You Can (Not) Redo
No matter how much we may want to, how deep and dark it burrows into our core, there's no changing the past. You can only learn from it, though the lesson may never equate to the magnitude of the sacrifice itself in our hearts. And why should it?
He knew better than anyone else what it felt like to sit and fester over the past. Lamenting in that type of mindset wasn't ideal. In it nothing was fair. Everything just felt like a punishment.
Maybe it was.
Graystripe had long ago tried to address and deal with the lingering feelings left behind by Silverstream's death. To say he had been shattered would be an understatement. For what had felt like an endless progression of moons, he'd been nothing more than a walking hollow husk of a tom, brittle and chipping, ready to collapse in on itself at any moment.
Day by day, the pitfalls that seemed to consume his life only grew worser. Feathertail. So very much like her mother, and like her, there was nothing he could have done to save her. Just like that one of the kits Silverstream had given her life to give birth to was now finally joined with her in death. Gone before her time, a past tragedy he could do nothing to repair or fix.
Graystripe's life only leaned in a downward spiral from there. He had been captured and taken away from the one place he'd called home. Only darkness followed then, a suffocating cloud of spite and misery that left him blind to the rest of the world.
It hadn't been an easy ordeal, but in the end he had found some solace. Millie was probably the best thing to have entered his life at that point. Alone and lost, far away from the Clan he loved dearly, she had appeared like a cat straight from StarClan itself and helped him to continue on and survive in more ways than one. Thanks to her the hole in his chest had slowly started to heal. He wasn't lonely anymore.
No, he wasn't lonely anymore. He had a new family, one he would love just as hard as his old one, a family that he had sworn to do everything within his power to protect. Feathertail was dead and Stormfur had departed for a life in the mountains, taking with them both the last living reminders he had of Silverstream.
Graystripe couldn't let the same happen to his new family. He wouldn't allow it.
Despite his best wishes, however, tragedy had befallen Briarlight. She would never again have use of the lower half of her body, trapped forevermore living as an incomplete cat. The sheer thought ate away at him, knowing yet again there was another mistake that he couldn't change.
Nothing was fair, especially not when it concerned him. He and misfortune seemed to go paw and paw.
Now, if that was even possible, the world had grown just a little bit darker. Firestar was dead. His oldest and dearest friend was gone, someone Graystripe would have readily given his life up for in exchange given the chance.
It was just too much strife for one cat to handle. Graystripe wasn't sure how he had held on so long. Everything just kept getting worser, the problems even more complicated than ever to answer. And now of all times when he was so submerged, trying to extricate himself from the cloying trenches of rue, Graystripe faced his biggest problem of all, one that left every particle of his being conflicted.
"I'll be waiting."
Graystripe awakened to find himself laying in the midst a lushful grassy terrain. Dazzled and disconcerted, he slowly climbed to his paws. Traces of glittering specs trailed near the edges of his peripheral as he gazed around the luscious territory in awe.
The clearing was layered over in a florescent golden haze, crisp and warm, that radiated an aura of energy that filled his body with a great dose of vivaciousness, wiping away any lingering effects of languidness from sleep. Graystripe took a few steps forward, momentarily pausing, surprised by the soothing cool feel of the soft tendrils of grass and dirt beneath his paws.
This forest was unlike any other place he'd ever encountered. But where was he?
"Graystripe! Hey, over here!"
Graystripe's ears shot up, erect and taut, a feverish sensation of joy and recognition rippling across his body. He recognized that voice anywhere, no matter how long it'd been.
The cat caught him before he ever saw it coming. Graystripe was tackled from behind, rolling around in the grass, laughing merrily, as he and the cat wrestled.
Time seemed to blur in and out of relevance as he and the other cat tussled and grappled. Endless amounts of energy coursed through his veins, making him feel as energetic and young as a kit. Finally, after simultaneously failing to pin the other, they broke apart, wheezing and laughing as they lay side by side.
