As often-times the too resplendent sun
Hurries the pallid and reluctant moon
Back to her sombre cave, ere she hath won
A single ballad from the nightingale,
So doth thy Beauty make my lips to fail,
And all my sweetest singing out of tune.

And as at dawn across the level mead
On wings impetuous some wind will come,
And with its too harsh kisses break the reed
Which was its only instrument of song,
So my too stormy passions work me wrong,
And for excess of Love my Love is dumb.

But surely unto Thee mine eyes did show
Why I am silent, and my lute unstrung;
Else it were better we should part, and go,
Thou to some lips of sweeter melody,
And I to nurse the barren memory
Of unkissed kisses, and songs never sung.

-Silentium Amoris by Oscar Wilde

Chapter 1: Truth or Dare

"Truth."

"Have you ever been with a girl?"

Remus Lupin leaned forward and grudgingly picked up his glass of firewhiskey and took a large swig. His dark haired, gray eyed companion barked out a short laugh and shook his head. Remus and Sirius were alone during the middle of the holidays, sitting by the fire in the Gryffindor common room. Opting as usual not to return to the Noble and Ancient House of Black and turning down the Potters' offer to spend the holidays with them, Sirius was grateful that his lycanthropic friend had chosen to remain at Hogwarts for the holidays. Sirius had worried that it would just be just himself and the Fat Lady to keep him company, but Remus's parents decided this winter to take the honeymoon they'd never had after years of saving up. Remus had finished all of his work early on in the holidays, and Sirius had opted to wait until the last possible chance to complete all of his, so both boys were shrouded in boredom on this blistery winter evening. Sirius, hearing of this game from a muggle-born sixth year a few weeks ago, thought that there could be no better way to spend his time than to coerce his reserved friend into spilling his inner most secrets.

Now in their seventh and final year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, each boy already knew a great deal about the other, but Sirius was certain there were things Remus had kept from him over the years, and there were even some specific events that Sirius wanted to get to the bottom of. Sirius, of course, had decided the rules of the game. They would give each other the truth or the dare, and if the other refused to take it, they would have to take a large drink of the more "adult" beverages that Sirius had swiped from his parents' cupboard over the summer in order to stock up at Hogwarts. Sirius, however, was not necessarily adhering to the rules of the game—on his own accord, he had already consumed almost half a bottle of firewhiskey on his own and a significant amount of mulled mead and was now more than a little bit impaired. To Sirius's delight and shock, Remus had divulged much more than expected and was only feeling minor effects of the firewhiskey that he had been drinking.

Remus was sitting on a short sofa in front of the fire with his legs crossed in front of him. After he had asked Remus his most recent "truth," Sirius had taken the bottle of firewhiskey in his fist and laid his body flat in front of the fire. It was a comical sight to Remus. A bottle of firewhiskey in one hand and the other hand behind his head, Sirius looked extremely contented lounging on his back in front of the cozy fire. Remus noticed the way Sirius's plain, dark gray muggle t-shirt clung to his stomach as he lay on his back, showing off his toned torso as well as accenting his gray eyes. Remus quickly, however, took his mind off of Sirius and began to focus on the task at hand.

"Get over yourself," he told Sirius with a large eye roll. "Truth or dare?"

"Hmm," Sirius thought for a moment about choosing dare, but he hadn't had quite enough firewhiskey for that, so instead he went with—"Truth."

"Have you ever been in love?"

Sirius nearly choked on the firewhiskey that he had just taken a swig of the moment before Remus asked the question. When they had begun this game only about an hour ago, Sirius had never expected Remus to take it to the level that he had, but he had to hand it to Remus; the werewolf was giving him a run for his money. Unwilling and perhaps unable to answer the question, Sirius tipped the bottle he was drinking from further back and took a large drink. The liquid burned his throat going down, but when he finished taking the drink, he smiled at Remus.

"Quite the question," he said with a smirk.

"Quite the reaction," Remus said in response. After a moment, he continued, "Is that because you've never been in love or is it because you have been and you're embarrassed to say who with, or…?" Remus's eyes widened in understanding. "You're in love now."

