I do not own Harry Potter. There's a lot of cursing, alcohol and sex. Beware.

1

My relationship with Draco has always been a rollercoaster. We've known each other our entire lives basically, and we were urged together already as children. I hated him at first. He was selfish and he always decided what we were to play, never consulting me. He never played with my dolls or read my favourite tale (Babbitty Rabbitty and her Cackling Stump); no, he always forced me out in the mud, playing rough Quidditch – as if I were a boy. We always had a thing for each other – Draco usually hated girls – and I usually only hung out with girls. But there was something that made us two like each other.

So last year, fourth year, we got together after the Yule ball, snogging for the first time. Then we were sort of together, on and off for the rest of the school year. And everything was perfect except for when we argued (which, for the record, was a lot). Then we started fifth year and everything turned bad. Back to reality after a lovely summer together. We started fighting more, and everything turned to shit basically. If there's anyone who can make me feel utterly useless, it's him. I don't even know why we started fighting – I think basically it was because fifth year was more difficult, at least for me. I had to study loads. Also, he didn't like it when I hung out with my friends in my spare time instead of him. I had a difficult enough time balancing friends and school-work, and having a boyfriend just seemed to be getting in the way. That sounds horrible – and I don't know how it was because Draco brainwashed me into thinking I did everything wrong; being a bitch for only seeing him late at night sleeping together and not managing to see him in the days. But it wasn't like that from my point of view – I saw him at nights, crept into his dormitory, because I loved sleeping next to him, feeling the safety of his arms around me – because I loved him so much.

But he said I didn't appreciate him enough, he became colder towards me, and started making up stories that I was cheating on him and bringing up old things that happened almost a year before in our relationship. We had a massive fight one day at Prefect patrols. What I remember most clearly of what he said to me that night was "you're such a bloody slag and I never cared about you anyway!" – heartless things like that that he says to his girlfriend of almost a year, with the only motive to hurt me. Basically he split up with me. I was heartbroken for a month, tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't read my notes I wingardium'd at him in Charms class, he walked away whenever I tried approaching him in the common room, and he didn't show up for prefect duties.

But then one night he did. Just as I came out into the dark dungeon outside Slytherin common room, I heard the portrait swinging open another time. I turned around and there he was, coming towards me. We just stood and looked at each other for a moment, my heart was beating fast, and he was looking unusually humble. Then he just came up and hugged me, held me really. I almost started crying. I remember breathing in his scent and feeling like I was complete again and just holding on for dear life. I couldn't work without him. Remembering this, my stomach still turns over and my heart jumps. Same if I run into him. But anyway. We had sex that night, because we missed each other so terribly, sickly much. I fooled myself into thinking it meant we were getting back together, I kept telling myself he'd approach me the next day because the possibility of us being over was... unreal.

I knew I'd never become as close to anyone else, I couldn't possibly – he was my favourite person in the whole world and I knew I'd been that person for him as well, for almost a year. But he ignored me the next day. He was out of bed when I woke up. He wasn't at breakfast in the Great Hall either, nor in Potions class, or any of the lessons we had that day. I tried talking to him the day after that, but he ignored me. Finally two days later I sent him a note in class. 'What's going on?' I wrote. I glanced at him when he received it. His head was laying low – he refused to look at me. His face was cold, and the same cold spread through me when I read his response in clear black ink. Inescapable. 'Nothing'.

I was empty for months and felt like I'd had a Dementor's kiss – soulless. Nobody could cheer me up, not my friends, not my parents, or anyone. I just kept on living but not really living, the days just passed and I had a big hole inside of me that nothing could fill – and I just couldn't be happy. I don't know why I didn't try to talk to him, persuade him, make him see senses – I didn't even try. I suppose I wanted him to do it and I suppose in the same way time tells all because he didn't give two shits about me because he slept with me and didn't give to shits to keep in touch after. It hurt so much, thinking about it all the time, repeating what I'd done wrong in my head, mentally breaking myself down, thinking all I ever was to him was a shag, he never loved me like he'd said he did a hundred times during our relationship – hell, probably never even liked me, while he always had my heart and still did. It hurt so much.

I never got whole again.

It's been a year now. We had sex a year ago. We've just started sixth year and we never speak.

