Don't Let Me Go

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Hinata cradled the third bottle of sake in her arms as her silent tears crawls on her painfully pale face, blurring the sight of the empty bottles of scotch and vodka in her living room. At the age of 18, she was disowned and Hanabi had been named heir. It was right after she was disowned that she was placed under a special seal – one visible under her right eye that stopped before it reached her cheek, in which destroys her byakugan when she dies and another one on her navel which refrains her DNA to produce children with byakugan.

Her fingers brushed along the seal under her right eye, she was still sealed – Neji was right, there was no escaping the Main House from inflicting them pain. Only Neji didn't have to feel pain anymore; because he's dead and he died because of her. Neji, her beloved cousin, sacrificed his life to protect hers while she when she was protecting Naruto.

Her eyes clouded with tears again. Naruto. She hated herself for loving him, because it left her with nothing. Hinata swung the bottle and finished it straight. Hinata felt nothing, she felt empty.

Today she sent her resignation letter to the Hokage together with two manila envelope of her medical records. At 22, Hinata had been placed under Genma's ANBU squad. She was one of the most valuable ANBU, almost at front of S-class missions; which Kurenai always dreaded. Hinata always asked for S-classed missions, it's a horror for a nin to go to S-classed missions when there's a family waiting for you to come home – for Hinata, she didn't have to worry who to come home to. No one would wait for her to come back to her apartment, no one to ask if she did well on her latest mission, no one to be proud of her – in exception was Kurenai (who was a second mother to her) and Kiba and Shino (who were like her brothers) But really, besides them, no one would care.

Hinata slurred a giggle and traced the scar along her chest. Neji did this. Damaged her heart, it was an inside joke for herself – maybe it was because of this that she couldn't move on from Naruto, because her heart was damaged – she giggled. Then lowering her fingers, another large scar donned her white pale skin. It was the scar she earned from Pein when she dumbly jumped to save Naruto from death. The scar that wasn't just a scar. Who knew what she took from Pein would damage her after years of being cured? Her heart took a beating from Neji and Pein that it has weakened. She kept this as a secret for a month now, a month now and she hasn't gone back to any mission...the hokage asked her to rest. And this is why she's going, because she doesn't want anyone to pity her anymore. Because she's dying and she didn't want anyone to see her in that state

She wished she died in a mission, but she didn't. Even after hundred of S-class missions doesn't kill her; she was trying to push herself but it won't break. She won't die.

Just to think of Naruto gives her the hopes to fight on…even if she doesn't even want to anymore.

Naruto. Naruto and his golden blonde hair, blue eyes, tanned skin, whiskered cheeks… at 22, he looks more handsome than ever. His picture flashed in her memory and made her smile.

To why she treasured the moments when she sees him, she'd never understand. How his smile could brighten up her mood, to how his eyes would shine to bright it made her feel satisfied – all these made her happy; happy for a while but hurting and dying in the inside.

With a blurry vision, she found herself lying on her bed – soaking from sweat and tears. She feels so alone, it felt like dying. And all she could ever think of was how stupid Neji is. How dare he die when she was supposed to end her grief, her sacrifices, her heartaches. How stupid Neji was to steal away her death.

The thought made her chuckled, laugh…and so Hinata laughed loudly, bitterly…and again broke into sobs. Her sobs became wails and muffled screams. Was it possible to die from sadness? She slapped her face with her palms, covering her eyes from the moonlight slipping from her window. Her tears refused to stop from flowing and later on, she cried herself to sleep.

.

The next day, after the excruciating pain of a hangover, she found herself before the Hokage with a concerned emotion on her face. "Are you sure you don't want to take the treatment here in Konoha? Hinata, you know we can try."

With a smile, she lowered herself to bow infront of the the Hokage. "Thank you so much, Tsunade-sama. But I don't want to go under medication and I don't want to..I don't want to end being a ninja in Konoha. I'll live in Suna, and I'll try to recover from there"

By lunch, she spent her time with Kiba and Shino in Kurenai's apartment and bonded with the 5 year old mini-me of Asuma sensei. By the time she told them of her condition, Kiba and Kurenai broke in to tears. Shino had asked her to dine with everyone and have at least a good bye party.

In the afternoon, Hanabi and Hiashi welcomed her with tea in the garden. When she informed them of her decision to withdraw from treatments, Hiashi asked her to go to his office and secretly hugged her and apologized for the way he treated her. Hinata let the compound in tears.

Before eight, she has already packed her necessities, clothes and precious items. All of the furniture, when she leaves, will be donated to charity. All on all, she had two big boxes and a bag – all to be packed in the caravan she rented to Suna.

At eight, she went to have dinner with everyone.

