Don't quite know what to say about this. It really was 2:55am when i started this, and it's now 3:47am. So go me.
Its 2:55 am and Stacey can't sleep. And part of her wonders if maybe she shouldn't have done this.
With this person. At this time. In her room. This was her last year of high school, maybe now wasn't the best time for the gay fling.
But its Claudia, and its perfect.
It's tears when they were thirteen and all little Stacey really wanted was just one bite of that Mars bar Claudia had.
It was innocent sleepover kisses, for practice, the innocent kisses they never had.
It was the fact that Claudia tastes much sweeter than Dawn or Mary Anne or Jessi.
And kissing Jessi, even when you were thirteen, came with that little bit of guilt, and little bit of shame, because the eleven year old giggled all the way through it, then wiped her mouth to get rid of germs. Mallory just stared and shook her head mutely.
Not that she seemed to have a problem now, as she and Mallory go hand in hand around the school, defiant in their minority status. Mal had lost the glasses and the braces, and gained confidence enough to give a big 'fuck you' to the world. And with Jessi, her talented and dedicated partner at her side, she didn't hold onto old friendships. Both girls just stopped texting, stopped meeting up with their older friends. They never even bothered formally telling Kristy or the others of the new relationship that had developed.
Mixed race lesbian couple. Stacey cringed. She hates that word. It just sounds weird. Gay is easier. Sounds better.
Claudia sighs in her sleep, and flings a hand out. It tangles in Stacey's hair and she pulls away slightly, then rearranges the covers for warmth. She slips her arm around Claudia. "Love you." She whispered.
Then she shook her head. Not cool. Not...dibbley? Was that the word? Stacey strained her memory. It was only three years ago- why can't she remember?
They'd drifted apart as ninth grade loomed and all of them began to contemplate growing up. Dawn and Mary Anne were close now because they were sisters, not friends. They loved each other at home, but during school hours avoided each other, as though they were biological siblings.
Mary Anne and Kristy were still friends, as far as Stacey knew. She'd never really had that much in common with either of them and as Kristy threw herself into sports, winning colours and ribbons, they'd become even more disconnected. She'd seen Mary Anne and Logan kissing under the bleachers once, saw Mary Anne's white knuckles as she gripped a tuft of grass and looked away, feeling ashamed for even seeing them.
Dawn had flirted with Stacey's crowd, trying the drinking and the parties. Her good looks and acerbic wit would have won her membership, if she hadn't fallen instead into the stoner crowd. Now, every word came slower, and every smile seemed brighter, but the girl Stacey had known was gone.
Stacey yawned. Claudia's hands were cold.
Claudia loved art. Her parents just couldn't handle that. They couldn't see the small improvements Claudia made. It's not that they didn't love her, but gradually, they just stopped seeing the good things. All they could see was what might have been. They didn't congratulate her for passing Remedial English. They didn't say 'well done' when she won a prize for her sculptures. They didn't think that a C plus on a particularly difficult maths test was any good. And so Claudia stopped trying.
She took three different Arts subjects, and scraped a pass in English. She counted down the days til she could leave school. And she left home one night, unable to bear the weight of her parents vicarious dreams. She crashed at Stacey's. Mrs McGill welcomed her with questions about her art class, and gave her the spare room, then a single bed in Stacey's room to stop them constantly visiting in the night, or tapping out messages through the wall. The weeks turned into months, and Claudia stayed. She had her own place in the house. And they were friends. Totally platonic. They were gossiping, about Mal and Jessi actually, when it happened.
"I always thought it would be Kristy." Stacey said, taking a sip of her diet coke.
Claudia nodded. "Me too. Still, she does have that soccer scholarship to Wesley. There's hope." Both girls laughed. "I mean, Mallory always had those awkward crushes on hideous boys, like Ben. And Jessi liked some dancer." Stacey continued. "And yet, here they are." Stacey fell silent for a moment, thinking, the continued. "remember the BSC sleepovers? Remember practicing kissing?"
Claudia nodded. "Mal never would. Neither would Kristy. "
'Neither would you." Stacey pointed out.
Claudia flinched. "I did too." She protested. "I kissed Mary Anne once."
A comfortable silence descended. Unable to let it go, Stacey spoke up again. "But you never kissed me. And I kissed everyone. I thought I was so mature."
Claudia smiled. "Yeah."
"How come?"
"Because I wanted to."
Stacey lay in silence, trying to understand this response. "What do you mean you..." she trailed off, a light bulb going off in her head.
"Oh."
"Yeah, oh." Misery was evident in Claudia's voice.
"Do you still want to?"
Stacey couldn't believe she'd dared to ask that. But her mind was swimming with memories.
Claudia, coming down from Stoneybrook to see her in the hospital.
Claud, painting her portrait a thousand times.
Giving her handmade earrings and bracelets and borrowing her lipstick and showing her the Japanese kanji that spelled out her name.
Claud, holding her hair when she was sick and reminding her to check her blood sugar when she was too hung-over to care.
Claudia crying because her family didn't come to her exhibition. Laughing with her and at her and around her.
It was her and it was Claudia and it didn't matter that they were girls, or that they were different, or that it would be hard.
It was just perfect.
And they loved each other.
And Claudia tasted sweet.