He stared at his wife, watching as she flitted around the kitchen while she cooked tonight's dinner. He saw Goten fly up beside her, seemingly done with the homework his wife wanted him to do. He talked to her happily before she gave him a small sip of what she was cooking. His son perked up, telling something to his mother as Chichi smiled and ruffled his hair. Not soon after that, Goten left her side as he began to set the table for all of them.
I was dead when Goten was born.
Goku bit back the sigh that he was about to release.
He wasn't really thinking when he first said that. He didn't even know why he said that! And so happily too. He was lucky that Goten or Chichi wasn't there. He wouldn't know what to do if they did hear him.
He heard his son's laugh coming from the kitchen, Chichi's exasperated call of his name following suit. He couldn't help but smile as he listened in while Chichi scolded Goten for trying to steal some gyoza before dinner. After all, he'd be doing the same thing too.
I was dead when Goten was born.
Slowly, he felt his smile turn into a frown.
He never really thought about it. Chichi never brought it up, and he never really did ask either. It's just that Chichi didn't seem to want to talk about it, and he didn't see the point of bringing it up if she didn't want to.
He just didn't think it was going to affect him his much.
Ever since he said those words, something's been bugging him. And usually training would keep him off of things until he didn't remember them, but since Beerus-sama told Whis-san not to train him as punishment and Kaoi-sama refused to let him in his planet, he was stuck on Earth, and with his thoughts.
I was dead when Goten was born.
He was. That was the truth. He didn't regret staying dead for that seven years. After all, nothing happened to Earth at that time right? They were safe, just like what he wanted.
What he did regret though, was leaving his family behind.
He knew that dying meant he had to leave them, that he had to miss Gohan growing up (and he grew up to be such an amazing man. He's so so proud of him). He had to miss Chichi slowly transforming (but even then she'll always be beautiful in his eyes). And apparently, he had to miss their family getting bigger too (and his heart breaks every time he thought about it).
Missing Goten's first years were one of the things he wished he could have back. It wasn't his fault, he knew. He didn't know Chichi was pregnant with him after all. None of them did. But knowing that he wasn't there when he was born killed him more than Cell's explosion did. That he wasn't there when Chichi was giving birth to him. That he wasn't there when he first spoke, wasn't there when he took his first steps, wasn't there when he began to learn the world around him.
Goku never did dwell long on these kinds of thoughts. After all, he was alive, and well, and he was finally here living with them. There was no use thinking of the past.
But it didn't mean it never bothered him.
It hurt knowing that Goten, who looked so much like him it was almost like seeing a younger version of him, didn't have a father during those seven years he was dead.
And it hurt even more, knowing that his wife and oldest son, had to shoulder such heavy responsibilities without him by their side.
He didn't regret dying, he just regretted leaving them behind.
"Otou-san!" Goten's cry interrupted him from his thoughts. He looked down just to see his youngest son's smiling face. "What are you doing just standing there? Okaa-san's been calling you for dinner. Come on, we don't want dinner to get cold."
Goku let himself stare at Goten for a few moments, before he gave him his own smile and nodded.
"You're right," he snickered, grabbing Goten and carried him towards the dining table. "I'm sure your cooked something great again. We're going to eat so good."
As he listened to Goten's laugh, there was only one thought in his mind.
He was here, he was alive, and that's all that mattered.
I was dead when Goten was born.
Damn it.
He sighed as he opened his eyes to stare at ceiling. He thought he was over this. Apparently he wasn't.
He looked to the side to see Chichi sleeping soundly, having no idea of his dilemma.
Goku turned his body to face her, folding his arm to support his head as he watched her sleep.
He wondered what was it like when she found out she was having another child, their child. She did have a hard time with Gohan after all. They didn't know it at the time, but his Saiyan genes must have been the one who made it difficult for her to carry the child. He remembered feeling so scared when Gohan was born. She lost a lot of blood, and he was afraid he was going to lose her.
But she here, alive and well.
