Summary: When people tried to remember the last time he was happy, his last good day where the smile that was plastered on his face was real, they get lost trying to sort through the other memories; the lonely ones, the empty ones, and the broken ones, and it's almost easy to understand why he decided to close his eyes, give up and fall into the abyss. Furihata Kouki carried too much darkness within him that closing his eyes didn't make much of a difference.
Disclaimer: Kuroko no Basuke is not mine blah blah blah. You know how this goes already. This fic is just a product of my boredom blah blah blah. I'm bored but apparently I'm too lazy to type in more words. Wow, Irony works quickly.
The ruining of Furihata Kouki
On the day that Furihata Kouki tried to kill himself, they had reviewed Newton's Laws of Motion. Then, after school was finished, he decided to put them into the test by jumping off their school's rooftop.
And as he lies there on the grass, his uniform drenched in blood, his hair tangled up, he looks up and sees the sky and he can't help but feel the overwhelming sadness because the sky was just so blue. It feels him with a sense of melancholy because he had forgotten. He had forgotten just how blue the sky was, and now it is too late.
Inhaling has become a very excruciating task. The flock of birds goes farther and farther away, the world begins to blur, and Furihata is gripped by an unexplainable urge to get up and chase the birds. In that moment, he realizes what dying really means, it means that he will never be able to catch them.
He still doesn't understand them; Newton's three laws, mass, gravity, inertia, action and reaction, it still doesn't fit quite right into his head.
It is then at that moment, that he realizes that things just aren't that simple. When he releases his need to understand, everything fell into place. And suddenly, things are starting to get clearer, every action has an equal but opposite reaction and everything he has ever done has led into something else, then to another something else, and all of that was pointing here, him dying at Seirin's grassy field.
Everything begins to click.
As Furihata Kouki closed his eyes.
Some people died because the world did not deserve them.
While some, did not deserve the world.
The News
Furihata Mayuki was on the airport when the hospital called. Her phone was turned off, so everything went straight to voicemail. An hour later, she turns on her phone and listens to her messages as she waits for her baggage.
The first was from her company, informing her about her next trip to Seoul. The second is from the dry cleaners. The third was eerily silent. The fourth message begins as she was about to get her bags from the carousel, that's why the words your son is in the hospital didn't register right away.
She listens to the voicemail one more time and when it ended, the nightmare didn't stop, so she turns and runs
Her bags take another turn on the carousel.
Akashi Seijuro was halfway done with his homework when his phone rang. It makes him jump, because no one ever calls his house, he has a phone while his father has four. Regardless, he answers the phone, chemical equilibrium was giving him a headache.
"Hello?"
"Is this Akashi Seijuro?"
"Yes, is something the matter?"
"Well, this is the emergency contact for number we have for Furihata Kouki. Is it correct?"
His heart throbbed. "What happened to him?"
There's a pause." This isn't something I can discuss with a minor. Is your father home?"
Akashi tried to push down his annoyance; he chokes it and hides it deep into his consciousness. "Don't make me ask again. What happened to Kouki?"
Another pause and then a sigh. "Furihata-san was admitted to Tokyo Memorial Hospital a little while ago. He jumped off a roof. Facts suggest that he tried to ki—"
Akashi drops the telephone, grabs his car keys, and searches the direction to the hospital on the way to his car.
Why do we always remember the sad and painful memories?
Because it's hard to forget the things that broke us.
Eight months before Furihata Kouki jumped off the rooftop
Furihata once read in a book that everyone has a tragedy waiting for them. That the people in the grocery store or in the park are only a few moments away from disaster. That everyone's life no matter how ordinary or unremarkable will have a moment to become something more unique, something extraordinary. And maybe for Furihata, Akashi Seijuurou was his tragedy.
It happened slowly, but somewhere between after school meetings and basketball practices, Furihata Kouki realized that he was in love with Akashi Seijuurou. A few moments after, he realized that he was screwed. There were other people, more normal people that he could have fallen in love with. Why did it have to him?
And Furihata didn't know exactly how it happened, the only thing he can remember were glimpses of fireworks, the smell of cherry blossoms and the touch of Akashi's lips against his. He didn't know how but for some unfathomable reason Akashi fell in love with him. And for the next six or so months, Furihata was in bliss. He was in love and he was loved back. He thought that nothing could go wrong. Pass forward to the future, Furihata realizes just how utterly naive he was.
People say that friends don't destroy one another.
What the hell do they even know about friends?
The waiting area
The waiting area of the emergency room has never been empty, but right now, it's about as close as it's going to get. There's a girl clad in a uniform, staring at the ground, a group of boys huddled in a circle, eyes brimming with tears as they pray for their friend. There's a boy, quietly staring at the ceiling, face blank with emotions but eyes swirling with regret.
And back there, in the far corner of the room was Furihata's mom, flicking through the pages of a magazine but her eyes were focused on the door of the operating room.
