Title: Love on the Rocks

Author: Opus, Bloom Co. Picayune ace reporter, aka Shelley

Contact: shelchrisbarnard@earthlink.net

Summary: Buffy makes a wish, Giles finds true love, and the world comes to a fiery end. Thank-you, Anya!

Pairing: Giles/penguin

Spoilers: "Entropy," "Two to Go," and "Grave." Yes, I know that they aired only three weeks apart, but I'm going to pretend that at least two months passed between them. Surely you can suspend disbelief that far, can't you? The rest will make perfect sense. I promise! snicker

Rating PG-13 for adult themes and British profanity.

Warning: Character death and a successful apocalypse.

Flames: Bring em on, baby.

Praise: Um, with all due respect, you've GOT to develop better taste in literature...

Disclaimer: Neil Diamond wrote the tune and lyrics to "Love on the Rocks", and he owns all rights to it. Mutant Enemy owns Giles, Buffy, and the rest of the Scooby gang. The idea for Giles' tragic propensity towards penguin lust came from Gileswench's excellent story, "A Word with You All," and I don't own that either. Lulubelle and Bluto are mine, however, and I am fiercely possessive of them.

Author's Notes: Thanks to Gileswench, for permitting me to borrow her throwaway joke, and to TweedEmpress for her invaluable help with London geography and British expressions. This story is dedicated to Taryn who knows that I shouldn't be allowed near a word processor without adult supervision, and yet convinced me to release this upon an unsuspecting public anyway. If you feel the need to, erm, thank anyone, it really should be her... %^)

Prologue

Anya wanted Xander Harris punished for his betrayal, and she was almost out of options. She couldn't curse him herself, and she hadn't been able to get Willow, Tara, or Dawn to curse him for her. Buffy was her last hope. So here she was, leaning against one of the pillars beside Buffy's front door, trying to goad the Slayer into cursing her best friend. So far, it had not been a blazing success.

"I don't think he could feel any worse," Buffy said sadly.

Not the most promising of starts, but she could work with it. "Let's test that theory," she said brightly.

"Anya," Buffy said soulfully, "Xander's my friend. I know what he did was wrong, and ... if it had happened to me, I'd-"

"Wish his penis would explode," Anya asked hopefully.

Buffy looked at her oddly. "Um, no, that wasn't what I was going to say."

"But you are going to wish something dire upon him, right?"

"I don't really think I should," Buffy said carefully.

Anya was starting to get annoyed. "Did I mention the whole 'left at the altar' thing? Didn't leave that out, did I?"

Buffy shook her head regretfully. "No. Look, I - I know what he did was wrong. God, if it happened to me, I ... I-I, it must have been torture."

Now she was getting somewhere! "Okay! Let's talk about torture," Anya said happily.

Buffy sat down on the top step, and considered her words carefully. Buffy could see how much Anya wanted her to side against Xander, but she felt that a better friend would try to help Anya heal, not fuel the fires of resentment "Anya, I know you feel awful, but it's gonna get better. I promise you it will."

Anya let out a frustrated growl as she plopped down beside Buffy. "Squish, squish, squish! Guys have been running roughshod over you for years." Buffy pouted and nodding, reluctantly agreeing. "Torturing that perky little ticker. Aren't you sick of it? Don't you wish guys like that-"

"Whoa," Buffy demanded indignantly. "Guys? There have only been four - three! Three! Three guys. That's barely plural."

Buffy was losing the cool caring friend act and starting to get riled up. Good. Just a bit more goading, and she would get her wish! "And didn't each of them rip your heart out? Don't men like that, as to pick an example, Xander, deserve to be punished?"

Buffy scowled at the ground. "I hate men that leave," she muttered.

"Me too," Anya crowed in triumph. "I hate men that leave too! Don't you wish that something awful would happen to them?"

"I mean, when someone I care about pulls a now-you-see-me, now-you-don't act, it throws my world out of whack. Makes me do stupid things that I regret. Yet I'm stuck with the consequences of my moronic actions, even though I never would have done them if–"

"If he hadn't left," Anya interrupted excitedly. "You're absolutely right! I mean, who knows what sort of mischief I might get into now that I'm rebounding? Shouldn't Xander bear some of the consequences of my actions? Shouldn't–"

Buffy cut her off, finally getting into the spirit of things. "Shouldn't Giles know what it's like to get involved with somebody who is totally wrong for him?"

Suddenly, Anya got a queasy feeling in her stomach. "Giles?"

"I mean, he left me when I needed him most, so it's kind of his fault that I've gotten out of control, right?" Anya gave a small, tentative nod, but Buffy took that as full agreement. "Giles never gets out of control, or at least not when he's being Giles. I would love to see Giles, not Ripper but Giles, know what it's like to have no control over his life!"

Anya's uneasiness was increasing by the moment. "Now hold on there, missy. Don't want to do anything rash, now do we?"

Buffy ignored the vengeance demon and plowed on. "For instance, what if Giles was to be totally drawn to somebody who was bad for him, with nobody around that he trusted to pull him back in. Somebody that he had no business being with. Like, like, a nun? or a married woman with ten children? or Princess Anne? or, or–or a penguin!"

Anya was becoming seriously alarmed. "Maybe we should rethink this whole blaming men for our problems' thing..."

Buffy didn't hear Anya; she was completely caught up in her fantasy scenario. "Yeah, a penguin!"

"You know, I am woman, hear me roar? Maybe we should concentrate on that," Anya suggested desperately.

Buffy was in no mood to be an independent woman. "I wish–"

"Oh, please don't," Anya whispered.

"–that Giles would fall in love with a penguin!"

"Done," Anya said resignedly. She turned away, so that Buffy wouldn't see her demonic visage and glowing focus stone. Anya offered up a silent prayer to the Lower Beings that matters wouldn't turn out as badly as she feared.