Author's Note: This was written 'after' I read the recent spoilers of Claudia's accident and loss of her and Sonny's baby. Sorry if that spoiled anything for you. This is a standalone fic but I may continue it, just depends on what comes to me. The lyrics are to a song written by Michelle Branch called, 'Goodbye you you'
Goodbye to you
He had arrived just as Nurse Webber had exited the room. "Hey Sonny," Elizabeth Webber greeted as she stopped just outside the hospital room.
"Hey…how is she doing?" He asked as he nodded towards the room that housed his wife.
"As well as can be expected, given all that she's been through. She hasn't said much but she's awake if you wanted to go sit with her." Elizabeth stated.
"No," Sonny replied shaking his head. "I'll just let her rest. I'll just wait out here if that's ok?"
"Of course, and I'll be back in a little while to check her vitals again," Elizabeth threw Sonny a sympathetic smile as she walked off. Sonny moved closer to the closed door and peered in through the window on the door. He stared at the broken woman lying on the other side of the door. Her face held no emotions nor did her eyes even as tears seeped from them.
"You're a fucking coward, you know that?" A voice taunted from behind him and Sonny turned to face Johnny Zacchara and Olivia Falconarie.
"Johnny, come on don't do this, not now." Olivia pleaded hoping to squash what she knew could become a volatile situation, but Johnny ignored her words.
"You should be happy so why aren't you smiling? You've gotten what you wanted right? No baby, no marriage, isn't that what you've been torturing my sister with for months now?"
"I never wished harm on that baby or Claudia." Sonny declared his anger flaring.
"Come on Sonny, you threatened Claudia on a daily basis, you don't think that kind of emotional stress did harm? I bet you did wish that that baby wasn't yours, but it was yours, just like Claudia said, and has been saying from the start. For months you treated her like shit, no like she was less than shit and stressed her out. I'm honestly surprised she didn't miscarry that baby months ago. A well congratulation Sonny there's no more baby and no reason to stay married to my sister, and I'll make sure I get her away from you and your house of horrors." Johnny then shoved past Sonny and entered his sister's hospital room, leaving Olivia and Sonny in the corridor.
"How are you holding up Sonny?" Olivia asked after a moment's pause, moving closer to stand before him. He looked up at her with hard, red, wet eyes.
"I just watched my baby boy die," He replied as he closed his eyes and allowed fresh tears to slip out.
"I'm so sorry honey," Olivia attempted to console as she reached out to him, but he stepped back and away from her grasp.
"I stood there watching his little heartbeat on the monitor; watched as it got slower and slower, weaker and weaker until it stopped, and I couldn't do a damn thing to stop it." His anger and frustration rose as he smashed his fist against a nearby wall, which caused Olivia to jump a bit.
"Sonny this wasn't your fault," She again tried to console him.
"Like hell it wasn't, Johnny's right I've never treated Claudia with anything except contempt, dislike, and mistrust. She was the one always trying to have an amicable relationship but I always fought her tooth and nail."
"Well Sonny it's not like the two of you had some world wind romance. Your marriage wasn't about love it was a business arrangement, right? You both went into it with your eyes wide open."
"Yeah it was about getting money and power, I wanted it and the Zacchara's had it, but to be honest Claudia never wanted to marry me. She only did it because her father commanded her to and because she was afraid of him. And I knew that she was afraid and I used it to my advantage by telling her that if she married me I'd never treat her the way her father did, I would allow her to be a part of the business and as my wife she'd be under my protection. I lied because I treated her worse than her crazy ass daddy did.
"Come on Sonny, Claudia's no saint."
"Neither am I. I know exactly the kind of person Claudia is because we're the exact same kind of people, she's me and I'm her. I was telling myself that I'm nothing like the Zaccharas that I was somehow better, nobler, but I'm not. I kill for money, for power, and for respect." Sonny stated in a lowered voice and his words and tone silenced Olivia with their clarity and sincerity. "And even worse still I've become the one person I swore I'd never be like, Deke."
"No Sonny, no," Olivia quickly disagreed. She knew firsthand how Sonny's step-father would beat him and his mother Adela, having witnessed it herself on more than one occasion.
