The first time
"It's so loud inside my head with words that I should've said
As I drown in my regrets,
I can't take back the words I never said
I can't take back the words I never said"
Steve never believed people could be affected that much just by a song. Not by anyone, but a song. Music helped us to be happy again, to relax, gently but precisely, helped us put behind our back every sorrow we had within ourselves. But that is all, nothing else. Nothing like the way it was persecuting Steve this moment: he kept standing there, staring significantly at Bucky, who was quite busy preparing those pancake in the kitchen.
Regret. Thought that had never been spoken out loud.
Steve felt his heart throbbed a little. That time, after Bucky's death, he had been so depressed. His only friend, the one he cherished the most, and also loved the most had gone forever, and Steve couldn't saved him.
When the plane was about to crash into the icy ocean, in an instance, he had painfully thought: "I haven't told him. So that he would know. I'm so stupid…"
He hadn't expected to survive after the accident, not to mention that he could possibly wake up after being frozen in such circumstance. And above them all, he was able to find Bucky.
His Bucky. His precious Bucky. Steve was given a second chance, to stay beside him, to love him, to do all the things he could not back then.
But confession, however, was indeed a serious problem for Steve. Just when he had gained enough courage to express his feelings, the nightmares appeared and prevented him from doing this. Bucky only came back for a couple of months. He did not completely recover from the ghost of his past, the Winter Soldier. In the first three week living with Steve, the pain tortured Bucky almost every night. Everything tended to wait for Steve's action to happen all at once. He had been better recently, thanks to Banner, or even Barton, if he was to be detailed. This man was surprisingly patient with this matter. Seemed like he understood what Steve's friend had to suffer.
"Steve! Would you mind helping me with these cakes? I'm sick of spreading on the butter and honey." – Bucky said over the dinner table, and there was sound of forks hitting the floor.
Should I say it, right now? Those questions kept running in his head. He hesitated at first, but decided to come close to Bucky.
"Steve? Did you hear…?" – Bucky turned around and saw Steve walking into the kitchen. His hands were a messed with what called butter.
His face must be very critical, because Bucky curiously frown his brows. – "What's wrong, Steve?"
"Bucky, I… I…," – Steve began, but immediately became lost with words. Bucky titled his head, trying to be as calm as he could.
"I want to tell you something," – Steve said, screaming horribly inside. Just say it, dammit, you are scared of what? You are Captain America, for God's sake!
"I'm listening."
"Uh… I…, you know, I want to say that for a long time, I… I have always lo…"
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
The alarm sound from the cell suddenly resounded and jumped the two of them. Bucky's expression changed, his eyes wide opened, his body trembled violently, and those hands stiffened, like he did not know just how to react in this case.
Steve knew it. He knew it too well it hurt. He rushed to the microwave, pull out the plug. The apple pie had burnt, smoking fuming all over it. He guessed Bucky had let it cooked for too long, and that was why the pie turned out like that.
"Bucky." – Steve called him. There were no answers. Steve caught his shoulder and turned him around, so that Bucky could face him. His expression was not very good. – "Hey, look at me, Bucky. Everything was fine. There are no explosions. You're safe, and I'm safe. It is just the microwave."
Steve held Bucky's face in his hands, his forehead touched Bucky's, listening to every heavy breath of his friend. Then Bucky closed his eyes, his breath steadily became normal again. Steve felt his body was no longer shaky.
"I'm OK. Thank you." – Bucky whispered. Steve smile a little. – "You're welcome." Then he realized he and Bucky were standing dangerously close. He put down his hands, back away from Bucky.
"You… uh… you're sure about being OK?" – Steve asked. He remembered he had heard of this situation once at Sam's place. He hated seeing Bucky undergoing these things. And he hated himself even more.
May be he should call Sam. He would know what to do to assure Bucky. At least he was better than Steve, because Steve knew he was an idiot in these things. He was also afraid he would continue causing Bucky more pain. His friend had enough things to deal with right now.
"I'll ask Sam to come to talk to you. Don't worry." – Steve patted Bucky's shoulder and walked direct to the living room. His phone was on the sofa.
"Steve. You…" – Bucky's voice so small. He looked at Steve. – "What were you planning to tell me minutes ago?"
"Nothing, it could be waited for another time." – Steve smiled, shaking his head. Why did his mouth taste so bitter?
Bucky was not ready. He could not say anything now.
Steve walked out of the kitchen, feeling Bucky's eyes on his back.
"So much to tell you,
And most of all, goodbye
But I know that you can't here me anymore…
…
I know that you're gone, but sometimes I swear that I hear
Your voice when the wind blows
So I talk to the shadow
Hoping you might be listening 'cause I want you to know…"