Disclaimer: I don't own it at all, but I sure wish I did. Everyone who is supposed to own Torchwood and DW does, just not me darn it!
A/N: This ridiculous piece of fluffy crack was inspired by watching my students being silly one day, okay really EVERY day. But that's what teachers do, chase around cheeky little children.
A/N 2: It's kind of a take off on "Asylum" and the universal remote control.
Summary: Jack presses buttons, Jack becomes a toddler, 'nuff said.
Betas: Zazajb and Cookielaura for the win! Thank you for both proof-reading, and Brit-picking for me. Hopefully I've started spelling things correctly, aside from most of this story.
Dedicated to badly_knitted because everyone needs a good laugh at something silly every now and then, and happy belated birthday!
Tiny Immortal Terror
"Jack? Jack I wouldn't push that button; we don't know what it does. Remember the universal remote control? What happened last time you pushed buttons?"
"Ianto, relax. What's the worst that could happen?"
"Jack, Jack wait! Jack don't! Oh, BLOODY hell!"
"Ianto? What's wrong darlin'? Why are you shouting?" asked Gwen as she ran down the hall to the meeting room. "Ianto? What's the problem?" she asked as she stepped through the doorway.
"This Gwen, THIS is the problem," said Ianto as he lifted a chubby toddler wearing a far too big blue shirt into his arms.
"Hi Gwen! I push buttons!" said the little boy.
"That's not funny Ianto. Not a funny joke at all."
"Do I seem as though I'm smiling?"
"I happy!" the toddler chirped again.
Gwen tilted her head and looked at the child resting his head on Ianto's shoulder, "That's not? Oh you have got to be kidding me! What happened?"
"I towd you! I push buttons!"
"Jack?"
"Hi Gwen!"
"Really? Really Jack? You pushed buttons and wound up a two year old?"
"Yes!" he said as seriously as a two year old could muster.
"Ianto? What happened?" she asked again.
"He's not wrong Gwen. He did push the buttons on this thing that he found in the park late last night. He thought it was another universal remote control, and that it wouldn't do anything too dangerous," said Ianto as he disengaged Jack's fingers from his tie.
"But I was wong 'bout it," said Jack with a laugh.
"Yes you were," said Gwen, already falling into a motherly tone of voice. "Now how are we going to fix it?"
"Dunno!" sang the little boy as he shrugged his shoulders.
"Shhh, I was talking to Ianto love," she said as she put one finger over lips to demonstrate.
"'kay! I shhhh," he whispered.
"Right, the only thing that I can think of is to run a search of the digital archives because we don't have anything like that. Jack may have thought it was like Freda's, but after looking at it, there are far more buttons and settings."
"That much I knew," said Gwen. "But there's nothing else? Are you sure?"
"Nuffing!" Jack laughed.
Ianto turned his most serious look on Jack, and the little boy's cheeky smile fell instantly. "'anto mean," he whimpered.
"Ianto! You can't treat him like he's the same Jack! He's a two year old now!"
"I hate talking to kids, bloody hate it!" Ianto moaned. "I'm no good at it."
"Yes, well, the bigger problem is, what are we going to do with him while we wait for the search to come up with a match?" asked Gwen, trying and failing to hold back a smile.
"I go home wif 'anto!" Jack announced.
"No, no, no you can't," stammered Ianto.
" 'anto don't want Jack to stay wif him?" Jack asked as his lip quivered.
"Ianto!"
"Sorry, erm, what I mean is that my flat isn't safe for children. With your talent for making trouble, bad things could happen."
"I be go-od."
"Jack, really?" asked Ianto, his ever-ready eyebrow of snark raised at the little boy on his hip.
Jack giggled and swung his feet, "No 'anto, I not be good, I not know how. You wight, I go wif Gwen."
"Well to do that, you're going to need new clothes because you can't be in my flat naked. Rhys is going to crap a bloody sheep as it is, and an unclothed you will only make it worse," she said. "No matter how adorable you are."
"Stay here with him, I'll do the shopping," said Ianto as he handed Jack to Gwen and fairly flew from the conference room.
"Hi Gwen!" said Jack as he threw his chubby arms around her neck.
"Hi Jack," she said, sarcasm and laughter fighting it out in her voice.
"We pway?"
"No, no Jack we will not play. The Hub is no place for a child."
Jack pouted and folded his arms across his chest. "I wanna pway!"
"No Jack."
"Pway!"
"No!"
"Pway!"
"No."
"Pway!"
"How about we go and see the dinosaur?" asked Gwen.
Jack stopped whining and looked at Gwen out of the corner of his eye, "Weawy?"
Gwen laughed, "Yes, really. She's your pet after all."
