Owen stomped into the board room and sat heavily on a chair.
"Can we make this quick, Jack. I've got stuff to do."
"It's not my meeting," Jack told him, with a shrug. "Ianto called it."
Owen was about to make a comment about tea-boys calling meetings but decided he would get out of there much quicker if he let Ianto just get on with it. The Welshman stood and picked up a pile of papers.
"I want to discuss the misuse of equipment," he announced, trying to ignore the sudden guilty shuffling around him. "I'll start with Tosh and Gwen as they only have one count each."
Tosh stared down at the table as Ianto told the group how she'd been using the computer systems to do an in-depth background check on a potential date. She blushed furiously when Jack playfully admonished her for breaking into the Police Criminal Background database.
"I wanted to make sure he wasn't a nutter," she mumbled softly.
Next it was Gwen's turn. She had tried to think back to what her transgression was, but came up blank.
"Borrowing the SUV to go bed shopping with Rhys," Ianto supplied.
"I had permission for that," Gwen protested.
Ianto looked to Jack for confirmation.
"It's true. I said she could use it."
"That's fair enough," Ianto replied, somewhat testily. "But, that doesn't excuse you bringing it back scratched and dented."
"Oh. Sorry, Rhys dropped the bed when we were putting it in the back."
She had hoped Ianto wouldn't notice. Which, she realised with hindsight, was a particularly stupid hope.
"I'll pay for the damage."
Ianto gave her a polite nod, and then turned to the next page.
"Onto Owen," he continued. "Hacking into the CCTV to watch and record girls in the city centre."
Jack raised an eyebrow, Tosh giggled and Gwen glared at the medic. Dr Harper simply smiled and shrugged.
"That's perverted, Owen," Gwen told him pointedly. "And also very, very creepy."
Ianto pressed on, "Using the monitor in here to play video games."
"It's bigger than a computer screen," Owen told him. "Plus, the seats are comfy."
"Thirdly, using the fridge in the kitchen to store alien tissue samples."
"I ran out of room in autopsy."
"That's all very well, Owen, but that sample ate everything else that was in the fridge, and also the fridge."
"Fine," he held his hands up in surrender. "I'll replace it all."
Jack had been leaning back in his chair, enjoying the discussion, but then he saw the look in Ianto's eye. He got the sudden feeling he was in trouble.
"Let's talk about the photocopier Jack."
"I thought it would hold my weight."
"It didn't though, did it? Also, I dread to think what position you were in to get those images."
"I could demonstrate if you like."
Owen, Tosh and Gwen all groaned and rolled their eyes.
"No thank you, Jack," Ianto declined, barely keeping the smile off his face. "I also need to ask you what happened to the coffee machine."
"I needed a coffee and you weren't in. It wasn't my fault that bit came off in my hand."
"Next time, please just wait. You know I get in early"
"Unless you haven't left," muttered Owen, with a snort.
"We also need a new stapler," The Welshman continued, resolutely ignoring Owen.
"What did he do with a stapler?" Gwen queried.
"It doesn't matter," Ianto mumbled, momentarily losing some of his trademark composure.
Unfortunately, Jack wasn't going to let this one go. He took great delight in telling the team how he'd pinned Ianto to the desk by stapling through the fabric of his suit. Ianto's face was crimson by the time Jack finished his story, so he decided on revenge. The younger man had been going to save his final point until he and Jack were in private, but suddenly changed his mind.
"Finally, we come to the computer in your office."
Jack's smile faded as he realised what was coming next.
"It had to be replaced owing to the hard drive being irreparably corrupted."
He looked directly at Jack.
"Any idea what corrupted it?"
The captain remained silent, trying to glare at Ianto, but failing.
"I'll tell you shall I?" Ianto went on. "It was the 846 viruses brought in with all the downloaded porn."
"Okay people," said Jack, as he suddenly stood up. "Home time, I need to have a word with Mr Jones here."
"Is that what you're calling it now?" Gwen quipped as she hurried out of the room.
Once they were alone, Jack ripped the papers from Ianto's hand and threw them onto the table. Without warning, he grabbed the younger man's shoulders and pushed him against the wall of the board room.
"There is one piece of Torchwood equipment that doesn't get anywhere near enough misuse."
He took Ianto's left hand and positioned it on his red hot crotch. The Welshman could feel Jack's cock straining against his trousers and rubbed his hand against it. Jack gave out a low growl which in turn caused Ianto's own cock to start twitching.
"Maybe we should do something about that then, Sir."