Author's Note: Yeah, I know. I should be updating my other two fics. But the only reason I'm uploading this is because I wrote it for English class. It's rather...intriguing, to say the least. And because it's a Great Expectations story, probably no one will read it. Oh well...I guess this is practically the only fanfic in this category. And it's humor/parody...wow. Anyways, enjoy this outlandish tale! (snicker, snicker, snort --ah, that is fun to say)

The True Nature of Biddy

A young man in his twenties returned to his new home with a bounce in his step, all the while thinking of how happy he had magically become overnight, for of course that always happens in life. Closing the majestic door behind him, he sighed in content and closed his eyes.

"Oh Pippy! Pippy, where are you?" came a sickeningly sweet voice to the young man's attentive ears. Pip, for of course it was he, nearly fell over in his haste to attend to the voice calling him so persistently. Like an intoxicated fool, he stumbled over to the owner of the voice.

A woman's fox-like green eyes studied him sharply as poor Pip attempted to act cool. Sadly, he failed miserably, and the peculiar woman snickered, but quickly covered it with an intense cough as Pip foolishly gaped at her. She then assumed her role once more.

"Oh Pippy, I was so worried! You arrived one whole second late today!" she cried out in despair.

"Oh Ursula, I am so regretful of my regretful actions! I do regret them most regretfully!" he replied with regret. He regretfully cast his eyes down and shuffled his feet, for of course that is just like the regretful old chap.

Suddenly, he was met with an urge to go away from Ursula to do some unexplained yet oh-so-important errands for no reason. Ursula watched him go with a mixture of wonder and contempt. No, not wonder- just contempt. She then proceeded to cackle evilly and promptly entered a mad coughing fit and plummeted to the not-so-welcoming ground. Glancing around furiously to make sure no one had witnessed the dignified event, Ursula sprang up and walked briskly out the door to make sure Pip really was gone. So briskly did she walk, she tripped repeatedly while trying and failing to act discreet. Onlookers, obviously not buying the act, shook their heads in pity at the poor woman.

***

Pip had no idea where he was going. However, he was quite certain that he had a purpose to go wherever it was that he was going. Someone nearby snapped his fingers with a loud "Aha!" Annoyed, Pip told the person to be quiet. As he continued on his perilous journey to nowhere, more and more people aha-ed. Abruptly, he realized something: today was his wedding day! He was to be married to his beloved Ursula! But why did his feet take him to old Satis House? Wasn't that where that crazy old lady- what was her name? Miss Bagaham? Wabasham? - lived? Oh, of course! An unnamed person nearby snapped her fingers in triumph. Again, Pip told her to be quiet. Honestly, enough was enough. Back to his thoughts…Oh, of course! The crazy old lady's name was Miss Havisham. Pip remembered with a twang her beautiful niece Estella and his old love for her. But no matter. Since that fateful day that they had met again, it occurred to Pip that he had moved on. Or so he thought.

* * *

Estella scrutinized the rather ugly woman following the man she recognized as Pip. She, being as Estella-like as ever, dashed towards her and demanded to know her relation to Pip.

"I am his betrothed, girl! Now leave me!" Ursula spat contemptuously at her, attempting to struggle out of the clutches of the fearsome Estella.

"His betrothed? How dare you make such an absurd claim to me! Pip would never marry someone like you," Estella sneered back at her. No one messes with me! she thought fiercely. Especially not someone like her.

An animated catfight ensued. It went something like this: two women of approximately the same age, similarly clothed in insanely full dresses ugly in their unique ways grabbing at each other and trying to put her down in a momentous victory that world has been waiting to witness.

Pip, for his part, noticed nothing of the epic battle happening behind him, as he was ever-so-occupied with his thoughts about nothing. His unawareness towards the event behind him rendered him temporarily ignorant of the fact that Estella now knew Ursula.

"Pip! Pip! 'Tis I, Estella! Come here immediately!" The familiar voice calling to him jolted Pip out of his musings and caused him to whip around in shock. There before him stood the Estella he once knew: she stood in triumph over his beloved Ursula. Enraged, Pip stomped over to Estella.

Estella noticed his anger and promptly backed off. There was only one reason that Pip could be acting so oddly: No, it was not because Ursula actually was his betrothed- of course, Ursula was actually an alien come to take over the planet through Pip. Thoroughly convinced of this prospect, Estella allowed Pip to come to her.

"What have you done to my Ursula? Estella, Estella…what have you done?" Pip demanded angrily.

"She is obviously an alien. I have merely stopped her from conquering Earth as we know it. Surely you must be grateful, Pip. I have just saved the world," Estella replied calmly and somewhat haughtily. This reply, of course halted Pip in his passionate rant.

"An…alien? Surely you must be mistaken. Ursula is quite human," said Pip still very much in bewilderment.

"Really? Tell me, Pip. Just how long have you known her?" challenged Estella.

Pip squirmed under her gaze. "A day."

"A day," she echoed. "Then how do you know-?"

"Yes, a day! Is that some sort of obstacle?" The shrill female voice invaded both of their ears. Ursula rose before them in all her Ursula-ish glory.

"Are you an alien?" Pip asked her matter-of-factly. Better to be straight to the point with people nowadays, he mused. For of course Pip doesn't only think, he muses.

"I…what?" Ursula stuttered. "Er, well, no…I mean, not really, I mean…uh…okay, isn't alien such a negative word? How about the term visitor?"

"Ha! I knew it!" bragged Estella. Pip just stood there, dumbfounded. Suddenly, he jumped up.

"But, but…Estella, it's not what you think!" Pip cried out. "I'm…I'm an alien too," he said solemnly. Estella stared in shock at both of them while her mouth fell open in a perfect cliché. Ursula stood, rather surprisingly, in distress.

"Well then, all this is very intriguing. Why did you reveal your true identity, Pip? I thought we had an agreement that you would tell no one," came an unexpected voice. Biddy stomped up to the trio with a murderous glare at poor Pip, and a similar look at Ursula.

"You fool of a sister, what have you done?!" Biddy shrieked at Ursula. Pip and Estella had similar thoughts: sister? Ursula cringed at Biddy while she continued to shout at her. "I gave you a simple quest: marry Pip as soon as possible so that we could take over the world together! But no," she sneered, "of course you had to go and ruin it most grievously!"

"It's not my fault…it's Estella's fault! Blame her," Ursula answered. Biddy turned to her and glared menacingly, while Ursula advanced as well.

"Run!" Pip yelled at Estella, and the two fled the two insane sisters. Once they thought that they had lost them, they stopped at a local police station and reported Biddy and Ursula.

The next day, Estella confronted Pip about his nature of being an alien. He sighed, and said, "'Tis true, Estella. I'm sorry for not having told you before."

She smiled, for once, and replied, "It's alright. I do not think differently of you at all, because I am Estella, and I shall act completely out of character and ask you to marry me." As Pip gazed at her in surprise, she looked down and waited for his answer.

"Well, I don't know. I mean, I'm an alien. C'mon. I can't marry you, even though it's completely out of character for me as well. So let's just be friends," Pip responded with a careless shrug. Estella eyes brightened and she nodded enthusiastically.

So they lived happily ever after and skipped off into the sunset while holding hands. Except when Biddy and Ursula came back for revenge, but that's a completely different story.

If anyone at all has read this story, or known its existence, please review. Muchas gracias. =)