"Take it easy, Moony," Sirius slurred with an eye roll. He was significantly more impaired than Remus and the effects were beginning to show. "You get one question at a time." Sirius yawned widely and stretched his body before him as he thought of his next question. Even in his state, Sirius was not quite ready to choose dare, so he knew that Remus would not venture. "Truth or dare?" Sirius asked.

"Truth," Remus said without a moment's thought.

Sirius chuckled before he asked his question. "Have you ever had a… an inappropriate dream about a professor?" he asked.

Even in the dimly lit common room, Sirius could see Remus's face flush in the light of the fire. Sirius could not tell if he would answer or drink, but either way, in these last few seconds, Remus had already betrayed himself. "Last year…" Remus began. Sirius sat up and crossed his legs, leaning forward with a broad smile on his face. He looked like a child listening intently to a story with his elbows rested on his knees and his head cradled in the palms of his hands. "It was after a full moon… I was sleeping in the hospital wing—you know, those sleeping draughts Pomfrey gives me are really powerful. They make me dream the craziest things—"

"To the point, mate," Sirius interrupted.

"It was… Professor…" Remus thought about just taking a drink of his firewhiskey and moving on, but he already begun to dig his hole. "It was Kettleburn."

The look on Sirius's face would have been amusing to Remus if Remus had not been so mortified with embarrassment. "Kettleburn?" Sirius choked. Silvanus Kettleburn was the rugged Care of Magical Creatures professor at Hogwarts, and a somewhat young and—Sirius had to admit—handsome man. He had a sabretooth earring and typically wore magical creature skin as his clothing during their lessons. Despite his qualities, Sirius was in a state of shock about Remus's confession for a few reasons. First of all, the fact that Kettleburn was male, and second of all, the fact that Remus had had a fantasy about someone like Kettleburn, rather than McGonagall or Pince—both smart and stern. Even Pomfrey would not have been too big a stretch of the imagination. Sirius was speechless.

"Look, we can't control what we dream!" Remus said quickly. "I was heavily sedated, and we'd just had double Care of Magical Creatures that day. And Kettleburn is nice, and outdoorsy—"

"And male and totally unlike you or your taste," Sirius finally found words. If it was possible, the blush on Remus's face deepened.

"What do you mean, 'my taste'?" Remus asked, slightly defensively.

"You like girls, and you like 'em like you, mate," Sirius shrugged. "Like Ambral," Sirius said, referencing a girl Remus had gone on a few dates with in fifth year. "You know, bookish," he said. "I was thinking McGonagall or maybe Pomfrey—"

"Pomfrey!" Remus said, getting some of his confidence back. "Come on, Sirius, give me a little more credit."

"Well, I don't know, she's got that caretaker thing, and you spend a lot of time with her—"

"She's snappy and high-strung and homely," Remus said, shaking his head.

"But female!" Sirius said as he threw his hands out in front of him dramatically.

Remus dropped his eyes to the floor. Eager to change the subject, he said, "Truth or dare?"

For another hour, Remus and Sirius asked each other more silly and intimate questions about their lives. Although when they began this night, Sirius thought he knew everything there was to know about Remus (after finding out he was a werewolf, what more could there be?), he was proven wrong. He found out that Remus could play the violin (a muggle musical instrument), and that years ago when he would get bored and lonely on summer days on his parents' farm, he would run around their land naked, just hoping that someone would notice him. He would finally give up, however, and swim naked in the lake near his small farm house, taking satisfaction in knowing that he was doing something naughty, even if no one else was around to see him. Remus found out that Sirius had never gone all the way with a girl, but that he had done everything but that last step, and that he had once kissed a boy when he was much younger in order to get practice. He also learned that Sirius was afraid of worms. "It's the way they move," Sirius had explained.

It was just past midnight, and while Sirius was still much further along in his drinking than Remus, both boys were sufficiently under the influence. Remus had just asked Sirius that infamous question—truth or dare?

Sirius finished off the large bottle of mead he had been nursing and stood up. He swayed on the spot, and Remus reached his arms out to catch him if he was going to fall. Sirius was able to keep his balance on his own, however, and he planted his feet firmly to the ground.