I've been with my friends, done school-work. I've got great marks now. And I'm bored shitless, and my life is empty. I've been focusing on school so much during last year and the first month now of this year simply because I've been needing a distraction, but it's not working.

I'm not happy. I must change something. I must.

2

My life lately has been very laid-back. I don't do much except prefect duties and school-work. Naturally, I've got my best friends without whom I wouldn't last a day in Hogwarts – Daphne Greengrass, who I've known my entire life and who is like a sister to me – blonde and both bitchy and adorably nice (she's the prettiest girl in Slytherin and loves to flirt – she and Blaise Zabini who happens to be Draco's best mate has an on and off relationship similar to how me and Draco were, but the difference is that they keep cheating on each other). Tracey Davis, the clever brunette in our group, she's the one who gets us to study. Millicent Bulstrode, a female Crabbe and Goyle if you will, but she's a loyal friend and she always has my back. And Aurelia Runcorn, a fellow Death Eater's daughter - altough, that is not something us Slytherins talk openly about, despite common perception.

The boys in our year are Draco Malfoy – smug wanker living off his father's reputation; Blaise Zabini – who loves nothing but his mum, beer and sex; Theodore Nott – the only normal one and one of my good friends (at least he was, before me and Draco split up…); Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle – who mostly hangs after Draco. We used to hang out loads with the older blokes as well – like Montague, Pucey, Warrington and them. I was best friends with all the lads. But then me and Draco broke up and naturally he got custody…

It's sick how me and Draco have managed to not speak for a year despite going to the same boarding school. Not until this weekend, that is.

Friday evening, when finally our last History of Magic lesson ended, us girls went down to the Great Hall for dinner. There was a bubbly and exciting atmosphere in the Hall – everyone was excited for the weekend. We'd only been back in school for little more than three months but I knew at least me and my friends were sick of it.

After dinner, us girls went down to the dormitory which we all share and started getting ready for the evening, doing our makeup and sipping on some elf-made wine meanwhile. Then we sneaked out to Hogsmeade. Giggling through the dungeons, until we found the secret passage behind the portrait of the one-eyed witch on the forth floor.

Imagine my surprise when we enter Hog's Head and the lads are all there. Including Draco. Soon as I saw him, my stomach started aching and my heart skipped a beat and I felt like I wanted to vomit. It'd been so long… He saw me too - we got that eye contact, which made me completely weak. I didn't want to see him, and he was sitting with two girls on each side of him. It was so awkward. And naturally all my girlfriends walked up and said hello to the boys, and I would've too if he wasn't there - since I know all those lads. I didn't. Millicent immediately looked at me when we saw that Draco was there, and she took me by the hand and went to another table and we sat down there.

The girls came round and sat down after saying hello to the lads. They immediately dived in and started throwing questions at me, it was all a blur. "Draco's here, bloody hell! You haven't hung out with him for, what, a year, yeah?" "Why didn't you say hi?" "Do you want him back?" "Did see you see all those girls the boys are with, and there were two of them who were like clinging onto to him, he's such a fucking player, you don't want him back." (Last one was Daphne, decisive as ever naturally).

They were basically just asking all the questions I was asking myself in my head. I felt overwhelmed suddenly – sat and not at all excited to go out. I just wanted to go home and cry in my bed basically. The girls noticed that and tried to cheer me up. "Don't be sad! Love, you're much better than him and he knows that as well!" "Yeah, come on; let's get you a boy to forget about this."

That last comment made me realise that no other boy would make me happy because he was the only one who could do that. I felt even more down. I cast a glance towards the boys crowded table and saw that Draco had leaned over, slightly distancing himself from the two girls, towards Theodore and Blaise, looking like they were whispering - I looked really hastily but I managed to see that Draco looked awkward; holding his hand over his mouth slightly stroking it and his eyes flickering round my way. I decided to not look at him again that night, and try to have fun with my friends but it felt impossible because he was all I thought about.

Of course I wanted him back. I couldn't even fool myself – how was I going to fool my friends, his friends or him?

Millicent stayed with me all the time. The girls went to get drinks and, sipping on my pint of lager, I glanced over and noticed Draco fiercely snogging on of the girls next to him. Blonde and in a tight little dress, he was running his hand up her thigh and I felt sick. Then they broke apart and he sent a glance our way before grabbing his beer and taking a swig of it. Wanker.

"Why would he do that?" said Tracey irritatedly who, like everybody else, had noticed.