"He tormented my mother physically, mentally, emotionally, he beat her down until she was nothing and she thought she was worthless. She got pregnant once and I can remember him accusing her of cheating and saying the baby wasn't his. My mother would swear to God, and you know how she felt about swearing to God," Sonny smiled slightly and Olivia threw out a kind smile in return. "But she'd swear to God and he still wouldn't believe her, and then one night he knocked her to the ground and kicked her in the stomach and she lost that baby."
"Oh God," Olivia exclaimed in shock as she placed one hand over her mouth and the other over her chest. "Sonny this isn't the same situation."
"I didn't Kick Claudia in the stomach, I've never raised a hand to her but I harmed her just the same. I can remember when I would taunt the Jewish kids in the neighborhood…you know pick on the way they dressed and their hair…my mother would say to me, "Thou shall not Kill, Sonny" and of course I'd look at her like she was crazy I mean I hadn't even laid a finger on them, and then she told me that you can still kill with words, that you could kill a person's spirit with a single hurtful word, I didn't get it then which made no sense when I saw it happening to my mother every single day she was with Deke. I get it now though, not that it does me a damn bit of good now."
"I'm so sorry Sonny, truly I am," Olivia said as she found herself at a loss for words.
"I'm gonna grab some coffee," He said as he sniffed back more tears that threatened to fall.
"Want some company?"
"No, but if…you know if Claudia asks for me…just tell her I'll be right back," He then turned and walked off not waiting for her to respond.
He watched her from the door for a moment and he thought she looked so small, curled up in a ball in the bed. He quietly moved to the bed and carefully slid under the covers. He spooned his body against hers and wrapped his arms possessively around her, as if trying to shield her from further harm, mimicking an act that she had done so many nights when they were children and he was frightened. "I'm so sorry sweetie," He whispered as he pressed a kiss atop her head. He felt her hand clamp onto his arm and her body shuttered as a small mournful cry escaped her lips.
"He's gone John, he's gone and I want him back," She wailed out as her body shook. Johnny tightened his hold on her.
"Shhhh…shhhh," It was all he could do for her; hold her close and shush away her tears.
"It's not fair, I wanted him so bad. Why did God take my baby, why John?"
"I don't know," He answered honestly as his own tears wet his face.
"I want him back, please God give him back, I'll do anything please, ple...e…ease."
Sonny and Olivia both stood heartbroken at the door, as they watched Johnny as he tried to comfort his grief stricken sister, who was clearly inconsolable.
Sometime later
Johnny lay wrapped around his sister until her sobs had dwindled to an occasional hiccup as she drifted off to sleep. After he was sure she was sound asleep he extracted himself from her embrace, wanting to stretch his legs and grab something to eat. When he exited Claudia's room he found that Olivia was still there as was Sonny who stood talking with Dr. Lee.
"Why the hell are you still here haven't you done enough?" Johnny immediately tore into Sonny.
"I don't want to fight with you, not now." Sonny spoke as he held up a hand to Johnny as if surrendering his defeat. "I just want to know how my wife is doing,"
"Oh like you give a damn," Johnny spat at him venomously
"Johnny, come on don't. You finally got your sister to sleep do you really want her to awake and find you and Sonny going at it. Don't you think that would upset her more?" Olivia tried to reason and her words seemed to hit a nerve because Johnny backed down.
"I have to agree I was just telling Mr. Corinthos that Claudia is in a very fragile state of mind right now,"
"What does that mean?" Johnny asked his concern growing.
"Your sister just went through a very risky procedure that could have killed her and she did it unnecessarily and against several doctor's advice all to give her baby a higher chance of survival. That in itself says just how much she loved and wanted that baby. Now that the baby's gone I'm concerned that she may not have the will to continue to fight, and she's still not out of the woods yet. The latest CAT scans shows that there's still some swelling. We're hoping that the swelling will go away on its own, but that's dependent on Claudia's willpower and strength."
My sister's not suicidal, she's a fighter, she'll pull through you just watch."