"Dare," Sirius said. A wicked grin slid across his face.

Remus rubbed his hands together excitedly. Earlier in the night he had learned that the previous summer, James and Sirius had each gotten tattoos in Godric's Hollow to mark their coming of age. They had magicked two identification cards to say that they were each eighteen years old, and they went to a parlor in downtown London to seal the deal. Earlier, Sirius had refused to tell Remus what or where the tattoo was, but now, Remus saw his chance.

"Show me your tattoo," Remus said slyly. Sirius shut his eyes tightly and tried to suppress the grin that was forming on his face. He knew Remus had gotten him good. Sirius took a step toward Remus and began to unbutton his pants. Remus narrowed his eyes at Sirius, but did not turn away. It seemed that the significant amount of liquid in his system had given him courage and an uncensored amount of curiosity. Sirius slipped out of his jeans and took another step toward Remus. Remus felt a familiar swoop in his stomach when Sirius got close to him. His scent was overwhelming to Remus's heightened senses, and Remus resisted the urge to reach out and touch Sirius. Sirius then lifted his leg and mounted it on the couch beside Remus, revealing the tattoo that was near his inner thigh at the top of his leg.

Remus grabbed his wand out of his pocket and said Lumos so that he could get a better view of the tattoo. When he finally realized what it was, he burst out with laughter due to the state he was in, but inside, he was beaming. On Sirius's inner thigh was a large letter M, and in a circle around the M were the words "Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs." Remus thought it was perhaps the coolest thing he had ever seen and the single greatest sign of friendship he had ever encountered.

Perhaps due to the amount of drinks Remus had consumed in the last few hours, tears sprang to his eyes. "That's… that's really cool, Sirius," he said, still studying the tattoo.

"You think?" Sirius said excitedly, looking down at it. He had not notice the catch in Remus's voice, and he could not see his eyes either. "Better than James's, anyway," Sirius continued. "He got a broomstick with 'J & L Forever' written on the handle. Same place," he added. Remus looked up at Sirius with a smile on his face. When he noticed the tears in Remus's eyes, Sirius reached out and cupped Remus's face with his hand as Remus placed a gentle hand on Sirius's thigh that was eye level with Remus. Sirius gave Remus a light pat on the cheek before ruffling Remus's hair and saying, "I'm glad you like it."

Then, without warning, Henry Mertolian, a fourth year, and one of the only other Gryffindors who elected to stay behind for the holidays came crashing through the portrait hole, out of breath. His eyes widened in shock when he locked eyes with Sirius who was standing over Remus with his pants off and his leg hitched onto the sofa next to Remus. Remus buried his face in his hands in embarrassment. A smile spread across Sirius's face as he noted Remus's embarrassment and Henry's shock.

"Uh—sorry, I… I didn't know… I… Filch—I was out too late, and I was trying to run from Filch," Henry spluttered. "I didn't mean… I don't know… Sorry—"

"It's okay, mate," Sirius slurred and stumbled over to Henry, putting an arm around him. Henry noticed the empty bottles on the floor and let some of his tension fall away when he realized that neither Sirius nor Remus would likely remember this in the morning. "I was just showing my best mate, Remus here, the tattoo that I got this summer. Wanna see?" Sirius asked, trying to push Henry into the seat next to Remus. Henry ducked out from under Sirius's grip and headed toward the stairs that led to the dormitories.

"I—I think I'm just going to head to bed," Henry said with a weak smile. Without another word, he dashed up to his dormitory. When Sirius heard the door slam, he sat on the sofa next to Remus and both of them began to roll with laughter. Remus's embarrassment was quickly forgotten as he held his sides from laughing so hard.

"C-can you imagine what he must have thought?" Remus gasped between laughs.

Remus continued to laugh and Sirius looked over at him, his laughter fading a bit into a contented smile. Even in his haze, he loved seeing Remus laugh. The laughter died in Sirius's throat just before he reached over and put his hand behind Remus's neck and pulled him into a deep kiss. For a moment, Remus struggled as his eyes widened with shock, but it only took a moment for him to give in and open his mouth for Sirius. Their tongues battled fiercely in the sloppy kiss, and without another thought, Remus was straddling Sirius and biting at his bottom lip. The kiss went from sloppy to rough and needy in a very short period of time. Sirius put his hands on Remus's waist, and when he pulled him down roughly so that their sensitive areas rubbed against each other for the first time, Remus moaned into Sirius's mouth. Desperately wanting to hear that sound from Remus again, Sirius brought his hips up this time causing more friction as he brought Remus down against him, eliciting yet another moan from Remus.