He brushed strands of her hair from her face. He began running his hand through her hair, idly playing with it as he was taken over by his thoughts once more.
Was it like that with Goten? Did she have any problems at all? How did she manage raising both Gohan and Goten when he wasn't there? What exactly happened when he was gone?
Chichi slowly began to blink her eyes open, making him stop. Chichi blinked one last before finally directing her droopy eyes to him. "Goku?" she mumbled drowsily.
He gave her a sheepish smile. "Sorry, did I wake you?"
Chichi only grumbled and turned away from him, pulling the blankets with her. "Go back to sleep, Goku. It's too early."
Goku only laughed quietly before slowly stopping to roll on his back.
"Nah Chichi," he began, his voice turning serious. "Was it hard?"
"Hmm?" Chichi hummed sleepily. "What was?"
"Ya know, when you had Goten?" He turned to look at her unsurely not knowing how his wife was going to take this, even if he could kinda guess it already.
He saw her tense up before she finally answered.
"Can we talk about this tomorrow? I'm tired and I want to sleep," she replied, which is exactly what he was expecting.
"Oh come on, Chi," he turned to face her once more. "We never talked about this. You never told me what happened when I was gone."
"Because I don't want to talk about it," she answered curtly, pulling on the blankets even more that he didn't anything to cover him at all. Goku knew that he should just drop it at this point, but something in him didn't want to ignore it. After all, they'll probably forget about it tomorrow and they'll never be able to talk about this whole thing until he remembered again.
"Chichi," he spoke her name softly, putting his hand on her shoulder gently. "Tell me, please. I want to know."
She didn't speak for a long time, the room completely silent save for the cicada's outside their open window. Goku was about to give up, thinking that she chose to fall asleep before she suddenly spoke.
"It was… difficult," she said, still not looking at him. Goku felt his heart hurt, but he ignored it and listened some more.
"I was angry at you," she continued. "For- for everything, for dragging Gohan into the fight, for leaving me, leaving us, and for leaving me another child when you're not there to stay by my side anymore.
"Goten- he was worse than Gohan," she admitted quietly, and slowly dread filled Goku. "He moved more than Gohan did, and he kicked hard. He was much bigger too." Slowly, she turned to face him, and even in the dark, Goku could see the shine of her eyes from unshed tears. "I guess he was so much like you even as a baby," she joked quietly, and even if he knew she was trying to making him laugh, but it could only make him grimace.
"He cried a lot too," she continued, snuggling into the blanket. "Sometimes, I was too tired I couldn't wake up for him. It was a good thing Gohan was there when I couldn't. Oh Goku, he's such a good brother I don't know what I would have done if he wasn't there."
Goku felt his breath hitch in his throat as he gingerly wrapped his arms around her. He should have expected this, he knew this was what happened. It still hurt to hear it.
"I'm sorry," he whispered as he buried his face to her hair. "I should have been there. It's ju-"
"I know," Chichi interrupted him. "You did it for us. I understand." She cupped his face with her hands, directing him to look at her. "I understand why you did it. I'm not angry at you anymore."
"But you- Gohan- Goten- I was dead!" he exclaimed in anguish. He couldn't understand how she could just forgive him so easily, not when he gave her so much hardship.
"You were dead," she said, her eyes hardening as she looked directly into his. "You are here. You are alive, and that's all that matters. Gohan will know that his father loves him and proud of him. Goten will grow up knowing you are here beside him, loving him, and being proud of him. And I will know that my husband is alive and well, eating all our food, and that is all I ask for."
Goku stared at her in awe, admiring how this small woman who can barely hurt him, bring him up without any effort, making him love her more than he knew could.
He squeezed her tighter to him, ignoring her protest as he peppered her with kisses.
Goku missed a lot when he was dead, things he probably won't be able to experience, but there was no use dwelling on the past or what ifs. Because he was alive, and he was breathing, and he was there to grow with his family, and honestly, that's all that matters.
End