"He's trying to make her jealous obviously" said Daphne disdainfully. She's always hated Draco, and he didn't exactly love her either. "But she won't be, will she, Pans?"

I rolled my eyes.

"He's a wanker" said Aurelia firmly.

"Can we leave?" I said suddenly, not having spoken since I first saw him. Everyone nodded and murmured "Yeah, of course."

"No, Pansy, come on" Daphne whined, "We just got here, nobody's finished their drinks. Just don't let it bother you. Let's just have fun!"

I didn't reply.

Suddenly Theodore got up over at the other table and made his way to us.

"All right, girls?"

Everyone greeted him merrily except me, and he carefully placed himself between Millicent and me.
He chitchatted to the group a few moments before turning to me and whispering: "So, running into your ex, yeah, is that all right for you?"

I couldn't tell if he was sympathetic or enjoying it, as if he thought everything was all right and that it would be fun if me and Draco got off again or something – it was probably the later alternative seeing as Theodore was a bloke. It made me irritated and I couldn't manage to be my cheerful and social self.

I took a sip of my drink, didn't look at him and muttered: "Are you getting at something?"

Theodore made a woo-sound. "Oh, someone's sensitive!"

"Yeah, because I wanted to go out with my friends and not deal with this rubbish, I mean look at him, snogging her and looking at me to make me jealous? What the hell - are we in primary or what? He's pathetic." I hadn't realised that my voice had got loud and that all the girls had quietened down and had all heard. Everyone was looking at me like they felt sorry for me, pitied me. Fuck it, I thought. I sighed and got up. "I'm going to the loo."

"Do you want me to come with you?" asked Aurelia carefully.

"YES!" I said harshly.

Theodore looked stunned and half-called: "Pansy, I'm sorry".

Me and Aurelia had our backs to the table already and were on our way to the loo.

While in the loo, I stumbled to the toilet and sat down, shaking. Aurelia locked and turned to me, a sad look on her face.

"How are you feeling?"

I didn't answer.

"I mean – I know you're feeling horrible. What do you want to do? He's being a proper twat, he really is, I'm sorry."

"Don't say sorry, Ari, it's not your fault."

"I know but it breaks my heart when he does this to you. I hate to see you sad."

I sighed, feeling my eyes watering. "Fuck," I muttered. As two tears spilled down from my eyes , Aurelia rushed forward to embrace me and I sobbed out : "I love him. Fuck! I can't be here, Aurelia!"

"I know, love, I know. It's horrible, it really is…"

Then there was a knock on the door.

"Aurelia? Pansy?" a male voice was heard – I recognised it as Blaise's.

Aurelia called back "Yes?" while I exclaimed: "Sod off, Blaise!" drowning her voice.

We reckoned he left because it was quiet, except for the beat of the low pub-music outside. I recognised the Weird Sisters' new song. We were quiet for a moment while I controlled my crying that was about to break out and postured myself. I would not give Draco the satisfaction of seeing he had an effect on me. I quickly put on some new rogue and we left the loo. I tried to look confident walking back to our table, not glancing at the boys' table. Theodore had gone back to his place beside Draco - backstabber. He used to be one of my best friends.

The girls had finished their first lager and bought a new round, apparently putting their money together for one for me as well. "Thank you," I said for the beer and drank it really fast. It went on, I fake laughed with the others, we danced a little and primarily drank more.

"SHOTS, DAPH!" I called out merrily, about an hour later when I was a bit drunk.

Daphne cried out happily and called back "SHOTS!" and she reached for my hand while the others cheered and we went over to the bar and ordered a round of tequila shots. And while we waited for our order, I felt something creep up behind me.

I hastily turned around as someone whispered "Love, I'd pull down my dress a bit if I were you" in my ear, to stare him right in the face – Draco, with a sleazy, smug look on his face. I frowned, stunned and disgusted, but still with a pounding heart.

"Yeah," he laughed out disdainfully and cast a look at Crabbe and Goyle who were next to him. "Suppose that's your new thing, showing off the goods?"

I gaped and turned around to the bar, feeling like I could start crying. Why would he say things like that? I hadn't done anything to him, he dumped me for fuck's sake.

"Glad to see you're a dick as usual," Daphne muttered to him. "That was well immature."

Crabbe and Goyle sniggered which made me really angry because they used to be my friends, for a long time.