With a deep growl, Sirius pushed Remus onto his back and climbed over him right after he removed his shirt. Remus only got a second to admire Sirius before Sirius was on him again. Sirius was now down to his briefs only, while Remus was still fully clothed. Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius's neck and pushed his body into him as Sirius lifted Remus's legs and wrapped them around his body. One of his hands was braced against the sofa for support while the other was running up and down one of Remus's thighs. Sirius moved his mouth from Remus's mouth to his neck, causing Remus to whimper.

Then, it was as if a light had gone on in Remus's head. It was like he had suddenly realized what exactly he was doing. He placed his hands on Sirius's shoulders and pushed him up. Sirius's eyes were clouded with need, and Remus tried hard to resist.

"We can't do this," Remus said, hands still rested on Sirius's shoulders. He tried to keep his eyes focused on Sirius's own instead of Sirius's toned body that was hovering over him.

"Why not?" Sirius whispered. He leaned in nibbled at Remus's earlobe, which made Remus tremble and lean into to Sirius's mouth.

"Sirius—" Remus pushed him up again. "Sirius, stop."

"You're telling me to stop," Sirius said with a seductive smile and a growl in his voice. "But your body," Sirius said as he rubbed his hand from Remus's chest to right below his midsection, causing Remus to release a shaky sigh, "is telling me to go." Sirius leaned in and put his face as close to Remus's as he could without touching him. The feeling of Sirius's breath on his face was enough to make Remus close his eyes and push his hips up against Sirius's hips. Sirius pulled Remus's shirt down slightly at the collar and slid his tongue along Remus's collarbone. Remus hissed Sirius's name, and Sirius put his lips to Remus's once again. Remus let Sirius's tongue massage his own for several moments before he pushed Sirius off of him roughly, causing Sirius to crash to the floor.

Remus got up from the sofa and headed toward the stairs, but Sirius went after him.

"What the hell, Remus?" Sirius grabbed Remus's arm before he could escape and gripped him roughly. Sirius was still very intoxicated and it took a moment for him to steady himself.

"I can't do this, Sirius," Remus said. "We've both had too much to drink and—"

"Drinks or no drinks," Sirius said, inching toward Remus and pushing against the wall next to the staircase and trapping Remus with his body. He then moved so that his mouth was right next to Remus's ear "I know you want me." Remus shivered and Sirius caressed Remus's face with his own. "I see the way you look at me." Sirius pressed his lips to Remus's neck. Remus was on the verge of giving in yet again before he pushed Sirius off him again. Sirius was right. Remus had been looking at him for years. But he was not about to let his years of fantasizing get in the way of his friendship with Sirius. He knew that Sirius would wake up tomorrow and forget about this or at least pretend to forget. Remus did not want to make a mistake that would cost him his best friend.

"Come on, Sirius," Remus said, pulling Sirius up the staircase. "Let's sleep this off and talk in the morning."

Sirius yanked his hand from Remus's grip and stepped down the stairs. "No!" Sirius slurred loudly. "Either you want me or you don't, Remus! It's now or never."

Remus closed his eyes and breathed deeply before he spoke. "Never, then," he whispered.

"What?" Sirius pressed.

"I said, 'never', Sirius!" Remus raised his voice. "If I can't have you in the right state of mind, then I don't want you at all. I've wanted this for too long to give it up after one stupid night." Remus turned and walked up the stairs and Sirius yelled after him.

"Go on, then!" Sirius yelled. "And don't even think this will ever happen again!" Ego bruised, Sirius walked over to the sofa that he and Remus had just occupied and fell onto it. After only a few minutes of angry brooding, Sirius was out cold.

Upstairs, however, Remus stayed awake for several more hours, sobbing into his pillow.