"'kay! We see dinosauw!"
"Okay then," she said as she carried Jack from the room, "first the dinosaur and then maybe a rest?"
"NO NAP!"
Well, it's good to know that it's still Jack, thought Gwen.
"Okay Jack, no nap, how about we eat lunch instead?"
"Coffee?" he asked with a smile.
"Absolutely not," said Gwen.
"Sweeties?"
"If you're good, maybe a biscuit."
The temptation of a biscuit was enough to make Jack sit up a bit straighter, "I be good now!"
"Okay," sighed Gwen. She walked them into the Hub and over to the lift. "Now, I'm not going to let you touch the dinosaur, but if we go partway up on the lift we can watch and see if she'll fly by."
" 'kay. Hewe my wistband, it make da wift go up."
"How will it do that Jack?"
"Dunno."
"Grrr," she growled softly. "Fat lot of good it does to have the thing, when you can't actually work it," she muttered under her breath. She resigned herself to stabbing buttons repeatedly until the lift started to rise. "How do I make it stop?" she asked more to herself than Jack.
"Dunno."
"I know that sweetheart, I was talking to myself. I'm guessing that if I press the same button it might work?"
"Maybe!"
"Okay, we'll try it," she said as she pressed the button again. She cheered as the lift stopped about halfway to the ceiling.
Gwen and Jack spent the next hour or so sitting on the lift about halfway up, and watching as the pteranodon flew in lazy circles round the water tower. Gwen learned quickly to keep a firm hold on this littler version of Jack because as soon as the lift stopped, he tried to jump off in an effort to "fwy wike da dino!" Clearly Jack's instinct for self-preservation was still missing, Gwen thought to herself as she wrestled him down onto her lap.
Jack did actually fall asleep just as the clock changed the hour, cuddling into Gwen's shoulder with his thumb clenched firmly between his teeth. Gwen sat idly on the lift, rocking him back and forth and watching as the dinosaur continued to fly round and round the Hub. She jumped a bit as she felt the lift start to descend. Jack opened one sleepy eye and looked at her, "What happen Gwen?"
"It's okay love, Ianto is back, he's just bringing us down."
At hearing Ianto's name, Jack sat up a little straighter. "'anto back?"
"Yes Jack, I'm back," said Ianto as the lift came to rest on Hub floor.
"Yay, 'anto back, Gwen and Jack hewe, NOW we pway!"
"No we don't," said both Gwen and Ianto.
"Let's go and see what Ianto brought you okay?"
"Pwesents?"
"Well, some Jack sized clothes, a car seat, maybe a toy or two."
"Toys?" Gwen looked over at Ianto and raised her eyebrows, "Why Ianto, I do believe you enjoyed shopping for baby clothes."
"Actually, I didn't, but I did think that the toys were quite cute. I thought we could use them to maybe take a blackmail picture or two," Ianto said with a smile. "I also got nappies, pyjamas, baby shampoo, anything I could find that I thought we would need."
" 'anto bwing me a sheepy?" Jack said quietly. " 'anto is funny."
"A sheep, really Ianto?"
"Every self-respecting Welsh child has a toy sheep. Well, that and a –"
"Dwagon!" exclaimed Jack. "A wed dwagon!"
"Yep. A red dragon."
"Fank you 'anto!" said the little boy as he threw his arms around Ianto's knees.
"Now, let's get you dressed and see if Ianto will let us skive off a bit early."
"I want dis one!" he said as he held out a dark blue shirt with little red dinosaurs across the chest. He reached into one of the many carrier bags in front of the battered couch and pulled out a pair of black fleece trousers that had palm trees on the knees. "Dey good? I wike dinos."
"Yes, those are great choices, but you're going to need a nappy first," said Gwen.
"No," said Jack as a pout formed on his face.
"Jack, in order to wear new clothes and go outside, you must have a nappy."
"No."
"Gwen's right Jack, you need a nappy."
"NO 'anto I a big boy!"
"Yes, well, even big boys need nappies. Look, Ianto even got you big boy nappies, okay Jack?" wheedled Gwen.
Jack's pout deepened, but he soon sighed and said, "'kay Gwen, but I do my sewf. You no watch, 'anto no watch."
"Now he gets modest?" asked Ianto.
"Oh hush! I think it's cute!" hissed Gwen. "Okay there Jack?"
"Ya, I fine, I done!"
"Good boy! Now, let's get you dressed," she said. After a few minutes of trying to wrestle a wriggling Jack into his clothes, she gave up and tucked him under her arm, then proceeded to simply stuff him into his shirt and trousers.
"Jack wook good?"