At 11, she found herself cradling a bottle of strong alcohol in her palms. Her friends were laughing and cheering as Lee started to sing while Gai-sensei chorused for him. Hinata giggled at the show. Her eyes glanced at the blonde who was three seats away from her. He's so clueless. He's so clueless what he's done to her and it hurts.

When Lee finished his song, Ino took the chance to ask everyone to crash into Hinata's apartment and continue to drink there. It was almost surprising everyone really came in her flat and continued to drink. But Hinata realized none of everyone else because she was so focused on Naruto and his goddamned eyes. It was when Hinata stumbled from her seat when she was about to head to the bed and leave them playing cards that Naruto caught her from falling. Her arms lifelessly clung on to his neck and his arms on her dipping waist.

"Hinata, you should be careful. In Suna, no one will be there to catch you when you fall!" Ino snorted in answer but the room went quiet when Hinata hugged Naruto closer to her, leaning her head on her firm chest – crying her eyes out again.

Naruto relaxed and hugged her back. "If you want, you can stay here. No one is asking you to go. We're here for you."

Sakura felt her tears coming when she finally heard Hinata gasp for breath and continue her sob, her hands were fisting.

"Don't let me go" Hinata managed to sob out. Ino gripped Chouji's hand and bit her lip.

For the indigo haired girl, her heart continues to beat out of her ribs. And it hurts. It hurts so much it was getting harder to breathe but still, she kept his hold on Naruto tight.

"Then don't go" Naruto silently said. He could feel her mad heart beating.

She was feeling lightheaded, her chest hurts so much and her legs were a bit wobbly. She shook her head. "Don't let me go"

".."

"You didn't answer me, Naruto." She parted form him, her eyes are stark red and her lips were cherry colored from the blood pressure. "I waited so long but you didn't answer me" Slowly she sat herself on the floor with the others, her long legs sprawled on the floor. Her hair, two hours ago so neatly tamed, now framing her face like curtains. "I waited so long, so long it hurts"

Her back slouched. She wasn't too drunk, but she was tired. Physically and emotionally drained

Hinata didn't mind the stares she's getting from everyone. She forgot everyone, really, and all she remembered was she's leaving and Naruto's here to say good bye.

Why doesn't he retaliate and stop her? Why were his words of 'don't go' so empty?

She didn't understand the woman's logic. It was her choice to go but she really didn't want to and was hoping someone to stop her. How illogical was that? She wanted to laugh.

"I'm—"
"I love you. I love you Naruto" Her hand flew to her rummaging heart. Trying to calm her down.

"I loved you first. Even before I knew there's a demon in you, even after that…even before you knew your parents. Even..even before they saw you as a hero. I loved you before everyone did. I loved you first! I loved you first and there's no one who can love you more than I could…but you…you didn't answer me
"I could withstand a rejection but you didn't give me an answer! You didn't! And it hurts more than being rejected. It's….it's ripping me apart. But I waited because," she bitterly chocked on her chuckle, "because you aren't the brightest of us. But I waited and I thought after six years you'd finally tell me that you don't see me *hiccup* the way I see you. But you didn't *hiccup* answer me" Her sobs quieted down and she took deep breaths.

"I would, Kami knows I could withstand a rejection."

The room fell silent. Sakura's eyes were closed trying to still her flowing tears, and Ino's shoulders were shaking.

"That's why I'm leaving. Because it…it hurts so much already I think it's killing me"
Her eyes landed on Naruto's eyes which he slammed shut with his right palm on his face, trying to hide his crying face.

She crawled herself to stand and walked to her room. Crying to the pitiful being that she became, she curled up on her bed, letting the sheets swallow her whole.

With the door open, she could hear Sakura explaining the real reason why she's leaving. All of them were fed to a lie that she was to be reinstated as ANBU to Suna (in exception to team 8), when the real reason was her heart was damaged from the hits. That she's dying – even with or without treatment.

And Hinata's sobs became louder, now they know

Now they'd pity her. Because she has became something so useless.

Her hair tangled among the sheets of her bed, she could hear Lee's crying and padding of feet, she didn't care if all of them are going to leave her. As soon as she closed her eyes, a pair of strong arms pulled her into an embrace.
Even when her eyes are closed, she could still identify who hugged her. Her tears spilled again, "D-don't go. Don't go, I'm not letting you go"

Because his scent was always manly
Because his warmth was extraordinary
Because everything he is screamed his name

"I'm not letting you go. Not this time…so don't go"
"I'll always love you"
"I know"

"Don't let me go"
"N-no, not this time" She could feel his tears seeping down to her hair.

Finally, her heart relaxed and she found herself drowning into darkness. And all she could hear now was his wild heart beating…