A Monkey with a Bottle of Motrin

I decided to do another Clinic Duty story, just because.

I don't own House MD or any related characters, I ripped them off completely.

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I finished with my woman 'cause she
Couldn't help me with my mind
People think I'm insane because
I am frowning all the time.

-Paranoid, by Black Sabbath

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Nancy the desk nurse sat waiting for Dr House. It was Tuesday, which means that he has clinic duty. She was surprised to see Dr Cuddy bring House in on a wheelchair. "What, happened?"

"Nothing, happened" replied Cuddy "He just refused to go to the clinic unless I wheeled him here."

"She also has to take me to each of the exam rooms."

"Dr House, you should be ashamed of yourself. Someone might need that chair"

"If they needed a wheelchair, chances are that they already own one."

Nancy knew that there was something wrong with that logic, but she just couldn't put her finger on it. "Your first patient is in room three. He's says he has joint pain and fatigue."

House took the file, read it and said "Okay, let's get this over with. Hya, mule!"

"Stop saying that!"

Nancy sighed, when House decided to be a burden just for fun then it was likely going to be a long day.

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Cuddy wheeled House into the exam room, joining a now confused patient.

"Uh, this room is taken."

"Yes sir, this is Dr House. He will be treating you today. I'll be right outside if you need me."

"Thank you, slave. Now, Mr Porter..."

"Dude, was she really your slave? 'Cause I think that's illegal."

House gave him a sad smile "Oh, you're just a special little guy aren't you? Now, you say that you are suffering from joint pain and fatigue." A blank stare from the patient "That means you're tired and achy."

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Dude, I think I've got the bends."

"... Right. Have you been deep sea diving recently?"

"No."

"Have you been in any high pressure hyperbaric chambers lately?"

"Hyper-bypo...?"

"I'll take that as a no. Have you been under any high amounts of pressure?"

"Naw man, I'm not under any pressure. I've got a no show job at my dad's factory."

"I mean atmospheric pressure."

"...?"

"Compressed air!"

"Ohhhh! No."

Getting impatient, House said "Then what makes you think you have the bends?"

"'Cause, like, one of my friends had it, and he said that he the joint pain and fat-fati-fatigy. Fatigwa?"

"FATIGUE!"

"Yeah, that. He caught it right after he got back from scuba diving"

"That's because he was in a high... Never mind." House trailed off because frankly he didn't think the idiot in front of him could understand the complexities of the bends.

"Well, whatever it is, can you cure it by Thursday? That's when I have my swim meet."

"If I don't know what it is I can't...your what?"

"My swim meet. If we win we go to state, so I kinda have to be there."

"I'll assume you've been training for this swim meet by swimming often?"

"Every day."

House was about to tell him that over training would account for his symptoms, but he decided instead to have a little fun. "Well, then, that's why you have the bends."

"Dude, really?"

"Totally. You probably spent too much time in the water, like your friend."

"You don't think the other guys on my team caught it from me, do you?"

"No, they should be fine."

"Well, what should I do?"

"Go home, stay in bed, and above all else, STAY DRY! If you can do that, you should be alright for Thursday."

"Dude, thanks man. You. Rock."

He ran out, passing Cuddy in the hall. "Hey, slave lady. That guy. Sweet!"

Cuddy walked into the exam room to get House, "He sure was in a good mood. What did you do, give him your secret stash?"

"No, I just helped him find a way to keep dry while he swam."

"Do I want to ask?"

"Nope."

"Okay, then"

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Cuddy and House returned for another file, because she had refused his idea of leaving early. Eight hours early.

"Mrs McNair is in room six, she says it's about her son."

House took the file, and handed it to Cuddy. "Read it to me while I take my pills."

"It says that she suspects a hormonal deficiency. House, this looks serious, maybe I should sit in with you."

"I can handle it, beside what does she know about hormones? Kid falls down, parents think it's epilepsy. 'Little Jimmy doesn't like math. It must be ADD.' The kid's probably fine."

"Just the same, I'd like to be in there. The last thing a worried parent needs is an unfiltered dose of House."

"Fine, but I call the good chair."

"You're in a wheel chair!"

"I need to put up my feet."

"(sigh) Fine"

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"Good evening, Mrs McNair. I'm Dr Cuddy, this is Dr House. How is little... Jimmy?" Cuddy cringed 'God his name really is Little Jimmy'

"Doctor, my son is horribly ill. I think his hormones are over producing"

House spoke up "And what would make you think that?"

