A/N: Sooo this is my first fic in a long time. It's based off of the premise of 'Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates' but the similarities end there. I'd really appreciate constructive criticism on this, as I'm trying to get back into writing more. Enjoy! Also, Austen owns all (including my heart).

6/5/2017, Norfolk, VA

Lizzy was dying. Slowly, but surely, she and her cardiac-deficient mother would leave the godforsaken Earth simultaneously due to the equal amount of stress and pressure one put on the other.

For this specific scenario, Lizzy believed that her mother won the jackpot. Maybe this insane request would finally send Lizzy to the land beyond. Because this time, she didn't think she'd be able to refuse her mother.

"Lizzy," Fran Bennet said in a stern tone (with her signature Finger Point), "do not give me that look."

To hide her mortification, Lizzy played dumb. "What do you mean? What look?"

Fran sighed heavily. "This is exactly why you're nearing your thirties without a ring on your finger, or even a boyfriend!"

"Dear mother, I know that you've considered that I don't need a boyfriend to survive. I know that you must have considered it, because I've been shouting as much at you since I turned thirteen."

"You were a child! I thought you would grow out of it. Maybe you'd meet a nice boy at college, at law school - at this point I'd settle for an online dating profile - but no. No, your snarky attitude and your hideous fingernails have driven away any suitable man you've come into contact with."

Lizzy was a split second from voicing her retort when Jane interrupted. "Okay you two, calm down. Lizzy -" at this, Lizzy gave her sister a wary look. "You have to admit that you've kicked and screamed at every single thing Mom has tried to do for you. Nothing is wrong with you being single, but she isn't asking you to get married -" Fran looked like she was about to refute, so Jane began to talk faster, "she just wants you to bring a casual date to Lydia's wedding."

Lizzy growled in response. She measured her opponents - while Jane was basically an angel, she was on the side of the devil in Lizzy's perspective. It was probably because of their mother's condition, which made her even less of an opponent, but still.

Fran had had a heart attack a month previously. Jane and Lizzy temporarily moved back home to help take care of her. Their father died of cancer five years earlier, Mary was too caught up in getting her PhD, Kitty was struggling to finish her bachelor's, and Lydia was...well, Lydia. Despite how different Lydia and Lizzy's life choices were, the two sisters were the most similar out of the bunch. They were both fiercely independent; Lizzy's independence was rooted in the desire to provide for herself and get a job she was passionate about. Lydia's, on the other hand, barely had a root. She traveled and wandered like a free spirit, going wherever the wind took her. The fact that she was getting married at twenty wasn't so much a surprise as a disappointment, since everyone expected the relationship to flounder.

Everyone, except Fran Bennet.

Fran had gone the extra mile to plan Lydia's wedding. She was spending money she didn't have, inviting people she barely knew, and making a big deal out of a relationship everyone expected to fail. And not one person confronted her about it, because she had a heart condition and her husband was dead.

Lizzy wouldn't comment on the ostentatious wedding that would cost her mother a fortune. She wasn't heartless - she just listened to her logical mind more often. She knew that she and Jane would end up paying for most of it without letting Fran know, and that was fine. Their father's death and Fran's health scare had taken a lot out of everyone.

But forcing her and Jane to take dates to a wedding so pompous that it looked like it came straight out of a reality TV show? No way.

She was still on her fuming train of thought as Jane wrote the craigslist ad for their dates in their childhood bedroom that night.

"Hey, Lizzy, do you think we should put an itinerary on the ad? So that they would know what else they could get out of it?" Jane asked.

Lizzy sighed. "Jane, look at us." Jane looked up from her laptop with a befuddled expression. "Sweetie, we are two beautiful, accomplished women. You are a literal angel, preventing children from getting sick and shit -" Jane rolled her eyes "and I'm a lawyer who actually helps people. If there are any men who respond to this ad and expect anything beyond the role of our arm candy, they have some perception issues."

Jane was giggling by the end of Lizzy's tirade. "I'm including the trip to Busch Gardens," she said.