling guilty, feeling regret. Images of someone else in this position brushed the edge of my mind but I pushed it away.

I lightly touched his face, tracing his cheek with my fingertips that suddenly grew numb and painful as I felt his skin. Slick with tears I felt like I wanted to cry.

He looked so beautiful and yet even in sleep his sadness was there. I am a horrible person. I left him waiting for me. Again. I was no good for him. He thinks I forgot what today was. I'm such a prat. I didn't deserve such a creature. I kissed him on his forehead. His eyes fluttered open. They were bloodshot and slightly swollen, and yet he stared at me with loving tenderness that could only come from him.

"I was getting worried."

"I'm so sorry."

He shrugged, sitting up, pale skin illuminating from the still lit candles in the room, these were almost out as well, the light was low, shadows reached towards me at every corner.

"I'm kind of used to it by now..."

His words were a gash that refused to stop bleeding, I merely flinched. He continued, standing up and walking away from me, his naked body making its way across the room. I stared at his back; scars shone silver on his white skin. Like vines on an ivory tower trailing down his spine. Thin, interwoven with one another. They stopped at the base of his spine in a shape that always reminded me of a cross. I stood as well, making my way towards him.

I should have walked back, should have walked away. But I couldn't, I wanted something to remember what used to be. What we once were before... I flinched at the memory of a thin, distorted smile.

My shoes were loud against the wooden floor. He jumped slightly when I wrapped my arms around him. My fingers finding his. He leaned against me; touching him made me die inside. His skin was like poison to me and I could almost see the vile green venom seeping into my skin and running its course through my blood stream.

I gave in, kissing the back of his neck. He tasted of chocolate covered coffee beans, something he is quite addicted to. He tasted so good though; I wanted to loose myself in his skin, his scent, and his taste. I wanted be drugged by him.

"Why today?"

"I'm sorry," I murmured against his skin, tasting other things like the raspberry tea soap and his own unique taste. I felt drunk off of his skin.

"Where were you?" He whispered, he stifled a moan as I licked his jaw line.

"Does it matter?"

"Apparently only to me."

"Apparently..." He shivered as I ran my fingers on his collarbone. He could feel me through my pants and he ground his hips.

"Tell me."

"No."

I trailed my fingers down his stomach and I found his arousal. He moaned, whispering my name ever so gently, I wanted to cry. We made our way towards our bed where he lay there, so beautiful, his hair askew and framing his face beautifully. I devoured his lips against mine, hovering above him, still fully clothed, my garments tight on me. He moaned and whimpered as I reached between us for him again. Pulsating and slick. I bit his lip and he arched his back. He fumbled to remove my clothes; they went flying in all directions as he rolled me over.

He smiled sadly, kissing me tenderly down my body until I arched my back. His mouth was hot and wet and I almost lost it. I could feel my toes curling into the sheets and my torso twitching in one direction as my hips went another. He licked and kissed and pumped me until I lost myself and I forgot everything as I sobbed out his name in ecstasy.

But when it was over I remembered everything and I closed my eyes as his lips met mine, tasting myself on his tongue. I rolled us over, bringing his hands to rest above his head.

I slowly kissed my way down his chest, taking my bittersweet time to reach my goal. Memorizing every inch of him with my tongue.

Dipping my tongue in the hollow of his throat, swirling my tongue on his pebble like nipples and trailing the rim of his navel. I finally reached my goal. I teased and tortured him with my tongue. Images flashed through my head; brushing them aside I kissed and savored him, swallowing him to the hilt. I pushed him back down by the hips as he arched his back towards me. His hips buckled towards me. But I pushed him down again and continued with my torture as he whimpered my name. Soon he was delirious. Bucking and twisting, telling me how good I was as he came in my mouth; He never noticed the tears that rolled down my face.

His body lay there, spent, placid, and sated. He stretched like a cat and curled up on his side and held a hand out for me. Inviting me to sleep forever next to him. I wanted nothing more then to loose myself in his arms but I just stared at him through covered eyes as my hair was now in my face.

He smiled and spoke in jest, no longer angry with me for being late. "Darling if you love me smile."

A game we play to see how long it takes for him to make me break my frown into a smile. But as I said this, it was no game. I meant it, and I think he realized this because his eyes clouded over.

"Darling, I do love you, but I just can't smile."

Suddenly the game we used to play became a part of the game we were currently in. Filled with lies, sex and tears.

He was no longer tired, his lips frowning as he sat up. "What's the matter?"

His eyes were full of something I couldn't quite see. I don't think I wanted to know.