"I hope that you're right, we're going to keep her here for a few more days for observation as I said we're hoping the swelling will go away on its own. Now there's still the matter of the birth." Dr. Lee stated.
"I…don't understand," Sonny said as he and Johnny both stared at her in confusion.
"Your son was 'stillborn' Mr. Corinthos," Dr Lee began explaining.
"Oh Jesus," Olivia spoke out as realization dawned on her and both Johnny and Sonny looked to her as if seeking an explanation to which she obliged. "She didn't have a miscarriage, where the baby was involuntarily flushed from her body, the baby die inside of her so…" She paused seeking a delicate way to word it. "So she still has to give birth, she has to push the baby out," Her words caused Sonny's eyes to clamp shut and Johnny's knees to buckle as he leaned against the nearby wall for support.
"You want her to push out her dead baby?" Johnny asked in disbelief. "You just said that she's teetering on edge if she goes through that she may lose it completely, I could lose my sister."
"There is the option of a cesarean section." Dr. Lee interjected. "Claudia could be put under completely, however in my experience sometimes allowing the mother to go through the actual birth process and be given the chance to say good bye has been very beneficial to the healing process."
"Do the c-section," Johnny said.
"With all due respect Mr. Zacchara it's not your call to make. As her husband Mr. Corinthos is the next of kin and given Claudia's state of mind right now, he has the final say. I would suggest that you try to discuss it with Claudia first, and if you need me to help you talk to her I'm always available, but we only have a small window, the fetus needs to be removed within the next hour. I'll go ahead and prep an OR just in case you decide on the c-section."
"Thank you," Sonny croaked out as his voice broke up a bit. Dr Lee gave a nod and then headed back down the corridor.
"You cannot expect her to go through that not after everything she's been through in the past two days," Johnny stated as he stepped closer to where Sonny stood. "Just let them put Claudia to sleep and then take the baby. Please Sonny I am begging you do not let my sister go through the trauma of giving birth to a dead baby. Not even you can be that cruel." Olivia remained silent even though inside she had to agree with Johnny.
"I'm gonna talk with Claudia about it," Sonny said in a slight mumble as he pinched at his bottom lip.
"You're an evil bastard, you know that?"
"Why, because I don't want to take the opportunity for her to say goodbye to our son away from her? I had to make that decision once before when Carly…" He paused and took a deep breath to calm himself. "When Carly lost our first baby, the placenta tore from the uterus wall…anyway the baby died and I told them to take the baby, because I thought it would be easier on Carly not to have to go through it all, having to see our baby dead. She resented me for that because she never got to see him, never got to say goodbye. I will regret that decision for the rest of my life and I won't make that mistake again, I can't." Sonny said as new tears welled up in his eyes which he quickly wiped away as he turned towards Claudia's door. Johnny remained silent as he watched Sonny enter his sister's room it wasn't until Sonny closed the door that he spoke.
"I gotta get outta here,"
"OK, let's go down to the cafeteria and get you something to eat, alright?" Olivia coax and he simply nodded in reply and allowed her to pull him away.
She watched him silently and remained perfectly still, like some prey hiding from a predator stalking towards it. Her arms instinctively wrapped around the firm swell of her belly in a protective and possessive manner. It wasn't until he got closer to the bedside and took a seat on the stool placed there that he noticed her eyes on him.
"I thought you were asleep, sorry if I woke you," He spoke softly.
"You didn't I had a nightmare," She replied in a deflated and tired voice. "Then I woke up and realized I was still having the nightmare."
"Dr. Lee wanted me to talk to you about something," He began to fidget in the seat.
"About taking the baby?" She asked already suspecting.
"Yeah,"
"How long?"
"An hour," He answered and she closed her eyes as her face crumbled and her tears fell once more. Sonny reached out to comfort her but swiftly snatched his hand back feeling he had no right when he felt so responsible for all that had happened to her.
"I'm sorry," She moaned out through her sobs. "This is my fault for being bad,"
"No, I'm the bad guy here not you."