"Well, his...uhm. He has a...well."

"Ma'am, we're here to help. You can tell us anything." That was Cuddy talking, as if you couldn't tell.

"Well, he does...boy things."

House deadpanned "A boy doing boy things. So tragic, how can you go on?"

"HOUSE! Um, excuse him ma'am. He has...issues. Now what exactly do you mean by 'boy things'?"

"Well, you know. BOY things. Like a boy."

"Like a boy how?"

"What Dr Cuddy is trying to say is what behavior is your son exhibiting which you describe ever-so-helpfully as boy things?"

The lady gave House a sharp look and said "He is...displaying prominence"

"What?"

"His...personals...are...exhibiting."

House rolled his eyes "Ma'am are you saying your son has an erection?"

SMACK!

The woman slapped House with enough force to knock him out of his chair. Cuddy stood there, mouth agape.

"How DARE you use such language in front of my son! I had no IDEA that this place was such a-a-a SMUT EMPORIUM!"

"Ma'am, Dr House was using purely clinical terms and meant no offence!"

"You're excusing this?! I am taking my son to a reputable clinic, you... TROLLOP!"

And with that, the looney marched out with her son. House stared at Cuddy. "Thanks for your help."

"What was I supposed to do? You were already on the ground by the time I realized what happened." Cuddy helped House back into his chair

"Should we call security?"

"Do you want to keep her here any longer?"

"NO!"

"Then we don't call security"

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Nancy heard the lady yelling, and when Cuddy wheeled House into the waiting room she saw that he had a bruised jaw. "What did he do this time?"

"I didn't do anything, she got pissed because I said 'erection'."

"That's it?"

"I was there, he didn't do anything wrong for once."

"What do you mean 'for once'?"

"Oh, come on House. Almost every day someone comes in complaining that you insulted or humiliated them."

"It's not every day, now is it? And why did you say I had 'issues'?"

"Because you do have issues."

"Not like that kid's going to have."

"Another file please, Nancy."

"Do we have to keep doing this? Can't we go back to your office for 'Nap Time'?"

"We are never going to have nap time."

Nancy interrupted, "Mr Rogers is in room three, he is suffering from back pain."

"It must be from all those trips to the land of Make Believe"

"Don't you DARE say that in front of him!"

And Cuddy drove House into the exam room, all the while trying to make him stop singing "It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood".

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After making their introductions, Dr Cuddy asked "You said you had a back ache?"

"Well, not really."

"Excuse me?"

"Well, I just didn't want to tell too many people, it's kind of embarrassing"

"Mr Rogers, we are professionals, we're not here to judge"

House added "Yeah, just last week some idiot managed to glue himself to a dog. "

"HOUSE! I'm sorry sir, I'll have him wait outside."

Cuddy steered House outside, and sat him in front of the window. House, lacking anything better to do, watched as Mr Rogers described his symptoms to Cuddy. He pointed towards his backside, made a pounding gesture, and then waved his arms wildly. Cuddy's face took on a look of disgust and horror, at one point she stepped closer to the garbage can, as if she felt she couldn't keep her lunch down. When Mr Rogers finished his description, Cuddy stepped outside and waved over a nurse. "Please schedule Mr Rogers for an emergency bowel surgery."

Several doctors brought Mr Rogers out on a stretcher, and took him to surgery. House asked "What the Hell was that?"

"Don't ask me. For as long as you live don't ever ask me."

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Cuddy and House, finished with their rounds, made their way towards the front door. House stood up, wheeled the chair back to the front desk, and said to Cuddy "Well, see you tomorrow. Bring your walking shoes."

"Are you going to make me do this every day?"

"I suppose you could give me a pass on my clinic duty..."

"No, House"

"Well would you at least tell me what Mr Rogers did that got you so grossed out?"

Cuddy sighed, and leaned in and whispered in House's ear.

"He used a coat hanger?!"

"Yep."

"What made him think that a motorcycle ride would help?"

"Don't ask me."

"And how can you loose an egg like that?"

"I don't know. See you tomorrow."

And with that they went home, the Beauty and the insufferable-asshole Beast.

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There, it's done. Hopefully now other authors will be inspired to write more clinic duty stories. Please read and review