"I'm leaving. Tonight."

"What? How are you leaving? What's going on? Where are you going?"

"We can't be together anymore. I realize this now; it is my fault for not seeing it earlier."

I stood; gathering my clothes and he merely stared at me, not believing what I had just said. I wondered if he knew... But he couldn't know. It was impossible. I had been careful.

"I'll send for the rest of my things as soon as I can so you don't need to bother with them."

I slipped into my shirt as he finally snapped out of it. "What the fuck are you on? Have you gone mental or something? What is with you?"

"I just realized that you are too good for me."

"How am I to good for you? You've gone insane!"

I tied my shoelace and stood, walking towards the door. He jumped out and pushed me against the door. I stared at him calmly. I could feel a bruise on my back where my shoulder hit the door.

"Let go of me."

"Not until you talk to me!"

"There's nothing to talk about."

"We have been together for too long for you to just end it like its some fucking fling."

"I have nothing else to say."

"You owe me a bloody explanation!"

"I owe you nothing!"

I never meant for it to go this far. I was supposed to leave and never look back. I was going to start anew. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. I pushed him away. Anger rising deep inside of me. Words spilling like blood from a wound, a wound he caused yet doesn't realize, before I could contain them.

"Today, I took the afternoon off from work, so that I could come home to you. But I decided to go instead on a detour. I went looking for you. Eventually I was led to a house, in Hogsmead of all places. I walked in because the door is wide open, I hear a noise upstairs and I run up, and guess what I saw. A man, naked, waiting. Looking so tragic, so enticing that I stood still. And I just stared at him as he smiled at me. That damn smile... Do you know who it was? He's an old classmate of ours, someone whom I detest with such malice that I wanted to hurt him with my bare hands. But he looked so beautiful there, like a toy, already unwrapped and waiting for someone to play with. I felt myself drawn to him, and then he then spoke to me. His voice like the silk from a spider."

I stared at him my eyes cold, my face set, but on the inside I felt like I was dying, like if everything had been torn out of me and eventually I was dead inside. "You do remember Severus Snape right? I mean, you did spend your evening with him."

During this he had backed away from me and grabbed a black robe from the foot of the bed. Covering himself, hugging his form, shielding himself from me. He was looking away, towards something I couldn't see.

"When I left him, I wondered around London for hours, hoping that I was wrong, but now I know that I didn't deserve you to begin with."

"Remus..."

I shook my head. "I knew what was going on, I knew we had drifted apart, I even started avoiding coming home. But I never thought that it would end like this. With him of all people."

I smiled bitterly at that. "Why him, Sirius? Why couldn't you have fucked someone else?"

He drew into himself even more and I shook my head. "Its my fault, for pushing you away, but why him..."

He spun around and looked at me, his eyes cold, distant. "He was there when I was vulnerable. You weren't. But I feel nothing for him; it was nothing more then a few times. It was nothing!"

I shook my head again, "That's not true. There was something there, because obviously you wanted me to find out if you told your assistant where you were going to be. You wanted to be caught, to end this or for attention...it doesn't matter anymore."

"We can't end like this!" His voice was breaking, but I ignored the sharp throbbing pain in my chest. He couldn't lure me back with his sobs.

"We must end this now."

"Then what was tonight about then? If you knew about him then why didn't you say something before we fucked?"

He collapsed on his knees, shaking uncontrollably as he sobbed. I kneeled in front of him, pulling his hands from his face.

My throat was closing up on me that I could barely breathe. But it had to end. I wanted to run out of here as fast as I could. I wanted to drown myself in a sea of glass and never have to think about this moment. This moment that I made it clear that there we couldn't continue like this. This horrible feeling of emptiness grew and grew and my fingertips where numb where I had touched him, my arms where numb where I held him, and my lips were numb where I had kissed him.

"I wanted a memory, some form of closure, anything to remind myself that this could never be. I feel nothing anymore, because this was nothing. And now, you are nothing, just like me."

He watched him leave from his spot on the floor, moments later the front door closed shut and the sound echoed in his ears. He didn't move for a long time, he just sat there, staring at his hands, tears falling gently. Over an hour passed before he finally stood his legs shaky as he made his way towards the chest at the foot of the bed.

Lifting the lid gently he stared inside his depths for a moment before he started sobbing. Inside lay a package wrapped in red and gold shinny paper. A small card, glued next to the bow read the following in scarlet ink: Happy Birthday Moony.

AN: My friend wants to get me drunk so I can write more yaoi... at least there will be free booze.