When Furihata was younger, people would always say that he got everything from his father; his face though, was from his mother. But both of them share something else that neither of them will ever admit. They both like to pretend. So now, as her son lies dying in the operating table, she sits in her chair, with her legs crossed, her face blank, and her posture regal. But on the inside, she was breaking into pieces. Furihata Mayuki knows that whatever the outcome is, it will break her heart, so she doesn't think about it. She thinks about nothing.
That's the case with Furihata Mayuki; she is a good person but a terrible mother.
Inside the operating room, there are tense whispers and slices of knives against skin. The tiny faraway beeping of the machine can be heard throughout the room. And finally, even when the worst part is over, when the doctors were now covered in blood and sweat, the beeping is still there.
One of the doctors breaks away from the others and went out of the room, walking slowly towards the waiting area; which is never a good sign. Only doctors with good news are almost as eager as the people waiting outside to hear the news. Doctors with bad news walk slowly.
We stopped checking our beds for monsters
When we realized that they were already inside of us.
Three days before Furihata Kouki jumped off a rooftop
Once upon a time, Furihata loved it when his mom travels. It was so cool, almost like magic, to have a mother who crossed the ocean and knew the sky. Besides, when his mom was gone, his dad would let him sleep past bedtime or bounce on his bed whenever he wanted. But then his dad died, and slowly, Furihata started to grow up. Her mother still went on trips and Furihata learned how to be lonely.
It wasn't the aloneness that bothered him. It was the silence. It bounce through the wall of Furihata's house, it filled the corners, and the closets, and the shadows. The silence was everywhere, it was almost deafening.
It was his old fear, the silence. He had always hated it when there was nothing to say, hated study halls, hated pauses in phone calls. Other people feared the dark, but unlike him, other people learn to let go of their fear as they grow up. Him? He kept his fears tightly clenched around his fist until it grew and grew and swallowed him whole.
Then, with the silence still echoing through the hall, Furihata went to the bathroom, his hands shaking as he grips the pocket knife and slides it into his arm. Blood went rushing out of him. He thought that it would hurt but it was so addicting. It was as if all of his troubles, pain and despair were slowly rushing out of him as well. But Furihata has always been scared to go all the way, not for long, he thinks.
If only second chances were real.
Worlds fall apart
Akashi arrived at the hospital a few moments before the surgery was finished. He stops at the entrance and looks up at the tall building. It's almost unreal that Kouki, his Kouki, is behind one of those windows, barely hanging on for dear life.
He bursts into the waiting room and almost everyone eyes him hatefully. He doesn't blame them. He sits in one of the chairs. Kuroko was the first to approach him.
"What are you doing here, Akashi-kun? I thought you already broke up with Furihata-kun." Kuroko was as straightforward as ever.
"I came here to see him as a friend. Even if we had gone on our own separate ways, I still care about him."
"Furihata-kun tried to kill himself." Kuroko had said it simply but the weight of those words crashed into him like a whirlwind. It crashed and it tumbled and it broke him into pieces but he cannot cry. He is an Akashi after all.
Sometimes he hated his own name. Sometimes he thinks about a world where he wasn't an Akashi. Maybe he would be happy in that world. Maybe he would be with Kouki in that world. Maybe.
He stared at the ceiling, pondering about what maybes
You know the speed of light,
So what's the speed of dark?
The Blue Sky
It really wasn't fair. Both of them had been playing basketball for hours now, so why was it that he was there lying on the ground, trying to catch his breath, while Akashi was watching him with amusement, looking like he didn't even sweat?
"Are you alright, Kouki?" Akashi said while he seated next to Furihata.
"Yeah—ha- Fine—haa—Just a moment, Akashi-kun"
"Why don't we just lie down for a minute?"
"Thank you" Let it be said that Furihata didn't have much stamina.
For a long moment, there was silence and Furihata never really liked silence but there was something about Akashi that made it peaceful and comforting for him. So he stopped minding the silence and started noticing the sky. It made him want to cry because the sky was just so blue, it was like he was free and it made him feel like he could fly.
"Hey Akashi-kun, look up there. The sky, it's so-"Furihata was at a loss of word for a moment"—it's so blue"
Akashi stared at him for a long time and said, "Let's make a promise, Kouki." Furihata looked at him with confusion. "Promise me that you won't give up on us that no matter what we would both hold on."
And Furihata felt like crying because that was so cliché and abrupt and confusing and he can't help but wonder why someone like Akashi would fall in love with someone like him. He wasn't able to speak for a moment so he nods his head instead.
"The sky is our witness then. Whenever you feel like giving up, look up at the sky."
And it was quiet again, Kouki didn't mind it though. He was with Akashi, after all.
Let's be nothing.
I heard they last forever.