I tried to ignore Draco, I felt sick as if I was about to vomit and since I couldn't be cocky with him I figured I might as well let him say whatever was on his chest to get it over with.

"Yeah? I'm immature?" said Draco, laughing at Daphne. "Mate, leave it," said Goyle. Crabbe was ordering their lager.

"Yeah, listen to him and piss off back to your sluts over there in the corner!" said Daphne angrily.

Draco looked a little stunned and swayed slightly, obviously drunk. I got my table of shots and turned on my heel and walked back to our table.

"Yeah, just leave Pansy, extremely mature, aren't you?" Draco called out after me. I heard Crabbe and Goyle telling him to calm down and they went back to their table.

Daphne hurried after me. "Bloody hell, what a tosser! But you do know that he was looking at you like his heart was about to break when you walked off and Crabbe and Goyle had to drag him along to their table! He obviously still loves you, but it's mental that he's doing it this way…"

"Daph, honestly I don't care, I don't want to hear about it," I said quickly and coolly, interrupting her. It was making me nauseous.

"Shots!" I called out to the girls who replied with half-hearted "woos" - they had seen the scene Draco had caused by the bar and they immediately started asking me about it. I waved the questions off – didn't want to talk about him, took up my shot and called out "cheers girls!" they were quick to grab their own and we did the shots.

About yet half an hour later, after another couple of round of shots, I was getting really plastered and so was everybody else. I knew i had his looks on me when I was up dancing and that felt good – I wasn't acknowledging him, I kept ignoring him.

Later, somehow I ended up outside having a smoke with Millicent, Blaise, Montague and Pucey from the year above. Hastily, they got into the topic of me and Draco.

"Why are we talking about this?" I said irritatedly and harshly.

The boys protested: "Oh come on, Pansy…!" "You must be joking…" "We all know you still like him so why not just go for it?"

"Because he's a wanker, all right?" I had raised my voice. That silenced them. There was an awkward silence, and I let go of my cigarette and stomped on it, turned to the door, and then Blaise spoke up.

"You two are not the same without each other; you've got to be together for everything to be all right."

I stopped, with my back to them. The world spinning. I took a deep breath and everyone expected me to say something, and then I continued inside. Fuckers.

Well inside me and Millicent went back to our table, the other girls were dancing. Millicent immediately asked if I was all right, and I was sick of the questions so I snapped at her and I sat sulking for a while, then feeling regretful for snapping at her when she just cared. Then I noticed Draco going off to the loo with that slutty blonde, I tried not to care but I realised I wanted to go home now more than ever and that I was a little nauseous from the alcohol. Then the lads who'd been out smoking came back in and they all joined us at the table. The girls had stopped dancing and sat down again. And now everyone was sitting together and I tried to be invisible because I didn't want anybody talking to me.

Then Draco came and sat down with his mates, putting the blonde girl in his lap. I wanted to throw up. It went on like that, I only talked to Daphne, and the others went on socialising at our table - everyone did know each other well so it wasn't awkward for them.

Then Draco randomly caught my eye, and I looked away. And he actually tapped the girl in his lap on her shoulder so she'd get up from his lap and he actually made his way across the table into the sofa where I was sitting, the farthest in. And everybody saw it, and the girl got angry and tried to laugh it off. My heart was beating as fuck and he squeezed himself down between me and Aurelia - luckily I had Daphne on my other side still with me. The blonde girl followed and sat on the other side of him. I didn't look at him.

"Hello, Pansy," he said teasingly. Like he was playing a game.

"What do you want?" I asked, not having the strength to be cocky.

"That's not very nice, is it?" he said. Bastard. I looked away and he leaned back, placing his arms back on the sofa as if around both me and the other girl, smirking at his friends across the table. He didn't think I would see, or else he didn't care – I didn't know which. The guys laughed and I pushed him away slightly, getting upset and angry. "What are you doing? Draco, just stop it!"

He turned to me, smiling that evil smile that I positively hate. "Yeah? Or else?"

"Draco, just leave it," said Aurelia. "Pansy, do you want to go to the loo?"

"No," I said firmly. I would not let him drive me away.

Everything went on as normal except that it was extremely awkward. I kept sipping my lager and the others continued talking and laughing.

"Come on, let's go dance again," whined the blonde girl on Draco's other side.

