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I watch the skies at night.

It is never truly dark anymore. Light pollution has made the sky a sickly grey colour. I miss the black nights of old; nights where I could see the stars. I remember watching the stars in the Astronomy tower back at Hogwarts. Though I complained about the work, I loved the height and the chill; it felt as though I was on top of the world. And in a sense, I was. Three fantastic friends and my whole life ahead of me.

Now I feel confined, as though I never left Azkaban.

I want to fly away, but I am not allowed to fly. I miss the feeling of the air rushing past my face and the sense of immortality that accompanies the adrenaline rush of riding on a broom. Or on my motorcycle. I miss freedom. More than anything do I want to go on missions for the Order. I want to feel danger; I want to feel alive.

Instead I must stand by the window and search the sky.

I feel acid prickling at my stomach, an angry burning sensation of fear and frustration. I am so helpless.

I have long fucked up any chances of being with him. Thinking he was the traitor and spending twelve years in Azkaban because the world thought I was the traitor completely screwed me over for any romantic relationship. But, hell. What's a man to dream?

I look for colour in the sky. That means Remus is alright.

And in this moment, standing alone, siloetted aggainst the window, I miss James so much it hurts. If he were here, James would know what to say, know what to do. James would have known I wasn't the traitor. James would have helped with Remus.

Remus. Merlin, Remus Lupin. I hadn't seen him in so long. I had forgotten his voice, his eyes, his soft hair. But even before that, I had forgotten his kindness. After the cold atmosphere of Azkaban Remus seemed to be a cozy fire and a steaming mug of hot chocolate. I couldn't get enough of his warmth. Remus was the kindest one out of all of us. And in the horror and terror of war I had forgotten that. I had forgotten I loved him. I still love him.

I turn away from the window and sigh. My life is completely fucked up. Not that it wasn't before.

If James were here, I would not be back in Grimmauld Place. He knew how much I hated this fucking place. How much I hated my mother. I hated her because I loved her. She was my family; she was my mother. Aren't mothers supposed to love their children?

I still remember James's face when he saw my the purple bruises on my back. Just some good old fashioned punishment for putting those Muggle posters on the wall. Kreacher did the actual physical work, on my mother's orders of course. My mother refused to touch me. Only James knows. Knew, that is.

I look at the clock. It is 10:33. They are thirty minutes late. My stomach clenches.

Where are they?

That is life. All the girls wanted me, but I want the one guy that doesn't love me. But, even if he never loves me back, I will stand here by the window waiting for him. I would do that even if he will only ever be my friend.

I pace the floor. Dust motes jitter in the moonlight.

And I look up. I see red lights in the sky.

Safe.

Remus is safe.