The last day of Furihata Kouki's childhood
On the day that Furihata's father died, they were on the roof. He was fixing the roof while Furihata was drawing pictures of unrecognizable figures on the roof with chalk. There was an amazing blue sky above them, too blue, that Furihata realized that the day was too perfect to just be drawing pictures. So Furihata started playing on the roof. His laughter floated into the sky. They were happy, and the world was wide.
"Be careful," Furihata's father said.
And he tried; he really did but the wind made him feel invincible. The loose snow took his hand and twirled him around. It made him reckless and untouchable. He forgot that he was breakable and he ran too close to the edge.
Furihata's father tried to catch him but he spun around too quickly, and lost his balance.
Furihata screamed.
A neighbor came to investigate. He called the police, got Furihata off the roof. Later, there was a funeral, and a fatherless home. Furihata had to be pried off the coffin finger by finger.
He never stopped blaming himself.
Life hurts a lot more than death.
Voices
"Someone page the doctor. Tell him that his pulse is unstable—"
"What the hell happened? He was fine a few minutes ago—"
"Well, he isn't now, is he? Check the machine—the doctor must have overlooked something—"
"Oh for the love of- someone take him out of here!"
Someone takes Akashi by the arms and drags him away.
Every man dies,
But not every man lives.
One month before Furihata Kouki jumped off the rooftop
Furihata was having a bad day. He just found out that he had failed to get into his dream university, he was freezing, and Akashi was ignoring him. He was getting worried because Akashi wasn't like this, sure they were busy with school but Akashi has always been able to find ways before.
He receives a text message and he feels numb.
He looks up to see grey sky.
Fairy tales don't come true
It's the nightmare that becomes the reality.
Two weeks before Furihata Kouki jumped off the rooftop
Furihata is tired; he is just so tired it almost hurts. He feels numb as well. And when people are tired and numb they tend to do reckless things. For Furihata, it was a quite a lot of reckless things.
It has been a month now since Akashi broke up with him, and he copes the best way he knows how. With alcohol and a lot of strangers ending up on his bed, sometimes it's the other way around. A lot of people especially Kuroko, has been trying to talk to him. Maybe to make him stop, maybe to say that he was spiraling down to destruction, but he just doesn't care anymore. He just wants to feel something again, even if he had to get a faceless guy every night screwing him into next week, even if the only things he feels are self-hatred and shame.
So maybe Kuroko got a little worried about him, so worried that he had to call Akashi, which brings him to now. Akashi dragging him out of the hotel room he was in, stopping at the park, looking angrily at him.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"What the hell do you think you're doing? Last time I checked you broke up with me, so you don't have a say in what I do." Furihata was trying so hard to keep his hatred bottled up inside him; the last thing he wants right now is to make a scene.
"So this is what you normally do, then? Let some strange guy, you barely even know, fuck you? Wow, I didn't think you were like that." Akashi turns around to leave but Furihata stops him just as he was about to turn around.
"You don't get to call me a whore. You left me. You chose your fucking family name over me. So you have no right in what I do anymore. I make no apologies for the way I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore." Screw making a scene. He was numb and he was tired and Akashi was judging him. It's just too much. He just wants it to end.
It's easier to fake a smile
Than to explain what's killing you inside.
New Year's Resolution
He had been desperate to feel something, anything. He needed a window because he had broken his heart throwing it at locked doors.
Over the next two weeks, Furihata planned his death. He had drafted and revised it. He also gave himself a way out.
A week, that was all. An entire week before he decides to call it quits. Seven days, seven chances, he would wake up seven more times and search for a reason to go on. He would give the world a week to change his mind. And if his week failed, he knew how to shatter. He would be an object in motion that would stay in motion, even if it meant flattening everything in his path. And with the energy from so many shattered promises, he pushed himself into motion.
Some people feel the rain
Others just get wet.
The fall
Furihata Kouki wished to fly. There were no snowflakes or wind this time, just droplets of rain, but as he closed his eyes and jumped into nothing, he made his wish.
But he didn't fly. He fell.
Then the world faded completely.
"Furihata Kouki. Don't make me write it on a tombstone. Please, remember the sky."
They lie on the red-checkered blanket with weeds of hope and flowers of happiness all around them, caught in the moment of bliss. Their breaths carries the whispers of their dream, watching them fly higher and higher into the sky. Sometimes they look back in the past wondering how they were able to last without each other for so long, but today they wonder about what lies ahead. And one day, both of them will break apart; one day one of them will imagine death as an angel, a savior that will lend him wings, so he can escape. Escape from what? From reality, pain, suffering, escape from his own self. But death, as unfortunate as it may seem, is not in the business of lending wings.
~Fin~
Author's note: And that is a wrap :) Wow, that shit you just read, it was horrible wasn't it? Ugh, I really need to get a new hobby. But anyways, thanks for reading. Also, copyright to Grey's Anatomy, I used one of its lines, if you weren't able to spot it, wow you have missed a lot in your life :( One more thing, this fic was based on Amy Zhang's Falling into Place, one of the greatest book I have ever read.