"I'm all right here. You go if you want to," replied Draco uninterestedly.

"No come on," she kept whining. She leaned in to kiss him and he kissed back, his hands on her, made me sick. I looked away. She got up and reached for his hand, but he didn't take hers. "Draco! Come on! Let's go"

Something in me snapped and I turned to her, aggravated: "He said he doesn't want to go, is there something wrong with your mental capacity?" I said with a loud voice. By now everyone around the table was looking. The girl gaped and blushed. Draco turned to me and started laughing.

"And who the fuck are you?" she said in a bitchy tone. I felt embarrassed for meddling in their business, I didn't care about him, so I just turned to the other side and ignored her.

"Whatever," she muttered. "Draco, are you coming or not?"

I expected to hear him drawl something but he was quiet. And then he said, without the previous strength in his voice. "You go on."

And she gaped, and finally left.

"Just say whatever you came to say because you've obviously got something on your mind," I said to Draco then, sighing slightly. He didn't even look at me, he smirked and looked at Montague across the table. Wanker.

For a while we sat like that, every one of us, just drinking and talking and having fun. I managed to relax slightly because I imagined Draco wasn't there. And then he spilled an entire pint over me.
Honest. And as everyone else gasped and I froze and cried out, he started laughing as if it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen.

There was a pause in which I didn't say anything – I just stared at my friends and then I got up, which broke the silence, because everyone started saying "Pans, come on, don't leave" and "Pansy, are you all right?" "Do you want me to come with you?"

Daphne, Tracey and Aurelia came with me to the loo where we wiped me off and talked bad about Draco – I was so sodding angry I couldn't find words. He ruined my dress and embarrassed me over and over. When we got back, it was awkward at the table, except for Draco who was sniggering as he saw me, "Ooh, that's not that bad, though!" he laughed.

I sent him a murderous glare and sat down at the other end of the sofa. Tracey sat down in-between me and Draco because I didn't want to sit next to him.

"It's all right, you can barely see it, honest" Theodore tried to cheer me up over the table. "He's just too drunk, aren't you, Draco?"

Draco laughed again and leaned over Tracey to touch my dress, on my belly, and on my thigh, "wiping" it off slightly. I pushed his hand away, exclaiming: "Draco, get off me. Just leave me alone!"

Tracey got up and went to sit next to Daphne instead, not wanting to be in the middle of us two, I supposed.

Everything went on around us, I wasn't centre of attention anymore thank Merlin. Draco laughed again and came to sit closer, and he rubbed my thigh and belly trying to dry off my dress. It sent tingles all through me.

"Stop that," I said, not as angry anymore.

"But you're wet..." he said, smirking slightly. "I'm sorry; obviously I didn't do it on purpose."

"You didn't even say sorry until just no. You laughed at me..." I'm ashamed of myself for that small smile that crept up onto my face.

"I'm sorry," he said, smiling and giving me "that" look. Fuck. He was so close suddenly. I couldn't help but to wonder what he'd been up to the previous year, how many girls he had fucked. And that hurt like a knife in my stomach.

For a while we sat like that, sipping on our beers and talking to the group.

Then I felt his hand in my hair, casually playing with a strand. I had to stay strong and deny him.

"Draco" I said, raising my eyebrows at him.

"What?"

"Don't do that," I said sternly.

"Do what?" he smirked. He moved his hand down to the back of my neck just below my head and gave a tiny massage with one hand. It felt so nice and his warm body next to me smelled like my favourite after shave in the world – it was so bloody tempting.

"That," I repeated. I grabbed his wrist and brought his hand away.

We didn't speak for about ten minutes.

"He just manages to make me feel sad so easily," I mumbled to Tracey when she asked if I was all right.

"Yeah I get it... Its' not all right, the things he do. But I do think he does them to get your attention because he's still in love with you. I do."

"Doesn't really matter why he does it," I said, "It doesn't matter if he does it for a 'good' reason, he's still doing mean things to me."

Yeah, and thats not all right, I know," Tracey agreed.

The lads came back from the bar with shots and we all took them together, cheering and having fun – but my mind was occupied.

Draco slung himself down into the sofa next to me again. Sigh.

"Do you want to go outside for a moment?" he mumbled. I didn't even look at him.

"Not with you." I didn't even look at him. A few of our friends heard that and laughed.