Fury says it's his apartment, his home but the white walls seem to swallow Steve whole. When the silence becomes too much, Steve blocks everything out and starts to clean. He scrubs the kitchen tiles until his hands bleed and his arms ache. Washes the dishes with scalding water robotically, needing a break from being Captain America. He slips into Steve Rogers, the broken boy from Brooklyn. After he's done cleaning every surface in the house, he'll draw himself a warm bath and slip into old memories.
When he was younger, his mother always had pet names for him. Her favorites were Chol Beag and Summer Child. He remembers sitting in a meadow, a daisy crown on his head and sunflowers in his hands. His mother is sitting next to him and she's smiling, but there're tears trailing down her cheeks. She hugs him and whispers, "Chol Beag, a strong heart will take you further than any physical strength. A strong heart means you'll never quit. Never quit, my dove." Steve doesn't remember much after that, because a few week later his mother dies.
It's been happening more often, the flashbacks. They make him wonder if his mother would be angry at him. He doesn't have a strong heart, not anymore.
Steve does remember his time in the ice.
He remembers being cold, the chill wrapping itself around his bones and lodging in his heart. He couldn't move. His limbs were frozen and it terrified him.
He had horrible, horrible nightmares that made screams scratch at the back of his throat but they came out as no more than tiny puffs of air. When he was awake, he could see flashes of blue, feel whitehot pain, even though his fingertips were numb.
He likes to tell everyone it was just like sleeping, because he thinks that maybe if he says it enough times, he can forget about it. Forget about the nightmares, the cold that made his bones ache and tears slip down his cheeks.
No more flashes of blue and whitehot pain that made him delirious.
Steve tries his best to push the memory of being frozen to the back of his mind, but it never works. He can feel the memories lingering, leaving bruises on his body, bruises that hurt like hell but when he looks in the mirror he sees nothing.
(Except blue flashing before his eyes when he closes them.)
That's why he hates the cold so much, can't bear to be in it. He cranks the heater as high as it can go, bundles up in layers of clothes and blankets.
(Though he's never able to get warm.)
Steve's always afraid to fall asleep when he gets cold, he's terrified that he's going to wake up and be trapped in the ice again; only this time, the nightmares and flashes of blue won't be there to give him temporary relief. He'll have to bear it all, frost covering him like a second layer of skin.
Steve Rogers is afraid of the cold and the nightmares it brings, but he tells everyone that it felt like sleeping because if he repeats it enough times to himself, he can almost believe it.