"Yes, very handsome Jack. Gwen, the rift is predicted to be quiet for a couple of days, you can take a rift monitor and head home."
"You sure 'anto – I mean Ianto," she answered. "Sorry love."
"Yes Gwen, take yourself and the tiny immortal terror home.
"Hey! I not a naughty! I a good boy! I show you 'anto, tomowow Gwen tew you dat I a good boy!"
"Alright Jack, let's go home now," Gwen said nervously. She crammed everything back into the carrier bags, and then grabbed Jack and settled him on her hip. "Ianto, the car seat?"
"Stay here with Jack, I'll go install it," said Ianto as he walked towards the door.
"Okay, now Jack, we need to talk about how you're going to behave while you're at home with me and Rhys."
"I know Gwen, I be good. I not dwive Whys too cwazy."
"Jack, you're going be very nice to Rhys, try not to drive him crazy at all. Don't be, well, don't be yourself okay?" said Gwen.
"I be mysewf, but I be a good vewsion of mysewf," said Jack.
Gwen took a rift monitor and shoved it into her pocket. She then reached down and picked up the carrier bags, and with Jack on her hip and her other hand full of his things, she started towards the door.
"I howd dat?" he said with an innocent smile.
"No, I don't think so, Gwen will hold the monitor," said Ianto as he stepped back into the Hub. He took Jack from her, and walked a few feet away. "Now listen, try and see this as a chance to relax. Try not to destroy Gwen's home, not to antagonise Rhys, and trust me to find an answer to this problem."
Jack nodded, "'kay 'anto, bye bye now," he said softly as he tapped Ianto's face.
"I'll see you tomorrow."
" 'kay 'anto, wuv you," he said as he leaned in and kissed Ianto's nose.
"Bye Jack," sighed Ianto, smiling inwardly at the innocent declaration that he'd not heard Jack use before. He dropped a kiss on the top of Jack's head as he handed him back to Gwen.
*********************************************************************************
20 Minutes Later
"Gwen, is that you?"
"Yes Rhys," said Gwen as she struggled through the door with carrier bags and Jack in her arms.
"Hi Whys!"
"Gwen? Who is that?" asked Rhys as he watched her walk into the living room.
"I Jack Whys!" said the little boy happily. "I push buttons, I now two!"
"Oh bollocks to that Gwen, he's not staying here!"
"Rhys, he's two, how much trouble could he cause in one night?"
"I cause wots of twouble."
"Wrong answer Jack!" she hissed.
"One night? Just one? Are y'sure?"
"Yes Whys! Just one night! I stay hewe, tomowow we go to Hub and fix da pwobwem."
"That's fine, but you're not sleeping in the bedroom, you're sleeping out here."
"Dat's fine Whys, I don't sweep. I watch da tewwy."
Rhys sighed and took the bags from Gwen, he deposited them on the sofa with a thump and went back into the kitchen. "Did you have lunch?"
"No, and I reawy hungwy too."
"I meant my wife, I was asking her."
"Yes sweetheart, I'm quite hungry. But he does need to eat as well."
"I've never fed a baby, what CAN he eat?"
"If you cook, I eat evewyting on my pwate."
Rhys smiled, "Bloody cheeky little man you are."
"But I cute, and it gets me what I need."
"Well then, how about a sandwich?" Rhys asked him over his shoulder.
"Wif cheese?"
"Sure, cheese, maybe pickles?"
Jack wrinkled his nose, "No fank you pwease. Just cheese."
"You know, I kind of like you as a baby, you're much better mannered," said Rhys as he busied himself cutting bread and cheese into small enough pieces for the child that was still clutching Gwen's shoulder.
"Whys I hewpwess, and I need to be nice because I not do tings for mysewf wight now."
"You're much smarter now as well," he quipped as he handed Gwen a plate containing Jack's sandwich.
"Fank you Whys."
"Good boy," whispered Gwen as she walked over and sat herself and Jack on the couch. "Eat up now."
"Sandwich for you as well lovely," said Rhys as he plopped himself down on the other end of the sofa.
"Whys?"
"Yes?"
"What's fow dinna?"
1:30 a.m.
"Gwen?" said a little voice from the doorway.
"Gwen?" it repeated.
"GWEN!" it shouted.
She started awake and sat up in the bed, "What's wrong Jack?"
"I not see anyfing on tewwy dat I wike."
"Then try sleeping," said a bleary eyed Rhys as he sat up.
"I not have a cot to sweep in."
"Rhys?"
"No Gwen, I fed him twice, he doesn't need to sleep in here with us."
"Rhys? He can't sleep out there!" she hissed.
"Why not? For crissakes Gwen, he's not really a baby, he knows enough not to get into trou – never mind. Climb up here, and if you know what's good for you, go to sleep!"