Still catching his breath, Graystripe turned to his companion with a wide smile plastered across his face. "No matter how old and wistful we've become over the moons, at the end of it all it seems we're still just those two same silly apprentices that got into trouble."
Firestar returned the smile. "Firepaw and Graypaw were quite the team, don't you think?"
"Graypaw and Firepaw, you mean," Graystripe playfully corrected. "Possibly two of the biggest mousebrains to ever grace ThunderClan, but nonetheless, two mousebrains that always had their hearts in the right place."
Graystripe felt absolutely exhilarated. Words couldn't express how much he had missed his old friend. It was amazing to see Firestar again. The fiery ginger tom looked moons younger, close to the time when he had first become leader, his frame full and powerful, green eyes bright and brimming with a great fervor at the sight of his oldest friend.
There was one sole addition to Firestar that Graystripe couldn't help but notice with some bittersweet admiration. Sparkling intensely with a radiance that gave off the appearance that his pelt was aflame, Firestar's fur was adorned with a glittery display of stars as if his body served as the replacement backdrop for the sky.
"Not that I'm not overjoyed to see you and all," Graystripe began amicably, "but why am I in what I can only presume to be StarClan? You better not be here to tell me I'm dead."
"Not this time," Firestar spoke evenly, eyeing him oddly. "I'm actually here to talk to you about Silverstream."
The smile immediately fell from Graystripe's face as a sharp pang rang through his heart.
"Please don't mention her name," he murmured, averting his gaze downward. As surprising as it may sound, she was the very last thing he wanted to talk about.
Firestar looked at him with sympathetic eyes. "Come on," he mewed, climbing to his paws. "I want to show you something. We'll talk on the way there."
Rather reluctantly, Graystripe rose to his paws and followed after Firestar through the overgrowth. They trailed on in uncomfortable silence, the mention of Silverstream having spoiled their state of merriment.
Every now and again Firestar would glance back at his gray companion whose attention seemed to permanently be focused on his paws. Firestar couldn't say he blamed Graystripe for his awkward behavior, considering the circumstances, but they weren't going to get anywhere if they both stayed silent.
"Since I came here, I've had a lot of time to myself to think," Firestar began slowly, watching Graystripe's expression closely for any change. "I've had a lot of time to reflect over my life, and in turn, yours as well." He saw Graystripe's whiskers twitch at this and became a bit more confident to continue. "The further I went back in time the more I realized just how harshly your life's played out up till now and just how negligent I had been to it and how you were feeling. I wasn't as attentive as a true friend should've been and for that I'm sorry."
Graystripe glanced up, surprised to hear such raw honest exhibiting from Firestar. This wasn't something he had been expecting.
Firestar met his gaze with an ardent stare, sharp and melancholic.
"You've suffered longer than most cats live. Every time I look back on our moons together, I only ever see you immersed in some kind of turmoil. Having to deal with the death of one kit while facing the reality that another one will never live a fully realized life. Tragedy after tragedy, and yet you still managed to exude an upbeat façade around all of us to the point where even I was fooled. And now it's come to my attention that you're in a rather complicated position. Something neither of us could've ever foreseen when you decided to take Millie as your mate."
"It's not something you need to concern yourself with," Graystripe responded weakly.
Firestar gruffly shook his head. "No, Graystripe, it's because I chose not to concern myself with your problems in the first place that's helped to cause so much strife in your life. I could've done something more to help you in your lowest moments, been a better friend. Something!"
Graystripe had never heard Firestar quite so angry before. He'd seen his old friend riled up and in a rage to stand up for his Clan, but never in this kind of light, never so besides himself.
They continued on the rest of the way in silence. Without a sense of time the landscape changed underneath from grassy fields to steep rocky hills.
"After that I began searching," Firestar spoke, starting back up the conversation, as he and Graystripe traversed the hillside.
"Searched for what?" Graystripe asked.
Firestar's face seemed set in stone as he uttered tersely, "A way to redo everything."
Curiosity pricked, Graystripe opened his mouth to press for further clarification when the hill began to slope down, becoming more gravelly and rocky.
