"Things will get better, you'll be okay."
She had heard it before.
Hinata was beginning to grow accustomed to hearing the people around her repeat the same empty, and at times awkward condolences over and over the days following Neji's death. The phrases "it gets easier as time goes on" and "you learn to deal with the hurt better". And although she would nod her head and whisper soft thank yous, she didn't really believe them.
Perhaps her heart was a bit too cold at the moment to take their words for their worth, for right now, she simply could not believe that a pain such as this would get easier, she could not yet believe that there would be a day where his death would be but a numb reminder of war- because right now it wasn't a numb feeling that pricked along her breast, it was a fatal stab that brought her to her knees, it was a punch to her gut that short-circuited her lungs, this pain was not something she was willing to lie to herself over, to tell herself "I feel fine" because Hinata wasn't fine- she wasn't.
But she was a shinobi, she was supposed to stay as hard as a rock. She was a shinobi, and with such a title death would surround her constantly, she was a shinobi, this is the reality she lived in.
But she was also human, soft and malleable with a heaving chest and trembling palms, her heart, heavy and frantic, pumped blood through her body and she had seen the blood against his cheek and watched the life drain from his eyes and there's no amount of training and classes that can truly prepare you for death- there's none.
She doesn't believe in that type of preparation, and if such a thing existed, she would rather call it "dehumanization class".
And there was even a small part of her wanted to feel these things, she wanted to feel hurt, anger, sorrow- she wanted to feel that raw scalding feeling along her throat, she wanted to feel her face heat and feel heavy tears form to fall and leave little dark drops along the fabric of her skirt- she wanted to feel such a way if only to remind herself that she was a human-
-Before she was a ninja.
She didn't want to "learn how to deal with these feelings" because she was scared she would lose something very important to her by doing so. She didn't want this to get any easier, she didn't want death to become her next door neighbor, she didn't want to exchange pleasantries with it because that meant if she became accustomed to death then death would follow and take everyone else along with it and she wasn't ready to lose anyone else- she was absolutely terrified to lose her loved ones to death.
"Things will get better, you'll be okay."
And maybe that's true- Neji wouldn't want her crying forever, mourning him, he wouldn't want his sacrifice to hurt her anymore than it already had. She knew that- she was sorry, she was sorry for how weak she was at times.
But just give her a little longer behind the closed doors, let her cry and vent for just another day.
It's exhausting to lie in in front of everyone.
"I'm fine."
(she wondered if anyone felt a trace of warmth from her smile)