Author's Note: I was watching a really old episode of Buffy and as soon as I heard the first line in this story I had this idea. I was up until about three because I couldn't get to sleep until it was all out. It sounds almost like it should be some cheesy songfic, but I couldn't find a song. If anyone wants to recommend one then I'll make a songfic version of it. That is, if I like the song and think it fits and everything. Please review. I'm desperate for feedback.
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy or Angel or the world they live in. The four lines in quotation marks are quoted (though perhaps inaccurately) from some episode or other, though the second ones come before the first.
When You Kiss Me...
"This isn't some fairy tale! When I kiss you, you won't wake from a deep sleep and live happily ever after."
"No. When you kiss me… I want to die." An instant later I realized what I had said. I turned and ran, but not before I saw the look on Angel's face. He hadn't heard it the way I'd meant it.
When you kiss me I want to die. Die. That was what he had heard. It hurt him, but not nearly as much as it had frightened me. I hadn't realized that I thought that, that I felt that way.
"You're sixteen. I'm two-hundred and four."
"I've done the math." I had. I didn't care. Those hundred and eighty-eight years really didn't matter. I knew I loved him, but I don't think I ever would have been prepared for that particular thought. When he kisses me, I want to die.
My worst fear is becoming a vampire, destroying what I know, killing those I love. Honestly, the undead, being undead, scares me more than anything else could. How completely ironic it is that the man I love is a vampire, an especially evil one before he got his soul back.
I can't get his face out of my mind! The horrified, stunned look when I said that keeps replaying and I can't quite tell if he understood or not. Did he think I wanted to die to get away from him? He couldn't think that. Did he know I wanted o die to be with him?
I think he does know that. I think he knows that I would give up my life and soul. Every day I would live my worst nightmare, the one that haunts my every waking hour and most of my sleeping ones, if it meant that I could spend every day with him. Forever. Or every night, I guess. I think he knows that. I think he always knew.
Now we both know it. And we both know it will never happen. I let my guard slip for a single moment and it just… came out. When you kiss me I want to die, I want to be with you forever. We both know it can't happen.
The next time we meet we'll both pretend nothing happened. We'll go on like normal, but we'll both know. Maybe someday we'll have a real relationship, but it will always be there in the back of out minds. I should stop this now – move on before it hurts too much. I should try to have a normal relationship with someone, but I know that won't happen either. I love you, Angel. When you kiss me I want to die.
You'll try to keep me at a distance to protect me. I'll try to get closer to you because I can't help doing anything else. But every day I get older – and you don't. Some day, either because of old age or more likely because of my job as a Slayer, I'll die… and you won't.
I love you, Angel. I always will. But because of what was said tonight I know that no matter how much I want it, how hard I try, our relationship will never work out. It tears me apart. I can't help trying anyway. I love you. I love you so much that when you kiss me I want to die… but I know it will never last.
Author's Note: Please review! Flame me if you want. I like fire!