Tailing closely behind, Firestar and he slid down the wide hill into a small alcove in the ground devoid of much of anything, save a few shrubs and what looked to be a narrow fox hole much too tight for either of them to fit through.
"This is it," Firestar mewed, coming to a stop before the foxhole and turning to fully face Graystripe. "This is my gift to you."
Graystripe peered over Firestar's shoulder at the foxhole, unsure of what to make of exactly what it was Firestar was offering to him.
"You mind explaining yourself?" Graystripe asked. "What is it exactly I'm supposed to be looking at here?"
"This is your one way trip to right those wrongs, Graystripe," Firestar intoned sharply, beginning to pace back and forth. "I went searching all throughout StarClan, placating to the most ancient of cats here for answers, and I found it here for you. A passageway to the past."
"What?" Graystripe yowled, staggering back as if he'd just been struck. His mind was reeling. Was Firestar actually serious? Did this small foxhole really serve as a gateway to the past?
"I only offer this because I know how much her death affected you," Firestar mewed, his gaze softening at the aghast look on Graystripe's face. "Given the chance, would you save her if you could?"
"Of course I would!" Graystripe snapped, a slight growl intermixed within it. "But i- this, do you know what you're asking me? I don't even know if it would be the right thing to do."
"No matter how much you regret Silverstream's death?" Firestar posed.
"Going back into the past wouldn't just save Silverstream. It'd changed so much more!"
"It's not fair to either of them, having to choose one over the other, you know?"
"It wouldn't be fair to erase Stormfur and Feathertail from history!"
"But it's not fair to Millie either when you still harbor feelings over another cat that isn't her."
Graystripe groaned, crouching down before covering his head with his paws. This was what he had been trying to avoid and now Firestar had gone and thrown it in his face. This was his biggest heartache. It all began the moment after Firestar's spirit had gone to StarClan and Silverstream had told him she'd be waiting for him.
Without giving it a seconds thought, just overwhelmed and overjoyed to see her, Graystripe had responded in turn, forgetting the fact that he was already in a loving relationship with Millie. What was he supposed to do? When he finally went on to join StarClan, who would he choose to be with, Mille or Silverstream?
It was infuriating! Why should he be forced to make such a drastic choice that would leave one or the other cat he loved absolutely crushed?
"It's not easy being in love with two different cats at the same time," he whispered morosely.
Firestar's eyes clouded over for a moment, an unseen memory streaming across them. "Believe me, old friend; I know that better than anyone." Firestar padded over to Graystripe and placed a comforting paw on his shoulder. "I'm giving you the chance to redo something that shouldn't have happened in the first place. You can save Silverstream. She can finally experience the life she was never able to. Your life's been burdened with a lot of trouble, Graystripe, and I just want to do my part to help lessen it. And who knows? Maybe this time around Millie will be the one that you decide to fall in love with first."
There were too many swirling thoughts and churning emotions for Graystripe to shuffle through at the moment. Save Silverstream? Did he dare defy the course of history? Would she still be the one to save him from the river and that be the last of it, or would Firestar as Fireheart found some way to rescue him?
What about the memories that they had shared together? He would be getting rid of those as well. Things would change. Stormfur and Feathertail would never be born, but it would also mean that they would never then be chosen for the prophecy of six that would eventually result in Feathertail's death.
It was too much to take in at one time. How could he, in good conscience, erase everything that he and Silverstream had had together? Sure it would rewrite the biggest travesty of his life, but was he honestly and truly willing to part with the same memories he so desperately clung to now?
What was more important? To have loved and lost or to have never loved in the first place if it meant that one person who possibly meant everything to you could have a second chance?
Graystripe slowly climbed back to his paws, a calm of resolute resonating throughout his being. He glanced at Firestar's expressionless face, watching stoically to see what choice he made. Graystripe's eyes darted from the foxhole and back, a hint of melancholy pulling at his heartstrings as he closed his eyes.
He didn't know what the right choice was, but there was only one thing that he could do.