It's weird thinking back on telling people about being raped. I don't mean the trial, that was difficult sure, but I mean looking my friends in the eye and telling them what had happened to me and waiting for the inevitable pity or the disgust that I was so afraid of. I don't think I would have done it at all if Ms. Sauve hadn't encouraged me to confide in the people I trust.

Hazel already knew, as did Ashley. Both of them had been super supportive and decent. They too encouraged me to talk about it with others I felt comfortable with.

And even with all of them telling me I should I have to say it was probably JT that made it easier for me to do so. I mean sitting outside with him in his little mascot suit pestering me to tell him what had me, the Queen of Degrassi, running scared and totally ashamed. Blurting it out and seeing such a look of compassion in his eyes, I knew he liked me but nothing I saw then had anything to do with him crushing on me. I was confused when he left his mascot head on the wall next to me and rushed back into the school. Getting to the gym and finding him shoving Dean around and then take a swing at him. I felt so connected to him then, anybody could see he didn't have the slightest hope of winning against Dean but there he was still trying. Still defending me even though it nearly got him suspended along with nearly getting his head knocked in.

Spinner was also immensely supportive and caring. He hadn't believed Hazel at first and I couldn't really blame him I suppose, but when he saw JT fighting him he put it together that I hadn't wanted it to happen. I think Dean was getting tired of getting shoved around that day and really I couldn't have cared less. And when Spin sat down with me and gently let me know that not all guys were like that it helped me feel like maybe I wasn't so damaged after all.

Telling my brother was awful. When my parents and I sat down with him and I told him what happened he stood up and turned his back to us all. I had never felt so rejected in all my life. When he turned back around I saw a look of rage like I had never seen before. That look scared me so bad and I thought he meant it for me. When I started to cry his features instantly softened and he came striding over to me and wrapped me in a hug whispering over and over "No Paigey, not you. I'm not mad at you." I cried on his shoulder as he held me and stroked my hair. My parents came over and for the first time ever we stood in a family hug. And I didn't even feel the slightest bit stupid about it either.

I let Dylan tell Marco. I waited upstairs and was pacing around my room when I heard feet padding up the stairs. My door flew open and I suddenly had 105 pounds of tiny Italian boy flying at me engulfing me in a desperate embrace. He pulled back at me and said in an intensely serious voice, "Please tell me you're going to let Dylan kick his ass and then I can kick him while he's curled in the fetal position." I laughed then. The first time I had found anything even remotely funny in all of this.

Jimmy, telling Jimmy was bad too. He's a pretty laid back guy but when you push him too far he snaps and it can get pretty ugly. I told him at his house, his parents were out of town, quelle suprise, and I stood in his living room looking down at my shoes and twisting my fingers nervously. I think my nervousness unnerved him as he was unused to me being anything but totally confident. When I finally got up the nerve I asked him, "You remember at the tournament when JT started fighting with that player from Bardell?" He nodded mutely. "He uh- he did it because he found out that um... Ok you remember the night of that party after the soccer game?" He nodded again. "Uh- God, I need to just say it. Dean raped me." I had expected surprise but found none. He just titled his head to the side and opened his arms to me. I walked into the embrace and felt him settle his chin on top of my head. "You knew didn't you?" I asked, my voice muffled against his shirt. "Yeah, I knew. I heard JT say something about the guy being a rapist. I sort of put it together." I pulled back and looked at him. "You never said anything." He smiled his famous Jimmy Brooks smile. "I figured you come to me when you were ready. I wanted you to be as comfortable around me as possible and didn't want to push you into talking about it if you didn't want to." I smiled up at him and found that for once the tears in my eyes weren't those of sadness or fear but gratitude.

I waited to tell Alex until we had been dating for awhile. We were curled up on her couch watching movies and she had her arms wrapped around me from behind. We were watching that Britney Spears movie Crossroads and she felt me tense up when they were describing Mimi's date rape by Kit's boyfriend. She reached over me to the remote and turned the television off. Sliding her arms around me carefully she just lay with me there, her head resting on my shoulder. We were quiet for a long time, just laying there feeling each other's warmth. After awhile she dropped a kiss on my neck and asked softly "Do you want to tell me?" I did and I didn't. I had talked about my rape a lot and was getting kind of tired of the topic, I mean I never even mentioned it to Matt, not that we really did anything beyond kissing. But on the other hand, the fact that mentioning it in a movie still brought it to my mind meant that maybe I still needed to talk about it. I turned over so I was on my back looking up at her. Her brown eyes were shining with emotion and I knew she had some idea of what I was about to say. So I told her in as few words as I could and in an effort to put it to rest once and for all. Before she could react the sound of keys in the door alerted us to Emily and Chad's arrival. I got up from the couch and made my goodnights and fled from a memory that followed me more closely than my own shadow.

The next day at school I opened my locker and a note fell out. I opened it and found a poem.

When Our Two Souls (Sonnet 22)

When our two souls stand up erect and strong,

Face to face, silent, drawing nigh and nigher,

Until the lengthening wings break into fire At either curvèd point,—what bitter wrong

Can the earth do to us, that we should not long Be here contented? Think. In mounting higher,

The angels would press on us and aspire To drop some golden orb of perfect song

Into our deep, dear silence. Let us stay Rather on earth, Belovèd,—where the unfit

Contrarious moods of men recoil away And isolate pure spirits, and permit

A place to stand and love in for a day,

With darkness and the death-hour rounding it.

Elizabeth Barret Browning Beneath the poem was a hand written note.

Paige,What you told me last night, it doesn't change anything for me. Doesn't diminish you or how I feel about you. I know you aren't perfect but you are the closest I've found. Don't ever believe this defines you. You're who you are because that's who you've chosen to be.

Alex

P.S. I can kill him if you want me to.

It's been weird telling people about it. But as I look back on all the love and support I have received I can finally let this go. I'm not haunted anymore.

I sit back down in my seat and regard the group of men and women that surrounds me. They are all survivors of sexual assault and together we are getting past our ordeals. I know telling them the story about the people who have been there for me was just as important as telling the people I care about. I also know that it won't inspire everyone, but it might inspire someone to find a person they trust to tell their secret to. And I also know that when the meeting lets out I will walk out to the parking lot and find my girlfriend waiting there with her constant and willing support. With her unwavering love and devotion. And what's more, I know that when I leave this room, she's all that's going to be on my mind.