"You're wrong," She said as she shook her head and stared at him. "I'm being punished for what I've done. At first I thought it was because I was partially responsible for Michael's shooting," She finally admitted not caring about Sonny's reaction. He only sat silently and waited for her to finish. "Then I thought that can't be it because I never ever intended to hurt Michael and God knows that I didn't. I would never purposely harm a child, but I did want to kill you. I tried to kill you the father of my child. Then I lied and I schemed and I cheated to cover it all up, and now I'm paying for it…all of it. The one thing that I've ever wanted more than anything was this baby," She said as she absentmindedly stroked her belly. "And now he's gone."
"Well if this is punishment for the way we've treated each other than I'm equally to blame. So I'm sorry too." He said as he reached out and wiped away her tears.
"So you're sorry and I'm sorry but it doesn't change anything. Our baby's still dead and I feel like I can't breathe." Claudia's resolve crumpled again and this time Sonny reached out to her without hesitation and grasped her hand in his.
"It's ok you don't have to do this and you're not alone. If you're not up to it, we can have the c-section, ok?" She nodded slightly as she gripped his hand tighter.
"But I want to be awake, I want to say goodbye to him," She said in a whimper and Sonny nodded his head and then lifted her hand to his lips as he quietly cried along with her.
Sometime Later
Of all the things I've believed in,
I just want to get it over with,
tears form behind my eyes,
but I do not cry,
counting the days that pass me by.
I've been searchin' deep down in my soul;
words that I'm hearin' are starting to get old,
it feels like I'm starting all over again,
The last three years were just pretend,
and I said...
Goodbye to you,
goodbye to everything I thought I knew,
You were the one I loved,
the one thing that I tried to hold onto.
She held the small swaddled baby in her arms and lovingly kissed his face, which was slightly blue and chilled to the touch. She gently rocked him, instinctually without thought and spoke to him as if he were able to hear her and understand her words. Her husband sat on the bed beside her and her brother stood off at a short distance, both watched with a smile on their lips as the mother said goodbye to her child.
I still get lost in your eyes,
and it seems that I can't live a day without you,
closing my eyes,
and you chase my thoughts away,
to a place where I am blinded by the light,
but it's not right.
Goodbye to you,
goodbye to everything I thought I knew,
You were the one I loved,
the one thing that I tried to hold on to.
He stared down into the face of the tiny baby that looked to only be sleeping and he knew without a doubt that this child, who had his nose and his mouth, was his son. A new sense of remorse filled him and he had to close his eyes and will the impending tears away again. He leaned down and whispered words of regret, sorrow, and promise into the baby's ear. He then kissed his son, Jonathan Maurice Conrinthos, one last time before handing him over to his uncle.
Ooh whoa....
and it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time,
I want what's yours and I want what's mine,
I want you,
but I'm not giving in this time.
Goodbye to you,
goodbye to everything I thought I knew,
You were the one I loved,
the one thing that I tried to hold onto
Goodbye to you, (goodbye to you)
goodbye to everything I thought I knew, (goodbye to you)
You were the one I loved,
the one thing that I tried to hold onto,
(the one thing that i tried to hold onto)
the one thing that I tried to hold onto.
(the one thing that i tried to hold onto)
He cradled his nephew tensely seemingly afraid that he would drop him. His sister couldn't help but to chuckle at her brother's tentative touch and then smile at the words which he spoke in Italian to his nephew, stories about how his sister had been such a great mother to him when they were children, and that he knew she would have been the best mother for him too. The baby was then returned to the waiting arms of his mother, whose tears once again fell at seeing Dr. Lee reappear at the door because she knew it was time to say her final goodbyes.
"Goodbye angel, momma loves you so much and I'm so sorry that I couldn't give you the life that you deserve. But I promise you that I will never forget you and I'll love you forever and ever." With a final kiss upon his forehead she handed the baby off and then collapsed against the pillows under the weight of her grief, this time Sonny crawled onto the bed beside her and pulled her into his arms, and whispered words of comfort. Johnny watched briefly before following Dr. Lee from the room, leaving the grieving parents alone to mourn the loss of their child.
Oh, oh whoa, oh, oh (one thing that i tried to hold onto)
and when the stars fall I will lie awake,
you're my shooting star.