"'kay! Fank you!" said Jack as he toddled over to the bed and scrambled up next to Gwen.
"Hopefuwwy 'anto not get too jeawous," he whispered to her.
"Why would he be jealous pet?"
"I swept wif you and Whys."
"Shut it Jack."
He giggled, "Night night Whys."
8:30 a.m.
"Come on Jack, we've got to go."
"I not stay hewe? I wike it. Whys feeds me yummy food, footie on tewwy today too."
"I just got a call from Ianto, he said that there's a visitor for you at the Hub."
"Mawfa?"
"Who?"
"He said Martha, Gwen," replied Rhys as he wandered into the living room and toweled his hair dry.
"Oh! No, not Martha. Someone else, he calls himself the…"
"DOCTOW!" yelled Jack.
"Yes, that's right. He's waiting at the Hub for you; Ianto showed him the device that you monkeyed around with yesterday. He claims that he can fix you."
"Wets go Gwen!" he said as he grabbed his toy sheep from the bags on the floor. "I weady!"
"You like that sheep eh?" said Rhys, watching from the kitchen.
"Yes, I fink I'm weawy Wewsh now."
"Oh go on then!"
20 Minutes Later
"Doctow!" shouted Jack as he raced in through the door. "Doctow I hewe!"
"Captain!" said the Doctor as he came round the computer stations. "Blimey, you really are a baby! Well, the good news is that I can fix it, but before I do that, I'd like to get a tour round your little underground base if I may?" he asked, his glasses hanging haphazardly from his nose. He flashed Jack a lopsided grin, his hands shoved in his trouser pockets.
"'kay Doctow! I give you touw!" said Jack excitedly. He reached up and grabbed the Doctor's hand, "Wet's go!"
"How about I carry you and make this go faster?" asked the Doctor as he swung Jack up into his arms.
"Finawwy, you showing youw twue feewings fow me."
"Stop it."
"No pwomises," giggled Jack as they walked down to the cells.
Sometime later, Jack and the Doctor sat down on the tattered couch behind the computers. "This is not bad Jack, you've done quite well here."
"Fank you," he answered. "But Doctow, pwease, fix me now?"
"Oh! Sorry! Right, let's fix you," the Doctor said as he rummaged around in the pockets of his coat. "Now, the funny thing about this device is that it while it looks like a universal remote control, it is actually a genetic rewriter. Think of it like this, you program in what you want to fix in yourself, press the buttons and boom! Suddenly your body is given the chance to re-grow itself in a totally different way."
"Ya, I get dat, but I don't want to stay wike dis. Pwease put me back."
"I can do that, but maybe they can get you dressed in something that'll fit you when you suddenly go back to your grown up self. I have no desire to see any more of Captain Jack Harkness than I absolutely must."
Jack laughed, "'anto I need my cwoes fwom yestewday pwease!"
The Welshman popped his head out of Jack's office and nodded, "Your clothes are here in your office. I took the liberty of cleaning and pressing them. Shall I get you as dressed as I can before he changes you back?"
"Yes pwease," he said as he hopped off the couch and wandered towards Ianto.
After a brief tussle inside Jack's office, the Welshman came back out carrying a freshly redressed Jack in his same too large blue shirt and pants. "He's ready now Doctor."
"Thank you Ianto; just set him down over there."
He nodded and deposited Jack away from the sofa and facing the Doctor. He stepped back and smiled, "Anytime you're ready Doctor."
The Doctor nodded and pressed a quick combination of buttons, a flash of light burst from the device and surrounded Jack. Ianto and the Doctor watched as the light receded, and in its place stood a fully restored Jack. "Nice to have you back Captain."
Jack walked over and wrapped the Doctor in a quick hug, "Thank you," he said. "Ianto, remind me never to do that again!"
"Now Jack, if he were to remind you to never get in trouble again, you wouldn't have very much fun would you?" asked the Doctor.
"He is right sir," said Ianto.
"Ianto?" Jack asked as he suddenly noticed the goose pimples popping up on his bare legs.
"Yes Jack."
"Where are my trousers?"
"In your office because they wouldn't stay on your stubby little legs," he answered.
Jack nodded and raced back into his office, he was pulling the trousers up over his hips when he head Ianto yell in shock. He clipped his braces in place as he ran out of the office. "Ianto? What's wrong?"
"He, he, bloody hell, I see why you two get on so well!" spluttered Ianto as he pointed at where the Doctor was supposed to be standing.
Jack followed his gaze to the brown jacket puddled on the floor, and smiled as he noticed what was sitting on top of it.
"Hewwo! I da Docta!"